My WH, who left 3 months ago and filed for divorce about 3 weeks ago has hardly had any contact with his two teenage sons and I have only talked and seen him one time during this period. We have been married for 19 years and talked sometimes 4-5 times per day, this has been really hard on me and my kids. One of my friends, who has a split personality disorder due to child abuse, tells me that this is what is wrong with my WH, he can't face reality of what he has done and so he acts like we don't exist and he has become a different person. I am so worried about the kids and their need for their father. Our older son leaves next week for the whole summer to boot camp for Nat. Guard and his father has hardly had any contact with him. He said today, if Dad doesn't call me soon, I am not going to write him while I am gone. I just don't understand that he doesn't even care about us and is worried about us somewhat. I also got word that his little OW got arrested and ran out of town for solicitation. I was sick, I can see how he would be embarassed but we are still his family. Have any of you had any of this weird, bizzare behavior in the WS who is doing things that is totally opposite of what they used to be? I am scared for him!!

Hi SEF:<P> My husband did a whole host of things that are characteristically unlike him. Or as my therapist would remind me "unlike the HIM I knew." I know it sounds cliched but at this point his relationship between your children and he will be unstable at best because he is unstable. And it also is cliched to say that it will be up to him as to what kind of relationship they have. This is difficult for us (BS) to understand and let go of. But it is the healthiest thing in the long run. Concentrate on YOUR relationship with your children. Let them know that life will go on no matter what their father does. And then keep your head held high and wait and see what happens. Not easy I know but reality.... what's the alternative? Might as well keep your dignity.<BR> Kris

Thanks,QM<BR>what is your situation, and how old are your kids. I am also really worried about the financial arrangements and there is not enough money to go around, and my idiot WH doesn't even care! I get so angry!!! SEF

After 23 years my W ran out left me a 3 page letter, I only had contact a few times and it was breif, she move out of town to be with OM and left her whole family behind, however she insist that she didn't leave for OM and that she still has family. The only thing she left was me, she does call and visit grandkids once every month or so for 2hrs. I got the whole gambit of things we hear hear. It is like she is 2 people, that is the fog I quess. I have tried to just focus on me and move forward, I have no control over her, I feel sorry for her. I know in the long run things will not go her way, and she will be devasted when the fog lifts. I believe she can not face what she has done and what she is doing. Hang in there and take care of yourself.<P>

We didn't have children at the time but he estranged himself from all family and friends. His mother had life threatening surgery and he never even showed up at the hospital to visit. Interesting sidenote, he never told OW about things like that, too much "real life" I guess. He basically wouldn't speak to any of his relatives or friends. Then again, they werent' relatives or friends of the "EMR guy", he was a stranger to all of us. His behavior was totally bizarre and motivated by guilt. He told me once "I can't face anyone knowing what a scumbag I am."

SEF so sorry to hear what you've been going thru. I can certainly relate. I have been married 15 yrs- kids ages 14, 9 and 4. I've been following your posts on here and the D board. My H was the 'Clark Griswold' type of family guy - went to church every wk with us even during the A he was having with single coworker. My H was at an emotionally vulnernable point of his life when OW jumped right in and provided whatever it IS that he needed right then- I have let him make the main decisions over 15 yrs and OW was aggressive and controlling and hell-bent on getting me out of the picture and having him marry HER! Due to his emotional state he fell for her hook line and sinker. He seemed to be at a point in his life where he wanted a woman to tell him what to do and how to think! He even started talking like her! taking our kids over to her condo where she fantasized about being their step-mom all the way to filing for D by surprise on me a month ago at the urging of OW!( though he claimed it was because we were incompatible, not emotionally bonded, didnt like spending time with me, had no feelings for me anymore ,etc etc!!! I heard every excuse in the book!)But he then riefly came out of the fog for one day and cancelled the D papers and we are now starting counseling for real 4 mo past d-day. But what a rollercoaster it has been. Do you think your H is in withdrawal yet now that his OW has been driven out of town? My H"s OW took a job transfer to another state a few months ago yet he STILL continued caling her secretly for the next 2 months and then has been going thru withdrawal lately and still brought up D word off and on the last month even though he cancelled it from last month. I always tell him God is against divorce, that it IS harmful to our children, that he is very confused and that I will NEVER agree to an easy divorce-that it will be long and messy and I will move somewhere else and start my life over if he insists on D. He is only just this wk starting to de-fog somewhat and come to his senses. You would not even believe the cruel things he has said to me that are totally out of character for him. I made a list because some of them are actually INCREDIBLE when I try to make sense of them.( I think my personal favorite is when I asked him 2 mo past d-day if he would show me a little physical affection-ie. hug, kiss etc as he cut me off as soon as his A became physical with OW and he told me, "Its as if youre demanding I go kiss the next door neighbor lady!"My counselor told me not to take what he says to me seriously and our relatives are so amazed by what he says they think he needs some medication and major psychiatric help!lifeismessyPS Our physical relationship just re-started this wkend- alleluia!lifeismessy PS how old is your H? Mine is almost 43 but thinks he will turn 143!!!

