That's what I keep hearing from H. Until I can provide for his every need, she's in the picture. Am I fighting a losing battle? Every time we are having a good time (or at least I think so), up pops a voice mail on his cell phone, or he mysteriously has to go run an errand, and can't leave the house without his cell phone. I just can't ignore those things any more. The cell phone bill for this past month has 450 minutes of incoming calls, most of which are her. He even had to quick run an errand right before our sons first birthday party to call her (while both of our parents were at our house from out of state), and then couldn't remember the next night when I asked him if he'd called her. <P>He says that until I quit "bit*****" about her, he won't stop communicating with her. Does he have any clue what this is doing to me? It nearly kills me every day knowing she calls within minutes of him leaving the house.<P>What do I do? There is no way that I'll ever make him happy while she's providing some of his emotional needs. This has been going on for so long, I just can't do it much longer.<P>I am so sick of being told how stupid I am, how fat I am (the latest is that he wants me to be a size 6), how bad in bed I am, and the list goes on and on.....I am critisized from nearly the minute that he walks in the door from work to the minute that we both fall asleep at night. He doesn't see it, but the snide remarks are continuous.<P>I am at my wits end. WHAT DO I DO? Ask him to leave---if I do that, I am certain that he won't be back, ever. Put up with it until he starts his new job (3 weeks) and see what happens then? I just can't put on a happy face and pretend anymore. <P>Please help me.....

How long has his A been going on? Has he tried to break it off with her before or not? If I were you I would quit bringing OW up- it only will start a fight between you two believe me I KNOW! I only ask about OW occassionally to ask him if he's quit contact with her.( heaven knows they lie about too) I do think its a good idea to focus on the quality of your marriage. How saveable is it do you think? Is he willing to go to counseling? Are you going by yourself if he wont go? Dont be so sure he wont come back if he moves out. Mine moved out for 3 wks then moved back in. If he does move out dont let him come by 'whenever' put him on a schedule. If you think you want to ask him to leave and dont feel brave enough read the book Love Must Be Tough-that was the book that made me ask H to move out to think things thru since I couldnt stand his vacillating back and forth!lifeismessy

Don't panic! Okay, exactly how far from a size 6 are you? Is that a doable request? That's a place where you can start. He says he wants you to stop fussing about the other woman. That you can do. You said it kills you when she calls and he leaves, stop allowing yourself to be so troubled.<P>So what would happen if he left for good? What would happen? Would you really die? No. You would probably cry a river and be extremely sad, but you wouldn't die.<P>I'm not saying it is easy to be strong in such an awful situation, but if we are crucified with Christ, we can allow our flesh to die to all the pain of troubled relationships.<P>You have stated in your note all of your husbands needs and they sound like things that you can do! For example, why does he call you stupid? Does it involve a certain topic? Well, that's what the library is for! Go read some books! Don't feel bad! Thank God for him because he is telling you what you need to do to improve yourself but you can do it for YOU so you won't feel bad about yourself thinking that what he says actually makes you who you are.<P>You don't need to allow his verbal abuse to hurt you so bad. He's being a jerk, I know. God knows it too, but you can turn it around so that you show enough love toward yourself that you can realize that you are worth the precious blood of Jesus which was shed just for you!<P>If you are good enough for God, then you are good enough. If you feel it's worth it, then lose weight, it's not hard once you make up your mind not to eat out of depression. You can do it. You can do it for yourself. Give yourself a gift of feeling good about you today. It hurts when our spouses do not honor us, but God is our vindicator. Improve yourself because that is all you have control over right now. It's worth it! You're worth it! Be encouraged!

