Hi folks, <P>I'm weary. I want this to all just go away. <P>I have mixed emotions about posting this. I know so many of you are hurting far greater than I. For some of you, your spouses have abandoned you and your kids. I can only imagine the suffering you are enduring. <P>For me, I have much to be thankful for. My wife is in my home. I do sleep next to her. But, I don't feel loved. She started school again a couple weeks ago, which means she now sees the OM almost daily; he's an instructor there. Some days she comes home in a great mood other days, like yesterday, she comes home with tears in her eyes. She won't tell me what she is feeling. She went right to our bathroom, closed the door, lit a few candles and took a long bath. I asked her if she was OK and she just said "go away". She finally came out, did some studying, read to the kids and went to bed. I went in and gave her a long back rub as I do every night. Sometimes we talk, other times she just doesn't want to say anything. I have found out that she got another email account (password protected of course) and is probably emailing this guy again. <P>What kind of grip does this man posses on her? I know that there is no way that he can compete with the way I treat her. Yet, she desires something from him that I don't have. I know this man has never told his wife about them. I thought I had forgiven him for what he has done. I am starting to have a lot of anger toward him again. I wonder how many other middle-aged women has he seduced? How many other marriages has he destroyed?<P>As I was rubbing her back last night, horrible thought of the two of them flooded my mind. What do they say to one another? What does she say about me? Why aren't I enough for her?<P>In many ways, I feel she is very content with the way things are. And why shouldn't she be? For the past nine months, I have given like never before. I handle nearly everything in the house since she is going to school. I cherish her more than any woman would want - I think. I give her lots of touch. I take her on lots of dates. I shower her with compliments. I support her in all she does. I have given her so many flowers, she has asked me to stop. I write her little love notes each day. I send her affectionate emails. I could go on and on. I get so little in return. Her emails to me are business like. I get almost no touch back. I rarely get a compliment. I get no affirmation. I'm not special to her. <P>Somehow I keep going. Somehow I keep giving. I'm actually taking her dancing tonight. I hope there are some slow songs because I just want her to put her arms around me.<P>I just want to feel loved even for just one song.<P>SHA

This must be how my H felt this time last year. I'm so sorry, SHA. Everyone deserves to be loved by the one they cherish above all others.<P>You sound so much like my H -- and therefore you must be a great guy! I do hope your W comes out of the fantasy soon and realizes what's lying in the bed next to her.<P>Stay Strong ... Lean on God.

I know how you are feeling. I'm in an apartment, sleeping alone. That has been so hard. I told him I loved him on the phone last night before I hung up. He said "okay". I would love to feel "loved just a little" as well. I wish I knew what God's plan was for all this. We just have to be patient.

Hi SHA, i was hoping to catch you to see how things are going, but i guess this answers my questions <BR>I know you were worried about her going back to school, and this is the worst case scenario you expected. How painful for you.<P>I've been trying to follow in your footsteps since H came home last week, ie, doing tons of things for him and being as loving as possible. I just feel this low-grade discontent, though, like i'll never be good enough for him. He told me he loved me last night, and we lay together and watched a lightning storm for awhile, but in the week he's been home, he has slept in the guest room, b/c he has a "cold" he does not want me to catch. He's not working with OW anymore, so i guess he is going through witdrawal, but it takes all my strength to not tell him to just leave, that we are never going to make each other happy.<BR>I'm just waiting for the next horrible thing to happen...the next phone bill or lame excuse to go to her town, that will turn my warm coals of ditrust into the raging flame of anger.

