I placed a post in one of the other sections and was advised that maybe I could get more help here. Please go to the following post and offer any help you can. <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000758.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000758.html</A>

First off, I am sorry for your pain!! <P>I read your thread, and something really popped out at me:<P>You know what? Nobody says you can't go back to Plan A and really WORK IT!!<P>You'll hear from others, I am sure... but this would seem to be the first thing you should do -- go back to Plan A.<P>How do you feel about that possibility? <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

I have thought about that, except H knows about plan a and plan b becuase he read some of the book and some stuff on the MB site. He has infomred me that he will not let me meet his needs and will not stop seeing her. Steve H. said that he felt that I was being torn apart trying to stay in plan a and that he though it was time to move to plan b. Can I go back to plan a if he will not see me. He will talk to me on the phone and I have tried sending little cards, but he always seems to beat me down when I see him. HELP!

What was your H's response to your Plan B letter?

He said that he understood that I was trying to protect myself and the love I have left for him and that if the OW was not in the picture he would definately come back and work on the marriage. However, he said that right now that although he loved me she held a special place in his heart because she accepted him for what he is and what he does. I asked him how he know that he would come back to the marriage if she was out of the picture and he said that he has noticed all of the changes I have made over the past few months and that he still loves me and knows that we could have a good life together. I asked him what would cause her to be out of the picture and he said that he would have to see a change in the way he felt about her or realize that he loved me move that he thinks he does right now. He said that right now there is so much guilt when he thinks of me that he is not sure how much is love and how much is guilt. I guess that is all part of the fog, but will it ever lift?<P>As I left I asked if he would please abide by my wishes in the letter and he said "I will talk to you soon". Either he does not understand or he thinks he will figure out how he feels about me soon. I am not sure which.

<B>SinkingFast</B>,<P>First, let me say that as painful as it is, there are a lot of people here who can identify with the kind of experience you have had. There are no guarantees, but many have had or are having successful recoveries.<P>It seems to me that you've accomplished the main point of Plan A, making changes and being seen as an attractive alternative to the OW. There may be more danger of LBing, being seen as clingy, losing your love for him, and going backward than there is benefit to be gained by staying in Plan A. Also, it's good to not be wavering back and forth if you want your changes to be believable. You probably won't gain anything else until things cool down with the OW.<P>Hopefully, once he moves into the same complex with her he'll get more of a taste of reality. Actually, it sounds to me like he is already having a few doubts. Maybe in a few weeks you could revisit this issue and let him know you're open to working on things <B>if and when</B> he's ready to make changes, but I'd hold off for now at least and stick to Plan B. I've seen too many people who can't stick to any plan and thus don't accomplish anything. <P>Sometimes learning that the BS will protect their boundaries and may not always be there will start a WS thinking.<P>Just my thoughts.<P>Best wishes and hang in there,<P>Steve

There is actually something to the doubts he is having. Although he actually cheated on her as well as on me, this was not her first A either. She cheated on her husband about six years ago with a man she worked with at the time. Her husband found a note in her purse one night while looking for something else and assumed it was from my H. He read the not to me over the phone and asked if I thought my H wrote the note. I told him it did not sound like anything he would write and I asked H about the note. (This was pre plan B.) I was not accusatory, I just asked if that sounded like anything he would write. I told him what the note said and evidently he did not write it because the next phone call I got from OW's husband was to tell me that the note was not from my H, but supposedly from her first A. According to what OW told her husband she did not have feelings for the man six years ago. My response was then why keep a love letter from soneone you had an A with six years ago and had no feelings for. I guess my H had the same thoughts. Anyway, I would not be surprised if she is trying to get back at my H for the other two women by having someone else on the side as well. Only time will tell. <P>Could someone remind me why the relationship with OW should not work? I have this fear inside of me every day that they will live happily ever after.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SinkingFast:<BR><B><BR>My response was then why keep a love letter from soneone you had an A with six years ago and had no feelings for. I guess my H had the same thoughts. Anyway, I would not be surprised if she is trying to get back at my H for the other two women by having someone else on the side as well. Only time will tell. <P>Could someone remind me why the relationship with OW should not work? I have this fear inside of me every day that they will live happily ever after.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I don't think so. What a foundation of trust they already have!<P>There are exceptions, but an A lasting more than 6 mos - 2 years is unusual, and the odds of a permanent relationship are quite slim.<P>Sorry things are so hard for you right now.<P>Steve<BR>