I'm had a really bad night last night and need some of you to give me a boost again!<P>My WH came over to see me because he wants to divide the money up in some of our joint accounts and put them in separate accounts. I didn't want to, but there's not much I can do about it - and at least it means that 'my half' is safe. However I was advised to write him a letter stating that I was agreeing to his proposals 'without prejudice', which I did - but it was a LB for him and he got a bit annoyed with me again. <P>Anyway, things went from bad to worse and I told him that I was really upset that he wasn't giving me the support he had promised re: the abortion - as he got into his car he told me that he just thought the things I was doing to grieve for my baby were 'creepy' (like naming him and lighting candles for him). Well, of course this upset me a great deal and I was soon in floods of tears again.<P>I got so overwraught that I ended up calling him and sobbed my heart and feelings out over the telephone to him. I told him that I would do anything just to have him back and that I couldn't imagine life without him, that I loved him deeply and that I would wait for him as long it takes. <P>He told me that he was certain that he and the OW were 'meant to be' and although she was still with her husband at the moment, that things might well change over the next 2-3 weeks and that he was absolutely determined to do everything possible to make their relationship work. He said that he just wants me to get on with my own life and doesn't want me to wait for him. Apparently he feels a 'connection' with the OW that he hasn't felt with me for a long time. This has a lot to do with communication - he says that he can really open out to her and talk to her, which is something that he finds extremely hard to do with anyone else, even his own family. I said that communication was a 2-way process and that it was something I had deeply missed in our relationship too - the fact that he never made any attempt to really talk to me. I told him that this was something that could be worked on and resolved, but he is not willing to even try. He asked me what he could say or do to 'put me off' and I replied 'nothing, I need to wait for you to give myself the peace of mind that I did everything possible to save our marriage, otherwise I could never forgive myself'. <BR>I told him that I KNEW he still loved me, and he said that of course he cares about me, but he loves me like a sister now, and not in the same way as he loves the OW. He said that it wasn't fair of me to plead with him to come back to me, because he knows that if he does he will be 'living a lie' and be committing himself to a lifetime of misery. However, at the same time I did notice that he never once said that he would never come back - only that he didn't think he would.<P>I know that all this is common 'alien-speak' among WH's, but I just need a bit of encouragement and some hugs to keep me going. I think my husband wants to go to Plan B as he said that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other as everytime he comes over it upsets me too much. I don't know - I do know that 'communication' is the single most important EN for him and that he is still getting that from the OW, and I can hardly compete with her for that, let alone if I go to Plan B. Ideas anyone?<P>hugs, a puffy-red-eyed-exhausted Paint.<BR>

Paintbox,<BR>I know you are devastated and I will be praying for you. You are in a very lonely and vulneralble position right now. I hope you have a friend to spend some time with today. I don't want to add to your depression, but I really think that you need to contact a lawyer asap. It sounds as though your husband is taking control of all financial dealings and you need someone to help you make decisions. Please don't let your desire to stay with your husband cause you to give in to something that could jeopardize your future security. May God send peace to you today.

Oh Paint you pain just jumps off the screen. Been there done that whole horrible conversation. H has moved to a different state and has told me to move on with my life. Oh, and I'm a parasite!<P>Hang in there Paint! Sending you some extra strength and prayers.<P>((((((((((Paintbox)))))))))<P>K

Paint, I'm so sorry for your pain. Your H sounds a lot like mine. For a while all he did was talk about D & dividing up our property. He kept telling me I had to move out, but I refused. Initially I was the WS, now he is. I insisted that we'd been together too long & couldn't throw that away. I said he was worth fighting for & I'd wait for him. He's finally coming around & realizing that although the last few years have been rocky, we did have a lot of good years together.<P>Is there any way you can hang on just a little longer? You say things may change for OW & her H in a few weeks. What if they don't? During my A, I thought it would be so easy to pick up & leave my H, but that was the fog talking. I tried to go away alone for a weekend to think, but couldn't even do that. What if OW decides to stay with her H? Or what if she can't make a decision one way or another? He may start to come out of the fog & see OW doesn't love him. You've said you love him so much, you'll wait for him. He may realize what a fool he's been & return to you.<P>Communication is our problem too. Now I try to hang on his every word. I ask about work, his car, hunting, things he's interested in. I ask him to explain them to me & he seems happy to do so. I don't know if his OW wants to hear him talk about these interests, but I do. Do you know much about his OW?<P>I know it's hard! I've wanted to give up many times. Try to be strong & I'll be praying for you.<P>Hugs, Berry

Just a note to say 'thankyou for helping me get through another day'. It was tough last night, and this morning I felt devastated - to be honest, I was feeling suicidal again - and I know that's not the answer! I keep telling myself I'm strong and that I've got to hang in there for the sake of the children, and my own peace of mind. Grab hold of every little, tiny, positive thing he says and keep them foremost in my mind - and wipe out the bad things.<P>Thanks again - your words of support and comfort are so very valuable, and they are treasured.<P>Hugs, Paint

Hi Painbox:<P>The most important thing I have learned during dealing with seveal years of my WH's on and off A with OW is that things can and do change in WS/OW relationship and what is said today may not be the reality tomorrow.<P>I think it is a general rule that while the A is still ongoing it perhaps is best not to try and discuss with the WH about how he feel about you or the OW...he is entirely too confused...and when when pressed he will usually give you the old "she's my soulmate" speech to indicate how special the relationship is....please know that this is not the way it will be forever. <P>This is why it is recommended that you concentrate on yourself right now...because to try and reason or teach WH right now is futile and usually is a LB for him. So try and use your time more productively by working on yourself and letting your WH deal with his own problems. You may not believe this but this is more self affirming for you then anything conversation you may have with a "foggy" brained WH right how.<P>Take back the power...he is only able to hurt you if you let him.<P>Faye<BR>

Dear Paintbox,<P>Almost down to the last detail, you could be writing my story...split the assets, ow is the soulmate, H does't want to try (my biggest complaint), to I (me) can not release until I have made every attempt to save this marriage. My story too.<P>Please, remember that all the guilt you may feel, God has promised to forgive. It is perhaps the only way you can forgive yourself. My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers. I lost my 18 year old son ... but God was there and is always here for me. My life could not continue without that knowledge.<P>You probably feel a lot of resentment for your spouse. He may be suffering also but will not acknowlege or perhaps doesn"t even know why. If nothing else, a confrontation may be the best for both of you.<P>My love, support and prayers are with you. JS<P>