OK, I've been thinking alot about things as of lately, and have come to a few conclusions. A little background: D Day of H's A April, 2000, which had been going on since January. He has tried numerous times to break it off to no avail. Every time he tries, OW continues to contact him and sucks him back in. He says my behavior is driving him back to her. Finally has gotten another job, so he will not be working with her any more as of the middle of June. Last weekend suddenly said again, I cannot stand it here and I am leaving as of June 1. I don't think he will, but can't really be sure. I'm also pretty sure OW is behind that---she gave him some type of timeline to be out of the house.<P>Why am I hanging on? This has been going on for so long, and the lies just continue and continue. I am at the point that I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. Sometimes, I'm not sure I even love him.<P>My real question: I have finally come to the conclusion that I am afraid of how our family and friends will react if he leaves. I am embarrassed that he had an affair and am afraid that people will look at it that I was a horrible wife and so he had to find love somewhere else. Why do I think like this? Am I just really losing my mind?<P>Sometimes I just think that I should put up with it, because on the outside we appear to be a happy family with everything anyone could ever want. If people really knew....

This is going to be another one of those 'easier said than done' replies.<P>But why care what others think? Besides, I think the general concensus among everyday people is that HE is the one who is to blame. If anything, you're just feeling guilty b/c you are aware of what your part in the marriage breakdown was.<P>And speaking from my own experience (I told far too many people, and am now regretting it actually), they are mad at my H, not b/c of the A's, but b/c he left. Period. He didn't own up to his responsibilities of being a husband and father in the home. He's the one who is supposedly taking the 'easy way out'. He's the one who isn't sure what he wants, or how to achieve finding out. In the eyes of others (and myself far too often), he abandoned us.<P>So, should your H decide to leave. Do not dare think that people will talk about what a horrible wife you must be to drive him away like that! AS IF!! They will be far more interested in discussing what a bad person HE is for leaving.<P>And should you start telling people the reasons why, then be prepared that most will still not blame you for your part. They also will not understand your want to reconcile.... at first. They may not support you in the way you hope, but you can expect to hear a lot of "you're a far better person than I would be in this situation".<P>I'm not sure if this has helped you any, but I hope it will shed a little light onto what to expect SHOULD your H actually move out.<P>Take care!<P>Karen<BR>

Topie25 speaks the truth.<P>I have probably told more people than I should have, but it eased the pain at first (sometimes I'm a little embarrassed, but most people have been very supportive.)<P>Again, 99% of the people are mad at H. Thinks he has lost his mind. My sister referred to him as being abducted by aliens. And, I get a lot of "You a better person than I would be." (Which is in no way my intent, I just want to keep my marriage together, be able to love my husband, and make a life together for our children.<P>When I talk of him leaving and not being able to cope, EVERYONE says that I will NOT be alone. I will have their support. (even my in-laws.) Gather your troops, (and I don't me against him, but to support you) and do nice things for yourself. I have bought new clothes, lost 25 lbs, cut and colored my hair...and NO it is not for him. IT is for ME.<P>You are not losing your mind. You are finding your way. <P><BR>

J - ditto Topie. But you know what? I'm not embarassed at all - maybe I'm screwed up! I am proud of you - proud to call you my friend even though we've never even talked. Play the hero here, not the victim. Be proud of yourself for enduring and fighting for your kids. We understand better what you've been doing and we encourage you to keep going. You're not embarassed with us, right? Hold your head high and be proud that you're the rock in your family.<P>Dave

<B>hurtinginil</B>,<BR>I know how you feel, I’m there with you. I’m struggling through this thinking myself too. Please listen to the advice that people give to you here. I know it is hard to do, but just think about it. No matter what happen you will be a better person through all of these.<P>OOOO <BR>

