<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HumbleFish:<BR><B>Well, no that I'm talking - all that "No Contact" - Hey I hurt to BS´S - On my case I told him - WE are throgh - If he didn+t divorse his W - well - I guess I'm a SLUTT - I'm sooooo sorryyyyyy; hate me all you want - and I guess in the end I 'm a bad person .</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>???<P>i am not sure who your talking to?<P>whos calling you that? <P>look your in pain because you have emotions attached to a man who can't give himself to you because he isnt free to do so. <P>i think you deserve better. as does his wife.<P>i am the WS and I would never call you a slut. i've been called that, didnt like it.<P>do you think your a bad person for being involved in this? are those your thoughts?<P><p>[This message has been edited by chazbutler (edited May 23, 2001).]

I do believe that you feel pain. The problem, whether you choose to see it or not, is that you are bringing this pain on yourself. The BS has their choices on pain taken away from them by their spouse as well as the OP. In certain situations the WS may care or even love the OP. For some reason they don't love them enough to do the honorable thing and divorce their present spouse before beginning a dishonest, disrespectful relationship with OP. Instead of asking why the WS does the things they do you need to be asking yourself why you are choosing to remain in a dead end relationship with a man who is going home and having an intimate relationship with his wife. If he loves you and you love him then isn't his wife now the OW?

Humblefish,<P>Do me a favor. Please quit apologizing to us. You have come to ask questions and hopefully sort your life out. I will warn you, that you will get posts flaming you for what you are doing. However, still come.<P>You see, by helping you, the people here are also helping his W, and your MM. The purpose of this site is to rebuild marriages. It can be done through the betrayed spouse, the betraying spouse, or the OW/OM. In some ways it makes no difference to most here.<P>Further, it is well known that some of the most helpful people here are the wayward spouses, because of their perspective and their ability to help people see the whole picture. I would suspect that if you continue to post you could be a very good asset as well. But more importantly we can help you and thereby help save a marriage.<P>I realize that Sweden has some different views that many posting here, but people are people and feelings are pretty much the same all over the world. <P>By the way, you live in a beautiful country, I have had the privilege of visiting it twice on business. Once far to the north and the other in the area of Stockholm.<P>Please keep posting.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hey, Humblefish!!!<P>Do you want help or are you just here to beat yourself up?<BR>No one has attacked you or called you names. I think most have been trying to understand you. Back off a little, huh.<P>We know this is hard for you...it's also hard for us....and just remember most of us have loved our WS for a lot longer then you have loved him...so we do understand.<P>I'm beginning to question why you are here.

HumbleFish,<P>It is obvious that his motivation for coming around he is keeping you strung along so that he'll have you to run to when his marriage falls apart... if it does. I read a statistic one time that said that men leave their wives for the OW only 2% of the time. The odds are not in your favor.<P>I know that there are as many sides to a story are there are people involved. I can understand your hurt. I am not going to judge you for your part in the affair. Instead I would give you the same advice as I would to any woman who was seeing a man who was not treating her right.<P>This man is treating you in a very disrespectful manner. You do not deserve this any more then his wife does. This is not the kind of man you really want to spend your life with. He is selfish, manipulative, a liar, yada yada yada. He WILL do to you what he is doing to his wife. He is already doing the same thing to you. So move on with your life.<P>I know you have feelings of love for him. Count your blessings; you can walk away from it much easier then his wife can. She has this commitment thing saddling her with a cruel, uncaring man. <P>Have you ever heard people talk about the addictive quality of love? Read about it in some book one day while browsing in the bookstore. It said that the feeling we call "love" is caused by a chemical our body produces. The bonding chemical. Do not recall the name of it, but it starts with an "o". Anyway when we are around a person our bodies produce "o". When we are have sex with them our body produces buckets load of "o". Women produce much more "o" then men do. Guess why we have thing about always falling in love with anyone we sleep with. It's really quite inconvenient at times, don't you think. So the book went on to say that the reason people (especially women) feel so torn when the person they love leaves is that they need their "o" fix. It makes us feel very very good. If we so much as hear their voice, we start producing "o", get our fix, and feel better. So the moral of this is. To break an addiction (call it love if you will) to a person, stay away from them for a year. That is how long it takes the "o" response to that person to turn off. One whole year. Don't talk to him; be around him, read mail from him. No contact for a year. At the end of the year, poof it's gone. Sort of anyway. No I did not make this up. All sorts of scientific studies apparently support it.<P>He is still coming around because you let him. Seems you really want him to. It's that "o" working overtime. The only way he is going to stop coming around is if you make him understand that you WILL NOT see him anymore. How do you do this? Write him a no-contact type letter. In it tell him exactly what you expect. Tell him that if he tries to contact you in any way you will inform his wife of each contact. That you will send her any email, any letters, etc. you receive from him. Do not answer his phone calls, return any mail, close any email accounts he knows about, and walk away if he approaches you. Move to another city if you can. Do what ever it takes to get away from him. If he still tries to contact you get a restraining order.<P>If you are not able to do the above things, then you are not serious about not wanting contact with him. It's that simple.<P>Z

