I'll try to phrase my quesion objectively, and would ask for as objective replies as possible. <P>I discovered my wife's long-standing affair 2-1/2 years ago quite by accident. She was out for the evening, I was home alone and decided to clean up files on the computer's hard-drive. It was while cleaning-up the files in the internet web-browser's "temporary" cache files that I discovered literally scores of Hotmail correspondence copies. All the correspondence between her and the OM was there from the time I installed the new hard-drive in the computer six months ago. <P>Needless to say, the evidence was damning and quite painful.<P>Some of the things she said in those letters still haunts me - still pains me...to the point where I'm afraid to even TRY to be sexual with her. <P>Yesterday, out of the blue, she said she'd like to make love and I became so anxious that I couldn't "perform". <P>In trying to talk about it, I tried to express my fears: that I feel that I'm not someone she particularly enjoys making love to, etc. - based on things she'd written in those letters that still bothers me.<P>She replied that, while she realizes how painful that must have been, I should not have been reading her "private" letters in the first place and that I have to get over it.<P>Her response seemed more like a defense to me. <P>I did not set out looking for what I found. Was I wrong to keep reading those letters which told me all that had been hidden from me? Am I a despicable snoop? Did I not have the right to learn what was going on behind my back once it was presented to me? <P>While she admits the affair was wrong, she constantly reminds me that it happened because we had problems. I know that, of course. She hasn't had any contact with the OM for two years, but he's still there...she was madly in love with him.<P>She seems to think I have to get over this on my own. What do I do?

JPW,<P>Have you read Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair?" Harley strongly advocates NO PRIVACY of the WS after the affair. Which means that in order to heal and to trust your W again, she needs to give you free access to any personal email, mail, voicemail, etc. So no, you are not snooping. In fact, you are merely following through with what most professionals advise you do - check up on the WS (wayward spouse) routinely. Clearly your W has yet to fully accept that she is completely to blame for the EMR. You might want to get two copies of "Surviving" and have both of you read it and discuss. If there are anymore emails like the ones you found, she needs to show them to you. Ditto for any letters, cards, gifts, etc. that the OM might have sent/given her. Remember: the WS must have NO PRIVACY. If your W insists on having her privacy, that is a big red flag that something else is going on - something that she doesn't want you to know about.<P>((hugs)) to you - I've been through this, and I'm still going through it. I have decided to leave my H until he gives me complete access to all of his personal communications and correspondences. It truly is the only way to heal.<P>belld

JPW,<P>While it has been two years since her affair, it is clear that you have not recovered from her affair. I would recommend that you buy Surviving an Affair by Harley, or perhaps some book of that sort.<P>Your W needs to understand the damage done by the affair, further, you need to understand it and communicate effectively with her. Indeed, if as is implied you two haven't made love for two years, then there are other problems.<P>Another book that may help you two see your relationship differently is His Needs Her Needs by Harley. This book will help you and your W see what you need to be doing for the other person in order for them to be happy. <P>Finally, since it has been two years and your W seems to not quite comprehend what she has done, and you are having problems of your own, I would recommend that you two consider counseling.<P>Also please go to the Just Found Out section of this site. There you will find a general greeting by NSR and a similar one by Onegoing. Within those threads are bookmarks leading you to alot of useful information.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thank you, BellDandy and JustLearning:<P>My wife would STRONGLY disagree with the "no privacy" policy. We did do counselling for about 6 months and our counsellor, too, disagreed with the no privacy policy. <P>As for making love: during the first 6 months, I tried to be understanding, supportive, etc., knowing my wife was going through withdrawl of the OM. I tried to re-stablish intimacy without being pushy. We made love a number of times during that period. That's when I DID snoop back to the "temporary" internet cache files and found a letter my wife wrote to her best (girl)friend, telling her how all she could think about when I was making love to her was the OM...how she couldn't wait for it (me) to get it over, and how much she disliked it, etc. This was about six months after I discovered the affair.<P>Ever since then, I feel my interest in sex has been hammered into the ground. I think about it, I want it, but I don't know how to enjoy it.<P>She subsequently blamed that letter, and those feelings, on her depression, again chastising me for reading her private mail. I suppose it's the "what I don't know, won't hurt me" theory?

