My h has been living with the ow since November. I found out about the a March 29. H says he does not want a d but is having a hard time telling the ow that he wants to leave her. I do not know what to do . I want to try and make our marriage work but feel the longer it takes him to come home the harder it will be for him.<BR>I have an appt. with a Lawyer 5/29 what should I do. We have 3 small children, were married for 12yrs. I am a stay at home mom lucky all of the bills are paid for and the children want for nothing, just their dad to be home. Should I go to the Lawyer? I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I feel if he truly did he would have filed already. I am so sad and want to beleive there is hope for us.

I think you should tell him that you are not going to put up with it. by letting it go on you are teaching your children it is ok to cheat even though they may not know exactly what is going on. They probably know more than you think....kids are smarter than we realize. Go yto the lawyer if only to ask his opinion. Just because you go to a lawyer does not mean it is over. I fthis is not the 1st time he has cheated leave him. A second chance is ok but more than that is pointless. If he has done it more than once he will continue. I hope this helps.<BR>sincerely,<BR>hatinghim<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lostinny:<BR><B>My h has been living with the ow since November. I found out about the a March 29. H says he does not want a d but is having a hard time telling the ow that he wants to leave her. I do not know what to do . I want to try and make our marriage work but feel the longer it takes him to come home the harder it will be for him.<BR>I have an appt. with a Lawyer 5/29 what should I do. We have 3 small children, were married for 12yrs. I am a stay at home mom lucky all of the bills are paid for and the children want for nothing, just their dad to be home. Should I go to the Lawyer? I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I feel if he truly did he would have filed already. I am so sad and want to beleive there is hope for us.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Do not file for divorce if you do not want one. Don't give up on your marriage, for yourself and most importantly for your children. Divorce has permanent, devastating consequences for children. And by the way, children can be far more oblivious than you ever thought possible. <P>NSR or someone else will come along with a welcome mesage shortly, I am sure.

Boy, I have some strong feelings on this one. My H of 27 yrs had an A last year. We were separated for about three weeks. I had NO idea about the OW until about 5 days before he actually came home. The EA began over the internet about 2-3 months before the PA began. He also said he did not know how to end it with her, without her telling me and thus ending our M. <BR>He told me on a Tues,2 weeks after the initial confrontation from me about his weird behavior, that he had "feelings" for her,that she didn't know of his feelings and that he did not want a D.He said he was confused and needed time. All lies. Well, I gave him very little time.<P>I woke up the following Sunday, angry at the fact that MY life had taken a turn over which I had NO control and Jeez, HOW DARE HE? I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was filing the next day. That I Loved him and wanted the M but I was moving on with my life,since he obviously didn't want me.That after all we had been to each other, I was NOT gonna sit and wait like a good little girl while he fell deeper in this disgusting situation. That he was not only ruining mine and our three children's lives, but her H's and childrens, as well.I had no idea it was a PA,by then. I was not trying to shake him up, I WAS DONE. Pride is a big failing, huh? But that is what it was...on my part. I am better than that, I deserved better than that. I adored this man...still do. <P>He told me the truth that very day and begged to come home. He REALLY didn't want a D,he was scared and confused and a big fat mess. The going has been rough at times, but we survive.And we are better, I have found forgiveness in my heart. He is a changed man and I am trying to be better,too.<P>Point to this ramble,My H would not come clean until he was cornered. Some of them are like that. Maybe yours is too. If he truly doesn't want a D, he should act like it. And if he truly does want one, wouldn't you rather KNOW? I would...I can only tell you what happened to me...this is not the MB way,my situation. Can you Plan A, if he continues with the A? The person I am could not. If the A had gone on one second longer, we would be D today.<P>I think there is hope for you but only if your H ends the A!! Perhaps a trip to the lawyer will be the catilyst(sp) for him. HOw can you work on your M if he's still involved with OW and not focused on you.It will harder for him, the longer he stays with her but it will also be harder for you,won't it? Maybe he should realize that...what does he really want? Whose feelings is he most concerned with? It will appear to be hers for a time...but he will do what HE wants because most of these guys are in selfish mode and will do what they want. That's the question,really,what does HE want? <BR>I am so sorry for your pain...it jumps off the page.And I know how you are feeling...it's so awful, the absolute worst! You take care of yourself and your children, if he WANTS to come home, he will. I really beleive it's that simple...

