UGH. Once again I am up in the middle of the night due to a horrible nightmare that I just can't get out of my head. Thought I would come read some posts, vent a little and see if I can let out some of this anger. <P>Maybe not. I keep thinking of all this stuff I want to vent about, but I pretty much already have on earlier posts. Okay, changed my mind.<P>I have never lived alone. I met my husband when I was 16, married at 18 and lived wonderfully for the next 6 years (2 years ago). For the past 6 years he has been my only close friend, my best friend and we shared everything. He even told me just days after the EA started and I was there every night with him as he agonized over his feelings and was confused over what to do. <P>Even today we still talk more deeply than most people in our situation. He still has deep feelings for OW which is why I believe I can't get through right now. She will be back from vacation in a week or so. Guess I will see what happens then and if they get back together.<P>It just seems like we are so close, share so much, talk so deeply that there has to be more there than my husband is telling me. He is still deeply attracted to me and we even had sex last night. Now he regrets it and is pretending it didn't happen because he "doesn't WANT to be my lover anymore." <P>Why would a person that truly does not love you, that wants to just be away from you, says he doesn't like you anymore act the way my husband does? It doesn't seem to make sense. He says he still cares about me, but it is not love. He even called one of my old close friends so that I could try and make up with her and have someone there for me (she recently had an affair and divorced her husband so you can understand how I feel about that). He talks about taking care of me, helping around the house, coming over to visit all the time after he moves out. Wanting to help me out with the kids. Sometimes I feel like it is pity, but he says it is not (well, sometimes he says, but not often - I say I don't want his pity!). YET, in the back of his mind he's hoping OW will take him back while he is gone and he can also date her. It's like he's trying to mold me into being just his friend, that's all he wants he says, and then he gets to go and have this thing with OW and not feel guilty.<P>He knows I will take off (and Plan B) if he gets back with OW, but it's like he's trying to convince me to just be his friend, forget we ever had anything more, stay next to him with the kids and just let him date OW - and be happy for him! Is he insane? He says this is not what he is trying to do, but it sure the hell feels like it! I told him I can't be his friend if he gets with another woman, the pain would be too great. To this he says, he would be fine if we were just "civil" so that he could see the kids every once in a while. How could he be okay with just being civil??? Just drop everything we had like it means nothing?<P>I thought him moving out and having some time alone may help these feelings, but I am starting to have my doubts. He just says he's already done alot of thinking and he's very sure that he just doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me, but he will give it some time and move out and see how he feels. But I ask, will this really do ANY good given that he still wants OW, will be working 2 jobs now to keep his mind busy, and will be over here in his free time, enjoying all the comforts of home without the guilt?<P>UGH. He makes me so mad sometimes. He tries to convince me that his way of thinking is right and I need to just let him go and everything will be fine and I'll get over him and meet a new man and things will be wonderful. <P>FOG, FOG, FOG, FOG, FOG!!! And then I ask myself, is it really, or am I in the fog? AAAHHH!! <P>He turns everything around and says I am the one in the fog and not living in reality.<P>Okay, I vented. Don't really feel better, but maybe I can get some sleep. Thanks for listening.

Hello HurtByHubby,<P>I was in your exact shoes about a year ago. My H said all the same things to me in the midst of his affair. I also never lived alone, went from my mother's house to my husband's. My H also told me he would always love me but was not in love with me. His A began in April 2000 and he wanted to move out to think about things. This was before I knew about the A. I fought him tooth and nail and was successful. However, he finally moved out in August, 2000. By then I knew of the A and the stress of the marital situation was too much to bear.<P>I cannot tell you the enormous sense of relief and peace I felt when he left. I had fought for so long for my marriage, was so tired of "the horrible nightmare" as you put it, that I actually enjoyed the time away from H. I never once initiated contact with him for any reason. He would try to call me on the job, luckily, I have caller ID and would let his calls go to voice mail. I would only communicate with him about the kids and finances and nothing else. I guess I implemented Plan B without really knowing about it.<P>About two weeks after he left he called me four days in a row begging me to have lunch with him. I finally called him back and agreed. At the lunch, he was a perfect gentleman, opening my door, pulling out my chair to seat me before he got seated. He kept looking at me and smiling and commented that I had gotten some new clothes. He said I looked very pretty. I just smiled and said thank you. He kept saying how much he missed the children, our home and me. I just smiled and tried to change the subject. I was determined not to get sucked into an OR talk.<P>He kept asking if I missed him. I finally said yes and changed the subject back to traffic, the kids school etc. Walking back to the car he held my hand and kissed me passionately. I kept my cool but kissed him back. <P>What I am trying to convey here, is that you will hurt if he moves out. But you will find peace also. Don't fight him on this. He needs to miss you. This is what so surprised my H. He thought he and had the OW, his fantasy, yet here he was missing me. I knew he would miss me, there was no doubt in my mind. That is why I never called him, avoided seeing him as much as possible. <P>My H and I also had long deep discussions about everything before he moved out. It just added to the pain. Yes he still wants you to be his friend while he goes out and dates the OW. Please, don't let him have his cake and eat it too. You have to put a stop to your tormentor. I know the pain you are feeling because it haunts me to this day. We are about 9 months in recovery and it has been really hard but we are determined to make this work.<P>Hang in there HBH. I know you feel like just crawling into a hole and coming out only when your world is right again. It really is true that you need to focus in on you, do something nice for yourself. Read as many books on relationships as you can, this is the ammunition you need to save your marriage. Vent and vent some more here when you feel so overwhelmed, the people here really care and do know exactly the pain you are feeling.<P>NoMoh

