I intend on entering a Plan B in the near future. Have to wait till after a trip, but then the green light is on.<P>I don't know if I even want her back sometimes, but regardless, I need to not have contact with her. I still think that if she suddenly became remorceful and/or admitted the truth and/or just wanted back, then my attitude would change.<P>I'm hearing OMs name too much from the kids. "We're going to the park with OM...", bla bla bla. That drives me nuts. She pretends that friendship is all it ever was, and right now I don't know the status, but common sense would say there is some extra fun on the side.<P>This morning she is in a wonderful mood (NOT). My kids went there yesterday, and she needed to come by and get another pair of shoes for my son...his got wet at the park. She said "I want his winter boots back". I asked if she wanted them now. She said "well, no, but I paid for them". It is warm now, and by next winter, they won't fit.<P>Then she says "I'm getting a roommate, by the way". She's said that before.<P>She left last November, after announcing her intention to leave in June. I still live in our house, and it is now in my name. She had to sign it over to get her new mortgage. I live in a bigger house than her. I took all the debts and our house, she got her own house and no debt. But she spends alot.<P>She asked for the appropriate child support, but wanted only the downpayment and closing costs for her house, no monthly spousal support. So she gets $1000 per month. My income is higher than hers. I feel like I'm in a catch 22, because she is so stubborn she wants to "do it on her own". Yet, she has money problems....if she didn't eat out all the time and go on trips, she'd be fine.<P>I feel guilty because if I sold the house and moved to a smaller one, I could give her more, and this roommate chatter would stop. But I don't want to offer this because she had the affair and ran away, so why make it easy on her. I keep hoping it will run its course and a miracle will occur before I have to make a drastic move, like selling the house.<P>I recently refinanced it to pay off all my debts. What do I do? Just keep trucking, or am I being stubborn to not move and make things easier? I want to stay here becasuse it is right behind my son's school, and it is a nice place. I figure, why uproot unless I have to, and she'll have to raise a stink before I'll do it, and at that time I'd ensure we discussed the truth about her affair and denial.<P>She eats out all the time, goes no weekend trips and lies telling me they are "free" (gas, good, logding), and has to buy the best of anything.<P>Any advice or opinion on whether I just sit back and watch it all, or try and offer slightly more $$ to prevent a roommate. I want my kids to be safe and happy in her house too, but I don't just want to give in to her lifestyle. I have a big tax bill to pay, that will take at least a year, and after that I could more easily increase what I give her.<P>Thanks.<BR>

I'm with you Rick. No obvious solution. My current strategy is to stay put in my house with 7% mortgage until something breaks one way or the other. It's a given that we'd sell and move if we reconcile, and a given that I'd sell and move if we don't. But I'll wait to see what happens. In 5 years my son's off to college. If I'm single, I'll sell out and buy a boat to live on.<P>Dave (WAT)

Rick37 -<P>No real advice just a couple of quick questions (and maybe you'll answer your own question): Do you like where you live? Is it convenient for you? Does it provide your children with some sense of stability? What would make you happy? I would leave your wife out of the equation for now. You've done more for her this past year than she has done for herself. You need to look after your children's wnats/needs as well as your own. It's not an LB to want to stay in your house. I would only move if it made it easier on me, or if the house held too many "bad memories."<P>Also, think about your kids - do they really need to be up-rooted right now? Maybe in time, moving would be an option, but they already have to deal with your wife's new residence - how would they feel about you leaving in a new place? I think I would stay where you are. In the event a miracle happens and your wife returns - it could be the best way to encourage stability - at least that one aspect of your family.<P>And about the kids? Why would you pay child support? I don't know enough about this, but don't you have custody of the kids? Will there be joint custody? I assume there will be, but you should probably talk to a lawyer and see what you really need to be responsible for. Do you have a separation agreement already? I'm sure you do, but I guess my point is, your wife is having a great time spending money, etc. . .and that's the reason why she needs a roomate - not because you haven't already been generous. You did not force her to move out. She chose to move out - so she really needs to work out her own financial problems. You can be concerned about the kids well-being, but after that, I think she needs to "budget" her own resources her own way.<P>And I don't think it's a LB to not be worried about where she will get money to keep up with her lifestyle. This may not be the best advice, but she's made her bed - so to speak. She always has a place to go if she decides to give your marriage a chance - until then, let her figure her own financial needs out. Just my opinion, though