I wanted to add something else to my previous post. When H first confessed we went to our pastor for counseling. Our pastor said H was in a complete state of psychological and spiritual denial about WHAT he did and WHAT it means. Pastor told me to think of him as temporarily insane and H was not ready to accept forgiveness from me even though I would give it. During H's especially whacko times I would read the book Power of Praying Wife and the Psalms. And if I was feeling angry I would read Proverbs chapters 5,6, and 7 and Galations chapter 6! And drive around town blasting the song by the Dixie chicks- "If I fall, youre going down with me!!!" lifeismessy

Thanks all of you for your comments, at least this seems to happen to other people. I have a friend who has a split personality due to her severe child abuse and she says that is what has happened to my WH as he has split to another person because the person he was cannot handle what he has done and the contact with us makes him face reality. It makes so much sense, but it is so damaging for our kids. I know that this is not about me, but his relationship with Jesus Christ and what is important in his life, but it doesn't make the waiting or understanding any easier.<P>LIM- My husband is almost 41 and I do believe that he is having a mid-life crisis. He was involved in a serious car wreck on the job and say his life pass in front of him and that has affected him, he is now one of the oldest as the instructor in his law enforcement classes and that bothers him, he has never had good self esteeem, ever, and has always had the fear of failure. My greatest fear was being alone and God has had both of us to face our greatest fears. I am totally alone (All my family, with exception of my 2 kids (which will be leaving home soon) are dead) and my husband has totally failed. The solution to both of our fears is to look toward God and let him remove the fear, only through him can both of us conquer these fears. I am trusting God to always be with me, but my husband has chosen to live in his fear with Satan adding more fuel to his fire. It is trully sad and now even lying to the lawyer and not listing certain things on his legal papers, I totally know that he has snapped and is "Insane" in the greatest way. Are you seeing the insanity lift and how do they ever recover from this? Thanks

SEF:<BR>What everyone else wrote sounds like my H also. Sorry to say this seems to be how it is with WS's a lot. Things my H did and is doing is totally out of character, that is from the H I knew. When they say they will give up everything for OW's, I can say I know this first hand. It's difficult to watch this self-destructive demeanor. I guess that's where the addiction/fog comes in. <P>My H didn't even call his parents. H said he wouldn't talk to them because he knew he would hear a bunch of crap. Wonder why? He did finally call them 3 mths after he left. Than H called me ranting that I had ruined his relationship with his parents. Of course everything is my fault, that way H doesn't have to except the responsibility for his actions. I told him don't blame it on me if they disagree with what he has done. H said he would never talk to them again, but he has. Now they have all turned against me. I think he has excluded himself from family and friends, for the most part. They had tried to talk some sense into him, to no avail, he didn't want to hear it. There was no talking to him, absolutely irrational. <P>I've come to the conclusion it's impossible to figure out how they think, or do they even think? H does things that don't even make any sense. Mine H has also become a different person, and believe me it's not for the better. I was told he is leading an entirely different lifestyle and a completely adverse personality. H is hateful, extremely irritable, says horrible things, cold, heartless, etc. It's shocking. The OW is controlling H, and the man I knew wasn't a man to be controlled, but it's obvious he is now. <P>It's sad about your sons, but there is really nothing you can do. They're old enough to see what is going on, but you probably know it's better not to say anything negative against their father. Have you thought about counseling for them that could be helpful. Teenagers are going through a lot of changes at their age, that alone is usually hard for them to deal with. Counseling could help them deal with not only what is happening now, but for their future. <P>We don't have children together, I do feel for my H's children. Apparently H threw OW right in their faces. Sounds like your H's OW is another winner, as is mine. This OW (my H's) has a total disregard and no respect for H and his children, and he lets her. It's sick, even to the point of putting their lives in danger on a wild car chase so she could escape criminal prosecution. Not to mention OW's display of yelling vile, disgusting, foul, horrid language, in front of them. Can you imagine the influence and affect this has on the children, apparently H doesn't care. So you see it's even to the detriment of his own children, sad but true. I have more compassion for his children than H does. <P>I can feel for you in your situation. Did you ever think that maybe at this point your children might be better off not having contact? I know it's hard, but since H is in his state of mind, it could be more harmful, hurtful for your sons. I know this has been the case for my H's children. He tells them lies about me that are extremely upsetting for them. I know H is doing this to get himself off the hook. I had told him I can't believe he did this to his children, they shouldn't even be involved, what a burden to lay on them. My H rationalizes everything, he did nothing wrong or at least this is what he has illustrated to me. <P>I've about driven myself crazy trying to figure it out. I finally gathered that there is no way, because I don't think that way. As you said it is very weird and bizarre. <P>You said you don't understand, I don't think any of us do really. I know you worry about your H, I do the same. I know with my H nothing I did or said made any difference. I didn't find this site until months after he left. I would suggest you read the information in MB. This has helped me a great deal. Try to get some counseling for yourself also to help get you through this. Unfortunately your not alone, this behavior is too common. It makes you feel so helpless. <P>You should probably seek legal advice also, another mistake I made. The WS's are so unpredictable. Mine said he would pay a stack of bills he ran up, but never did. Honestly, it's like my H just walked out and has erased me out of his life. He has ruined my credit and put me in foreclosure, and financial disaster. Seems he could care if I was on the street and homeless, seriously. I'm learning the hard way. You have to look out for yourself and your sons. <P>Just my thoughts from my experience. <BR>Take care and May God Bless you and yours.<P> <BR>

