I don't know what else to do to get out of the affair I am in. I am a confessed OW but I DON'T WANT TO BE. I have been involved with a MM for 3 years now and never once have I tried to "steal" him away from his family. Quite the contrary; whenevr W got suspicious or she found hints of us being together, I would give him suggestions on what to do to make it better. We BOTH know that what we are doing is wrong and we BOTH have tried to end the relationship several times but we never go more than a month without seeing each other again. I don't know why but we are both just too weak to stay away. Even though I love him, I don't want to break up his marriage and I'm scared to death of bad karma. I know what goes around comes around and I fully expect that someone I fall in love with will hurt me and I will know at the time that I deserve it. The problem is, we are just so compatable and it's more than just sex: we are truly friends as well. We have tried NO CONTACT, but that didn't last too long. We've tried just being friends and only occational calls but that hasn't worked either. The only way that I can possibly think of that will end our relationship is for him to be absolutely FURIOUS at me for something. The only things that I can think of that will do that is if I got pregnant and decided NOT to have an abortion----but I am a full time college student and definately not ready to be a single parent. Besides, I would never gamble with the life of an innocent child. The other way that i can think of that would definately make him mad at me is if I let his wife know everything about the affair. I know he would do anything to save his marriage. But I'm not that thrilled with the idea of inflicting that kind of pain on her either. I have toyed with the idea of just THREATENING to tell his wife but he knows me well and knows I wouldn't do it. What do I do?

<BR>I agree with you that getting pregnant to end things would be terrible for the child. And terrible for everyone involved. Does he have children with his wife?<P>I like your idea of letting his wife know everything about the affair. She has the right to know what is going on. You could minimize the hurt by not giving her the real nitty gritty – like how many times you had sex and in what positions. But basic dates, times, methods he used to deceive her, etc. etc. And some concrete things – like emails, letters, photos. Things that would prove it to her beyond a doubt. <P>One image you might want to foster in your mind is that this man is cheating on you every time he goes home to his wife. You are already putting up with an unfaithful companion.<P>Z

You know he would do anything to save his marriage? Including having an affair? Did you hear yourself?<BR>If he loves you, why doesn't he end the marraige and be with you? And if he loves his W, why is he with you?<BR>Sounds like a case of cake and eat it too and he doesn't even have to face the music because everyone is putting up with him! <BR>What should you do? Don't you already know? You are selling yourself short, involved with a cheater,even if he left his W for you. If I had thought a cheater lived within my Hs character,we are M 28 yrs, I wouldn't have married him.He sure doesn't sound too remorseful about this great wrong he is doing...BUt you do and I think you already know what to do. He'll just move on to someone else but maybe you can look in the mirror again.God, His poor wife, she must be out of her mind,wondering what is wrong...I feel for her

There are two threads in this forum started by a woman who calls herself humblefish. She is also on OW. You might find these interesting.<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009125.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009125.html</A> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009179.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009179.html</A> <P><BR>Another comment.... you say that if you got pregnant and did not have an abortion, he would be angry and leave you?????? And you love this man? Think very hard about what you said.<P>Z

My two cents as both a former betrayed spouse and now a recovering wayward spouse:<P>(1) ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT means exactly that. ZIP, NADA, NIL.<P>(2) I hope you have taken time to read Dr. Harley's work: but particularly the Rule of Honesty. The husband MUST tell his wife; and if he cannot (after VERY strong urging from you AND telling him you want no contact), then you MUST.<P>(3) Yes, you have strong emotions that you share: but they are emotions founded upon fantasy. Affairs generally do not survive the light of day: live with the man, have his children, and odds are, as you stated, will be the betrayed spouse at some future time.<P>(4) I am by no means suggesting that this course of action is easy. It may be the hardest thing you do. But, having done it, you will have regained a part of yourself (the part that is urging you to do something).<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Yes, we have talked a few times about what would happened if I got pregnant and when we first started out a couple of years ago, I agreed that if anything happened, I would have an abortion. But now, I don't want that anymore. I've been pregnant twice in my life (not by the MM) and could not carry either child. With some of the things MM and I have done, it's actually pretty amazing that I HAVEN'T gotten pregnant yet...and that concerns me. I really do want to have children one day and there's is no way I could see myself PURPOSEFULLY getting rid of a child when I'm not even sure I can have one. So I think if I got pregnant and went against the originally plan of having an abortion, he would be very upset with me. He has one daughter who is 5 with his wife and his wife is due to deliver their son any day now...he may already be here...and they don't want anymore children together so she is going to get her tubes tied after the delivery. Also, I can't stand the thought of looking in her face or talking to her on the phone and telling her what was going on. I'm not afraid of her or anything, but I am ashamed of what I've done. If I just tried to right her a letter, he might get it and open it up first.