Hi Rick,<P>I tend to agree with SKM, and also had a couple of questions. If you have primary custody of the kids, why are you paying her child support? I guess I'm not exactly sure how that works, but it seems like paying her $1000/month when the kids aren't with her that much is quite a bit. Maybe I missed something, but that's kind of what it seems like.....<P>I think that if you can swing it that you should stay in your house. It will represent more stability for the kids, and like SKM said, if your wife does come back, then you have the nice house that you two built together.<P>I think by you moving to make things easier for her wouldn't necessarily be the best thing to do. My thought is that will only make it better for her and not bring her any closer to coming back. I don't think it's a bad thing for her to struggle a little bit---it's the reality of her choices at this point.<P>Best of luck, and I sure wish I could meet all of you guys in DC, but it doesn't look that way right now....<P>If things don't work out, then maybe it would be time to reevalutate.

Rick,<P>I think that you should see an attorney right now, even if you and your W are not divorced. If she left you, you owe her NOTHING, save the support she needs for the children. It seems as though what you are giving her is way excessive. In the future, request that she submit receipts for the children's expenses, e.g., clothing, grocery bills, dr.'s/dental appt. expenses, etc., and then you will reimburse her fairly and squarely. By enabling her financially, you are letting her have her head to do whatever she wants. Because she is financially set (due to you, of course), there is no incentive for her to think about returning to the marriage. Of course the OM still looks good - she's still in la-la land, not the hard, cold reality of real life.<P>Cut her off at the knees, friend. You owe her nothing save your share of child-related expenses. She left. She chose this. If she can't support herself - tough!<P>belld

SKM - here are my answers. I love my house, the neighborhood, the location, etc. It was to be for the long term till kids were grown when we built it two years ago. We specifically chose this one lot because it was closest lot to the school (right behind). So I have no desire to move.<P>We did a do-it-yourself separation agreement for the banks when we bought her a house last summer. Then I needed it to refinance my house and pay off debts. So she doesn't consider it "real", but in the event of a dispute, I'd say "hey we have an agreement".<P>We have joint custody. I end up with them more though. I pay child support, and in joint custody it is a ratio based on incomes. It would be complicated to figure it out by the book, because she started working 4 months before the A, and has decent income now. My job changed 2 months after the A, and I got a nice raise, so my income is significantly higher. But what I'm giving her is fine based on all the facts. I'm also still stuck with $531 lease on a van that she just had to have, and after A started, wanted nothing to do with.<P>The reality is that she could get more from me per month if I had to pay ongoing spousal support (in addition to child support), but if that were forced, I could also say OK, lets start from ground zero, and we'd both have to sell our houses...and she'd not want that. So there are alot of factors, too many to list.<P>She did buy alot of new stuff for her house, instead of trying to take big things from my place (appliances, kids furniture, bikes, etc.), but again, that was all her choice to run away, so if she ever decides that she didn't ask for more, then she has to make a move. I can't just hand over more.<P>It is just that old tug of war, because I want to ensure my kids are taken care of at her place, but I don't want to volunteer generosity. She chose this. She keeps telling people "I'm doing it on my own", which is not true, but in any event, she can keep trying.<P>I tend to lose focus (lower productivity) sometimes when this catch 22 gets to me, and on the days when I get nasty moods from her and she starts chattering about this stuff.<P>Thanks.

Rick,<P>You need to talk to your W. Tell her that she needs to sell her house - remember, anything you buy when you are both married is yours jointly. She doesn't own this house free and clear - you both do. There is NO REASON for you to be financing *her* future! If she wants to be on her own, she can get an apartment (if she can afford one). Get rid of the lease on the van. STOP ENABLING HER! <P>Please - STOP letting this woman take advantage of you. It's obvious that you still care for her ... but this is not the way to win her respect for her.<P>Have you talked to an attorney? Please do so - or at least a financial advisor.<P>belld

hurtinginil and belldandy,<P>The laws here are such that conduct (including affairs) in a marriage are not considered when determining settlements in divorce or separation. She was stay at home mom till 15 months ago. I have already seen a lawyer, so I know that she could also be entitled to spousal support beyond the lump sum she got already for her house. It would be complicated though, because we'd have to split everything as of last Nov. when she left, sell our houses, provide financial statements, and start from scratch, with a new revised support structure.<P>It would be more than what she gets now, but the cost in doing all this would make it a mess. She'd not want to have a spotlight on her finances over the past year, that I know. It is in her best interest to just budget properly, and keep things the way they are.<P>Thanks for all the support.<P>