Hi SHA<P>Are you ever scared that one day you will wake up and say this just is not worth it... Do you ever wonder that life is way to short to live like this... How much can a human being endure before becoming a total crack pot?<P>Are you acting the same around her as you did wehn you first met? Could it be that she is not attracted to you anymore because she sees you as a weak person? As long as she is getting what she wants she will use you as a door mat. Seem like you have endured alot and now somewhere inside her she just expects this Queen treatment. Can it be time for Plan B, leave the house, make her leave? Life just may be easier without her? <P>I do not mean to offend here but are you the same "man" as when she fell in love. Have you lost your own self respect? and now appear too weak for her to respect? Is she the person you really want? Say if she never changes? Will you live like this for the rest of your life?<P>I am so so sorry for your situation. Kids being involed make it worth to endure more but make a promiss to yourself that you will give it a set amount of time and then stop trying and get on with your life. <P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

Oh SHA -<P>Here's as BIG a HUG as I could give you!! Hang in!!! You will both get through this. It will just take more time. <P>This has got to be extremely difficult for both of you. She is confused and the school thing is fresh - let her have some room and time to absorb it and figure out how she can handle seeing him (if she does) on a daily basis. <P>That said, it does nothing but give you more pain to think that she has not gotten past him with all you have done for her. I'm sorry for that. You haver learned much about yourself, your strength and your capabilities. Take heart in that. <P>She is with you and with the care and love from you she can get through these "fantasy" feelings and she will realize that you are other women's fantasies" of what they want in a Husband!!!<P>Keep being the wonderful man that you are, you will be rewarded with the love and affection that you need and deserve!! I know you will!!! <P>Time, my friend - it took time to get her to the point of the affair and it will take time for her to process and get back from it completely. You are doing a great job.<P>Hope you have slow songs tonight also!!<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba

SHA,<P>My heart aches for you brother. You have been an inspiration to me, and i wish i could be the same for you.<P>I do have one issue for you to think about. Not that i have the right answer, but it's something you might should consider since her contact w/OM continues. <P>In my case, i finally called the OMs W. The result was she confronted him, he decided his marriage was important to him, and he ended the affair. I've wondered whether this was better or worse than letting it run its course. Considering that allowing it to continue only increased the chances of it deepening, I feel i did the right thing. Does my W resent me for it? Maybe, but that's a product of her warped sense of values, not my problem. My hope is that as she returns to reality she will see my actions in a different light and perhaps as justified. I don't know, but i can't keep second guessing myself. I think i did the right thing for my family. At least it put the two of them into the position of having to decide what was most important to them. They could return to their marriages or they could end their marriages and be together, but continuing to cheat was not going to be an option.<P>My W and OM see each other from 1-3 times a week in the workplace and that's a real problem for me. Nevertheless, the affair (at least the physical part) is over. From everything i am able to see, they have virtually no contact. I don't know how my situation will turn out. My W could still chose to end our marrige, or we could heal. I don't know which will happen. I do know that i will not sit by and watch her engage in an affair. That is not an option available to her. <P>I don't mean for this to sound macho. It's not meant to be. It's a real tough call that only you can make, but you have to have some respect for yourself.<P>Good luck to you, and know that you are in my prayers. <P>

Hey SHA, I'm so sorry to hear about the setbacks. Your thoughts are the same one's I have about my W, as you know. It's a shame that she seems so indifferent to your actions. As you know, we have a lot in common, and i wish i could tell her how much you CAN change, and try to convince her not to hold the past against you, but look forward to the future with you. As you told me, it will take time-and as my counselor told me, give it everything you got, and if in the end it doesn't work, then at least you know you tried to make things right. You are in my prayers.

SHA,<P>I am so sorry you feel this way. I am so happy with the progress you've made - this may be a step backwards, but you've made such headway that you can't stop now. <P>It wasn't healthy for her to start seeing him through school, and I totally understand your anger. <P>I wonder if it would be a LB if you could share your needs with the wife? I would guess it would be. Uggghhhhhh....<P>Can only offer my prayers and support.<P>God Bless.

Man you need to teach my Hubby !!!!!! I have to ask my hubby to write love notes, get me a flower or etc... Only then he will do it. And then that's not the same. I like you feel no love. Hubby tells me at least 20 times a day he loves me but yet I don't feel it. I don't feel it at all. I haven't got a love note in a looooong time but I can 100% guarentee you if I asked tonight for one then I'd get it. Just yesterday my 14 year old daughter brought me 3 Lily flowers. Hubby says that was nice and I said yes. He said I wish I would have brought them I said to him well you pass by it everyday on your way to and from work. And he says, at least I got you potting soil. Whoopie. I got potting soil that was charged to his account at work. I'm so thrilled. Give me a break. My hubby could bring me flowers if he'd wanted to. But my hubby is not smart when it comes to romance. That word is Greek to him. I'm so sorry for you. Your wife should be lucky and proud to have you. I would be.<P>------------------<BR>Ree<p>[This message has been edited by Ree (edited September 09, 1999).]