Thanks for your oppinion. I will go to the Lawyer just for information. Being a stay at home mom with 3,7,and 9 yr old children it pains me to think of their worlds being turned insideout. I would love someone to pinch me and tell me that this has been a very bad dream.. Going to a Lawyer will only give me the information on what could happen to us meaning the children and I if my h does decide to get a D. I asked him again if he truly wants to return and he said yes. But I still don't see him here. His biggest mistake was that he was too cheep to stay in a hotel and now got himself involved with someone crazier then he and she will fight to keep him. Believe me he is no great prize. Look what he has done to us.<BR>My children are the ones who I am most concerned with. My H and I would talk about their education and how important it is for them to graduate with at least a B D. Now I'd be lucky if I could keep the house and not have to go back to work. <BR>

Lost, There ARE worse things in the world than going to work.And he will have to pay some kind of support,as well, should it get to that point. He need not abandon them. he probably won't,if he's a good dad. But yeah, they are all all a little nuts,aren't they. It is so hard to imagine how a man can say he loves you but is with another woman. I know how you feel about the bad dream, it's 9 months since D day and I am just in the last 3 weeks beginning to come back to who I am. If recovery is possible for us, it is for anyone,believe me. This was my absolute bottom line..I still can't believe I took him back and I never thought I would be glad. But I am...but he was truly remorseful and has tried so hard. We will continue counseling as long as it takes. Both of us working.That's the only way, what is really hindering him from just coming home?<BR>Don't think it will be easy once he does though. It's so hard but I promise, it IS worth it. I hope he comes to his senses soon...for all your sakes.

Don't get me wrong I would love to return to work. I just feel that we had a agreement that I would care for the children and the home and when they were older I would go back toi work. I feel sad for my 3yrold. I was planning on getting a job in the school system once she starts Kindergarten. <BR>I also agree that our marriage will work out. I know that the reason he left in the first place is a mute point. I also know that he sees how much I have grown from this and all for the better. He does not want some other man bringing up his children and he can see that if he continues to stay out with this OW that is just what will happen. I am very glad to see you and your H are working for a much happier life. I know I will do my best as long as he does too.

I worked in the school system when they were little.It was the best of all worlds, home when they are home and busy and present when they were in school. My kids are now all in college,all three of them at once,God help us!! <P>Maybe he will stick to the agreement about you staying home with them...but I hope that it's a situation that will not be necessary and he just comes home!!!I will say that the thought of another man...anywhere near ME was one of things that made him come clean and come home...I had been asked out on a date and I was gonna go. Didn't want to, certainly wasn't gonna sleep with the guy but he didn't like THAT one bit!<BR>

Lostinny:<P>I think you at least need to consult a lawyer. You should be aware of what your rights are according to the laws of your state. You need this to protect yourself and your children. Please do it, I should have. <P>What are the laws in the state where you reside? Do they have legal separation there? The state where I live has separation 1-2 years depending. This is suppose to give couples time to reconcile. I don't know the laws where you are? If they have legal separation, maybe you could go that way instead of divorce for now. That way it would protect you legally, and if you H received legal separation papers it might wake him up.<P>Something this brings to mind for me. My H stopped by about a month after he moved out. We were sitting at the kitchen table when he said casually I guess I'll get a lawyer, I asked for what, he said for the divorce. So than I asked him on what grounds. At the time I didn't know about OW, but he did abandon me. Anyway H came off with something weird that wasn't even a grounds for divorce. Just goes to show what he knows, he tries to act like he does. I told H that isn't even a grounds for divorce. I start rummaging<BR>through some papers. H said what are you looking for, I said just something. Actually, it was a booklet I requested on marriage and divorce in this state. When I pulled it out H flipped out. H sure changed his tone. H raised his voice and asked me if I had talked to an attorney. I said what if I did, I've got a right to know my rights. H said I can't believe YOU talked to an attorney. Now how come it was ok for him to say he was getting an attorney, but I'm not suppose to talk to one? I told him abandonment was a grounds for divorce. H asked me what does it say about abandonment. I said are you sure you want to know, are you sure you want me to read it. (of course I already knew what it said). H said yes read it. When I read to him that it's a FAULT divorce and grounds for ALIMONY, H stood up and went off. H said I'm not paying YOU alimony, all I said was you told me to read it and that's what is written. H went storming out. It was fine for him to throw divorce in my face, but when he knew I had consulted an attorney....that didn't go over too well. <P>My H said he's pay all these bills he ran up. He said he'd put it in writing, than he told me to write it up and he would sign it. After I did and gave it to him to sign, H told me I was out of my F****** mind. So everything he said was a lie. H told me he needed time to think when he moved, 10 months later he's thinking alright, with OW. I didn't find out about OW until about 1 1/2 mths. after H left, when I ran into them. <P>Anyway, you never know which way it can go....so cover your ASSETS.<P>take care. <BR>