belldandy,<P>Just saw your 2nd post. I know where you are coming from, but I've got to balance everything and keep the kids interest in mind. I don't want her to have to sell her house either. Better for the kids if she keeps it. So as long as she doesn't become nasty and involve lawyers, things are OK.<P>I can't just get out of the lease. I drive it now, so I'm just stuck with the high payment till next year. Then I'll get something cheaper. It would cost a fortune to get out of it.<P>I just weigh the options, and knowing that she could get more $$ monthly if it got nasty, then I'm happy to have my lifestyle remain constant as it is now, keep the house, fit her support into my budget, and make things the best I can for the kids. I think it is unlikely she'd stir the pot, because it would mean changes all around, including selling her house too. She won't want that.<P>I know it seems that I'm enabling her, but if I didn't do this much, then it would be messy, and we'd all be worse off. I give her nothing to become nasty for right now.<P>Does this make sense? It is hard to provide the complete picture.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited May 24, 2001).]

Rick, <P>I'll tell you how I handled things in my case, and maybe it'll help you a bit.<P>In my case, my W decided to buy her own place when she moved out, so I ended up buying out her equity in our house. I can hardly afford our house on my own, I had to discontinue all 401K contributions, and I am barely making it. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. This house is my kids' home, and I want to do all I can to preserve their stability. I figure taht with time, it will only get easier for me financially, so if I can make it now, I'll be able to make it later. May have to postpone updating my car, or other stuff, but it's for a good cause.<P>My W, who makes almost 40% more than I do, and has a lower mortgage payment, is really struggling financially. I have no idea where her money goes, and since I'm in Plan B, I have the luxury of not giving a rat's a$$ about her money issues.<P>So, if you're on the verge of Plan B, I'd say that you need not worry about her cash flow, and even about her roommate situation. In fact, this is precisely the point of Plan B, to give her a reality check. IMO, the harsher that reality is, the better!<P>AGG

AGG,<P>Thanks. I'm doing the home stability thing just as you are. I cannot possibly fit more into my budget, and have income and property tax bills coming, that will take a year or more to pay off. It is very tight, but after I get those taken care of, and finish my van lease, it will get easier. I cut out all things that are not absolutely essential.<P>My little cushion is my dining room set that my wife loved and wanted so bad. $6000 new, so I'll sell it if things get too tight. Funny thing is last fall, when I told her that, she said "Oh no, I hope you don't have to sell it, I love that set".

Rick:<P>One of the main foundations of Plan B is to not meet any of her Emotional Needs. What you propose is to intensify meeting her need for <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3335_fin.html" TARGET=_blank>Financial Support.</A> That’s a no no. If anything, you should cut <B>back</B> on the money you’re giving her if at all possible. It really doesn’t matter, as you’re going to be viewed as a manipulating [censored] by her regardless of what you do. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> My little cushion is my dining room set that my wife loved and wanted so bad. $6000 new, so I'll sell it if things get too tight. Funny thing is last fall, when I told her that, she said "Oh no, I hope you don't have to sell it, I love that set".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So offer to sell it to her. <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Rick,<BR>Since the kids are basically living with you, keep the house for some stability for them. That question was the big one for my son, then 8, where was he going to live.<P>Are you sure you would have to pay her support? It seems like most states have done away with that. <P>My x and I have joint custody, but since the kids live with me, I receive the child support. My x had always worked part-time and I made way more money than her and had all the benefits.<P>She now works full time plus has a fill in job about once a week so she has closed the pay gap considerably, that plus I didn't get very good perfomance reviews for the past 2 yrs(gee, I wonder why that happened?) so my raises have been neglegible. <P>Her child support is based on 30% of what she made in 1998. I periodically consider seeking additional support, but she does usually pay half for kids stuff although she has started balking about that.<P>I imagine you expect your w's roomate will be om, my x's was, or at least thats what she tried to pass him off as to the kids. They knew he wasn't right away.<P>Don't support her. That allows her to continue her affair. OM and his mother supported my then w and thats why I feel I never had a chance at reconciliation. She never had any problems.<P>

WhoDat - I asked a question in a new post. Thanks.<P>RWD - Kids are officially joint and 50/50, just that they are at my place more nights per week than hers...I get them extra. My income is much higher than hers...so the required child support is based on a formula. No variance. Spousal is determined by courts, if you go that route. Instead of that, just gave her downpayment on house.<P>Roommate isn't going to be OM, that wasn't the angle she is coming from. He owns his own place. She just wants to advertise for a student.<P>Thanks.