SEF,<P>Yes, my H totally abandoned me. We don't have children, and I hate to think what it would have been like had we had a family. I don't know what I would have told them - that Daddy was living with another woman? Not only did he leave me, but he left me with the house payment and all of the bills. I had to ask my elderly parents for financial help. Since they only get Social Security and a small pension, this just killed me to rob them of their retirement. Some of my other relatives "pitched in" where they could by sending me cards with twenty dollar bills in them. I only ate one time a day, and only just a little bit. I must have dropped down to 80 lbs. or so. I didn't even have the money to feed myself or put gas in my car (a co-worker gave me rides to and from work). <P>So yes, I know how you feel. He completely walked out of the marriage and acted as though we, as a couple, didn't exist when he was with her. It was like he took another wife and left me behind, in the dirt. My parents and family (and friends too) have had a hard time forgiving him for this, and I had to do a lot of spade work on his behalf. He has never apologized to my parents and family for putting them through such a hardship. He feels that I "deserved" it. Well sorry. That's just not a good enough excuse. Shortly after we got back together, my father had a stroke and is still doing rather poorly. When I look at my poor dad and what my mom is going through and what they are going through financially as a result of his illness, I think of the time that they had to help me out so I'd be able to keep my home and I feel SICK about it. I start to hate my H all over again.<P>belld

BellDandy: Are you still together? Has he ever said what ever possessed them to ask like we don't exist? Just know that your parents were probably glad to help you and they will be rewarded for that from God. Don't worry about the financial problems, God will provide, especially for those who are obedient and help others. I am having to practice my own advise on that too about financial problems. I am fully trusting God will provide. I can't imagine what my WH must say when people ask about me and the kids, we know alot of people and like I said have been married for 19 years. His mom can't understand either!!! How long did it take for your WH to come around again, and did he file for divorce like mine! I believe mine was forced into it by OW and other people, telling him that it would solve all the problems, but he is finding out that it is just the beginning of facing reality, maybe that will be good! Thanks, keep me informed of your situation. SEF

SEF,<P>My H suddenly moved out in early Oct. of 1999 and lived with the XOW until late February 2000. I'm not sure when exactly they formally shacked up, but I think that he lived with a friend for a couple of weeks before he moved into her place. He vacillated between wanting to work things out and wanting to file for divorce. He is an attorney and unknown to me, he even drew up divorce papers. I know that the XOW was coming down on him hard and being very persistent in wanting to meet his friends and relatives, etc. He says that she didn't mean anything to him, but I'm pretty sure that she had him P-whipped, if you know what I mean. I don't think it was love, I think it was the sex that had him enthralled with her. He certainly couldn't have been interested in her as a human being, because she is SUCH a liar - I mean, sheesh, this woman lies about *everything.* <P>I'm not sure what happened, but when he moved back, I think he finally had had it with her subtle insistence. Of course, I "caught" them together red-handed after that and had to boot H out again and do Plan B. He finally came home for good in July of 2000. His EMR lasted until August 8, 2000, however. I don't know what kind of pull this XOW had over him, but she must have had something going for her!<P>belld

Belld: I know that my WH interest in OW was SEX, the more I find out about her the more I am positive it is SEX, SEX, SEX. He is so selfish and prideful that he lives to make him self feel better, this time it may backfire. His pride will bring him down and only if he had attended to me and our family in providing us with his time and emotion then I would have been glad to provide that sexual intimacy, but he didn't work at making me happy. I hate this situation and I see no good solution either way, but I do know that God is in control and I will have to trust him in all things. My favorite verse " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens ME!" I have been in counseling and now in counseling (free through work), my WH has been to 4 different counselors but doesn't continue with the same one it seems like they get close to discovering something and tell him and he gets mad and runs from them too. He definitely can't face the truth, I just wonder if he ever will? Sad, Sad, Sad!!