Dear Lostinny,<BR>I finally decided, 8 months after D day, to go see a lawyer. My H, the WS, threatened me about a month after D day that if I saw a lawyer, he would see to it that I was 'destroyed.' Not only was I living in extreme pain and shock from my H's turning away from me and to another woman, but then I was living in fear as well.<P>Just last week, something happened and my H said something that hurt me so deeply that it was the spark I needed to make that call! Lostinny, I have never had as much peace of mind in my entire marriage as I now have since I went to see my new atty. Listen to the others in this thread--don't wait another minute to find out what your rights are. They do vary from state to state and you owe it to yourself and your kids to find out what will--and will not--protect you in the event of a divorce.<P>Seeing a lawyer doesn't have to mean you are going to file for a divorce. That's what I thought 8 months ago and dragged my feet. How silly of me, I now feel. NOW, I know things I could only guess at before and in a situation as serious as marriage, guessing can lead to total disaster for the uninformed. Not only that, but I like the feeling of having someone on my side, someone who will go to bat for ME, if I need it.And, this is someone with clout, not just a friend or relative or other biased personal contact. <P>So, just DO it, Lostinny. Our H's do not have our best interests in mind right now and that means that we need someone who will look out for us. My H doesn't know that I've been to see a lawyer just yet, but when the time is right, I'll tell him. I am still giving Plan A a try-out, and things are up and down for us right now. However, at least I know what is the best way for me to go should things completely fall apart. The old saying that "Knowledge is power" is never more true than in this type of situation. Good luck to you...<P>Many hugs,<BR>Winny

Dear Winny, <BR>Went to the Lawyer and was glad to hear that I would not lose anything if my H wants a D. I have to say I am lucky in some respects. My husband is so cheep that he won't spen that much money on the OW. She owns the apartment she pays the bills. She must be as stupid as he is. His pay checks are auto. dep. I pay all of the bills. In some way it's not bad being able to buy anything I or the children need.<BR>H still says he is comming back, I am still working with plan A long distance and I do see a change. I guess I'll sit tight for now. NJ does not have a legal seperation law I wish they did I know that would put a fire under his feet.<BR>Hope all is well with you.<BR>Sincerely Lostinny<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lostinny:<BR><B>Dear Winny, <BR>Went to the Lawyer and was glad to hear that I would not lose anything if my H wants a D. I have to say I am lucky in some respects. My husband is so cheep that he won't spen that much money on the OW. She owns the apartment she pays the bills. She must be as stupid as he is. His pay checks are auto. dep. I pay all of the bills. In some way it's not bad being able to buy anything I or the children need.<BR>H still says he is comming back, I am still working with plan A long distance and I do see a change. I guess I'll sit tight for now. NJ does not have a legal seperation law I wish they did I know that would put a fire under his feet.<BR>Hope all is well with you.<BR>Sincerely Lostinny<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi, LINY,<P>I know what you mean--we have the same conditions here in PA. My atty told me that if there are no marital relations for a period of two years, that qualifes as a 'separation', but there is no official document saying so. All that means is that a divorce would be granted, contested or not. So, find out if this is true in NJ, too, ok?<P>I'm glad that you are not in dire financial straights right now and you made me giggle with your descrip. of your H! Wow..does the OW know what she's in for?! wouldn't you just love to tell her?! <P>You know what just hit me?? You said that your H is planning on coming back to you. Maybe you might want to find out about that 2 year no-sex-between-H- and-W thing, and tell him that it's up to YOU if you want him back or not. Now, THAT ought to shake him up a bit. <P>Wishing you a great week ahead...<BR>Winny<P>