Ok, so my controlling nature is coming out in full swing now. But I can't avoid it. I have been working on plan A for a few months now (only very good for most of May). However, Plan A is near impossible when dealing with a serial cheater. What I am faced with changes from day to day, and I cannot take that any longer.<P>I have learned and owned up to what my responsibilities are/were in the marriage breakdown. I am doing something about it too. It's a slow process, but just as we cannot expect our WS to change overnight, nor can we expect ourselves to do the same.<P>I have come to the realization that it is H that is bringing out the worst in me, and for that reason, in order for me to 'fix' myself, I am in plan B. Yes, you can argue that it's me that brings out the worst in me, and to some degree you are very right. I cannot blame H for my actions, but part of fixing a problem is to be rid of the cause, right? Just as the WS cannot work on the marriage while the OP is in the picture, nor can I work on me while H is still around.<P>I have written a mini plan B letter to him already, and emailed it to him this morning. I will do another, longer version, which I will send to him in the first week of June.<P>I have just grown too tired and too frustrated to deal with H and his wishy washy, teeter-tottering, back and forth "FOG". AUGH! Call it what you will, but I just call it bloody annoying! I have very little patience for anyone who just 'doesn't know what they want'. I can understand it at first. I went through the same thing. But for heaven's sake! We've been separated for 4 months now, and H hasn't come close to even 'trying' to sort things through. He is far too interested in his 'new friends'.<P>Am I venting? Of course! I love this place for being able to do that. And if I don't do it here, it'll only come out in angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, and selfish demands all the more to H. And I've done enough of that already.<P>There is no more waiting for him to decide when and where he will be here to visit with the kids. Kids need consistency (especially at such young ages as mine are). I am not going to put them through the ups and downs of 'daddy doensn't know, and daddy MIGHT be here, etc'. H has had 4 months to come up with a regular schedule, and has failed to do that. My foot is down, he has been given the days he may take the kids for visitations, and that's that. Until a court can decide for him, I have. <P>Have I let this anger out towards H regarding this whole mess? No. Believe it or not, I was able to talk calmly and rationally to him. How he perceived it, is not my problem now. I have to do what is best for me and my kids. And dealing with his shannanigans (sp?), is NOT accomplishing that.<P>WHEW!! I feel much better now. The game is over. There is no winner, but that doesn't matter. It's the strategy during play that counts.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Karen,<P>You sound in better spirits. This is good. This whole thing appears to be a game (especially to the OP & WS - totally juvenile). In reality it is not. It is dangerous to play out ones life as a game. Certain consequences may not offer a chance to start over again. <P>For me, taking control of my life was important in my personal healing. Because I pictured myself as mother walking in a dark room with my child clutched in my arms, not being able to see where I was going, I fought hard to find the light and work my way out of their A maze. <P>That is control, I no longer chose to play their 'game'. What I 'won' was what was rightly mine anyway, my dignity and self respect. It was not for them to have and play with, it belongs to me and they (WS & OP) had not right to it, it was not to be part of their game. <P>I hope this brings a bit of relief for you. Then you will be able to think more clear and make better decisions. You brought up a good point about not being able to take care of yourself as long and as your H was involved with the Ow. <BR>You are so right. <P>Even now the contact between my H and OW has not completely ceased. I can not assume that it will. I can show and enforce what I stand for and if H does not want to go along, he knows where he can go. This does not relieve him from any obligation rather he just carries that obligation with him elsewhere. The WS need to see that there is no relief or benefit from their running away. Otherwise, we should do it to? Would you like to continue paying the price for someonelse's mistakes? I think not. <P>Be strong and take care,<P>L.<P>

Orchid,<P>The sad part is, it is only H who is playing the game here. To the best of my knowledge, the other womEn don't know what has really transpired. I have wanted to protect them, must be my 'mothering' instincts. That's why I made those calls when I snooped and got that list of names and numbers last week.<P>He is playing the game with me and them. And my part is over with. He is telling them lies, just as he is to me. And it's about time he start the process of living with them. For example, he has left these women under the impression that he and I have been separated since last April (in reality, it has only been since Feb 6th), he has told them that we only got back together after our son Andrew passed away in Sept, and that he misses his kids so much, especially the twins (born in Feb.). Do the math. The twins were born in Feb, which makes conception in June or July (it was actually July, they were born at 8 months gestation). If these women are too DUMB to do such simple mathematics, then he can have them! The sad part is, H hasn't even figured out the math problem either. Am I going to tell him? Nah. I've got other problems to work out.<P>I will not fully start my Plan B until early June. There are a few things that need to be done first. For example, it is Eric's 2nd birthday on Tuesday, and plans were already made for H to come here after work for cake. He was supposed to take that day off to spend it with all the boys and I, but, oops! he forgot!! Damn fog! Whatever!<P>Tomorrow is one of the visitation days set up. It has been that way for a few weeks now. I called him this afternoon, and told him that there is of course no problem for him to take the kids out, especially Eric. However, he cannot stay here. "But what if it's raining?" he said. My answer, "That's not my problem. You can bring him to your new place. If it's not safe enough for him there yet, then you'll figure something out". By the way, there's a 70% chance of heavy rains and thunderstorms tomorrow. I haven't yet figured out how we will work on the visitations with the twins yet. But I'm sure I'll come up with something that works for ME.<P>So yes, I am feeling much better and stronger about myself. I have already accepted the fact that H will consider all of my moves right now to be direct assaults on him. I don't think so. As it is mentioned, plan B is a good taste of what divorce will be like. And if he doesn't like it, then that might just get his butt in gear to realize that it's worthwhile to work on our marriage together, and do whatever it takes.<P>Karen<BR>

Hi Karen,<P>Wow, you sure have it hard with so many little ones. But your H needs to know what resposibility is. Just because he is 'trying' to leave you does not mean his responsibility to his family and his obligations lessen. <P>I have concluded that those in the fog get a little damp in the head so that their internal calculator (point of reasoning) is lost. That is why they don't add things up so well. Hm...... Your comments just added more points to my theory. <P>Yes, you have to be ready for whatever they do. H was in that classic fog and it was all my fault. I told him if that what he 'chooses' to think that was up to him. The fact that the rest of 'reasonable and logical world' sees it different than he and OW and thinks he is a jerk is their business....... Another hm..... You see out there they do worry what others think. Not what the BS's think just others. So I used that piece of their illogical thinking against them. Worked for me. <P>See people in the A don't want you to be illogical with them, it throws off their 'illogic'. They want to be able to tell how you will react. I think some plan and even rehearse how to mentally 'beat us up' with their stupid comebacks. <P>So my dear friend and busy mom, hang in there and keep coming out fighting. You are doing good. I am proud of your progress. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Topie,<P>I have nothing poetic to say...had one of those crazy days.<P>but YOU GO GIRL!!!! It feels good to get some of yourself back in all this, doesnt it?....stay strong (((huggs))) MC<P>

Hi Topie:<P>You go girl!!! <P>Take back what is yours...the right to a life...unencumbered by a WH who can't decide what he wants out of life...life goes on...it won't wait forever for someone to decide whether it's what they want or not....in time you just have to pick up the picks and go on...for yourself, your children and your future. <P>And in a way I think the decision to go on with our life can be a impetus for WH to make decisions in their lifes as well...either way anything is better then perpetuately staying in limbo...which is usually where the WH would like to keep us because it keeps us "on ice" so to speak and allows them to more or less continue with their games for a little while longer. Take away some of their options and see what happens.<P>I'll bet you'll be seeing that "deer in the highlisht' look in your WH's eyes before too long <P>Faye<BR><p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited May 27, 2001).]