It seems like for years in our marriage I found myself thinking, (especially when I heard about other people's WS) with all that wrong with this marriage...at least he hasn't done that. Then he did. Now on top of that, he's done what I see as the other impossible to live with thing...attacking me physically. He's actually done this twice now since he was caught in Jan. I did a really good job of forgeting, excusing, explaining, burying the first time back in Feb. But, what he did Sat. morning was so much worse. <P>It's killing me to imagine that I was getting so hopeful, then he'd do that to me. I keep picturing the same hand that made love to me Thursday morning, hitting me over and over 2 days later. When I tried to run away from him, he shoved me down and dislocated my shoulder. He called his sister to come and help get me up and to a Dr. When I sat up it popped back into place. I'd be hard pressed to find 2 inches of my body that does feel sore/aching/bruised. <P>Well, now I've got one more thing to add to my list of things that I'll be better able to understand. In the past, I wouldn't have understood how a woman could have someone treat her like that and not report it to the police, how she could still love the person who did that to her. Now, I understand. But, I think I'm pretty stupid too.<P>When he saw he'd really hurt me, he was full of remorse. Offered to go to my pastor right then and get remarried (this was symbolism I guess, we've done nothing legally to be unmarried), go away for the weekend and come back and live like a family again (he hasn't been living with me since D-day at my request). <P>He has been especially angry because I interferred with his and the OW's jobs to the point that they were both transfered. He couldn't believe I would attack them professionally. All I saw was I had to do someting (since they wouldn't) to get them away from each other day in and day out. After beating me up, he says "I've lost my resentment over that," " I now understand how/why you did what you did." etc. <P>I've told him that I just want out. Stay away and leave me alone. I cannot live with a man I'd be afraid of. I can't chance my daughter losing her mother next time you lose it. <BR>He won't give up. He wants us to go talk to our pastor (H rarely goes to church with d and I). I told him there was no point if it was to get me to keep him. He says we've got to talk it out. I said all I'd have to say was that not only could I never trust him not to be unfaithful again, but I couldn't trust him not to hurt me physically again. He still wants us to go...he went to our pastor and we have an appt. Wed. night. <P>I hurt, I don't have the energy to do what I feel like I have to, I've still got a job to do (at least I've got until Tues.), a d to take care of...OH GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! And, I feel so ashamed, I don't want anyone to know he did this to me. <P>I feel like my only chance of resisting him is to get away, but it requires so much energy, I must not have enough faith because I can't find God's will or strength in this.<P>G.<P>

Dear GAJ, My heart goes out to you--NO, you are NOT stupid, you are like so many women, myself included, who want to believe the best about someone even when they have shown they are dangerously not in control of their actions. The A is one example, physical abuse is another, and with even more serious consequences. I logged on just now to vent about my awful experiences today, and then I saw your post and had to respond, but physical abuse is among my problems, too. Like you, I hesitated to tell even those close friends who know about my H's A about the physical violence, because first, it seems so embarrassing--"how could someone like me be putting up with it??"--and second, I didn't want people to tell me I had to leave him because of it. Well, let me tell you, one friend I did talk to surprised me by telling me of a first marriage I didn't even know about and how she finally escaped by secreting arranging for her parents to arrive at a time when she knew her H had only two bullets in the gun he had started carrying and couldn't risk killing two people and leaving the third as a witness. That is how bad it can get, and this lady is a very intelligent, together woman, who runs an international organization, jets around the world, etc...so you see, it can happen to any of us. My God, I am crying as I write this because I know exactly how you feel--I still love my H, though he continues to lie to me, to humiliate me publically, and yes, to get physically violent at times. In the past, I always thought it wasn't really bad, because it was mostly grabbing or pinning my arms or blocking my way out of a room and I figured I could take care of myself if it ever turned really dangerous. Well, after D-day, and as he has been struggling with the mess he's made of his life (our story is elsewhere if you'd care to see it, H is professor who has had--or make that, is having--an A with one of his students, we have a joint project that complicates things...), he has been MUCH more prone to violence, and now it has been getting scary, because sometimes I think I may not be able to defend myself, or that in order to defend myself, I would have to use excessive force to escape and flee. He has started to strangle me twice, hit me in the stomach with a bag once, kicked me in the stomach once, punched my upper arm twice very hard in the same spot, etc. I think that counts as "real" abuse, and yet I still don't know what to do. I did call 911 once when we were in the States (when he started jabbing a kitchen knife into the kitchen counter) and their arrival embarrassed me, but woke him up a bit. I don't know where you live, but almost every community has some sort of support for women (and children) in situations of domestic violence, and these are usually excellent and free. I urge you to get in touch with one---they won't force you to leave your home, but they will track your call and watch out for you, as well as offer you a place to stay if you ever need to leave suddenly. Please do that, and please think of the safety of yourself and your daughter before all else. We have to know our H's are resorting to this because they feel they have lost control of their lives and consequently, their actions--and we have to protect ourselves. I can't offer much solace in terms of faith, because I am feeling particularly hopeless too today, but I know many good people on this MB have been through experiences at least in part like ours and have maintained their faith and have come through in the end. I'll pray for you, too--maybe we will both find strength and peace before too long. octavia99