Thank you one and all. I suppose I just needed a little encouragement today. I feared her going back to school and seeing this man again and justifiably so. I do think she is not seeing him for any physical reasons. I believe from the start her intentions where for friendship. Our marriage was in such a shambles at the time they met, that it probably didn't take much to woo her. I'm sure the next four months will be tough. It's just so hard to take big steps back.<P>Maya - Thank you. You give me hope that this snare my wife is entangled with will someday be loosened. And that she will see that our marriage can be great. you are right, I do need to lean on God more. <P>Janie - I haven't seen you post in a while, perhaps I missed it. I hope you are holding up OK. I am uncertain of God's plan too. I know he has transformed me into a better man. I believe he still has a lot of work yet to do on me. <P>love WAS blind - Thanks for caring. I don't think this is the worse scenario I could have expected. I'm trying to trust again. So, I hope she is just experiencing withdrawal of a little higher magnitude due to actual contact. I don't know. I ask you to hold on too. Don't give up on hope. I have those feelings that perhaps our marriage will never be the same or better too. I often wonder if real intimacy can be reestablished after this. I don't want my wife to settle for me. I want us to both be happy. You hold on too. I think your husband telling you he loves you is a great thing. <P>toronto_m_29 - hey buddy. Thanks for the "right between the eyes" perspective. You asked a lot of questions. I'll do my best to answer each.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Are you ever scared that one day you will wake up and say this just is not worth it...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No, not yet anyway. I do fear that perhaps I neglected my wife too much in the past that I may not be able to have real intimacy with her again. I don't regret anything I have done. No matter what happens, I will know I've done my best.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do you ever wonder that life is way to short to live like this...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Life is too short, that's why I am living like this. I used to have regrets, I don't have any now. My wife gave so much to me for so long, that I feel I owe her so much. Each day I realize a little more how she probably felt with the way I acted. I know two things in my marriage; I know that my wife knows I love her more than anything and I show that by my actions. I also know that I am a better man for loving her the way I do.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How much can a human being endure before becoming a total crack pot?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I can endure a lot and I suppose I will endure more, but I don't believe it is making me a crack pot - the opposite actually. I am a much more loving man than I have ever been in my life. our character is shaped through our trials - is it not? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Are you acting the same around her as you did wehn you first met?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I'm acting better than we we first met. I was 19 when we met. I have 21 more years of life under my belt. I know how to treat a lady much better now than I did then.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Could it be that she is not attracted to you anymore because she sees you as a weak person?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wish I could answer this question. I don't believe she sees me as weak though. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Can it be time for Plan B, leave the house, make her leave?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I believe this would destroy any chance of restoring our marriage. We have four kids. I think their lives would be destroyed by doing that. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Life just may be easier without her?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Easier - maybe. Better - no way. Stepping back from my situation, there has been progress. 9 months ago she was ready to leave. She said she would never have sex with me again. She was angry and bitter towards me. Now, she is not angry. She's kind to me. She didn't leave. We make love a couple times a month (and that's after almost a year with no sex). I believe in some ways she is trying in her own way at her own pace. I believe she probably wants to feel passion for me but doesn't. I'm sure her emotions are mixed. <BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I do not mean to offend here but are you the same "man" as when she fell in love. Have you lost your own self respect? and now appear too weak for her to respect?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No offense taken. I believe I'm a better man, one that she always wanted but never got. My self-respect is far above what it was a few months ago. I wish I could answer in regards to how she feels - she won't tell me. Where do you draw the line between weakness and love? Is being a loving man a sign of weakness?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is she the person you really want?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>YES!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Say if she never changes? Will you live like this for the rest of your life?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I don't know. I hope she will change. I hope she will soon see me as someone who never gave up on her. I hope this is just withdrawal she is going through and I need to stick it out. Others have made it. Some of the betraying ladies here give me hope. They "saw the light" so to speak. I have hope. <P>Sheba - how do you do it? You are an inspiration to me. You take so much junk and yet seem to be filled with encouraging words and thoughtful advice. Is your puppy leaving any more surprises on your H's lawn? What is wrong with your husband BTW? If ever a man was blind, it is him - sorry, I hope that came out right. What a gift you are. Thank you for your encouragement.<P>Nlitend - I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope you are ok too. Thank you for your advice. I am leaning towards contacting the OM's wife. Why shouldn't she know? I had hoped he himself would have told her. Timing is critical though. I don't know what kind of damage that would do to the progress I have already made. My wife promised me that she would not engage in any type of physical contact again. So, would I be love busting by contacting the OM'' wife? <P>rik999 - I was kind of hoping you wouldn't read this post. I know your pain is so new. I didn't want to discourage you at all. Please know that I don't regret anything I've done in winning my wife back. I wouldn't change a thing. I have seen progress in our marriage so I still hope for the best. This battle does wear you down. The fight is so long. I just need a little encouragement sometimes to take another step. Thank you for your prayers.<P>TNT - thank you for your prayers and support. I do share my needs with my wife. I want her to start sharing her needs with me. I want to know what she is feeling. I want to help her through this. She feels all has been said. I think the next four months will just be a little tough.<P>Ree - What a wonderful compliment - thank you! Get your husband a little book called "Husband 101" and then you won't have to ask him any more. It is filled with plenty of ideas for him to show you love. So many things are so easy to do. You ladies really don't ask for much. I hope your hubby cherishes you more. Thank you.<P>Sorry this was so long, but I wanted to reply to everyone.<P>SHA