While there is no GOOD time to break the news to the BS, each case is unique. In this particular case, you will have to be the "tough guy".<P>Get a copy of Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair ... give it to the H. Tell him that you do not want to see him again. The sooner you do this the better. I would also tell him that it is HIS responsibility to be honest with his W.<P>As for the pregnancy issue: tread carefully, wish fulfillment is not always a good thing. Your time will come, hopefully with a man who is devoted to you and will be working with you to establish a loving, caring family. Not someone who is taking advantage of two women and reaping the rewards of both.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Tooweak<P>I am in agreement with the other respondents. You need to either tell him to tell her or tell her yourself.<P>It has gotten time to let all parties involved know what is going on and it will help you to make a final break from this situation.<P>I believe that you are spending the years in which you should be actively seeking a mate, (if that is what you desire in the long term), waiting on a man who is previously committed to another woman. He has demonstrated that he will most likely not break that committment.<P>Gather your strength and make the break. It will hurt but in the long run, you will meet your man and be more than glad you didnt stay in this deadend relationship.<P>My H's OW told him, but I have waited for you. I have wasted the last 3 years of my life. Dont let that be you saying I have wasted the last 5 years of my life.

maybe...just maybe since the baby (his first son) will be here any day now I should just be a little more patient. I'm sure he will be so wrapped up in the newborn he won't have time to think about me and since I won't contact him, I will just fade into the background. Besides, his wife is going to take at least a year off and work at home so there will be a LOT less opportunity for him to call me or try to see me. I've not been exactly waiting for him. I have dated during our involvement but each time I've done so, I told him about it so he would think I was cheating on him or trying to hide something from him. He was a little jealous but he knew there was nothing he could really say about it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tooweak:<BR><B>maybe...just maybe since the baby (his first son) will be here any day now I should just be a little more patient. I'm sure he will be so wrapped up in the newborn he won't have time to think about me and since I won't contact him, I will just fade into the background. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know it *seems* like an event like this (birth of son) will draw him closer to his wife, the reality is that they will both be damned tired, irritable, and busy beyond belief... all the more reason for him to run to you for comfort. Do not be fooled!!<P>If I were nine months pregnant and found out that my H had been cheating... wow... that WOULD be very hard to take... so I understand not wanting to tell her right this moment. That's a toughie!!<P>You do need to cut this off with a VERY sharp knife though, and I know you know that already.<P>I know this is extreem, but have you considered writing him a letter and telling him that if he contacts you again that you'll file harrassment charges or a restraining order? By proxy, this would inform his wife, I think. He'd get copies in the mail or have to appear in court (I frankly don't know which, if either). I know you don't want to have to do that, but just keep it in mind.<P>Best wishes...

tooweak - pull up your roots and move. Transfer to another school. Get the heck out of town!! Don't even look in the rearview mirror. Post his e-mail address here and someone will send him a nasty-gram.<P>WAT

WAT,<BR>That would be a damn good idea...someone sending him an email but unfortuanately, I don't know his email address. See, they JUST bought a computer because his wife needs the internet for the job she has (I'm not exactly sure what she does though) and they just hooked up to the net at home like a week ago. I have not given him any of my email addresses, nor hve I asked for his. That would just be another way he could contact me. The timing is just terrible about informing his wife because not only is she due any day now, they also just had a house built and plan on moving into it like a week after she gives birth. They were planning on moving a couple of months ago BUT she got wind of us ...someone left a note on her car informing her...and she changed her mind about moving in with him to a brand new house. I think he explained his way out of it and told her one of the females he works with wanted him to be with her and when he said no, she started acting psycho and said she would tell his wife he was cheating. I think she actually bought it. But anyway, I'm a full time student...I don't have the money to move. when I am at school, it is two hours away from him and when I am at home, it is an hour away from him.

Hi Too Weak,<P> You are being used and are wasting the years of your life when you could be finding someone who would love you and cherish you. Of course, the MM won't break this off.....he has it both ways. <P>I suggest you go to <A HREF="http://www.gloryb.com" TARGET=_blank>www.gloryb.com</A> (the other woman site) and see what lies ahead for you. Some of these women have been OWs for up to 9yrs. and then tossed aside. Please take some steps to get out of this, get therapy, you deserve much, much more than this. LU

Tooweak, getting pregnant is the worst thing in the world to think or do. You want to have no contact with him that sure wouldn't be the way. If you were to have a child with him that would just make things worse.<P>And how if you were to let his wife know about the affair do you think she would really feel knowing that her H has another child from an affair. That would tear up there marriage for good. <P>And also, if he is cheating on his wife with you and he was to finally leave his wife for you don't you think that if he "met" someone else that he wouldn't start seeing this person and could you honestly trust him. I wouldn't think so.<P>And having a child out of an affair to "get back" at that person is not at all fair to that child. Please don't use a child as a "shield", please. I know from what you are saying you wont but please if it comes across you mind again just push it away.<P>I didn't mean to sound nasty on here at all if that's how it came across. Alot of things I say people take the wrong way. It's happened many times. I hope you didn't take it that way, please. I am just giving you a couple hints of advice here. Take care and I hope you can finally do the right thing and end the affair completely. If he hasn't left his wife in 3 years, do you think he will now. Nope, he is having his cake and eating it too. You need to end it. He probably will never leave his wife. He is to content between the both of you. So you need to break it off for good, not just for a short time.

