HI. My spouse had cheating on me 8 yrs ago with a prostitute. I am not taking a one night fling, it lasted for over 4 months. Needless to say by the time he figured out that he wanted our marriage to work, he got herpes. It was very hard for me to take him back. We went through some counselor sessions plus had some blood work done to make sure that we didnt have AIDS. Which we dont.<BR>My husband has decided that he isnt getting his emotional needs met by me, so he has been seeing a married woman that he found on schoolalumni.com. (they had never dated in the past). <BR>Well, I had found out about this through the OW's H. The OW had warned my H that they were caught, but he still didnt tell me, I had to find out by OW H. He has been seeing her for 6wks and so far mostly just phone sex, but they have seen each other quite a bit and had done some "petting" and making out. <BR>When I confronted him he said that he loved her very much, but still cared about me. For 2 weeks now he has been trying to come back home and I must admit we have been very intimate alot. Now he saying he doesnt know what he wants, and its killing me emotionally. I have lost about 18 lbs already because of not eating. I am just so exhausted and depressed. I saw a lawyer today for q and a only, and I know that I will be set pretty well financially, and that he will lose alot. But that doesnt help me emotionally. Because I love him so much. We have been married 15 years and have 3 sons (15,10 and 2 yrs). I have been with him all my life, since I was 16. I feel soo lost now. Help, I dont know what to do. Part of me would do anything to keep my marriage, although I dont think I can compete with the OW. Maybe I should just call it quits and get the pain over with. <BR>I get so bad sometimes it so hard to breathe, and I hate my kids seeing me this way. I have always been the strong one.

I have been both the BS (my ex-wife), and am currently working on rebuilding my current marriage as a wayward spouse (WS).<P>First of all, there is hope. Read Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair (if you haven't already) and the other material on this site (get your H to read it too, if you can). You and your H must sit down and implement what is in the book, but it must be done together (read up on Plan A and Plan B). Secondly, get professional counseling. Both of you if possible, but at least for yourself.<P>I despaired as a BS, never found this site, and wound up divorced and hurt; I have been the WS, too ... and thank God my W was gracious, courageous and loving enough to be willing to work through our problems (that should read MY problems). It has helped us both immensely that (a) she found and we both read Dr. Harley's SAA and other books and (b) found this site. [As an aside, WS's who see the light at times despair too ... at the harm we have done and at the thought that the harm may be permanent.]<P>The fact that the OW's H knows about the A will help somewhat. But even as this straightens itself out, read the book, have a frank discussion about emotional needs: yours and his, and how they are or are not being met.<P>These are the first steps on a long road. With commitment by you both to what is prescribed here, you could very well end up with a far stronger marriage and relationship than you have ever had. That is the ultimate payoff.<P>Lastly, keep checking in ... this forum is for all of us in similar straits (BS's and WS's alike); we can learn much from each other's experiences.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Glad you found this site. Given that this has been only for 6 weeks, you caught it at the right time. Please check the posts on Just Found Out, and look for one by NSR that says something like Welcome for New Builders. Find the links to Plan A, and read as much as you can about this, as well as ENs, LBs.<P>Your H is in the so-called fog now, all infatuated in this "new" relationship. You need to start meeting as many of his ENs as you can. Read posts on this site, as well as the articles, to learn about Plan A, and the other things.<P>I'd buy HN/HN and SAA from this site. They are excellent resources. Light His Fire would be another good one (Light Her Fire is good for men to read).<P>Sometimes this can take quite a bit of time, but from the sounds of it, the fact that they are caught and it isn't a big secret is good news. As Harley says, once an affair hits the light of day, it starts to self destruct sooner.<P>Plan A is the main message. If you don't find enough about it, just ask. <P>You CAN compete with the OW. You have a history with your H, and three children. Try to figure out the ENs that you weren't meeting, and work on that. By making you better, he sees that and you become the best option for him, not the OW.<P>Keep us posted on how it goes. You are not alone....there are so many of us here going through the same thing.<P>