Hi SHA<P>Well I can definetly see how determined you are at keeping this marriage. You definetly see long term potential and are working on it. I have alot of respect for you and I know you will succeed with this attitude.<P>You are definetly a very good person and time will give you happiness. You are an inspiration to all of us here.<P>Thank You<P>

SHA - I continue to admire the way you are able to communicate with your W out of your hurt place (and I know from following your story, that it is a VERY hurt place) rather than allowing it to turn into anger (the way my the hurt my W causes me often does). You really are in touch with the pain your W's affair is causing you, and I think there's a lot of hope in that. You know what you are feeling, why you feel the way you do and can be honest about your feelings. That's very rare, I think. I don't know why that's not enough for your W (or any spouse) but that's her loss if it isn't.<P>On the subject of anger, though, a thought occurred to me while reading your latest installment. You say your W's OM is married and that it doesn't seem like he's told his W about him and your W. Have YOU considered telling his W about his affair with your W? That might shake things up a bit. (If you do decide to do this, do it anonymously, by phone or mail but do tell her who her H is involved with so she can check on this herself.) I mean, this guy has wrecked your marriage, don't you think he desrves to have his own cozy little situation torpedoed in return? Plus, I think after all the pain this guy has put you through, you desrve a little revenge! (Don't hate me for suggesting this!)<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

SHA - A little P.S. Sorry, I didn't read the part of your last post replying to Nlitend carefully enough the 1st time around. Seems you ARE thinking about contacting the OM's W. I would just repeat my suggestion that you do so and not worry about whether it's a "lovebuster" or not. But do do it ANONYMOUSLY. Otherwise you really could open a can of worms. Just contact her by phone or mail (never in person!), tell her you can't say who you are but that you know for a fact that her H and [your wife's full name] are having an affair and you thought she ought to know about it. If there's some way she can verifty this, tell her that too, so she won't think this is just some crank call or letter.<P>--Wex

