I haven't posted in a while because H gets paranoid about what I might say about him so I've just been responding occasionally on other people's threads.<P>Two weeks ago I spoke with Steve Harley. H won't participate in counselling any more. Anyway, while I was on the phone, H was ranting and raving at me and called me, among other things, a "twisted c###." After listening to that, Steve recommended I restart process for legal separation. Well, I told H that I was leaving if he yelled abusively at me again. <P>No yelling for almost two weeks, until two days ago. He was more loving, more considerate, more interested in intimate sex as opposed to just satisfying needs, I'm sure you know what I mean. His other bad behavior of "disappearing" for hours, even overnight has continued, though, call me stupid, I don't really think he was with OW, I think he is going through a really hard time emotionally and exacerbates it with drugs and alcohol.<P>He felt terrible after we fired an employee for drug-related behavior three days ago and turned the whole issue around to be my fault. Again I became a list of bad names. This behavior has continued for two days, along with disappearing both evenings until around midnight. This morning he told me that he doesn't like me anymore and that I should just f###ing leave. <P>So, I packed up and I'm leaving. I've taken all I can take. I already had an appt. scheduled with Steve H for today and he felt that I'm doing what I have to do. He warned me that H may go back to OW, which is a scary thought but not enough to keep me here at this point. I'll be staying with friends for a few days and then hopefully moving into an apartment. <P>The worst part is leaving the kids. The youngest is almost 16 and I'm going to ask him if he wants to move with me - he's my nephew and can move back with his parents when school lets out on June 8th. His sister is almost 18 and already planning to move out after graduation on June 7th. H's 20 year old son and his girlfriend also live here, but I'm not worried about them since they're old enough to take care of themselves. <P>The kids are very upset about me leaving because they can't count on my H. I had promised them I'd try to stay until they left, but I can't be treated this way any longer. I'll still be available to give them rides, and talk, etc.<P>I probably won't have a computer for a while so I won't be able to check here for support. Please wish me well. Maybe my H will rise to the occasion and be responsible for the kids and maybe even accept responsibility for his own behavior. I'm not counting on it. I just have to take care of myself right now. I even joined a women's gym today to start exercising more regularly.<P>I've been plan A'ing like crazy and it helps when he's in a good mood. But unless/until he's willing to make some plan to control his behavior, there's really nothing more I can do.

I wish you luck. Let us know how you are doing when you can get to a computer.

LetSTry, I am happy that you are getting out of that abusive relationship! It may not physical but it's mental and you don't deserve it! You do what you got to do and take care of yourself. Take care!

You're doing the right thing. God will be with you through it all and remember, it will get better, you just have to go through the forest of pain and rejection to get to the other side of the rainbow. No one deserves to be treated the way your H treats you. You will survive and I'll pray for your happiness. <P>Also, please remember that you can borrow the use of a computer at the public libraries. This way, you can continue to get support through this great site.<P>Displaced<p>[This message has been edited by Displaced (edited May 24, 2001).]

LetSTry:<P>It's most beneficial for you to get away from the abuse. No one should have to be subjected to that. The verbal, mental and emotional abuse will drain your inner energy. My H didn't direct his anger personally towards me, when he yelled, ranted, raved, and cussed, but intensity of what he projected was enough. My doctor called H's intermittent explosive behavior, and was afraid it might escalate to the point he would get physical. <P>I know we can't control what someone else does, only what we choose to subject ourselves to. So I can understand that's the only choice you could have under the circumstances. <P>I've also read and sometimes think it was true in my H's case, that sometimes it's the hurt they have inside that's why they lash out in anger. But, that is his problem that only he can deal with. If drugs & alcohol are involved that <BR>can only complicate the issue. <P>Good for you for joining the gym, that should help you a lot. It really helped me to relieve tension and stress. <P>Hopes that things will get better for you. <BR>May God Bless You<BR>

Letstry -<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you. I really think you're doing the right thing. You need to look out for your mental health - and right now, your H needs to control his addictions and his lashing out before, I think, you can really have a marriage. You still have a family who loves and cares about you, but you don't have a healthy marriage right now - and that's not you're doing - it's your H's. He has choices, he's just not making the right ones now. Maybe this will be enough to wake him up. Take care of yourself! I'll be thinking about you.

thinking of you. good luck as you move ahead in your life. prayers & hugs

LetsTry<P>You are doing the right thing. Never doubt yourself. God will take care of you and be with you.<P>Do check in at the public library if you can we care about you.<P>

LetSTry:<P>You're in my prayers. You're doing the right thing---I'm afraid your husband is going to have to crash and burn before a reconciliation is possible. That's what Plan B is for.<P>Take care of yourself.

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate the support. I don't know why it's so easy for me to question myself and think I must be doing something wrong or my H is really right about me being manipulative and demeaning and deceitful. As I write it, I know it's not true. Not that I don't have faults and I've been working hard to be more loving and supportive and to give him more admiration and little or no criticism. I know on some level that everything will be all right, but right now it just doesn't feel that way. <P>BTW, kids told me that H is still in contact with OW, at least by phone, so call me "stupid"...

Hi Letstry,<BR>Sorry I missed this the first time. I have not been on the computer every day.<P>I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time, but happy you are doing what you need to for yourself. I hope you get to come here and read, e mail me if you can. I miss hearing from you. <P>You know you have worked hard and long on giving your H every chance to join you in restoring your marriage. He does not seem ready. He can not see beyond his selfish needs to your pain. I am not surprized he is still in contact with OW. His actions are too mean and thougthless to be anything else. Please take care of yourself now OK?<P>Lora

Dear LST,<BR>HUGS and prayers to you!!!<BR>I am usually hanging out in recovery as you know, but popped in here tonight to see if there were any posts from you and wala! I am sorry to hear about this turn of events, but you are a good person and you do not deserve this treatment! I am glad you are doing something for yourself!!!I am just sorry I did not catch this sooner - have not been on in a few days - having probs with OD. Please do not feel bad about leaving - you need a break! It is your H's problem and it sounds as though he is "messed up" and he doesn't need to drag you down! Please recognize that you have been trying so hard to Plan A and he is incapable of responding - it is NOT you, it is him. Get away, relax, be good to yourself. I went home last weekend and got together with all of my good friends - haven't laughed that much in over a year and it felt so good!! I felt like my old self again and I think you may need the same, too! WE can't let our H's "change" us and drag us down - my dear friends reminded me that I am a fun, good person - it felt good. Please keep in touch - I will be thinking of you and praying for you, but I know you will be ok...you can do this!!!<BR>As an aside - OW is showing up on buddy list(like to keep tabs when she is online) and guess where she is!!!??? in a romance chat room!!! Ha! She is probably looking for her next sucker! or may have found him already! oh, some people never change...<P>Please take care - you don't need or desere that s...!!!<BR>Hugs,<BR>S