Hello,<P>Long time lurker, infrequent poster. My history - H had an EA then PA. Started in April 2000, moved out in August, reconciled for the 5th or 6th time in September. We are now 9 months into recovery and it has been both wonderful and terrible.<P>About a month ago my H asked me if I had any more questions about the A. We were both relaxed and enjoying several weeks of honeymoon type atmosphere. I asked the dreaded question "Was she better in bed than me." Got the answer I did not expect - I thought he would lie to protect my feelings. This set back my recovery to almost D-Day. <P>Yesterday, I felt I was coming out of my skin. I had vague suspicions that he was filtering money from our joint checking account, that he was in contact with the OW and that they were planning this big reunion once he got the funds together. So, when I got home I snooped. Have not done this since he came home. I found a card she gave him last year for his birthday. Also accessed the temporary internet files on his laptop. Discovered his hotmail account that he used to communicate with her is still active.<P>Just minor things but enough to confront him with. Woke him up out of a sound sleep and asked for the password to the email address. He said he did not remember, have not been able to access it for months. The temporary internet site did say it was last accessed in October 2000. I said why were you trying to get back in. He said he was just curious. I asked him if he had a secret account set up for getaway money. He looked at me incredulously and said what are you talking about. He denied it, swore on his children's life that he had no secret account, is not in contact with the OW. I then proceeded to ask him questions about the A.<P>He said how many times are you going to question me. You know everything there is to know. He said he has forgotten a lot of details, that he no longer thinks about her, that she is out of his system. He said I need to confront her, get this anger out of my system that I am harboring towards her.<P>I said what if I can't control myself and beat her up (I never would-just wanted his reaction). He said I have to do whatever I need to do to heal and put this behind me. He said he does not care if I hurt her physically, he just does not want me to get into trouble. I said what if she calls you crying and upset because your wife paid her a visit. He said he would tell her to deal with it and not to call him ever again.<P>As for my MIL-she offered to pay the rent on his apartment and help him with the divorce attorney fees if he wanted to pursue a divorce from me. She has always hated me, does not even know the name of my youngest daughter who will be 10 in June. She never once said to her son that having an affair is wrong, you need to work things out with your wife. She never once asked how the kids were coping with the parent's separation during the midst of the A. She even invited him and the OW to her house for Thanksgiving. I consider her the most evil person I have ever met in my life. She has succeeded in helping to dissolve every one of her children's marriages but my H's. It will be a feather in her cap if she could help him divorce from me.<P>What do you all think. I have no problem confronting my MIL. I do not know about the OW. What kind of pain am I opening myself up to. What about the no contact ever policy? Has anyone ever done this and did it bring closure to the A? Your thoughts and advice would be most welcome and considered.

You have been given the go-ahead to confront her... which most of us never got. It won't be a LB since he gave approval. <P>GO FOR IT!!! It's the best possible time too, now that the real "beat the crap outta her" time has passed. <P>I pray that she apologizes and that it helps you heal... <P>Advice: Write any questions you have down on paper before you go... be prepared, just in case she's a B!tch about the whole thing... most of all... expect nothing.<P>I met one OW and it was icky, but healing. She hugged me which was gross, but I knew she was sincere (as much as possible, considering she had just said "He loves us both"). I did get an apology, at least. It helped, honestly. All of his other OW dropped off the face of the earth, except the last one (he's still with her and we're divorced, so...). <P>I say you really have a golden opportunity! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

If you might want to consider puting a monitoring software on your husband's computer. Look at the <A HREF="http://www.iopus.com" TARGET=_blank>www.iopus.com</A> site. <P>At first I was going to just sneak it on his computer. Actually I got as far as installing it. Then I remembered the the Rule of Honesty. So I uninstalled it, gave him a copy of the software and explained to him that I really needed the assurance that he was not chatting or emailing the women anymore. This was not an easy thing for him to do. No one likes to feel that they are being watched all the time. But after a bit of soul searching and checking out the software (we are both software professionals), he installed the software on his computers. We are installing it on all the computers in our house (we have 6 right now). <P>This would be an easy way for your husband to give you reassurance you need.<P>Just a thought<BR>Z

"About a month ago my H asked me if I had any more questions about the A. We were both relaxed and enjoying several weeks of honeymoon type atmosphere. I asked the dreaded question "Was she better in bed than me." Got the answer I did not expect - I thought he would lie to protect my feelings. This set back my recovery to almost D-Day."<P>I can understand your hurt but at least be pleased - not suspicious - that he was honest. If he had lied, you would have a FALSE sense of security and a FALSE idea that you can match up to what he has experienced elsewhere.<P>I suggest that you set up - or wait for - a loving environment, tell him that you love him, tell him that you are hurt by his truth but thankful for it. Then ask his help to become a better lover. Good sex is NOT something that we're somehow born knowing. It is NOT something genetic. It is partially a level of desire but it is largely a skill. Like any skill, it can be learnt.<P>Don't just rely on him, though as we don't all know just what it is we like, nor how a partner does it. I have often advised couples to have at least half as many books on sex as books on cooking - and there's no harm having many more!<P>Once you have him helping you to become a better lover, he'll probably join in too and even if he is thinking of the OW, he has an extra incentive to get what he needs at home. Do NOT fall into continuously thinking about needing to compete, though: just concentrate on becoming a great lover for the man you love.

