How real is the need for physical attractiveness??? The Harleys identify the need for an attractive spouse as one of the ten basic emotional needs. But does that mean that it's normal for my H's attraction to me/desire to have sex with me depend on my weight?<P>My husband admitted that one of the reasons (perhaps the MAIN reasaon, I suspect) that he lost his sex drive and desire to be affectionate to me is because I've gained weight.<P>When we first began dating 7 years ago, I was a size 8. Time, having a baby, and developing a severe thyroid problem have taken their toll on me. I got up to a size 14. Now, medication controlls my thyroid, and I have been running/walking for the last six months. I have lost 16 pounds, and gone down nearly two sizes, enough that I am beginnign to fit into size 10 again.<P>I feel great about the weight loss. It hasn't done me any good as far as my H goes, because since he found out about my A (last month) he doesn't even come close to me. I am trying hard to reconcile. right now he is resisting all my attempts.<P>Is a need for an attractive spouse healthy? At least, is it healthy if it actually decreases your love/desire for your spouse because of their apearance changes? In the years we've been together, I've watched my H go back and forth between 3 pants sizes, and it has never affected my desire for him. Maybe it would if he became grossly overweight, but that has never happened.<P>I just find myself feeling hurt, resentful and frightened about this. If I ever do get back to a size 8, and he starts wanting me again, will I even want HIM? As much as I do love my H and want things to work, I feel scared. If I continue to lose weight and develop an even more shapely figure, will I become a slave to the bathroom scales, afraid to gain 2 pounds because my H will stop loving me???<P>To me, it seems shallow to base so much of your love and affection on how someone looks. I am sometimes intimidated by the fact that severl of my H's "old girlfriends" were actually models. Although I've been told i'm pretty, attractive, etc., I want MY HUSBAND to feel that way. He actually said that one reason he doesn't cuddle/snuggle up to me on the couch is because I'm not skinny anymore. <P>Is he being selfish, or is his need for me to be a certain size a legitimate thing? I do feel better about myself and my appearance now since losing weight, but I feel that it's unfair to not love me when I gain a few pounds. I am really struggling with this. <P>Please, Please, guys and gals, please tell your opinions and thoughts!<P>Please please help me...I need to know if my H is being legit with me or not...

I think that since men tend to be very visual creatures, the need for an attractive spouse is quite common among men. However, that doesn't mean it ain't shallow!<P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Physical attractiveness doesn't necessarily mean what size you fit into. Of course, this is coming from a woman who could still lose more! LOL.<P>Seriously though, I can speak from my H's point of view, in that he's one who doesn't care as much about what's on the outside as what's on the inside.<P>Although H is the WS, he has told me that he doesn't find me attractive either. But he's talking on an emotional standpoint. Now that I can finally see what he is referring to, I can make the necessary changes, and am doing so.<P>You obviously know your H better than any of us ever will. Do you really think that physical size matters to him? Or could it be an all round thing?<P>Karen<BR>

Calla,<P>I think it is an excuse. WS need in their own minds justify their reasons for having an A. Most of Us W are much more attractive than the OW...inside and OUT. I really believe it is something they lack inside. I think I man when a woman starts telling them "how wonderful" they are, and how "good" they look etc.. gets a major ego boost...which makes them want to listen to more of what this woman is saying...now if they have a good strong image they will thank them and move on ..but if they are insecure...well you see were I am going with it.<P>In my case...my nic-name is "barbie"...The OW in my situation was not attractive at all..But she was flattering to my H...<BR>What I would recommend is throw away the scale ( I hate them) I dont weight myself, it is how I look and feel in clothes...I had the opposite problem, and trust me the grass is not greener on the thinner side. By getting rid of the scale, and seeing a nutritionist I was able to go from a size 0 to a 2...and trust me I look much better... I would make an appt with a nutritionist (they are not too expensive), and follow a healthy eating regime...and dont worry about what Hubby thinks....as soon as you start feeling better about you..it will radiate and trust me hubby will notice the new confident you...give it time<BR>It does take time. take care...and worry about YOU, and how you feel...I bet you look great<BR>