Hi everyone<P>I just wanted to say thanks for all your words yesterday. I just reread my post and your answers and It will not be the last time. I will not apologize again well - only for one thing. I came off a bit to defensive and was a bit harsh. I guess a glass of wine to much does that to me. I was in such a miserable state yesterday and frankly I got drunk and wallowed in self-pity. So much that I couldn’t really think straight and lashed out on some of you.<P>Rereading the post today I feel a bit silly for some of my comments - just wanted you to know that I really appreciate your advise.<P>OK - today is a new day and It will be a Coffee day . I have a lot of ”thinking” to do. Walking away from someone you care so much for is a hard thing to do and it’s even harder when you know deep inside that it’s the only option you really have.<P>Thanks<BR>

Hi Humblefish,<P> <BR> Have you been to the "other woman" site <A HREF="http://www.gloryb.com" TARGET=_blank>www.gloryb.com</A> ?<P>I know alot of people here HATE that site but I have seen some nice people on there in pain. You will get alot of advice of how to stay away from MM, and how to get on with your life. LU

Hi LU<P>Yes, I have seen that board (didn’t really feel at home there though). I sometimes go to <A HREF="http://www.affairs-help.com" TARGET=_blank>www.affairs-help.com</A> (It’s a good site for all parts of this sorry triangle). I have been reading a lot here on marriage-builders trying to understand the other side (BS/WS/MM). Gee - I have been reading everything I could find on the Internet about this mess - trying to find an answer - reading the BS point of view has made me cry at timed and feel like **** - and other times I think WHY do they stay???? - and while thinking that I ask myself the very same Q - well why do I stay - Paradox!!!. <P>I guess in a way we all want to find an answer to all the questions that are spinning around in our heads. I really didn’t think that I would post here but last night I just snapped. And I’m sort of glad I did because I got some very good answers.<P>The biggest problem is that I more or less knew what people would say. It’s just that I don’t want to hear it. I want them to tell me the things I want to hear (well who doesn’t). It’s so much easier to shut your eyes - don’t think - don’t act - and dream on...... - reality though has a way of catching on to you and there comes a time when you have to make a stand. I hate it but I have to listen and act to not only what the people here have told me but what I know deep inside aswell. END IT!.<P>Has anyone seen the movie Magnolia? - It has a great line that comes up a couple of times in the film It has stuck in my head:<P>"We are done with the past but the past is not done with us"<P>Anyway I’m in a deep thinking mood today - so If I’m rambling - just ignore me <P>Thanks for the tip though LU<P>Take care and hope you/we everyone can stop hurting sooner then later!<P>Cheers!<BR>

Humble...<P>I have made peace with the OW who has caused my marriage such pain. We have talked, she cried and apologized and seems much like you. She wants to be his friend, but realizes that she can't. She is a nice woman who made a horrendous error in judgement. I have forgiven her. <P>I love the concept of telling H that each time he contacts you that you'll tell his W. I have found incredible peace in knowing that I have nothing to fear from the OW any longer, and that I only have to deal with H. I told H that the OW told me that their relationship was over. That one statement made all the difference to H. The finality of their relationship suddenly became real to him. Find that one statement that will work for you. Use it. He will go away. You can get on with your life. You can walk away. Do it. For everyone involved, but especially for yourself. If he did it to his W, he'll do it to you, too. <P>Forgive yourself, and get on with your life. Find some peace. Learn from this and be a better, stronger person for it. You made a mistake, make it right, and move on.<P>Thanks for sharing with us. My prayers are with you.

I just wanted to say that your honesty is appreciated. An affair is a difficult thing for all involved, and the other woman is not always a villain.

Baseballhat, counselme..and everyone else who has reposed and not judged me. ‘Thank you - I’m trying my very best here!!!! - but I’m not doing a very good job! - I am trying but it is hard. He keeps calling...I know I know...I should not answer/hang up on him etc...<P>With all do respect - My questions are not that different from a BS. - I think? - are they?. I have read so much here and it so saddens me when sometimes (and I mean that sometimes) the MM keeps on lying - to you to OW like me - and that is really why I’m here. Not to inflict anymore pain to any of you - but to try to understand how a man/woman can deal with 2 persons at once. <P>In a way I wanted some of the WS’s to say what they really felt during the affair. This is a place to rebuild a marriage - I understand that!!!! - And in a way what WS (man or woman) would really tell the truth (Truth after they regretted their action) on this board. If a WS ever said something ”Good” about their affair then what are they doing here? - I’m not trying to make anyone feel worse then they already do - just well just ....geee I’m not really sure I just wanted to .....in my heart I truly believe that NOBODY wanted to hurt anybody - In my case we acted like stupid teen-agers - then we got bombed with the consciousness - and it’s the highest price I have ever paid. No you can judge me all you want but the truth is that knowing everything today - the hurt the pain the total distructual of myself - I think I would do it again! - why???? - because that feeling/sharing/connection that we had is worth it. <P>I’m not justifying my actions - not in a million years - I’m just telling you what I felt at the time. my whole heart is crying at this time - but I will not see him again! - It hurts like hell - but I guess there comes a time when I have to not be a piece of theta famous cake.<P>I feel so sad and If he called now I don’t know how strong I would be - BUT you all have made me think !!!! - and I thank you for it!<P>Take care<BR>I’m not a villain - I’m just another girl in-love with the wrong man!<BR>

Everytime you answer his calls or the door, he thinks, “I still have a chance with her. I’ll call again later ‘cause I know she’ll answer.”<P>So don’t answer.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>