You situation has crossed the line. If he hurt you as badly as you describe here, then your life is in danger. It is only going to excalate from here.<P>Sorry but I've been in this situation before. (not with my current H). I hvae not read your other postings. But I'll bet that your H has been emotionally and verbally abusive of you for quite some time. Physical abuse only the next step in this abusive cycle. <P>GET OUT NOW.<P>Z

GAJ,<P>Hmmmm..I'm not gonna tell you to leave. You'll have to decide for yourself when and if you're ready to go. <P>I lived with a physically abusive husband for 10 1/2 years. He started beating me 2 months after we got married (I was 8 months pregnant). It was a weekly if not daily occurrance. And I never told anyone. I was quite lucky. I was never severely hurt. I received black eyes, bloody noses and lips, my hair pulled out, my head put thru the wall, and numerous bruises. All in the name of love. <P>My ex also apologized every time. He swore that it would never happen again. And I believed him. It always happened again and again.<P>I know in my heart that if my ex had not been the one to leave, I would still be in that situation. I didn't have the courage to leave. God only knows how bad it would have gotten.<P>Think about all that has happened to you, me and so many others, and decide if that's the type of environment your children need to be in. My 3 sons saw so much and are suffering the after-effects of it. They are very angry and aggressive. I'm hoping that being without their dad will change that.<P>Lots of luck to you!<BR>Mitzi

Well I am not going to be as nice as everyone. THERE IS NO EXCUSE...NONE WHAT SO EVER to be abusive like that...<P>Here is my take on his remorse..and trust me it is harsh...<BR>You can put this man in JAIL..how is that for professional distruction?? so his response...show alot of remorse, tell her you understand, call MY SISTER (notice not yours or your family...maybe a best friend)make her quite about it...tell her lets go to the pastor..remarry (shows committment...where was that BEFORE the beating?) what a manipulator...he cheats, lies and beats you up?? I also cant tell you what to do...but if you stay you are teaching your sons to be abusers, and your daughters to take abuse from their future boyfriend-husband...that is it in a nut shell...he needs serious counseling, and you were right to say you did not want to see if the next beating if you would survive...In my former profession I saw alot of this..and it infurated me...but the women always told me I cant judge unless I walked in their shoes...and they are right...BUT I told them...is this what you want your children to endure??? because they will..if they continue to live this life...sorry my opinion is so harsh...I just hate when I hear stuff like this...Take care of YOU...((huggs)) MC

It seems that the others here are taking offense to my statement that you need to "GET OUT NOW". I feel that from my own experiences I have to be that clear and straight forward about it.<P>MyCross is right that "THERE IS NO EXCUSE...NONE WHAT SO EVER to be abusive like that..." and everything else said.<P>The way you describe the beating it was not minor. What's next? Broken bones, maybe a broken skull? I recall that in Dr. Harley's books he says that if there is ANY physical abuse you must leave. Perhaps you would benefit from a counseling session with him or his staff. There is nothing in the MB philosophy that suggests a person should put themselves or their children in danger to save a marriage.<P>Let me tell you why I am so adamant about this. In my first marriage my husband Bob was physically abusive. I was in my early 20's and did not know enough to know that I had to tell someone. Of course it started out slowly, but each time it got worse. I was often sore and bruised for days after one of the attacks. But I LOVED him and he apologized and said he'd never do it again each time. The last time he not only beat me but also then decided he needed to teach me a lesson. Cornered me in the bathroom and started sharpening a straight razor... no he was not going to shave. I am convinced that the only reason I got out of there alive is that is cousin Jim rang out door bell. Bob was distracted just long enough for me to get by him. I let Jim in. Gave him the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek telling him "Jim you will never know how glad I am to see you." I ran the several miles to my mother’s house. That was the last time I was ever in Bob's presence alone. I filed for divorce.<P>So you can see why I have strong feelings about this. You might say "Yes but my situation isn't THAT bad." Well I did not think mine was either until I saw the look in his eyes and that razor. I am lucky to be alive.<P>I under stand that numb state a person falls into when the abuse happens. I understand why you say you do not have the energy to deal with this, to call the cops, to leave. So please call someone who can help you. This person may very well be someone at a woman's shelter. Do not let your chilren learn that this acceptable behavior.<P>Z<BR>

Zorweb and MyCross,<P>I definately don't take offense to your seemingly harsh statements. I whole-heartedly agree with you. But GAJ or any other woman who is in this situation will not leave until they are ready. I know it is awful that we can't just go in and rescue people, but that's how it is. <P>I also knew I needed to leave, and I also knew that things were getting worse and worse. But that still didn't make it sink in. And I know if someone told me I needed to leave, I would have made up many excuses why I needed to stay.<P>You are definately right!<P>Mitzi <P>

I can not tell you what to do. I can tell you this...my H had never laid a hand on me until the discovery of his affair...suddenly he became very violent and physically abusive...why...I was getting too close to what REALLY happened in his affair. He was terrified of admittting to things and feelings and would rather beat the knockers out of me than let the honesty flow.<BR>Documnet what has happened in as much detail as you can...please.<BR>I can say, now that H has been honest, he has never raised a hand to me again.