Have you checked out the "Pregnancy/Child" forum on this web site? It might be interesting for you to see what people are dealing with in affairs where the OW had a child from the affair. Believe me, you do not want this for yourself or your potential child.<P>It must hurt you very much to see that his wife is having a child but he has stated that he'd want your child aborted. What a beast. Everytime you have a loving thougth about him, put that one it its place. I've used this technique before to help me break bad habits. And believe me this man is a very bad habit for you.<P>Have you read any of the material on this web site? You might find the no-contact letter very intersting. It could be taylored for you purpose... to end your affair and stop him from contacting you.<P>I'm sure that the members of this forum would be glad to help you compose such a letter. I've noticed several people here posting letters for comment. <P>Take Care,<BR>Z

tooweak<P>Having been the OW I have some points/questions for you?<P>* You have posted here and you have stated that you don't want to be OW - you are ready to break off with MM. Not to steal any copyrights but... JUST DO IT.<P>* Have you thought about why you're in a relationship with a MM and why you don't want his marriage to end? Could it be that you yourself are afraid of comitting and so you become involved with someone who is "safe?"<P>* Any person who would use a child to control another should be shot. I'm sorry if that seems a little strong, but using the excuse of having a baby for any reason (ending a marriage, beginning a marriage, etc.) is completely irresponsible. This is not a car that you can trade in or a wardrobe that can be thrown out and replaced. You are talking about a human life. Flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood. And being a parent takes a lot of sacrifices. <P>* Tell his wife. First of all, she will help you two break it off. Secondly, his marriage will not begin the healing process until he comes completely clean. She deserves the truth.<P>* You say you're in college? You're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Give yourself the chance to experience life as it should be. If you've been with MM for three years, you've already wasted three years of your life and his W's.<P>* He has no right to be jealous. He already has a relationship. He has made a committment and it's not you. <P>I don't mean for this to be harsh, but do you have any idea of the damage that has been done, not just to another person (and the new baby) but to yourself? Tell yourself that you deserve better and you'll slowly start to believe it. It will be very hard and painful and you'll mourn as though mourning for the death of a loved one, but maybe that's how you need to look at it in order to let go. Be strong, be brave and know that we all pray for you.

TW:<P>I reiterate TRose: Give him the Nike Nuke ... JUST DO IT!<P>(And he thinks only Michael Jordan could slam dunk!)<P>Life is a constant learning process: it appears you have learned the appropriate lessons. Time for TW 102: A Meaningful Life.<P>Pain in life is the fire in the forge that molds our soul: we can let it melt us away to nothing, or we can rebound, forged into a finer metal for having withstood the pounding and the heat.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

STL<P>Wow. A poet and didn't even know it. That's beautiful.

TRose:<P>High on EN list--admiration ... lol.<P>But, yes, I do write professionally. Non-formulaic writing stems from the heart and soul, not the head. The head comes later, when we clean up the rough draft and apply craft. What I express here are my heartfelt musings ... this is not the time nor place to apply craft.<P>Ultimately, if my meager words can uplift and inspire someone in their darkest hours, then perhaps I will have furthered my redemption. God will judge, tempus vidi (time sees).<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

It seems the OW is often the one who has to GET FURIOUS about the situation and do something. It appears that you are making his homelife tolerable by being there on the side for him. If you think he's going to turn into mr. loving h because of a baby, you are mistaken. Baby's tend to drive dad's away especially in the beginning when their wives are "so wrapped up in them". Single parenting is a poor choice to make for yourself as I will offer as a mother of 3. Hard as it might be you need to make the break, since he obviously won't. He has everything: you and his wife,his children. DON'T tell his wife. She can't keep him away from you anyway. This is between you and him. To bring such an ordeal down on a new mother is patently unfair. Oh yeah, if you've already had two abortions and are considering having a child some day, under optimal circumstances of course, and not out of revenge, you had better consider protecting your fertility. You could lose the choices you have there by taking them for granted.<P>As I often say to my children when they are in disputes: you have the power to make it stop. Walk away.<P>Tophat