I have a question. When I found out about my Husband's A I told him that I could not deal with our relationship without drastic changes. I had him move next door into a rental property until I knew what I wanted. I was hurt by the lies, the feeling of being used by him etc.<P>Fastforward now it has been three months. We see each other daily, I spend the night generally on weekends with him. He won't spend the night with me at Our home. <P>I asked him when we were going to move back in together, I told him that we could not go on indefinitely with the arrangement. <P>Now he says he likes "dating" me. Likes to be able to get away from the responsibilities of the children etc. They are teenagers and he feels that all he does is argue and fight with them (they work for him at our business).<P>We went with friends out of town for 4 days,camped out, stayed with each other etc. got back home last evening and I asked him to stay the night at our home. He didn't.<P>What is going on with him? Currently, I am making meals for him over here. As I said we see each other daily. I generally go over in the morning and kiss him goodbye. <P>Is he using me again? Does it sound like he has no idea what he wants? He did tell me that he wants to experience life, but then says he wants me with him. <P>When I asked how much longer with this separation, he insinuated a month or two longer.<P>What does this mean?

k9love - I think it means he's being selfish and doesn't know what he wants. What is the status of the affair? Sounds like it is either still in progress, or, if over, he is in withdrawal. Are you Plan A literate? Was he ever a teenager? Does he act like one again?<P>I'm sorry if you've already given more details. Based on only what you've said in this post, he's a typical WS. How much have you educated yourself with the info on this site?<P>WAT

Hi K9,<BR>I was wondering what happen to you..Did you do the lie detector? if so how did it go?...<BR>Your H does sound like he has the best of life. Sex, when he wants meals made for him, freedom from the normal stresses in life, and his indepenence. Sounds to me like he needs to get off the fence...if you are no longer happy with this arrangement..then tell him so. And if is stone walling then let him make his own meals, SHARE the responsiblity of the kids, and fend for himself...Heck I would not leave that arrangement...being totally taken care of and have freedom and quite...sounds like heaven (esp with 3 kids 12,9 and 15 months), Now I am not a expert on the MB way, and I know alot of the people here do well with it...unfortuantly...coming from ethnic background (Italian) I could never plan A...not with a straight face...and as much as I love my H, I could not hide my feelings of pain and betrayal, and ANGER so I would love bust till the bank was bankrupt...which I have pretty much done...you are being a saint...I would be cooking meals with arsnic in them (just kidding)...I dont understand what it is he needs to "decide"...I am sure alot of the great people here with the patience to plan A can help you...I am more of a plan B type of person..Take care...MC

MyCross - will you cook up something for my wife? <P>WAT

K9Love:<P>Where have you been??? I've been worried about you....<BR>I kept checking the site I set up for Aftershock and K9Love<BR>but you haven't responded.<P>You must be hurting inside...since it sounds like you were ready to move forward in all of this and he's decided to take two steps backward. I agree....What is going on?<BR>Do you feel he may be involved in the A still? Or could<BR>it be he wants to be TOTALLY ready to come home 100% and<BR>"free" of the A? You must have felt very hurt when he<BR>didn't want to stay....I'm so sorry...HUG..HUG...HUG...<P>Stay strong...and you need to really TALK to him...Get into<BR>his head and find out what's going on? <P>Keep me posted and I'll be thinking of you...<P>SHOCKER17

Shocker 17:<P>Yes, I was gone for a couple of days, after I got out of work Friday we left and didn't come in until Tuesday. I am soooo confused right now. I do not know what is going on within his head. I asked him during the time we were out of town when we were going to get back together and he said he wanted to make sure I was ready. If I am asking well it should be obvious I am ready. <P>As far as him not being over his A, I do not have any idea. He certainly isn't going to admit it if that's the case. I don't feel we've made any gains in telling each other what we really feel deep down.<P>He did say "I don't want you to get mad but I really think we should wait a little longer before we move back in together, he said he enjoys the time we are spending together, he enjoys "dating" and he feels that he needs this time to learn to appreciate me, that he took advantage of me and he doesn't want that. <P>Now all of this sounds good but I wonder if he's feeding me full of ****. <P>I am leaving, going out of town for a week in a few days. I will be out of state and basically he will be staying here. Now whether he does or not, I have no idea. PI are so expensive, around $45.00 hour and I can't afford to have him watched the whole time I am gone.<P>I do not know if he has plans to leave when I am gone or not. He says not, but with him you never know. <P>He is making some progress there was a rally this weekend in Austin that he wanted to attend, I didn't say anything, as I could not go with him. He didn't go, and he isn't acting like a jerk because of it. I do not know there's a part that tells me he is being sincere and trying. and then there's the part that tells me he's being selfish and wants to have his cake and eat it too.<P>For instance, this morning we were at a store and he was looking at a vacuum cleaner to buy. He can use ours and bring it back and forth. Why is he looking at spending more money setting up house? He didn't buy it but the fact that he was thinking about it causes me concern.<P>When I asked him how long "a year, 6 months, he said No, maybe a couple more months.<P>Sorry this is rambling. I am so confused and I do not want to discuss what he is doing with the friends who have already heard it all, they think I am an idiot for saying anyway. The counselor did not help me either so I really need input.<P>Worthatry and Mycross thank you for your replies. We are getting along beautifully, I don't know what is wrong.

K9:<P>I hesitate to raise this issue as I am not a seasoned MB by any means....but is it possible that it might be time for Plan B? I do have the feeling that you H wants his cake and eat it too. I am glad for him that he is "enjoying" dating you. What are you enjoying?<P>If you sincerely want your H. to live with you and your children and participate equally in the good and bad parts of your marriage, you have the right to request this.<P>If I am misreading the situation, I apologize. It seems as though H has all the control in your relationship. I worry about that being unhealthy.<P>Have read many of your posts, and I send you hugs and very best wishes<P>Robyn<P>

K9,<P>I have to agree with Robyn. You should give strong consideration to Plan B. Whether your H is still involved in the affair or not, he is acting like a single person, not a married man. <P>Plan B is designed to move the "fence-sitters" one way or another. Although you are currently allowing the situation, in the long run, your resentment will build in a big way. He is the King and you are not being treated equally as the Queen. If things continue for months as they are, you run the risk of losing the love you still have for your H. He is fence-sitting, and that is all there is to it.l Why should he give this up and come home and have to deal with all the responsibilities, when right now, he can be your companion without any responsibilities?<P>He won't give this up unless he is forced to give this arrangement up. Plan B might be what you need to "motivate" him to come back home before it is too late.<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Roll Me Away (edited June 01, 2001).]

Wow, K9......your husband's world sounds like Utopia to me! Why would he want for anything else? You and he seem to be somewhere between Plan A and Plan B with ambiguous emphasis on Plan A. If your H is now living in a rental property owned by the both of you (???) and seemingly within close proximity.......how can you effectively go to Plan B since what you are doing (Plan A????) is not working so keenly for your needs? <BR> <BR>He seems wonderfully happy whereas you seem a bit perturbed. You need to let him know exactly how you feel about the current situation and perhaps a compromise can be reached.........if that is suitable to both of your needs. <P><P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>

I think that K9 has communicated to her husband how she feels, and asked when he wants to resume living within the marriage.<P>The problem is that her H has no incentive to do the WORK required here. <P>Plan B might allow K9 to preserve the love she still feels for her H. On the current course of action, H is having most of his EN's met and K9 is having very few of hers met.<P>What incentive does H. have to meet her needs?<P>K9, it seems as though your H. is on board to work something out, and that is worth something. He is being reasonably kind to you...is he showing any tendency to put you first and himself second?<P>Big hugs and good luck<BR>Robyn