I apologize for not answering your ? on Cali's HELP thread. No excuses.<P>Are you being paranoid you asked? I don't think so. As long as OW and WS have contact there is plenty to be suspicious about. You don't say if H is back at home or not. Am I assuming correctly that he is not? It appears that way in your post. It is a very good thing that contact is lessening. You need to see that pattern continue in that direction. Of course it would be better if he went cold turkey.<P>When did those mistrusting feelings go away? Gee..... not for along time and I had a H that was doing all the right things all of the time. He never faltered in his rebuilding and I was still mistrustful for at least 14-15 months. Looking back and even at the time, it really wasn't H that I didn't trust so much as it was OW. I had huge fears that she would contact him again and that things would start up again. I am lucky that she lives 400 miles away and that H finally did get to the point in realizing that she was just his medication for his depression and MLC. He came to a point early on in recovery where he realized it wasn't her that he wanted (she was a single mom with a 6 year old)he had justed wanted how good she made him feel about himself. That old "knight in shining armour" thing!!! He realized he didn't want to raise someone else's child when he had 3 of his own to worry about. After the glow wore off he could also see that she wasn't actually such a perfect "soulmate" either. It's easy for someone to pretend to be that when they live 6 hours away!! Boy, what a fantasy, let me tell you! <P>So hang in there and know that recovery is very difficult and takes a LONG time. Don't set yourself up to take many of his words seriously until OW is out of the picture for good. WS's words are flavored with the effects of the affair until OP is gone for good. It is only then that they are thinking clearly enough to be somewhat reliable again.All the best to you Orchid! Stay strong, it brings the best results no matter what the outcome!

Hi mthrrhbard,<P>Wow, thanks for your personal response. Well H has been home going on the 4th week. H has not been doing a good job of meeting our needs. Mostly acts like a boarder in this house and not picking up after himself like he did when he rented a room when he lived out for 4 months. <P>H admits this and does not appear to want to get better. Just sulks around. Of course the OW is relentless. Over 30 voicemails (now that 'special' vm # & sprint cell have both been disconnected), just the work cell and pager needs to be changed. Those vm's were addressed to H but her crule words were directed to me. OW is very creative. H is easily manipulated and I am just getting tired of the whole thing. <P>Had a bad dream this morning about OW coming over and trying to paint my house. What a laugh. Since I don't know what she actually looks like, in the dream her face kept changing. YUCK. <P>I wish H was more attentive. He is depressed about his work not bringing in the income he had hoped. I know we can work through that part but only if he is willing to let us help. H is a stubborn man and often sets himself up to fail. <P>He is not the only one in his family dealing with depression. So this makes things harder for me. Most of his siblings (12) have these types of issues (pi-polar syndrome, etc.). As a whole these kids are dependant on others (spouses, in-laws, friends,etc.) to provide support and help. Often they fight the assistance and that just makes getting professional help for them even harder. <P>This crazy OW just does not get it. It was hard enough as it is before this A thing, now it is another major hurdle with an OW who likes to play mind games. However, I have learned that if I am too tolerant with H, he will walk all over me. I have learned to stand up for what is right and continue to provide the right example. He will balk and fight but deep down he knows the right thing to do. <P>So for me being paranoid, right now I believe I have reason to be. I just wanted to know how long this could continue and from what you mentioned, that feeling could last a while especially since there is valid reason at this moment. <P>Thanks again for your support. I am glad you and your H are able to work things out. <P>Take Care, <BR>L.<BR>

Hi, <P>Me again. I wanted to ask another question about recovery. Actually today, I don't really feel like we are there. <P>H said that while he is comfortable here, he does not feel like he should be here. He asked why our family wants him back. Last night he had (and maybe has them often) desires to be with OW. This is after those awful messages. <P>In response to his first comment, I said that we were waiting to see if he wanted us back. What effort was he willing to put towards bringing back his family? Sure we were the ones with home and did not move out but if he wants his family, he needs to work to restore our relationship and earn our trust back. I seem to be stuck in this mode. My love for him is very low. If he were to tell me right now that he was going back to the OW, I would not put up resistance but also not allow him back ever again. H said that we derserve a better man in our lives. This I agree. What frustrates me is that he does not appear to want to make himself that 'better man'. <P>For example, he does not usually volunteer to help out. He will when asked but not of his own accord, sometimes even then he resists. He did offer about 2 times, once to pick up our son from school and he does the yard work. But for being home over 3 weeks, this is quite minimal. We both work full time. When he does have time off, he is on the computer looking at e-bay or other websites. I have asked him to spend more time with his son or working around the house. Not just to keep him busy but to help give him back his self worth. He seems to fight it internally. <P>Guess the frustration is just screaming out right now. Today, our son is home sick from school and H has the day off. I asked if he could watch our son while I go to work. H hestitated and said, 'I guess'. This really did not make me feel good. Our son is sick, I have to work and he guesses? Like he is doing us a favor? Arrgh. ...... Well, he is coming over (he had a quick limo run this morning but that is all for the day). <P>So that is how it is right now. Having kind of a rough morning. Thanks for listening. <P>L.<P><BR>

Hi,<BR> What I am going to tell you is not the MBers way, it is the tough love part of what I did with my H and it worked very well.<P> I saw in my own H that he would not change or give up what was making him feel good until he had something to motivate him. Even if your H is getting sporadic calls from OW you are seeing that it is enough to ruin your chances for recovery at this moment. What does he have to lose by being complacent? At worst he has to put up with LBers. He can continue in this mode indefinitely......as long as you allow it. I would venture to say he moved back home too soon. Recovery is about having a plan to rebuild and then following through with that plan. It is more than just a desire on the part of the WS to come home, for that in and of itself means nothing.Often times they want to come home because it is uncomfortable where they are living. He essentially is still having his cake and eat it too. He is not being required to do what he needs to do to fix what he broke, in fact, his behavior is damaging the relationship even further by building resentment in you. As you are experiencing, his mere presence in this state is far from satisfying and you are losing your love for him even though he is at home. I know for me, it was not enough that I had a body in the house. I HAD to have all of him or nothing, but that is just me.You may or may not find yourself feeling the same way.<P>If I were in your situation I would feel the situation you describe was intolerable. I honestly believe, as human beings, we need real motivation to change,especially when the change we need to make will require work and/or pain. I'd tell him he needs to go until he can demonstrate the behaviors he needs to show to restore trust and rebuild the relationship.<P>This is a very individual decision. I could not tolerate my H's indecision. It was killing me, I was a wreck. I had to put my foot down. When he knew he would lose me for sure unless he ACTED he acted. I think your H needed to decide if he wanted his family back BEFORE he moved back home. Again, a very individual thing to decide. I guess, Orchid, you need to ask yourself how much of this you can tolerate before it has a negative effect on you. When it has a negative effect then you have to take control and make changes that will allow you to remain whole.<P>My H moved out,but when he came around I was loving and supportive..to a point. I did not compromise me for him, afterall he was not willing to compromise his desires (for space and freedom) for me. I always told him I loved him and wished things could be different. I even had a list of things he had to do or agree to before he moved back home. He accepted those conditions willingly and responsibly went about meeting them to demonstrate his sincerity.<BR>All the best to you!