I understand fully with how you feel. My husband used tu physically abuse me also . I have been punched,thrown,choked,kicked,dragged,stomped,and whatever else known by him. Yes I was also pregnant.<BR> The only reason I stuck around this long is because I have been going through some form of abuse since I was 4yrs. old. My own mom has physically abused me also while I was pregnant.I don't trust noone and wouldn't put it past noone that they wouldn't abuse you.<BR>As I was saying: I hve nowhere to go and when I went to a battered woman's shelter they did nothing. Absolutely nothing and I had to return home because you only get two weeks to find an alternate place to go. Thay are suppose to help you but they don't so I felt like I was back where I started and I was.<BR>My advice to you is to let God handle him and when your ready to leave your situation you will well know it. No matter how much people tell you to leave. pray about it and ask God for guidance and he will answer. I will pray for you and I wish you the best. If you need to talk I'm here to listen. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GAJ:<BR><B>It seems like for years in our marriage I found myself thinking, (especially when I heard about other people's WS) with all that wrong with this marriage...at least he hasn't done that. Then he did. Now on top of that, he's done what I see as the other impossible to live with thing...attacking me physically. He's actually done this twice now since he was caught in Jan. I did a really good job of forgeting, excusing, explaining, burying the first time back in Feb. But, what he did Sat. morning was so much worse. <P>It's killing me to imagine that I was getting so hopeful, then he'd do that to me. I keep picturing the same hand that made love to me Thursday morning, hitting me over and over 2 days later. When I tried to run away from him, he shoved me down and dislocated my shoulder. He called his sister to come and help get me up and to a Dr. When I sat up it popped back into place. I'd be hard pressed to find 2 inches of my body that does feel sore/aching/bruised. <P>Well, now I've got one more thing to add to my list of things that I'll be better able to understand. In the past, I wouldn't have understood how a woman could have someone treat her like that and not report it to the police, how she could still love the person who did that to her. Now, I understand. But, I think I'm pretty stupid too.<P>When he saw he'd really hurt me, he was full of remorse. Offered to go to my pastor right then and get remarried (this was symbolism I guess, we've done nothing legally to be unmarried), go away for the weekend and come back and live like a family again (he hasn't been living with me since D-day at my request). <P>He has been especially angry because I interferred with his and the OW's jobs to the point that they were both transfered. He couldn't believe I would attack them professionally. All I saw was I had to do someting (since they wouldn't) to get them away from each other day in and day out. After beating me up, he says "I've lost my resentment over that," " I now understand how/why you did what you did." etc. <P>I've told him that I just want out. Stay away and leave me alone. I cannot live with a man I'd be afraid of. I can't chance my daughter losing her mother next time you lose it. <BR>He won't give up. He wants us to go talk to our pastor (H rarely goes to church with d and I). I told him there was no point if it was to get me to keep him. He says we've got to talk it out. I said all I'd have to say was that not only could I never trust him not to be unfaithful again, but I couldn't trust him not to hurt me physically again. He still wants us to go...he went to our pastor and we have an appt. Wed. night. <P>I hurt, I don't have the energy to do what I feel like I have to, I've still got a job to do (at least I've got until Tues.), a d to take care of...OH GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH! And, I feel so ashamed, I don't want anyone to know he did this to me. <P>I feel like my only chance of resisting him is to get away, but it requires so much energy, I must not have enough faith because I can't find God's will or strength in this.<P>G.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

GAF~<P>MY heart goes out to you. You deserve to be treated with respect. My first husband also hurt me and I was to young to understand it was wrong. Looking back it saddens me. You are in such pain. There is never a good reson to hurt someone with violence.<P>My prayers are with you and your daugther. Be safe.<P>Judy<P>

I don't have time right now to write, I have to go and put on my happy face and try to get through giving presentations all day at work. But, I wanted to tell you all thank you so much for listening (reading) and responding. God's using ya'll to help give me get through this. Thank you again for sharing and encouraging.<BR>GAJ

GAJ,<P>I will give you the same advice I gave to a gentleman on this site whose W is physically abusive. It is time to consider leaving. Please read his post and see if you see any similarities <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003025.html" TARGET=_blank> justTired </A><P>I think you will see it isn't so much a male/female thing as it is an inability to handle situations.<P>You have been given good advice, consider it strongly. There is a chance of rebuilding but he should take anger management and other forms of counseling before you consider rebuilding with him.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Follow me to the Divorce forum...it seems appropriate to continue there.<BR>G.