Hi, I cant remember the details of your story, soory. But wasnt he out of the house for awhile and didnt he want to come back and work on your marriage? <P>I know how hard it is to plan A while he is still seeing her, it makes you crazy. But you have gone back to LBing and trying to control him and you cant! Can you get him to do phone counseling on the basis of helping you to deal with this and become the better person he wants you to be? Or just do counseling for yourself to get you back on tract.All of his critisms are just to justify what he is doing, you know that, let it roll off you.<P>What I was ready to do was plan A the best I could for 1 more month and If there were no results to go to plan B and have no communication with him. Would that work for you? Sounds like there is a natural breaking off point when his job starts. Dont be too sure if he leaves he wont be back, this board is full of people who had their H leave and come back. Go back and read the material on this site and please consider counseling with the Harleys. You are right that you cant meet his needs with her in the picture, but he is the only one that can choose to put her out of the picture.<P>You have come so far, hang in there. Think things through, stop just reacting to his hurtful things, and make a plan for what you will do.<BR>Lora

J,<P>Sorry to hear H is still using you as an emotional punching bag. Since I know you personally, I know you are NOT stupid, you are not fat, or any other reason H gives you. He's looking for any reason to continue contact and it's easier for him to blame you instead of himself. MB is NOT about changing yourself to meet H's wants. I say wants because the criticism he is dishing out has nothing to do with emotional NEEDS. MB is about improving yourself for yourself.<P>Try not to bring up OW at all. I know it's hard, believe me! But I think that the less I talk about OW to R, the less important she seems to be to him because I've made her not important to me. It takes the fun, excitement and element of secrecy out of it. I act like I simply don't care. And that is extremely difficult to do. <P>Give me a call and we can talk some more. Hey, how did the golf lessons go? Be strong J. You're an incredible person, woman and friend! Don't ever forget that!!!

hurtinginil,<P>Your H is just jerking your chain. Next time he makes a remark about you filling his needs let him no ina calm fashion that you are prepared to meet his needs but that it is impossible with a 3rd party in the relationship. <BR>He is trying to divert attention from his ridiculous behavior by having you run in circles trying to please him. You can pick through all the hurtful comments and discern what his real needs are. It looks to me as if he puts a high value on physically attractive spouse and sexual fulfillment. These are things that you can work on without letting him know what you are doing. He will notice the difference on his own. I went through a very similar thing with my H and the weight issue. I thought it was absurd but because being physically attractive was so important to him, I went for it. I got down to a size 6 and I have to tell you that I really enjoy the way I look and the clothes that I wear.<P>My thoughts on your other points: Ignore the stupid comments - we know who has lost their mind and ability to think rationally and it is NOT you Stop talking about the OW other than to tell him that until she is out of the picture he can't really allow you to meet his needs which is what your main goal is. Treat her as a nobody. Plan A your butt off! Don't mention your selfimprovements. Just do them and he will notice how calm his homelife is and the subtle changes in your attitude and physical appearance. It worked for me. It did take several months but it worked. You will be providing a safe and loving environment while she will be LBing trying to get him to be with her rather than you. <P>For your sanity, choose to do things that please you. Start to have your own life while working on yourself. Make a conscious decision to brush it off when he is rude. If you don't react he will grow tired of trying to irritate you. When I realized that the only thing I could control was my behavior and I stopped trying to control him and his situation, I started to have a small sense of peace. I prayed a lot and gave it over to God more than once a day. At first it was difficult but after a while you establish good habits and start to feel better about yourself. That becomes obvious.<P>take care,<BR>cleo<BR>

hurtinginil,<P>If I were you, I would go to Plan B. Do it nicely, and do it with grace. Your H is using your weight and possibly other things as "bargaining chips." Once you lose weight and get down to a size 6, then what else will be demand? That you go to a size 4? That you dye your hair red? That you paint your fingernails bubblegum pink every week?<P>If you lose weight, do it for YOURSELF, and no one else. Your H promised to stay with you in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc. If he is using your physical appearance as an excuse to play hanky-panky with the OW, that is really lame of him.<P>Please Plan B. If you let him continue to do what he is doing, he still slowly but surely strip away your self-esteem. This is not a man who is the position to make demands.<P>((hugs))<P>belld<P>

J - continue venting to us. We know how hard it is, but we also know you. Aries and Cleo are right on. You are his punching bag - he has to blame you because he has not yet faced his demons.<P>Aries, please give J a hug from me.<P>Dave (WAT)