SHA,<P>Hey first I read what you wrote and felt like crying. Next I wanted to jump on a plane and shake the madness out of you're W's mind for her!!<P>When is she finished with school for good? Is this man a teacher of hers this term?<P>Something that Nlitend said really makes sense to me..<P>"I've wondered whether this was better or worse than letting it run its course. Considering that allowing it to continue only<BR> increased the chances of it deepening, I feel i did the right thing. Does my W resent me for it? Maybe, but that's a product of her warped sense of values, not my problem. My hope is that as she returns to reality she will see my actions in a different light and perhaps as justified. "<P>Nlitend, this happened to me, in a slightly different way though. My H went to see the OM the day after I told him (OM is single). At first I resented this. I can remember thinking..'I could handle telling him myself' 'how dare he treat me like a child and go behind my back' (yeah right, like I hadn't been doing that for months to him) I felt so foolish, but you know what? I WAS FOOLISH. I didn't have the presense of mind or control over myself to end it for sure. I can see that clearly now. My H did what he felt he needed to to protect from further damage, to me, to us, and yes even to himself. <P>'The two become one flesh'. I now see it as one arm reaching over to swat a bug off the other arm on the same body..does that make sense? <P>I want to offer you hope Nlitend that you're wife will indeed see what you did as a help to her. Like that 'tough love' step. I think I would be six times the mess if my H hadn't done that. In a lot of ways I see him as having saved my life. Literally.<P>SHA,<P>Now, I don't know if your situation is the same, if it would work for you or not. To confront the OM, or tell his W. Would this snap your wife into reality? I just don't know...is it that old plan A moving to plan B situation?? Your instinct and prayer would help you decide IF and WHEN there is a time for that...I just wish this terrible hell you are going through would stop. I am so tired for you! take care friend.<P>-janet<p>[This message has been edited by rjr #2 (edited September 09, 1999).]

SHA....How can your wife resist you!! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I could talk to your W and wake her up before it is too late. My H is doing some of the same things you are doing and I am falling head over heels in love with him again. This is after all the pain he caused!! I know you take a lot of the responsibility for W's affair, but she needs to take some responsibility too. Doesn't she realize how many women would love to have the kind of attention she is getting right now!!! She'd better wake up before she loses you. (and from the comments I've seen on this board, there are several women standing in line to snatch you up!!! hehehe)

SHA<BR>Sometimes after the intensity of the fight is over and the tiredness sets in you need to take care of yourself.<BR>Who could blame a person for wanting to take a little after all the giving you've done.<BR> It's Okay for you to feel a little down sometimes. You've worked very hard.<BR>When an affair continues after discovery it can take a lot out of you. Recovery and rebuilding don't have a specific timetable. Closure is hard to get.<BR>I have mentioned to my H that it would be really nice to say "That was the day the affair ended" or "That was the day we started rebuilding". Sometimes things aren't black and white and it's hard to figure out how to get out of the gray. <BR>I just wanted you to know you are in my prayers.

Hi Wex - I haven't seen you around in these parts for a while. I hope you are doing well. Boy does that sound superficial - I doubt any of are really doing well. But, you know what I mean. I'm still pondering what to do. To be honest, I don't know what kind of contact is really going on. Perhaps she is just trying to deal with her emotions of seeing him and being with me. I don't want to cause an emotional uprise if it is not necessary. I really thought I was over any anger towards this guy. I trying to figure out how to deal with that. I hope things are looking up for you. <P>janet - I have been encouraging my W to spend time with other women friends in hope of her maybe getting the message that she does have it good. Is that underhanded? I know some of her friends are having marriage difficulties too and their husbands are not anything like me. I'm sorry for making you tired - I'm tired too. What do they say about diamonds - aren't they created from ordinary stuff put through extremely extraordinary conditions? I guess the Lord is still working on me.<P>Betrayed - There's a line forming somewhere ? - that makes me feel special . I hope she comes to appreciate me a little too. Having never been through withdrawal - it is hard for me to understand what she feels. I think she is just confused right now. I holding on to hope.<P>Wasstubborn - Thank you for your prayers. Months ago I was told this would be the fight of my life to win her back. That is an understandment. This infidelity monster is a tough enemy to slay. Sometimes I think I just need to take a break and sharpen my sword and get the dents out of my shield and head back into battle. I like your thought about getting out of the grey. I think that's where I am right now - in the grey. <BR> <BR>I was listening to a CD while working and thought I would share some of the words from one of the songs. This one really touches me:<P>I get up and battle the day<BR>things don't always go my way<BR>it might rain but that's ok<BR>I get to come home to you<P>Sometimes life may get me down<BR>and I get tired of getting kicked around<BR>I feel lost in this maddening crowd<BR>but, I get to come home to you<P>cause you are my best friend<BR>and you are where my heart is<BR>and I know at the days end<BR>I get to come home to you<P>Thank you all for your support, prayers, and encouragement through this tough battle. <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited September 09, 1999).]