You know, your story reminds me so much of another thread in Plan A/ Plan B by Ernie. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000771.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000771.html</A> He also is dealing with a spouse that just feel she wants to be friends so she can go find her thrills. I referred him to this thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003215.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/003215.html</A> where stilleverafter replies and talks about a book called "Love Must Be Tough". Could be a book you might want to read. Hang in there!! I really feel for you.<BR>

Thanks NoMo! You give me hope. This morning my husband came back from working out (after his 3rd shift job came out) and he just looked really sad. <P>He kept asking if I needed help getting the kids ready, and I just kept saying "Nope, we're fine." Then my daughter said "I miss mommy" (she's 2). Then my husband was messing around and said "I miss mommy too." I ignored him.<P>He used to watch our two little kids all day long, now I have put them in full-time daycare in expectation of his move (and to help them - he is very mean and cruel when he gets in his mood and I can't bear to see my kids yelled at because he is having problems).<P>I think he was amazed that I did not need him this morning and that I was not crying and depressed. Also, I barely talked to him (only in response to his questions) and I think that hurt him. <P>Good. Hopefully he'll get off his high horse and start thinking about someone else for a change. Reality check.<P>The thing that helps me get through this is that I think of my husband as dead (or MIA is more appropriate), at least the husband I knew and loved. This person living with me now is not the man I married and fell in love with. Oh, I still have hope for now that he will come back, but I still grieve over the loss of my husband because he is gone right now. <P>I just hope the courts will see it that way when I pack up and move to another state to start a new life for me and the kids (if my husband stays MIA that is).

hurt- My H used to tell me the same things- that he wasnt in love with me anymore, had no feelings left for me, that all we had in common was our kids, he'd been unhappy for a long time but hadnt told me, etc. That he was leaving me for OW- yet even when he moved out he kept coming home for dinner every night- shovelled the snow without my asking etc. It was so weird- I freaked out about the mixed signals he was sending me. He would hug me goodbye every evening yet that wk I also found out he had seen a divorce attorney and looked at apts- his actions and words were miles apart. But I also felt that he had STRONGER pull to our home and kids(and hopefully me) than the fantasy bubble of OW. I was right in the end but he sure did months of back and forth and I prayed alot!!! It IS easier to have them out of the house if they are giving you alot of mixed signals- its emotionally exhausting to try to figure out what they really want since they arent being rational. Keep talking to sane people as much as possible - since he ISNT right now. I also thought of my H as tomporarily insane- that was immensely helpful to help from getting TOO angry with him. And when I did feel mad I'd go do something small for myself- buy some makeup, go to starbucks etc. Anything to get out of the house. I think your H will come back to you when the fog lifts. lifeismessy

Hey NoMoh, LiM. Check this out, somehow I managed to not cry at all today while my husband made his plans to move out, borrowed $950 from me for rent/security, and finalized his apartment. Whenever he tried to talk I would change the subject so as not to get upset.<P>I also gave him hell today (in a nice way). It felt good. Basically told him that the pain doesn't go away for us just because he can't see it. He was there when I made the counseling appt. for the kids, and he says "What's wrong, they seem fine to me." I said, and I quote "Are you blind?" <BR>He hugged me like twice and just kept saying, don't worry, everything will be fine. Then again with you and the kids will be fine without me, you'll see. I said yeah, of course we will, but it's not what I WANT! I also told him he was abducted by aliens and isn't the same man he was just a short while ago, that he was horrible now and I was ashamed of him. (and also that I want my old H back, the good one that I know is dying to come out). He also admitted that he doesn't feel like he's acting like himself (I asked).<P>AND, get this, tonight, he actually cuddled and hugged me very tight for a long time, AND he was kissing me passionately. It was definately NOT sexual, I would have sworn it was in a loving way. I mean, it obviously wasn't for me since I wasn't upset in the least bit when he initiated it. <P>So, this is at least promising (at least it gives me hope that I am NOT the one in the fog, he is!). Let's just hope it lasts... OW is due back any day now and I am trying to keep busy not worrying whether or not she will try and contact my H and restart things.

Good News girl, keep it up. Next time you see him though, do not bring up anything about his acting like an alien etc. Just be lovingly distant. Keep the conversation off any OR talks. Talk about the kids, finances, weather etc. Never ask him about the OW. Make her a non entity in your conversation. If he wants to initiate any OR talks, listen, do not defend yourself and keep it short. This drove my H crazy. <P>He knows he is acting crazy. He needs this time to think things through, to miss you and the kids. The OW is a fantasy but you and the kids are his life. Do not despair. He obviously loves you very much. He is just confused. I know there are several books out there that are highly recommened. The one that kept me sane, on track and determined to not beg and plead when my H moved out was Love Must Be Tough. Get it and read it. It will become your bible and give you the strength you need to do this. Above all else, prayer. Open your heart to God and talk to him. You will feel immensely better. <P>Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. Come here when you feel like calling him because you miss him. You have to let him initiate the contact. You are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>NM