Hurtinil,<BR>I understand not wanting to ask your H to leave, but if he does, it does not mean he will never be back. With the hateful way he is acting--you may not want him back once you experience the household as so less stressful and tense without him.<P>I always found that having a plan/goals helped me. When I was bouncing/reacting emotionally to all of my H's moods, words, promises/lies it was worse than when I set myself to Plan A no matter what. I put everything into it, say for 2 weeks or a month. And then reevaluated if I wanted to continue. I found if I tried to go day by day--"we'll see how he is tomorrow"--I bottomed out much easier.<P>If Plan A is becoming too hard, but you aren't ready for Plan B, you can also set boundaries. "If you are going to live in this house, seeing the OW is not acceptable to me."<P>I also think that if you lose weight, become brighter , become a geisha girl in bed...it'll just be something else. That you aren't a good enough housekeeper, you need to learn to change the oil in the car, the kids are untidy--or rude to him.<P>He long ago fell in love with YOU...you're job is to be the best YOU you can be. I agree with the others about the EN of attractive spouse. Tackle it like any other EN. Working out will also help with your stress level--if you never lose a pound, you'll feel better, your cardiovascular system will benefit, you'll feel strong. <P>I had gained back every lost on the separation diet. I started walking in Oct., started lifting weights in March. I feel better, the last ten pounds don't want to go anywhere, but my H likes the fact I'm exercising. But better, I like the fact that I am exercising.<P>Like Cleo says, do something you enjoy.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thank you for the replies. I really am not really sure what to do right now and appreciate the time that everyone spends supporting others here.<P>lifeismessy---the A has been going on for about 16 months now. He supposedly tried to break it off several times beginning last September. Every time, he allows her to keep calling because "she is hurting so bad that she needs someone to talk to". The contact has never ended for more than a couple days. Right now, there is no quality to our marriage whatsoever. We can get along on the surface, but he's constantly emailing, voice mailing, or talking to her on his cell phone. We were going to counseling last year for awhile, but then he moved out for a week and wouldn't go back after that. He says it's a complete waste of money and won't go back. I do have the book Love Must Be Tough, but haven't used the methods yet. They may be coming soon....<P>Bin there---I don't know if a 6 is doable. Last fall, at my thinnest, I was an 8. He knew that, so then it was a 6. Basically, whatever size I am, he wants it to be smaller. I understand that it is a need of his, but there is only so much I can do. When he says something that he wants me to do and I do it, then it's something else. I am constantly running in circles trying to please him, and he is never happy with anything I do. He calls me stupid on everything from cooking and cleaning to sports to technology to you name it. Everything I say is stupid in some way, and he can't have an intelligent conversation with me, etc.<P>Lora---Yes, he did move out for a week last summer, but didn't come back ready to work on our marriage. I have wondered to this day if I should have let him come back. Yes, I know that I am starting to LB bad. After 16 months, I just can't handle much more, and am starting to regress. It really is time for something to change. Yes, I am making a plan. I had told myself awhile back that I needed to hold on until the end of the school year, for the sake of the kids. Then, if something didn't change, it would be time for a major decision to be made. I haven't really put the rest of the pieces of a plan together, but need to start working on that. Thanks so much for the encouragement---I really need it....<P>Aries---Well, now you've seen me cry.....thanks so much for coming over today, I needed it so much.....<P>Cleo---yes, those are his two top needs. Says that I suck at both of them. I got down to an 8 last fall, but after I stopped nursing our baby and went back on the pill gained 20 pounds very quickly. I went off the pill and am now trying to get that back off. I did feel great about myself then, but still didn't get any positive feedback from H. It's just so hard....

Forget it, you will never be able to make him happy until HE decides to let you do so. And he will not be able to let you do so, until he accepts you for who you are today. Then and only then can the two of you explore the EN and love buster elimination stuff that Harley talks about?<P>An example here:<P>My ex-husband announced to me one day that he would not have sex with me again until I fixed a laundry list of things about myself. Well, I was devastated. So I set about trying to FIX myself. But as it turned out, every time I'd fix one of the things on his list, he'd add two more. This went on for 7 years - yes 7 years with no physical intimacy. Well I had none. He got his jollies by having a string of affairs. And in his sick little mind he was justified because I was imperfect and duly warned. In the end I left.<P>As others have said here, you are his punching bag. It has nothing to do with who you are. It is his problem.<P>Z<BR>