Well, I decided to do a little bit of cleaning up on my pc. I did some re-reading of things, namely, forwarded emails from H's accounts that I sent to my own when I had the passwords.<P>I just made the concious decision to get rid of it all. I think the thread about the journals is what made my mind up. It's too hard to see it all again, and relive it like it is just happening.<P>I don't want to have the temptation any longer, to write to some of these women, or call them, or whatever. It's only caused havoc in my wanting to work things out with my H.<P>I'm not concerned about having any more 'proof'. I had it. I used it. It's done with. H knows about it, and that was the main point. And I do not intend to do any more snooping. NO way. I only get hurt in the end. <P>One of the things I deleted was a message forum addy that was started up by OW#1 (Kym). She and H used to use it to 'share' their experiences together during their A, for others to read. Pretty sick really. Those posts are long gone now, but I continued to visit the site to see if H was still posting there. He hasn't for almost one month now. One of the greatest things I discovered, as I was reading what was on there for the last time, is that she and her H are moving out of this city!!! It doesn't mention when or where, but by the sounds of it, it is happening. I cannot express how thrilled I was to read that tidbit of news! Whether or not I ask H about that, I'm not sure yet. She is one topic of conversation that we still need to avoid right now.<P>Because H is following a consistant pattern of a serial cheater, it's just too frustrating to use my time and energy on finding out new things. I am still working on my plan A, more for me right now than for the marriage. But I think that's a good thing. <P>Will I regret getting rid of all my proof? For the most part, I don't think so. I'm sure I'll have my days here and there where I'll wish I never got rid of it. But really, why keep it? It only hurts me to see it again. And I feel that it will be a good thing to tell H about. One of those 'actions' towards changing. We'll see. <P>Karen<BR>

Karen, that is a very strong thing to do. And you are right, it will help you more to be rid of it then it would to keep it.<P>Sometimes, you have to face things head on, and sometimes, you have to play ostrich. You know stuff is happening, but the details will only hurt. If you want to do your best Plan A, you're probably making the best move. For you AND your marriage.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Karen, It's funny but I think you get to this stage where the details of the A aren't important anymore. When I first found out, I felt this insatiable hunger for information. Now, the pain of more knowledge is just not worth it. Therefore, I congratulate you on your decision to get rid of the evidence and stop looking for more. I really think it's a sign that you're getting stronger for YOU. Good luck with it. <BR>

I thought I was doing really well. Along with my clean up, I sent an email to H suggesting the various topics which should be kept completely out of our conversations for now. As we all know, certain topics with our SO's just get the blood boiling!<P>Good. I was doing great actually. Then before I head to bed, I decide to check my hotmail one last time for the night. There's a message from H. It turns out to be one of those group mailings that he forwarded to me (a poem about drunk driving). No biggie? WRONG! Along with me, he sent it to 5 OW who he is 'friends' with! So now I have their email addresses all over again. What else do I see? Yet ANOTHER email addy he has created for himself! Can I resist the temptation? NOT A CHANCE!!! I started trying to get his password. It didn't work, and I didn't cover my tracks very well either. I decide to email each of the women that were on the group mailing. All I said in them is: "This is <H's name> wife". <P>I then write him another email telling him that I mucked up again. And begged him not to send me anymore group emails to me. It's just plain cruel. My best description of it all (which I will be putting in my plan B letter) is that I'm addicted to snooping. If I were addicted to alcohol or drugs, would he keep on giving those to me? I doubt it. So in the same respect, he should not be 'tempting' me with the names and email addresses for these OW!! I doubt he'll 'get it'. Even though I asked him prior to this mailout not to do it.<P>The next thing I know, I'm getting a phone call from H. "You'll never change, will you?". Nope. I guess not. He didn't seem to care that he was the one who threw the temptation at me within a few hours of me asking him not to. Of course, "I" am the one at fault here.<P>I'm sick of it. I have to move on to plan B. I've known it for a while, but it's so damn hard to do!! And especially where the kids are concerned. How the heck are we supposed to work on visitation? (the kids are 2 yrs old, and 3 month old twins). <P>Any thoughts?<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>I don't know what to say except that you're in my prayers! It's tough. I've done the exact things you're doing - getting rid of the "trash" and vowing never to snoop again, but I still do it. If my H wasn't such a lying cheating [censored] then I wouldn't have to do these things. Our old MC has asked me to try and give up my detectives badge, but I can't. I am doing much better, but not 100%. I told my H recently that it's exhausting trying to find someone in the world wide web, but I try and sometimes I'm successful.<P>Don't beat yourself up over it! I'm sorry he has that seriel cheater mentality (as does mine)!<P>Good luck to you and your children!<P>God's Blessings!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

<BR>I just wanted to say that you aren't alone. I did some really amazing things to figure out the truth. Even though I wasn't able to save my marriage, I'm very glad I snooped. It saved my sanity.<P>The cognitive dissonance created by looking at evidence and hearing someone you desperately want to believe deny the truth of that evidence can be maddening. I lived like that for literally years. I finally took drastic measures and got the facts. Learning what was really going on as opposed to what I was being told has given me the confidence I needed to trust my feelings. I learned for myself that the dissolution of my marriage was not my fault and that contact never really ceased. While she was blaming me while we were in counseling, she was still communicating with him and denying it.<P>The internet is a wonderful thing. With just a few tidbits of seemingly random information I was able to figure out OM's name, address, and phone #. Everything I needed to know was provided by OM himself. You should have seen my xw's eyes when I told her I knew his name and address. I now know much more than she can imagine. One intersting factoid is that I suspect OM's w lurks here or at least did for a period of time.<P>Someday, I'll get rid of the evidence I collected too. I think that's a healthy step. I'm just not ready to take it yet. I still find it comforting that I have the evidence to confirm my feelings.<P>Good luck.<P>--<BR>o2bsane@hotmail.com<P>