Hi--I've been out of reach of the internet (and "civilization") for the past three weeks and am in desperate need of MB advice! For those who don't know my story--my H (WS) and I have a project out of the US on which we work jointly when he is not teaching at the university. He began an EA with one of his undergraduate students, which became a PA by last September. Last summer, the OW/student had joined us here for the work and I had a front-row seat for the EA/PA development...I felt compelled to stay mum (mostly) though I saw what was happening because H accused me of interfering with his professorly interactions with a student, said I was paranoid, etc.<P>Long story short, H went through phases: prior to D-day, wanted a D, then separation, then (AFTER D-day) wanted to try again. Our work requires numerous separations, during which time he and the OW have been in constant contact at the university (and at times, outside the univ.) Before he joined me here for the remote on-site work, we were both (apparently) feeling good about trying again and I was committed to doing my best Plan A, despite the fact that OW has decided to stay at the univ. for grad. studies with my H as advisor/"mentor." I got very agitated just before he arrived, realizing it was going to be VERY difficult to carry out Plan A when I still had no idea to what degree if any he was still lying about ending the A.<P>So...the past three weeks have been a more insane roller-coaster ride than anything that we've been through already. I have gone from one extreme to the other, Plan A-ing very well for a day or two, then flipping out and LB. He really did try sometimes and now I feel very bad for failing to continue Plan A without faltering. But oh my God, has it been hard!! We were at the same site where the OW and he started their flirtatious romping one year ago (it was exceedingly cruel, he ordered me to handle various aspects of the work while he and she went off to "explore", day after day, I was alone working while they were alone together---meals were excruciating, listening to her kiss up to him, H lapping it up...AUGGHH, still makes me ill). <P>So the ghosts of what happened were just too much for me to handle--add to that the pressures of the work itself (fieldwork in the middle of the desert in a third world country), and there were just too many times when it all got overwhelming. Funny thing is, before he came, I was doing the work myself and having a great time, though I was physically exhausted. It seems the combination of the memories of what transpired last year, coupled with knowing she intends to stay in his life one way or another, plus doubting whether he is telling the truth about it being "over", just makes it impossible for me to maintain Plan A for long. Also, one of the main stresses which ate at the marriage before the A keeps getting in the way--I think of the project as our work, our dream, our "baby", he, over the years, has increasingly seen it as HIS work, HIS creation, with me as "helper/employee/servant" etc. Easy to see why a teenage student would be attractive in this case, she owes what she knows to him, can't be a "threat" as apparently I am when I am single-handedly running the show here.<P>Now we are back to being at the end of our respective ropes. The last big LB issue---he has suddenly planned a trip to the capital city (with a valid medical reason), the timing of which coincides with OW's arrival to work with another project. I very calmly, non-confrontationally and without anger asked him about whether he thought he might see her there....he blew up every bit as violently as when I have accused him in a nasty way. Then he took it out on me through the work, making demands I couldn't possibly meet and asserting that he was in control, etc. I've had about seven hours of sleep in the past four days and am in a pretty awful state. On the one hand, I feel awful about freaking out and LB---most of the time, it was not major, just reiterating how much pain I still felt from the A (after admitting how sorry I am for my part in the state of the marriage prior to that); but sometimes, when I was voicing my hurt and he attacked me (saying over and over how everything is MY fault, the whole wreck of the marriage is MY fault and saying I won't take responsibility for my prior behavior, even after I have just finished telling him how much I regret the things I did/didn't do in the marriage), at those times, I blew up in a ferocious way, and undid all the good my quiet Plan A behaviour had built up. <P>At this moment, he is over in the market trying to acquire a mobile phone...I am virtually certain it is for the purpose of ease of contact with OW while she is working in this country on the other project. My question is--where do I stand now? To continue Plan A, I have to ignore the possible rendezvous in the capital city next week and the fact that the mobile phone may mean the two of them are continuing at least the EA. Calmly setting boundaries has not worked; H interprets any such thing, even a simple request by me that, for example, he allow me to be present in the same shop while he is emailing (he started banning me from the internet cafes last summer after she returned to the US), as an affront on his dignity and an attempt to control him. <P>So should I just ignore all this and go about Plan A and see what happens? He is really in a bad state now and wants time away from me (we were together 24/7 in the desert--even strong marriages might be tested by that); I am also in a bad state and sometimes feel I am losing my mind--why do I want so much to be good at Plan A and then just throw it all away?? Sometimes I feel very calm and see clearly what I need to do, for myself as well as the marriage. I want to be a good person and do the right thing, but sometimes the hurt is so great and I need so desperately for him to at least comfort me or say he's sorry or SOMETHING that when he doesn't, or worse, attacks me and says awful things to me, I just fly off the handle. I just can't seem to maintain the Plan A behavior; just acting happy is sometimes so tough. How in the world do I level out? I can't Plan B now because of the work, and when we return to the States this summer, obligations and financial constraints also rule out Plan B, unless it becomes the first step to a D. I am sorry this is so long, I am starved for advice, commiseration, "staightening out", words of wisdom. Thank you in advance, octavia99

Bringing this up in hopes others will have more advice..<P>FWIW his reactions, his blaming, makes me think the affair is still on going unfortunately and I think you are right he is going to see her. There is nothing you can do to stop him. Many here are against snooping but I think you need to somehow monitor what's going because there is so much at stake with your work etc. Try to Plan A the best you can but at the same time I think you need to detach emotionally to protect yourself and realize his blaming and anger towards you are just his guilt. <P>Please protect yourself legally at all costs.

Dear KalGrl, Thank you for your response. Since I wrote, H and I have had a couple of productive discussions and several horrible, violent arguments. What emerged from the prior is that he wasn't necessarily planning on seeing/talking to her while she is here, but also was not ruling it out. He says he "can't be mean" to her; he is still of the belief that he and she can continue to be "friends" and professionally related. I am resigned to the unhappy realization that he will probably never move beyond that, that the EA will always continue, even if the PA does not. I am 99% ready to give up. But there is always some shred of hope that keeps me going--or maybe it's just refusal to accept reality that keeps me tied to this increasingly intolerable situation? He still gets tearful after the arguments and almost begs me to "let him be nice," and seems seriously to have wanted to try to work on us when he came out here. I know if I had been able to stick with Plan A, things would be much, much better now. <P>What you said about detaching myself emotionally is very true--I think what drives my LBing is letting myself get too hopeful and letting my love for him cloud my expectations--I get buoyed up and then crash all the more when something happens that reminds me how far we really are from repairing the marriage, not just the A part, but all that was wrong in the first place. <P>As for protecting myself legally, that is also a nightmare. When he first demanded a divorce (on which he later recanted and which he is now bringing up again), I had to try to think about how to do that and it is almost impossible. The joint work is not subject to US laws like, say, a joint biz. in the US would be. So the only ways to safeguard the nine years of work I've put into this project is to negotiate with him, which is mostly impossible, or to use the power I have (i.e., proof of his violation of university policy and professional standards) as leverage, which is major, major LB and also the kind of vengeful, nasty behavior I know I would live to regret.<P>I feel like my choices are all unacceptable, all awful: 1) agree to continue working with him, but as "discarded wife" and humble servant, while he elevates OW/student to (and probably above) my former position/status--result, I lose my sanity; 2) use the evidence against him to ensure OW can no longer be his student and cannot work on the project; result--I lose my dignity and any chance of cooperation with him; 3) give up all claims to my work; result--I lose the thing that has given meaning and direction to my life for the past decade, and really, since I was I child, since this work has been the realization of my dreams.<P>Thanks again for your help--and I welcome any and all thoughts, responses, advice. octavia99