Hurting -<P>You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of, it's your H who should be ashamed of what he has done and is doing to you. Personally, I think you would be just fine without him, but know that is not what you want. I have known some couples in which one partner has cheated (no one knows about my affair), but in those cases, the WS was the bad guy. And, that's because - no matter what problems you all had or were having - an affair was not an appropriate solution to try and resolve those problems. I guess, I should have more to fear being the WS, but you know what, if someone found out about it, I really wouldn't care, because what is important is how my H feels towards me, and how I feel towards him. I know what I did, how horrible it was, but I also know how much I have changed. God gave me a new life, and I am totally different - so I don't see myself as the bad guy anymore - well, at least not on a daily basis anymore <P>You have a lot to be proud of - so don't think for a minute that you have done anything wrong, or that you will be judged by your friends and family. Yes, maybe you could do a better job of meeting his needs - but even that may not help. You're H is being very selfish - he sees you as the problem, as the excuse for him to have an affair, to leave a bad situation - one in which he helped to create. But, he's totally forgetting about his role in all of this.<P>Hang in there, and don't worry about what other people think. It's how you feel about yourself and what you are trying to do (save your marriage) that counts.

hurtingnil<P>I share some of your feelings but Topie and SKM are correct. Most people who know about my situation (and there is a lot) view my H as the person in the wrong.<P>They do not understand why I would want to get back with him and my parents are in the against husband camp. I have total support of my inlaws and several true friends. While good friends will generally tell you their feelings, I have found that true friends will support your decisions and not tell you repeatedly that you are making a mistake.<P>But I have come to the point where, I dont care what other people think because the only person that matters is me. If I am satisfied that I am doing the right thing by working on my marriage, then all of the other people can either accept it or move on. <P>I know that sounds harsh but I truely believe that my marriage can be saved and be better then it was before the A. I know that because it is already better than it was 3 months ago and I have hope that it will continue to improve. A better marriage will in turn make me a better person and increase my happiness. A better marriage will also make my H a better person.<P>If someone cant see the changes, and possibility of happiness then they are not looking closely enough or at all and will never change their opinion.<P>As far as the general public, who cares. Most will soon forget as it will be old news and who likes to talk about old news.<P>Hold your head high and be confident that you have nothing to be ashamed of because you are doing the right thing for you and your family.

Thank you for the replies. I really, really appreciate them!! <P>A little background that may explain where some of these feelings are coming from. I got pregnant when I was a senior in high school, and H and I got married 3 weeks after we graduated. We are originally from a very small town in the midwest that is extremely conservative. Being pregnant at the age of 18 and "having to get married" was a huge deal there. I had people say to my face and heard about people saying that it was too bad I'd never amount to anything, go to college, get a decent job, etc. etc. There were also people that told me my marriage would never last.<P>When in counseling last year, the first thing that came out was that from day one of our marriage, it was my goal to show everyone else that I could be successful, and I in turn, ignored my marriage. This is true, and very painful for me to accept.<P>I think that because of all of that, I am so scared of these people being right---my marriage didn't last, and that I couldn't do what it took to make it work. Intellectually, I know this isn't true, but those feelings are still there.<P>Topie---In most things, I couldn't care less what people think of me. In this situation, though, for some reason, I think that people will look at me as the wife who failed. I don't really understand it myself, and that is why I am struggling so much I think.<P>Cali---I have a great support system around me, mainly people from our church, and of course, you guys!! They are all furious with him because he hasn't let her go. BTW, he's the one that told them he was having an affair, so he can't blame that on me. I've told very few people outside of that circle, and am glad that I haven't. If he leaves, though, I will not lie if people ask me what happened.<P>Dave---as always, thanks. And you always make me cry with your kind words.....<P>OOOO----I sure wish those thoughts would go away, you too, I'm sure.....It seems like every time I turn around, there's another hurdle to cross, it's getting old, isn't it!!<P>SKM---your words of wisdom are always so very comforting, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time that you spend creating them. I always appreciate the perspective that you offer and that you are so willing to share with us. Thank you so much!!<P>

Hurtinil,<BR>I'm with the others in living your life as well as you can throughout this and not worrying too much what other people think...other people are going to have enough trouble in their lives at some point that they will forget yours.<P>And, also beware of feeding into those who are angry on your account. If you do reconcile at a later point (and remember, I'm not likely to see separation as the end, having had so many, and now in recovery) those same angry people may be angry at you for trying again, if that should happen.<P>If someone is in the acquaintance category, rather than a friend you confide in, say "I love my husband and believe in marriage and hope that God's will and timing will bring us back together. I'm standing for my marriage." (if that's how you feel, anyway, don't say it if you don't want that)<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8