my wife innocently met a man in a chat room. her conversations with him quickly led to cyber and phone sex. after about a month he convinced her to leave me and move to be with him. she suffers from depression and was very vulnerable at this time. she capitualted and told me she wanted a divorce. shortly thereafter, and very uncharacteristic of her, she quit her job, forced her son to move with his father, and left to be with him (although she told everyone she was going to live with a former female coworker). less than a week after she left she called me frantic. she admitted she left me for a man, said she made a terrible mistake and it was only for sex, and wanted me to take her back and come get her. i dropped everything and went and got her. since then we have talked a lot about what led to her actions, and she claims she doesn't know why she did it, other than she thought she was getting away from her troubles. this has been the worst experience of my life and i have struggled with it. in fact, i am now dependent on an anti-depressant. my wife is on her depression medication again and has been a new woman. she has been nothing less than perfect. but, i still struggle with what happened. so many things remind me of it. i told her i forgive her, but i can't forget. i want so much to have accountability, for my wife, and for the guy she was with. my wife is accountable because she knows i do not trust her, and her actions are scrutinized. he, on the other hand, got off scott free. how can i overcome these feelings of resentment and for vengence?

I have never been a religious or even spiritual person. Now that I've gone through such hell with my WH, I've taken a deeper look at myself, and am finally finding a compassionate, caring person deep inside.<P>Remember: Vengence is mine (saith the Lord). I hope that the God I have faith in is less merciful than the God others worship. I'd like to think there's a special place in hell for those who hurt others selfishly and don't ask forgiveness from those whom they've hurt. I go by the credo that "They'll get theirs, someday." I just hope I'm there to see God show that wrath to them.<P>I can empathize with your feelings of vengance and wanthing retribution. Find an outlet for it. And post here when it bets to be overwhelming.<P>Good luck to you.

Since you are new to this site you might want to start by heading the material here and finding out what Marriage Builders is about. One of the members here has but together a great road map to help explore the site and the concepts. It's a good place to start.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009007.html</A> <P>Do the the book, "Surviving an Affair". That book and the others by Dr. Harley have saved my sanity and my marriage. In March of this year I found that over the last 2.5 years my husband had several affairs with women he met over the internet. During that time we were engaged and then married. Our first anniversay is in 6 days. <P>In this web site you have found a very good place. One that has helped many of us through the frustration, anger, pain, guilt and shame that are associated with affairs. <P>How can you overcome these feelings of resentment and vengence? With time and a lot of work. Both you and your wife will need to be 100% committed to this effort.<P>If I were you I would be very careful about extracting revenge on the OM (other man) at this point. It could actually cause your wife to have sympathy for him. <P>Look into the no contact letter that Dr. Harley suggests. It is a very important first step. Then, if you feel so inclinded to rake the OM over the coals, do so. Perhaps in a letter sent with the no contact letter. However, I am not sure that this is a good idea. By addressing him directly you are giving him more power in your relationship then he should have. My gut feeling is to just cut him out of your lives like the cancer he is.<P>Welcome,<BR>Z