After my EA was discovered 2 yrs ago, my H and I basically entered limbo land. We spoke only about the children, fought over hurt feelings, wrestled verbally many times over "whose fault" this was. We separated but remained in the same home. It has been a very tense, miserable 2 years that surely everyone has suffered greatly for.<P>After these 2 years of unbearable living, H and I sought attorneys and proceeded with divorce filings. <P>Once filed, it seemed that a lot of the relationship friction was eliminated between us. However the fight for division of everything and custody had not had time to begin. I'm quite certain that it would have been heated as we both had very different ideas of what was fair and just, and extreme differing thoughts on custody arrangements. That and basically we are both just fighters when we think that we have a just cause. <P>To make a long story short, H didn't move out due to financial reasons. With the fighting gone, we tried to be friendly and civil to each other. Finally communicating after 2 yrs of conflict. For many reasons we both decided that remaining married would be the best choice for us if it were possible and we agreed to attend counseling.<P>Counseling hasn't proven to be earth shattering, though H is eager to attend it. The counselor focuses only on making this better and the here and now - do this, do that. He seems to want only me to change my lifestyle and schedules to meet those of my H's instead of offering suggestions on new ways to handle the reality. (Why would I be the only one that has to make accomodations?) <BR>Anyway, the counselor keeps pressing for emotional and physical intimacy and I guess that I need to further discuss all the problems and resentment that have harbored for 2 decades until I can move forward. My H is still full of blame of me ruining this "perfectly wonderful marriage" when in fact his actions (or lack of actions) caused me distress for 10 yrs. H acts like he is so much the victim. <BR>When H was asked what he needs from this relationship to be strong and to move forward, his single reply was "sex".<P>I don't yet feel emotional attachment to my H. (I do want to remain married though and *DO*think that this marriage could be great and strong. I *DO* love my H, but need to fall in love with him again I guess) <BR>And for me I *need* to feel that emotional attachment to have any desires for physical intimacy. (Am I the only one like this?) I see something terribly wrong with having sex because the counselor says that it is important that I do this and as quickly as possible to make the marriage stronger. I am thinking that one should actually WANT to do it and be aroused to do it. Can you imagine if a counselor told a male that he HAD to do it to?? This would be physically impossible if the desire wasn't there. Seems absurd (and sexist) that he would suggest that I do this!<P>In addition, at least since filing (maybe before), I have evidence that H has had been in a relationship(s). H doesn't know that I know this information (was saving it for use during the D). So I don't know if it is still continuing, was brief, was with one or many. <P>First it drives me crazy that H stands so judgmental and blameful of my A, while he obviously is/was doing the same thing. (Pot calling the kettle black!!!!!!)<P>Secondly I don't know who he has been with and I'm not eager to have sex with him not knowing what diseases he could be passing on to me. There would be no reason to have protected sex, so how would I request that it always be used???? <P>As if this wasn't enough, I also know that H has hidden cash funds. (Again, he isn't aware that I know this - saving it for the D case) We are currently having some financial struggles (gave $1000's to attorneys that we had to borrow, other bills as well) and are trying to come up with a plan to be able to live month to month. H is suggesting that we sell our home and move to somewhere smaller to be able to meet bills. However, I KNOW that he has other funds (don't know the $$) and it just really ticks me off that he has funds sitting when we so need to pay off bills. But I can't bring up the subject either so it just eats away at me. <P>H is really being nice and attentive overall. I do think that he wants to remain married. I do think that he loves me, but these issues are major blocks to me being able to move forward in this relationship.<P>If anyone has any advice, please share. I do want this relationship to progress, but need to feel like I am ready to do so and not being PUSHED into doing it.<P>Thanks for reading, sorry so long (It was longer before, I edited!) <P><BR>[This message has been edited by Waiting2Exhale (edited May 30, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Waiting2Exhale (edited May 30, 2001).]

U both can't begin to move forward until everything is brought out into the open. You say you know that H has had an affair and that he has cash hidden away. If this is true then you will never be able to move forward because you will always have that resentment towards him for acting HOLIER THAN THOU when he has skeleton's in his closet. I think when you go to counseling you should let your H know that you know about these 2 issues. If he asks how you know, all you have to say is "HOW I KNOW is not the issue, so that will not be discussed, the issue is 1. your affair, 2. money hidden." You will continue to harbor resentment if TOTAL HONESTY is not given on both sides.