JPW,<P>I would find another counselor with dispatch. I'm not sure what kind of counselor would encourage privacy after an EMR, but it cannot be a very good one. Most all counselors insist that the WS tell the BS everything and that they continue to let the WS have full access to every aspect of their lives after the EMR until the WS is satisfied that the EMR is truly over. Also, it gives the WS closure. By finding out everything, you are armed with knowledge. And with this knowledge, you are able to decide how to proceed. This is called reciprocity.<P>Please, read the articles on this site dealing with infidelity - read each Q & A, too. I think that this will open your eyes. You can call the Harleys and find out if there is a counselor in your area that adheres to the Marriage Builders pricipals. If you can find one, I strongly suggest switching counselors. It doesn't sound to me as though the one you're seeing is helping your marriage; in fact, it seems to me that this counselor is hurting your marriage.<P>belld

You are right that you have the right to know what was going on in your life. Are you a snoop? Sounds to me like you stumbled on to the letters. Once faced with them what could you do but read them. I went through something like that - I likened it to the way people will watch a horrible accident. They just cannot keep their eyes off of it. It is unfortuante that you found the volumn of information you did because as you now know it it very hard to erase them from your mind. <P>In my case, I would not continue my marriage if my husband (WS) did not agree to total openess. We have agreed to the "no privacy" concept in our marriage. Have you read the book "Surviving and Affair"? It explains why this is important. Affairs can only exist where a person can maintain a secret life. By eliminating privacy you eliminate secrecy. My husband (WS) provided me with the passwords for all of his email accounts, IM screen names, and comptures. (We are both web and software developers so we have 6 computers in our home and then the ones at work.) We have also installed monitoring software on all of our computers (www.iopus.com). All of my h's affairs were with women he met online so this became an important issue for us. I did not have to give him him any of mine because mine have always been open to him.<P>You did what you had to do. I know, "snooping" was the only way was able to find out what was going on in my life. <P>I agree with your assessment that your wife's response is defensive. She does not want you to know what was going on and the things she said to trash you. I read a very good book a few years ago, "Building The House Of Marriage". One of the most important points I got out of the book is that one must NEVER trash one's spouse. It is disrespectful. She was wrong in telling the OM and others the feelings she was having. Those are private issues between the two of you. When people do this it reminds me of the trash shown on TV soap operas. Makes great TV viewing I suppose but it hurts in real life.<P>You did what you had to. She did not treat you with respect so this is the only way you had to find out. Don't let her use the "privacy" argument to beat you down. Until she can realize this, I don't think you will be able to get over what she did and said.<P>I agree that you need a new counselor, one who "gets it".<P>Good Luck<BR>Z

I can feel for you. It gets very annoying how the WS tries to make the BS feel guilty and tell them to get over it. This seems to be a very common pattern of behaviour. I don't believe any of your actions were wrong. Your wife is definitely in the wrong - was then and is now.

Just wondering, did you find this information in c:\windows\temporary internet files?

DUDE!<BR> Let me tell you this. I am in the middle of the same crap!!! This is 100% true. I work in the government and I was leaving for work one day. But before I left I was scanning radio frequencies. As I am doing that I got to the end of my court I picked up just by luck (if that’s what you want to call it.) my cordless phone it’s a very old one and I didn’t even think that it would had been on that range. We I could not believe my ears. It was my wife bragging about the guys that she was sleeping with. I was so hurt and upset I didn’t know what I was going to do. After that all bets where off. I did everything to learn about my wife. I interviewed everyone that has come in contact with her. From her past and the present. I look and analyzed everything that she said and told me. And I learned a lot. I learned that my wife is a lying P.O.S. she was never honest with me. She lies and cheats just to do it. I was so hurt and upset I didn’t know what I was going to do. So when I did tell her. And how I learned she at first denied it. But when I proved it to her she was pissed and mad because she didn’t know that I did that kind of work. And she told me a hold bunch of crap on why she did it. <BR> It’s been a year and I am still with her. I am very pissed and I don’t believe and trust her. I so think that I am on my way out. But don’t think for a min that you should feel bad about snooping. I look at it like this. This is an act of war. The other side does not tell you when they are going to attack. So this is combat you have to win. I Wish I had left when I found out. <BR>

Rule of thumb: if your WS gets angry/defensive when you look into their lives, be it a computer or their mail, that's a big red flag that they are hiding something. The proper response for an innocent person would be for them to be disappointed or hurt that you don't trust them. In the case of a WS, "the best defense is a good offense."<P>belld

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Terrified:<BR><B>Just wondering, did you find this information in c:\windows\temporary internet files?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>If you're using Microsoft Internet Explorer, check all the folders under...<BR>C:\WINDOWS\Temporary Internet Files\Content.IE5<P>Get a file viewer that has built in viewing - I use Powerdesk. You click a file and it is displayed in its native format in a viewing pane. <P>People using web-based email, like Yahoo Mail or Hotmail, believe their correspondence is secret. Nothing is further from the truth! Every time they write, or receive a web-based email, a copy is saved in the temporary files. <P>For Hotmail, mail received has a name like: getmsg[1].htm. Sent messages have names like compose[1].htm<P>Experiment, and you'll catch on quickly. I did!

You won't believe how I found out H was still emailing the XOW. I used a special utilities application to crack open the PRAM in my Macintosh. There, amongst all of the excess litter, were all of the websites he'd visited (and deleted from the history), as well as any text document he'd typed in. I stupidly told H too soon that I was doing this, and he stopped using my program. Sheesh, all he had to do was learn how to zap the PRAM after he finished using the computer. <P>belld