Ok...our weekend started off GREAT!<BR>After the show of affection and willingness to read what I've printed out from here on Friday night I thought that we were well on our way. We still are...in a way.<BR>Saturday night the kids stayed at my Aunts and hubby took me out of town for supper....had a very good time together.<BR>On the way home he stopped at a liquor store and got him some schnapps....my H isn't a drinker at all. Well for some reason....Saturday night he was....he got completely drunk.<BR>I've been with this man for 14 years and have NEVER known him to get drunk...let alone drink more than 2 drinks.<BR>I ended up having to take care of him and clean him up....he drank so much he threw up and passed out. I had tried to tell him to stop while he was ahead....but he claimed he was just fine.<BR>I don't think he will be doing again anytime soon though after the way he felt the next day. He apologized and thanked me for taking care of him and cleaning him up.<BR>On Sunday we went to his parents for dinner. After dinner his mother and I took the girls shopping...we are leaving for vacation in 3 weeks.<BR>We get all this done and come home around 8 p.m. and we all sit down and watch a movie together.....having a good time.<BR>All the sudden my H gets up and goes out onto the deck. I follow a few short minutes later and he says....I think I'm going to go for a short drive to be alone for a bit. I'm really not ok with this....since everytime he's told me this before he's ended up with the OW but he assures me he won't be and won't be gone long. He wasn't....he was gone for about a 1/2 hour.<BR>Monday he seems better physically.....he suggest we all go get groceries and he will fix something for supper...which he did.<BR>He says he wants to go to the cemetery to visit his best friends grave. He died 11 years ago and my H hasn't been the same since. I say ok.....but am worried about him. Again he isn't gone long...but has been crying and starts to cry again when he gets home. To get his mind off of this he suggests we go shopping....and while there he urges me to buy some new clothes and shoes for vacation. (up to this point he seems to have been only concerned with what he wants and needs) Now he's fine....but I know that he's letting all of this build up. <BR>Is there anything I can do to help him through this other than just love him and be there for him?<BR>Oh...otherwise the weekend was great...little touches and words here and there.....getting better. )

Have you asked him to go and see a Dr. for a physical and possible evaluation for depression? My H also took up drinking (and smoking) while he was in the A. As far as those half hour drives I later learned (from cell phone records) that the purpose of those was to call the OW. There are some books out there on dealing with a loved one's depression. It is very difficult. It took my H a long time to finally admit that he was depressed and had a problem. If he would have admitted it in the first place the whole EMR mess could have been averted. But he didn't even realize what was wrong with him. Just continue to be loving and supportive and do some researhc on depression. Try to get him to go to see a Dr.

When my H came home the first time he actually asked me to call the Dr for him because he was so tired all the time. He works 12 hours a day 5 days a week and we were thinking that was the main reason....but I know that it isn't. It's more than that. He had me cancel the appt because they called a meeting that day and he couldn't make it. He never bothered to have me call back and I can't force him to go.<BR>I've tried countless times to get him to make another appt.<BR>When he came home this time we discussed why he had an A....he said that some of it was because I wasn't giving him what he needed and wanted...which I am now...and some of it was because when his friend died it left a big whole in his heart and he was trying to fill it but in the wrong way with the wrong people and now realizes that it will never be filled. He hasn't had a truly good friend that he could confide in since.<BR>He went for years and years without being or showing that he was upset still about his friends death.....he just started talking about him and crying about it while the A was going on. I feel somewhat bad about it because my H and I started dating and my H spent less and less time with his friend before he died. They were like brothers..they used to do everything together. I think that his friends death has really affected him more than he has ever let on and I really feel badly for him when he gets upset about it....I've been there for him through this whole thing. I was with him when we found out he had died.<BR>I just want to be able to help him before the situation gets much worse.<BR>I know for a fact that when he goes for these drives that he isn't contacting her.....her husband would contact me if he even thought he did....and has.<BR>I'm worried about the whole drinking episode though....I don't want that to escalate into a regular thing.

My H was depressed when he entered the affair and even more so briefly after he ended the A. He suffers from bipolar and OCD. He self medicated with money, alcohol (that I didn't know about until 1 1/2 yrs ago), and then with the A.<P>Sounds like to me your H is self medicating with alcohol too instead of facing the issues. The loss of his friend left a hole in his heart that he never dealt with. He should seek some counseling to face this and deal with it. After the A he is left with more issues of shame and guilt no less and that piles right on top of the other issues.<P>I hope he finds some help and/or even medication to help him through this time in his life.

Speaking as a WS:<P>Yes, depression sets in at times. Once out of the fog, it is hard to live with the knowledge of the pain you have caused at times.<P>I smoke more ... much more. My appetite and and sleep patterns have fallen into disarray. While the depressions that occasionally hit me are not as severe as your husband's, it (according to my doctor) is a normal reaction, that once "out of the fog" what we see pains us, saddens us. Every person is, of course, unique. But it would seem, at least at this point, that he is suffering remorse, guilt and the other emotions that lead to depression.<P>So yes, be supportive (ka-ching go the love units as they deposit) ... my W has been; and, in turn, I am supportive when she is depressed and feeling down. Even though my A has caused much pain, there is a positive side to this: we have become closer over the past few months than we have ever been. We spend more time nurturing each other, caring for each other, meeting each others' emotional needs. In the long run, God willing, our marriage and our relationship shall be the stronger for it.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

STL<P>I wish my husband were more suportive of me the way you are with your wife.<BR>I'm trying to be supportive....everytime I ask him if he would like to talk about it....he says...not right now and find something for all of us to do. To more or less get his mind off of what is troubling him. Needless to say....he never talks about it.<BR>I wish he would be more supportive of me. He doesn't console me when I'm upset or really even act like he cares....act's a bit selfish there. It's ok for him to be upset....but not me.<BR>When my nerves act up I find myself in the restroom losing my earlier meal and all I hear from him is.....are you starting that againand then he walks away. It's not something I can help and hurts that he doesn't act like he cares enough to ask me if I'm ok. Does he really think I want to be doing that?<BR>My point is.....I'm here for him...always have been through his worst and best times. BUT.....when is he going to be there for me like he should be? When it's too late?<BR>

Miss Priss, My H's best friend in the world died in 1995. He has never been the same since either. His father died suddently three weeks after his best friend. That was the beginning of subtle changes in him that led to major depression and ultimate A. Please urge him to see the doctor. He can discuss what's been going on in his life and the dr. can determine if he needs some medication. Does your H exercise? My H is no longer on medication, but when he doesn't get in his exercise, he seems to get down. <P>

MP:<P>While your husband is in a depressed state, he will not be able to effectively show/give you emotional support, etc.<P>He needs counseling, perhaps even medication to deal with depression. But he needs to start counseling as soon as possible.<P>I hope that once the fog of depression is lifted as well, that he will be more like the man you married and love. My ex-W was a manic depressive and refused to seek effective treatment. As a result she self-medicated: alcohol at first, gambling, drugs, and finally an affair. After 5 years, I gave up. So I cannot emphasize enough the need for your husband to seek effective treatment.<P>Godspeed and good luck to you both,<BR>STL