After over 20 years of marriage, I found out that my husband has been having a sexual relationship with a man for over 10 years. He wants us to stay together, but he also wants to remain friends (platonic) with HIM. I told him to choose. He still contacts the guy (doesn't yet know that I know). Has anyone known of a situation like this that has worked out? Also, should I tell the other guy's wife? <P>------------------<BR>fighting spirit

I haven't heard of any situations like yours , but I am sure you are not the first to go through this. I don't see what good it would do you or his wife for you to tell her anything at this point.<P>

FS - are you absolutely sure?<P>There is another poster here with the opposite situation, the other man is a woman. I expect he'll spot your post and respond.<P>The question of telling the other guy's wife needs careful scrutiny. You need to tell us more. Even then, there will be no consensus. I recommend you contact a professional counselor before you do much else.<P>WAT

I have contacted a counselor about the situation, although not about contacting the wife. I wouldn't even consider telling her, except that they are 20 years younger than us and she could start over, or make changes, that I didn't have the opportunity to make when I was younger, because I didn't know about the relationship. One thing that makes all of this so hard for me is that I found out by finding a "diary" in which my husband wrote all the details of every meeting they had. There is no question about guilt.

Aside from any other issues, if there is any sexual activity, or likelihood of any, EVERYBODY should absolutely know (and immediate testing be done)!!!!! The chance of disease in a normal affair is bad enough, but the chance of AIDS from homosexual activities is far higher (because of promiscuity on the part of the participants), and death is not an acceptable outcome for the BS (or you). Tell her NOW. Frankly, IMO homosexuality is also a marriage breaker, far more serious than a heteorsexual affair, I would not reconcille (or even attempt to reconcille) for any reason. I would divorce immediately, and pick up the pieces of my life.

Fighting Spirit,<P>I dated a man years ago who wanted to marry me. Luckily I thought things were moving too fast and stonewalled, because I then found out he had a boyfriend, and this relationship had been going on for nearly 10 years, and still was.<P>He lied to me from the start, because he wanted this relationship, with this other man, but also wanted the normalcy, acceptance, security of a home and family. He married another girl within months of our breakup. I still feel for this girl.<P>No advise, just wanted to let you know that this sort of thing is out there with others too, although my situation doesn't compare to yours of course. You will be in my thoughts, "there but for the grace of God..."<P>Juanita

Thanks for your replies. I have been tested. Did that first thing. Everything is ok. I wanted to clarify something from my original post. My husband, and his friend, both know that I know about the relationship. My husband doesn't know that I know he is still contacting the guy even though he said he wouldn't. The guy lives 200 miles away, so they can't just get together on spur of the moment. All contact has been computer or phone since I found out.

my goodness....my heart goes out to you! <P>When there is an heterosexual affair....the betrayed often thinks.....what does she have that i dont?? what did she do to attract him that i couldnt?? HOW could he say....."she always listened" when i always listened..???<P>but when it is of the same sex....??how do you compare?? how can you think how you could have done this or that to prevent this kind of thing happening?<P>IN MY OPINION... homosexuality is a sick position to be in. People who experiment in homosexuality...are suicidal..depressed....obviously NOT happy with their current life style.....despite their actions to "convince" otehrs that is it natural.<P>Whether your husband is physically ahveint sex with his partner....or cyber sex or phone sex....it all constitutes the same thing. **AFFAIR***. By phone and computer it is more emotional... and still as damaging.<P>I know that that is one area i wouldnt ever consider reconsilitaion. Id make him choose....id make him aware you know everything...call him on the carpet forall his actions...as long as he knows, YOU know...it will makeit harder for him to continue in this affair.<P>Teh wife has the right to know. ( IN MY OPINION) she has the right to know because.....your hsuband may NOT be the first.....and will probably NOT be the last. How fair would it be to her to go to the dr for a normal every year pap adn find she is HIV positive??? NOT!<P>good luck,<BR>mercy

Thanks for your concern. I did not mean to imply that my husband's contact with his friend is of a sexual nature. At this time, it is not. I did find some e-mails about a year and a half ago that were. I just resent that he is contacting this man at all after promising not to.