Hi sha, you are great and I do love ya. I know it is small consolation, and certainly not from where you want to hear it. <BR>(((hugs)))

SHA<BR>Hi guy! Well I have been off for a while. Broke my home PC the other day then went to work the next day and busted that one. Got on my daughters PC this afternoon and peeked into the MBF and saw your post at the top of the list. Was glad to see it but not what it says. I’m so sorry. I have been thinking about you and hoping for the best. But you now I was pretty worried this would happen. How could it not? I don’t mean to sound hopeless though. Is anything really any different than you could have predicted? I guess I have a few opinions I’ll share, for what they are worth. On the positive side, your continued behavior just has to be the right way to go. If she ends up leaving you will know what it takes, will know you can do it, and will be a better person. But I still believe she will stay and when this semester is over (hopefully before) and reality sets in she will remember these days and will feel committed and loving for you having done this. We have heard a number of these stories here and that is what I think will happen. Also on the positive side (I’m just envyous) you are being intimate twice a month. To me, that is a sign that nothing is physical with the OM. On the negative side is this second email account that you are passworded out of. I don’t think this is appropriate for a spouse that has no record of any kind of affairs. But for Ws like ours, this is just standing by, knowing what it is being used for. I’d be thinking of some way to eliminate that (assuming it is at home). I don’t know about contacting the Oms W. Ironic, I’m thinking about doing the same thing. But I know she already knows because she paid my W a visit where she works about a month ago. <P>My advise is to set some limits. Let her know there are some. Let her know this can’t go on forever. You may be giving back and hair rubs but all this is tearing you up inside. My W responds very well to me telling her I’m in a lot of pain. Of course I don’t know how genuine her concern is but it makes her warm up some and it makes me feel better for a while. Isn’t there some way you can get her to open up a little? Email? Notes? Last weekend my W and I exchange letters with one another - mine to her, her response, and my response to hers. Seems pretty ridiculous when you think about it but it does accomplish something. And I do agree to some extent with some of what Toronto suggests about appearing week. I guess I’m a believer in doing stuff that works. And if things aren’t working, modify what you are doing. I’m just affraid your W might see you as a man who would put up with this forever. So why should she get serious? She knows it can’t go on forever but just doesn’t see enough justification for ending it. I know I’m impatient and impatience is often not a good course. Just some thinking out loud SHA. You are in a real tough spot. I have it bad but I really think you have it worse than me.<P>As a quick update, things are looking a little better. My W told me the other day a week before she was 85% sure of leaving and as of the other day she was 10 to 15%. She is now reading my Surviving Affair books every night. I told her last weekend she needed to give me a date when she would decide whether she was leaving. She told me 9/30. Since then she has been pretty pleasant. She tells she loves me fairly often. She holds me when we go to sleep. On the down side, she told me the other day that she called the OM last week (I sort of squeezed it out vice her volunteering to tell me like she promised to). I talked to our best (H&W) friends the other day for 2 hours. That helped a little - gave me more confidence. I am scheduled to talk to Harley next Monday night. I have not done any love busting. I think of my model of a H SHA frequently. But I did tell her in my letter the other day that I was no longer going to take the blame for what she does. I also told her I felt she was way underestimating the effect her leaving would have on the girls. Some of this was a little risky but I felt a little better afterwards. I think she felt better too. I told her she needed to make a decision and I defined what it needed to contain. I told her what I wanted it to be but what ever it was it had to come soon. I sure hope I am doing the right thing. I am preparing myself for the worst but am working and living for the best.<P>Keep talking about what you are feeling SHA. People her will talk to you. And, like me, we are all praying for you.<P>Ron<BR>