SEF,<P>I have a hunch that the real reason my H will not go to marriage counseling with me is that he will hear some unpleasant truths and have to own up to several things that he did wrong. Right now, he refuses to call his contact with the XOW an "affair." I've heard him call it many things, "dating," "inappropriate relationship," etc. For someone who was totally disgusted by Bill Clinton's waffling on the Lewinsky sex issue, my H sure does seem to have taken a page out of his book. Adultery is adultery, plain and simple.<P>I think that he doesn't want to hear this from a counselor. That and a lot more things, such as the financial, verbal, and physical abuse he's put me through in the past. It is very difficult (impossible?) for my H to confront his weaknesses. He's just too proud.<P>belld

Belld: Sounds like our WH are brothers! The saddest part is that God hates Pride and he will take it out of them since they won't surrender it themselves. My husband loves his job, it is his idol, the OW was in one of his classes and he works pretty much 24/7. So I know in time, God will see to it that it goes too. He has lost everything else anyway. We must be obedient to God and trust him and we will be OK. Praise God, that we are on this side of it and not on their side. I can't even imagine. Talk to you later! SEF Where do you live, maybe we could get together. I live in SE Missouri.

SEF,<P>I live in Texas. I wish that all of us lived within driving distance - a MB get together would be so nice. It would be so wonderful to meet all of the lovely people here in person.<P>If you ever visit Austin, lemme know, okay? <P>Hang in there, kid!<P>((hugs))<P>belld

SEF, belldandy - if your H's are brothers, then my wife is their fraternal triplet.<P>Actually, they're ALL the same. They hang on because they cannot face their demons. This knowledge is the only thing that keeps me sane - knowing she's sick.<P>WAT

You spoke of pride, isn't it said that PRIDE goes before the fall. I don't think my my H has pride, seems to be more like low self esteem. That might account for him lowering himself to his choice of OW level. They both do have a rude arrogance. I also think the SEX as you mentioned was a factor. OW is no doubt loose and an exhibitionist, this appears to be an attraction, but also H was extremely distressed that OW wasn't being faithful.(get a clue?) H knew the circumstances of OW being involved with 2 men when she jumped in with H. <P>H also knows that God has worked miracles in his life, even when he was so close to deaths door. This is how twisted the thinking is, H denied there is a God in one of our conversations. Another time I told him it was in God's hands now and he would have to answer to him. H said he knew that and he says his prayers. I told him continuously breaking at least 3 of the 10 commandments, that his prayers were falling on deaf ears. H told me yes, but God forgives. I told him NOT when he is still doing the same things. I asked him if he had read the Bible. He said NO, I told him he should because it's very adamant and opposing concerning adultery. I felt like sending copies to him, but I thought it wouldn't do any good.<P>I do know that it is in God's hands and it doesn't seem like things are going too well for H or OW. Seems an awful lot of things are hitting them both. Also lies are catching up to them. H surprising called me months ago when he ended up in the hospital, said he thought he was going to die. I thought this was a wake up call, not enough. <P>May God Bless <BR>

belldandy:<BR>& all<P> RE: a MB get together would be so nice. <P>I guess there isn't a chat room on MB? I thought that would be nice since distances present an in person get together. <P>Just a thought? Take care ALL.<BR>

Hurtwife,<P>I think a lot of the OP have "Issues."<P>I know that the XOW had psychiatric problems - her mother apologized to me tearfully for her daughter's actions, and told me that we were not the first married couple that she had tried to destroy. This poor woman apologized to me so many times, I finally had to tell her to stop, that it was *NOT* her fault that her daughter turned out to be a bad seed. Apparently, XOW had extreme mental problems even as a child and even though she was seen by a psychiatrist for most of her adolescent life (XOW was adopted), her mother indicated that she saw no progress, and that she refused medication and efforts to get her "better." Lots of problems with the law, too. So I am wondering if there is some personality or mental disorder that the XOW had/has that explains her actions, because I cannot even fathom another human being behaving the way she did. <P>I would like to believe that something else caused XOW to behave the way she did. I really don't want to believe that people behave this way on their own, just out of the blue. I simply cannot fathom it. I just can't. I've done things that I consider extremely bad and harmful to my marriage, but nowhere near as bad as getting involved with a MM and refusing to budge. Nothing can ever touch that.<P>belld