Yesterday was my wedding anniversary, four years. We had a nice dinner at a very expensive restaurant (my H's idea). Although he seemed a little quiet<P>, it seemed that the evening went well overall. And then when we got home and the babysitter left, he dropped the bomb: he's getting his own place.<P>He has rented studio apartment close to his job in the city (he currently commutes an hour to work). He says he plans to stay there three nights a week, that he needs some time to think about what he wants and to be alone. (For those of you who don't know, since I havent' posted in awhile, I am the wayward spouse).<P>He says he will spend weekends and the remaining two worknights at home with me an our son. I don't know what to make of this. I didn't even think we could afford it, but he says with his recent raise he can afford this small apt and keep paying the regular bills at home. I work only part-time since our son was born two and a half years ago.<P>I am so devastated adn confused, I don't know what to think, which way to go. He says he can never imagine trusting me again. I have given up the OM and have repeatedly professed to him my love, regret and willingness to to whatever it takes to make the marriage work and be happy again.<P>It has been about 5 weeks since he discovered my affair, and for the first three he seemed to be trying, and now he just seems cold and unconcerned about me or our son or keeping our family together. At first he admitted that he "encouraged" my affair by not responding to my need for affection/lovemaking,<BR> and telling me he was not physically attracted to me anymore.<P>Now he just wants to get moved in to this apt. and be alone. He says he wants to get away from me for awile. He does not hold much (if any) hope that we will be together again, as he says he can't ever trust me again. However i did just give him a copy of Surviving an Affair, which he has agreed to read completely.<P>My question: should I fight his getting this apt., or should I just let him go and hope for the best? It seems like many of the BS's posting here are trying hard to get their spouse back and make the marriage work. My husband seems completely unconcerned. All he can see or think of is that I have been intimate with another man. Although we used to get along great at one time, and make each other happy, all he sees now is the bad. Just please tell me what to do, some of you—all of you. How can I prove myself to him if he runs away?! <P>I feel like my life is over, this is the worst I've ever been though, PLEASE tell me what's the best think to do? I just want him to see that I can be different. He won't give me the chance. i just want to die, it feels like such a horrible tragedy. <P>Please tell me what you think!

Welcome <B>calla30</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Some people say that a "single solution" can't fit all cases...<BR>...<B>it can</B>!<P>There are no guarantees of saving <B>any</B> marriage...<BR>...but start on the <I>right</I> path!<P>No you can't stop him from moving out...<BR>...but you can meet as many of his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> as possible...<BR>...and do it fervently!<P>No you can't stop him from moving out...<BR>...but you can make his time home safe...<BR>...by eliminating <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!<P>Do these as best you can before he moves out...<BR>...and even afterwards... whenever he comes 'home'... do it more!<P>Make sure you see it as a focusing on you!<BR>Do check out my reply in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000766.html" TARGET=_blank>confused about plan a-ing</A> post.<P>You too have my prayers.<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hi Calla:<P>The mere timing of this announcement looks a little suspicious to me...On Your Anniversary!!! Almost looks as if he picked a time that he knew would be the most hurtful for you.<P>Having said this I really want to tell you that men usually have a more difficult time dealing with a physical affair then women do...and I think that at 5 weeks your H has had a bounce back effect of the affair...at first he was in shock and too numb to know what to do...now he is reeling from the pain and just wants to get away from it...for a while. And you may not have any say in this...and just have to let him do it. But you can stay here at MB and find out more about affairs and their causes and begin to Plan A your H during the time he is home. I think with consistent demonstrations of remorse for the affair, willingness to change or work on the marriage and total commitment to the marriage, he will eventually find his way back to you.<P>You are way ahead of most of us in having realized your mistake and being willing to begin the work of restoring you marriage...soon he will realize that as well.<P>Faye

I agree with Buffy that many men find a physical affair<BR>from their wife extremely difficult to get over. It does seem that he picked your anniversary to give you the pain<BR>that he is suffering from. I apologize if I misinterpret your message but it seems like the affair was not such a<BR>big deal to you. You said you were sorry and now expect<BR>him to move on past it and be loving toward you. <BR>Clearly your husband is in great pain. Do you think in 5 weeks you would have gotten past the fact that your husband was having sex with another woman so quickly? Another really<BR>huge problem is that you did not confess to him but rather<BR>he had to discover it by himself and catch you lying and cheating. Why should he believe and trust you now? It just<BR>seems that you have taken his pain too lightly and expect too much too soon. Ask your self what you would want him to do if the roles were reversed. Good Luck.