I remain confused and try to understand my W, but it is very frustrating.<P>In a nutshell---she is WS, been out of the house now for nearly 2 1/2 months and it has been about 2 months since PA d-day. She claims no contact since then, which I tend to believe.<P>Since then she says she can't commit to our marriage and won't counsel together (we have separartly w/different counselors) until she feels committed...won't come home 'til then either.<P>She tells me she loves me every day, but says she says she doesn't know what that means if she can't come home. Something is stopping her that she can't indentify...she cries when she comes to our house...she says she feels like an outsider and uncomfortable there...<P>She has given me examples of where her needs weren't being met and I have acknowledged that I contributed to the state of our marriage but it's hard to fix it by myself... <P>She says she wants to be happy again, but she has been saying that for months now and even admits she doesn't seem to be making any progress...and doesn't know how to get there.<P>I have been trying to be patient and tell her that this is fixable if we work at it and that our (her) house is a safe and secure place for her to return. <P>She says she doesn't know if it is fixable.<P>I am so frustrated and confused. I wish I knew what to tell her or what would convince her that we can move ahead from this and get back to what was a wonderful marriage....I just don't know what to do...I love her very much but this is so hard. This is such a sad story yet I think still has the potential for a happy ending...but.... <P>any thoughts? <P>

<p>[This message has been edited by jdmac1 (edited August 04, 2001).]

Hi Elad<P>I don’t know If this will help but I thought I would write it anyway. From a womans perspective (well mine actually). I’m not saying that it is doomed - your marriage. But she is obviously missing/lacking something. I’m not saying that every woman is the same but perhaps you are to ”safe”/”nice” always there for her....etc..etc... Yes those are good qualities - but she might think of you as a ”safety-man” instead of as ”the man in her life” .. Perhaps (at this time in your relationship) you should try to not be there everytime she needs a shoulder - stupid games I know! - but sometimes I believe we have to play them.<P>I was engaged with a man some 10 years ago - we split up after 2 years (another story) - the thing is that we are the best of friends today - he is like a big brother to me. I keep asking myself WHY didn’t it work out between us - we have the same interests the same humor - we are always so comfortable and relaxed when we are together - but still - NO!. And YES I LOVE him dearly - but I’m not Inlove with him (don’t hang me here <P>What I’m trying to say in my clumsy way is that yes she loves you - but perhaps she is lacking the ”rush” the excitement and I’ll bet that If you in any way begun to make your life a priority over her - like just say you have something up that doesn’t involve her. Change the pattern - rearrange the day - don’t make her the center of your world - even just for a day. She will notice the difference and she will not feel comfortable about it - Perhaps she will not take you so much for granted - which is what I believe is going on in your relationship. She just plainly takes you for granted. Well just my 2 cent’s - I’m in a bit of a mess myself so who am I giving advice - just thought I should <P>However it turns out - best of luck to you!<P>

Elad,<P>I would not suggest "game playing" at that only leads to more dishonesty and reciprical game playing. However, changing patterns of behavior might me a great idea. This would inject some newness into your relationship.<P>My bet is that one of your wife's unmet emotional needs is affection. Seems that it is for most women. Could it be that you need to court her again? I realize that this might be hard because she hurt you with her affair. But you seem to forgive her and truely care for her. Have you tried just dating her with no preasure? Everytime she sees you she probably feels presured to make a decision. Maybe you need to back off a little. Tell her that you love her company and just want to spend time with her. Then for a bit don't presure her to commit and don't presure her for sex (unless that's what she wants.. .then go for it). It's obvious from what you've said that she is in withdrawl from her affair and probably beating herself up emotionally too. Get back to the simple things in life. Like a walk in the park. Going to a movie. And maybe throw in some romance - love in action. Women are suckers for that stuff. I'd like to suggest a book - "1001 Ways to be Romantic", by Gregory Godek. I know I keep telling people in this forum about it but it's full on wonderful, fun things to do to show your love.<P>I could be way off with this next one but for some reason it came to mind. So I'll share it with you...........Many women feel that the man in their life does not listen to them. Really listen. In "Men are from mars, women are from Venus" he says that when women have a problem they talk about it till they are blue in the face. When men have a problem the retreit to their "cave" to work it out on their own. One thing that women complain about with men is that they try to fix our problems. When a woman talks about a problem she is realy just thinking aloud and looking for support. But she wants to solve the problem herself. When men hear a woman talking about their problems, they typically do the manly thing. They take over and try to fix the problem. Women view this as men not being respectful. That they do not trust us to lead our own lives. We love a man who will just listen. Who an interject some insight but not "fix" the problem. I know I'm getting better at telling my husband what i want before I start talking. I'll tell him "I need you to help me fix this... yada yada yada." or "Could you just listen to me while I think aloud. I just want support .... yada yada yada." <P>One of the biggest gifts you could give your wife would be to just listen to her talk about any and everything. She has a lot going on right now as do you. Believe me, a woman cannot resist and man who listens supportively and does not try to fix things. A man who can trust her enough to let her do her own fixing. My husband does this and his love bank doubles in size every time he does.<P>Since I don't really know you situation, don't know if this helps. But here it is anyway.<P>Good Luck<BR>Z<p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited May 26, 2001).]