I have been lurking here for some time and only posting occassionally, but all of you have been so helpful with your concern and advice so here goes....<P>A very little history, dealing with on/off A of H for over 5 years. Every time I think it's off (and it usually is for several months) then it starts up again. Sometimes OW contacts him, sometimes the other way around. I have faced and am dealing with many of the LB activities that I engaged in that allowed an environment for the A and have been trying to correct them as quickly as possible. I actually like myself a lot more now for some of the changes that I have made. The latest incarnation of the A was discovered in July '00. We went through several months of back and forth and the A ended in October. Since that time, H has been very distant although still in the house with us. (we have 2 children, 10 and 12 yrs) I have been trying to be supportive and helpful but probably not really in Plan A until about 2 months ago when I told him that I would not continue to 'beg' him to stay. That the only way that I could be happy is if he is happy and that the only way that that could happen is if he stays because it is what he wants. <P>He will not talk to me about his feelings, emotions, or any personal issues. We just exist in the house together. We do have a great time doing things together, but he is still very distant, mostly after some of the good days. <BR>We had a really good weekend, and since then he has been very distant, pushing me away - I think because he does not want to give me the idea that there is any hope for us.<P>I found a MB affiliated conference in our area that sounds perfect for us - intensive weekend to determine if there are reasons to continue the marriage. Bringing this up was apparently a major LB for him. I tried to talk to him again this morning, but he says that he is leaving. This is what he needs to do, he has absolultely no interest in working on the marriage, will not consider counseling because it would just be trying to get him to stay. He will not consider reading any of MB concepts - after all it is 'marriage builders' and why would he even read any of this information when his mind is made up? <P>HELP....am I doing plan A wrong? Since the A is apparently not going on now - I do believe this - here does not seem to be a basis for plan B. So do I just keep going in plan A. Any why do they have to hurt us so badly? <P>I have an appointment with Steve next week. Can you help me make it until then?

You say he tells you that his mind is made up, and that he doesn't want to work on the marriage. Then why is he still there?<P>IMHO, if he has made up his mind, there is no reason why he would stay.<P>Perhaps you should consider stirring things up a little bit, by telling him how drained out you are (which is so very true for all of us), and perhaps to be so drastic as to suggest a separation (even just a temporary one).<P>I don't think you're doing plan A wrong. Not at all. Are you noticing some improvements in his behaviour? You did mention that you have a great time together when you're out doing things. IMO, if he was so sure that he didn't want to work on things, he wouldn't even partake in any activities with you. But he still does.<P>One of the things I read often on here, and try to focus on all the time, is the big picture. Getting all uptight and worried about every little thing they do or say, only tortures us all the more. Easier said than done, don't I know it! <P>Since you already have an appt lined up with Steve, it is a good idea to just continue with what you've been doing. I'm sure he will be able to give you more insight, and help you to make decisions that would best suit your situation. Although I wouldn't be surprised if what he tells you is that you're doing absolutely terrific!!<P>Take care,<P>Karen<BR>

I think your H is in withdrawal stage from the OW. It is painful to watch of course. 2 things jumped out at me in you posting. First being, when u said u love the changes you have made within YOURSELF while in Plan A! THAT'S GREAT! That is what Plan A is about, changing patterns in YOURSELF that make you feel better about YOU. Remember, u can't change the spouses behavior only yours, continue to work on you because no matter what happens with you H, you have to love/like YOU first and foremost. Secondly, you say that H say's he is leaving, and as you know u can't force him or beg him to stay, it will only push him further away as a LB. If he is adament about leaving, let him go. But don't be shocked when you hear that he has gone back to OW. BS don't leave unless the OP is there to pick up where they left off. You and OW are making it too easy for him to do the back and forth pattern that he has been doing. It may be time for a Plan B if this is the case again. He needs to see/feel the consequences of his hurtful actions.

bmw:<P>I'd say that your plan A is probably OK (not perfect, but then who's is?). And given your situation, in general I'd recommend more Plan A (well, after I'd tell you to call Steve... )<P>The major issue that I see is that this has been a long affair, and you've been dealing with it for a long time. If your love for your husband is getting low, then Plan B might be an appropriate response. I'd leave this for you and Steve to hammer out---but if he's threatening to leave, a perfectly acceptable response is "OK, although I don't want you to leave, if it's something you need to do, I'll support you. And if you're ready to work on the marriage, I'd be happy to have you back..."<P>If he is dealing with withdrawal from the affair, though---this would be the wrong approach (IMO). A lot has to do with where you are emotionally in this marriage---if you've got lots of love, you're at Plan A. If you're about ready to divorce him, Plan B is where you need to be.

Topie, Trying and K<P>thanks for the responses. I guess that I do still have hope - there is always hope with God in charge. I just get so tired and down. Topie - thanks for reminding me to look at the big picture. Some times I just get so low that the details of the day take me down, and I project doom and gloom. I forget that the sun will rise again tomorrow.<P>Trying...thanks for the encouragement. I do know that it is a real possibility that he could start up with the OW, but all that I can do is keep going with plan A, and go to plan B if that starts. I'm ready for plan B if that happens.<P>K...I do have lots of love, that has not changed a bit. I feel like this is one of the 'for worse' times that I am committed to staying through. I am just so tired and beaten down. I pray every day for some easing of the stress.<P>I just got off the phone with H and he really listened and was supportive for the first time in a couple of weeks. I tried to explain to him that I will try to support his decision to have some time to 'sort things out' but that this does not/cannot include any contact with OW and he 'says' he understands. There are some logistical and financial issues with him moving out - basically we cannot afford his rent payment nor can I handle my job and all of the transport for our children. My biggest fear at this point is that he will just decide one day that he is going and that none of this will be worked out and I'll be left with all of it.<P>He says that he will not listen to any other options and will not read any of Dr. Harley's information nor even consider counseling. I think that his situation is shaky at best and he does not want any of his opinions/decisions challenged in any way. I think this is also why he will not ever talk to me about his feeling. Guess I have to do a better job at plan A - in trying to be a more empathetic listener. He says that he cannot really consider any other options because being on his own and having his own 'cave' to himself is something that he has dreamed of for so long. <P>Maybe I should just push him on so that he can see the 'cave' that he creates is not exactly as glamorous as the one in his dreams. (He says he won't ask for any furniture or anything from the house but his clothes. Wonder how he is planning to furnish this place with no money?) Is the fog so thick that he really cannot even thing through simple cause and effect models?<P>In the mean time, I keep trying plan A and he has agreed to talk some more tonight. Keep me in your prayers so that I will have the support I need tonight to keep from LB's. As bad as today and the last few days have been, maybe this is the start of breaking down the walls.