Thanks for all of the replies:<P>NyNeve-Love your new name. I "know" so many of the posters here and I always love your posts. I thank you for the go ahead. There is so much I want to say to her but I am also afraid of what she might tell me. My H said there should be no landmines, that I know everything. However, he has said that to me before and it was not true. I harbour such intense feelings of jealousy, moral superiority, that I do not know how well I would handle the situation. My H said she is very arrogant so I cannot see her apologizing. I do not want to tell her what trauma I have endured-I want to come across as strong and confident not a woman so traumatized as I am now. <P>Zorweb-I think it is so wonderful that you and your husband post together. I have always hoped that my H and I could provide advice on what we did to save our marriage to other couples who are in pain. I have considered installing software on his computer to monitor his activities. Thank you for the site-I will think about it some more.<P>Philip M - You are right. I am not a prude and have always asked my H to go to adult stores to look at toys etc. He always turned me down. He is shy in public but not in the bedroom. I am a much more loving and considerate lover since the affair. Before the A I endured that aspect of the relationship-it was like another chore. Now, I cannot seem to get enough. I am excited about trying out new things etc. He has been using new positions etc and I know it was learned with the OW. I try to keep an open mind and not let this in any way hamper my own pleasure or his pleasure. However, he is of the mindset that he does not think he needs to engage in foreplay with me anymore. He rarely kisses me or does anything oral with me. I pleasure him exclusively. I am rather tired of the one man show but I try to remember this is how he felt for several years. Two wrongs does not make this right but I can understand his feelings. It just hurts me though, that he does not want to consider my feelings anymore.

Dear NoMoh,<P>First I did not realize that your H started the conversation about the OW...asking you if you had questions about her. You both should not have 'gone there' yet, (or maybe never) but that's in the past. To pharaphrase some quote: "why screw up the present with the past."<P>About your suspicions - well those are not fact but only impressions. You still do not trust your husband and that is something he needs to earn and you need to learn. (He has his work cut out for him,imo.) NoMoh, regardless of whether or not it's true, and he is filtering money into another account, my main concern for you is how you will handle it. That's the issue. Based on your other post, where your husband became violent and beat you, I fear for your safety!!! <P>It's understandable that you still have animosity towards your husband - but those negative feelings might erupt and get you into trouble again.<P>Personally, if you have issues with your MIL or the OW then yes, talk to them and do not involve your husband at all. BUT, you aren't ready for that right now, imo. If you are saying your MIL has always hated you and has offered to help H with a D, then think about what type of conversation you will have. She most likely won't admit having an A is wrong because she feels it's a poor reflection on her - she brought up her son, afterall. NY Neve has a good idea - to write things out first, then present it. If you feel you need to get things off your chest, then do it. (Ever think about having a 3rd party present? Like a therapist?) But if this MIL is as nasty as she sounds, be prepared for a disappointing reaction from her. I'd rather confront the OW than her! <P>As for confronting the OW - she was the symptom of something wrong in your marriage and nothing more. Talking to her might bring you down - unless you are doing it to 'forgive' her which WOULD set you free of your hurt. Don't go confront her with the thought of what your H said about her in the back of your mind. <P>I think you need a break from the emotional turmoil you have been going through. And talking, at this time, to the MIL or former OW might land you in deeper pain. Then again, it could be healing - like NYNeve said it was for her. Just ask yourself if you are prepared emotionally for it. NyNeve, if you are reading this, when you confronted the OW, where were you emotionally? How much hurt were you harbouring? Or were you past it. NoMoh - do you feel you are ready for that talk? I think the best time to discuss such things with people is when you no longer care! But that's jmho. <P>About your last reply: You said:<P>"He rarely kisses me or does anything oral with me. I pleasure him exclusively. I am rather tired of the one man show but I try to remember this is how he felt for several years. Two wrongs does not make this right but I can understand his feelings. It just hurts me though, that he does not want to consider my feelings anymore."<P>First NoMoh, I agree two wrongs don't make a right but I'm getting the impression from you that you feel you owe him something based on the past. Do what you do for him out of love - and not for any other reason. As for you, do you tell him to kiss you? Do you tell him what you want? A true gentleman will derive pleasure from pleasuring his mate. It should not be one way all the time. <P>Take care and keep us posted.<P>-Kathy<P>

DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR MIL!<BR>You’re just asking for more grief if you do.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

WG-thanks for taking the time to respond to my post. I do agree that talking to the OW or MIL might bring me more pain. What I am most concerned about is letting them see my vulnerability. Why give my enemies the joy of seeing me down and hurting.<P>As for the Sex thing. You are right. I have told him that I want more affection and more intimacy. He said he would be more attentive to my needs. We shall see.<P><BR>As soon as I got home yesterday my H initiated an OR talk with me. He said he understands my episodes but it is taking such an emotional toll on him that he thinks he would rather move out than deal with it. I said you just want to run away from the crisis you have created. I said that the trauma of the A will take a long time to heal. He said I need to confront both women and just move on. He said when I get into my episodes that all the hairs on his back is raised, his stomach tenses up and fear eats away at him. I did not know this. I thought it was only me experiencing these things. It was a great eye opener for me. At least I don't feel so alone anymore. He said he loves me, is sorry for everything, but he cannot talk about the A anymore. He wants us to bury it and move on, if not then we need to part. <P>I responded by saying that we will never be out of each other's lives because of the children. A divorce would not solve anything as we still both loved each other. The children would be the main ones to suffer from a divorce and I did not want to put them through any more pain and trauma. <P>He agreed, said he loved me and said he wanted us to work out. He finally seemed to understand that he betrayed me twice - with the OW and with his mother. He also understood that the betrayal with his mother hurt me most of all. I said you let her into our marriage when we were most vulnerable. He told her personal, intimate details of our marriage and about me which she should never know. I said she used it purposely to try to destroy me. She saw me last summer and saw how much weight I had lost. I did not know at the time that she knew of my H's affair. She fairly gloated and said she never thought she would see me so slim. Looking back I am so humuliated that she saw me at my most vulnerable and I did not know my H had told her of the A. She is going around telling extended family members that I had lost so much weight because I was grieving for my H. She made it sound like such a bad thing.<P>She constantly calls him on his cell phone-never the home phone. She is constantly asking him if he is sure he wants to work it out with me. She told him I was a sorry wife that is why he found someone else. <P>I do not call her evil lightly. She is genuinely an evil person. He finally told me yesterday that he would cut all contact with his mother if it would make me feel better. I did not know what to say. I am still thinking on this one.<P>Chris, I know you are right. Confronting her would lead to more pain. She would laugh in my face and tell me that if I was a horrible wife and her son had to find someone else. She would forever have that to rub into my wounds. Does she care about morals, values? No, she did the same thing to her family. She betrayed her husband, lived with the OM openly and shamelessly. So, it is true that infidelity runs in families.

Hi,<P>Well, how does your H feel about your relationship with your MIL and yourself? I would like to share my story on this subject. <P>In Aug 00, our 10th anniversary that never happened. I felt the need to sit both in-laws down for a talk. MIL did not like me either, FIL did. They are divorced and MIL was married to an ex-con who was prejudice. MIL was not prejudice. <P>The discussion was brief. I asked that they both as parents of 12 children, to do 2 things: <P>1. Be nice to their children. Act like parents. <P>2. Though divorced, they should be civil with each other. <BR> MIL owes monthly portion of the morgage to FIL which <BR> she is always late and behind on. <P>RE: All family issues where coming across my dining room table 'every week' for 10 years. <P>I had a nerve rash that would not go away. 3 days after talking with them it disappeared. H was angry that I would even confront his mother. I felt I had not choice. <P>Mind you at this time H was already doing the dirty deed and just starting up with the current OW. <P>From then til now, MIL's 2nd H died (he was an evil but sickly man). The day after her H's funeral, MIL came over to say that even though I might not want to talk to her, she wanted to come and offer her help. She walkted out to her son who was in the garage moving his equipment out of our home. She told her son that she did not agree with his choice but if he needed a place to stay he was welcome to stay with her. Then she came in and talked to me. I listened and cried and hugged her. She acted so different, I could not help myself. She was warm loving and kind. Very different from the cold angry woman I had known previously. <P>Now she told me why. You see, she had been in an 11 year A with a MM. This man had other OWs and his wife knew it. MIL met with OM's W and they talked after MIL had married her 2nd H. MIL broke off the A and recovered. MIL wanted me to know she knew why my H (her son) was acting the way he was but that I should not accept it. <P>MIL asked what she could do to help. I asked for her to periodically check on us. She has done that every week. Mind you she has 12 children all grown yet she takes the time every week to call me. That is progress. <P>So should you talk to your MIL? I can't really say, except I am glad I did. <P>My dad always said: "Mean what you say and say what you mean." <P>L.