Hello,<BR>I am new to this site, just found it yesterday. I wish so badly I had found it a few weeks ago. <BR>First off, I don't know how y'all will feel about me because I was an OW. I felt terrible about it, and we finished it off and vowed never to be in contact again (we tried lots of times before finally finishing it off.) No one knew (we went to church together- I know, it sounds terrible!)but we were able to hide it, but it was hard to end it because I saw him so much and he would smile at me or stare at me and even though I was trying so hard to fight things, he kept on with those kind of things and they would blow my mind.<BR>The way I stopped the control he had over me was that I told my H about it. When I told him about it, it had been over, I had gone through a lot of "withdrawals" and had recently (for the umpteenth time) told the OM that I felt terrible about it and wanted to be a good wife and mom again. <BR>My H almost divorced me , couldn't believe that I would ever have done such a thing, (even though for years he had accused me of liking other people because his first wife did him so wrong- I had no idea he trusted me because he was always so untrusting!)but he realized he loved me and he couldn't leave me. <BR>H had cheated on his first wife way back and when I was pouring my heart out to him the first few days after d-day, he told me he understood how hard it was to quit that sort of thing. He told me that it was like you go crazy for a while. He read the Prodigal Son to me and the part where the son realized what he did, it says he "came to himself" and so he said that that was how he was, that it was like he wasn't himself and that he knows that I wasn't myself while I was doing what I was doing. <P>So, we are really doing well over all. We are both afraid that our old problems will crop up, which in a nutshell was his super negative and critical attitude towards life and his family, and my finally getting fed up with it.I got to the point that I was very impatient with him and anger was at the surface a lot.<P>Here's how the affair began:<BR> <BR>I wish so badly I had found this site before I ever confronted the OM with my feelings about him. I was having trouble with my feelings for him , and guilt was about to eat me up, because it just isn't right to like someone while you are married to someone else. I had battled with it for months, and his smiles and stares and squeezing my hand didn't help any. I would pray fervently and God would help me and then H and I would argue and then OM would do some of the things that blew my mind and then I would think things I shouldn't have. . I was getting so upset with myself because I had never had a sin that I liked committing, and thinking of him was something that was enjoyable so I'd lapse into it. <BR>Anyway, I decided that I just needed to tell OM that I had these innappropriate feelings and ask him to quit giving me so much attention.I honestly wish I had realized how stupid that was. When I told him that I had "inappropriate feelings" for him and that I needed him to ignore me, it was punching a hole in a dam. He said " I am crazy(wish I could put crazy in italics, he said it with such force) about you, I have always liked you , and I have often wished things were different (that we were married to each other). He even told me in that conversation that he loved me! I was blown away. I told him that I never expected to hear that he liked me so much , I just contacted him because I thought that the only way to get over this was to tell him and him help me by treating me differently. He was a preacher and I thought the world of him- I was sure he would do what should be done. <P>He continued to call me for a while and I fell so deeply in love that I couldn't think straight. I began to feel like I had found my soulmate. We thought alike on nearly everything and he told me I was his best friend. He said a little negative about his wife, I said a little negative about my H but mainly we just talked about each other.We got a method set up for me to contact him. I was to page him, put in a code and he would call me in return. I did and he did . I would complain that it made me look badly to call him and he said that it had to be that way because my kids could answer the phone. <BR>We met a few times but didn't have sex, but did a lot of hugging and kissing. He and I both said No Sex! but toward the end of the relationship, he asked me for it in a round about way. I told him no.<BR>He started asking me if I would give him a pair of my panties. I thought that was strange, but he (supposedly)loved me so much and had told me that if he ever thought I didn't love him anymore it would break his heart, so I finally gave him a pair. He also asked for a key to my house to have as a "token" . I was so dumb. I gave him one, but never for him to use . He never has come in my house and done anything with me, ever. <P>He used to say that he had thought of taking me away from my family and having me for all his own, but I told him I could never do that. <BR>Then we met another time and he begged me. "What if I say please?" he said. His eyes were begging me and I gave in. I didn't even take all my clothes off. What happened after that was not good. He did things to me that were degrading. I was confused - I would have thought he would be gentle and kind, but he did something nasty. I just can't describe it, I can't stand the thought of typing it. <P>He later called and begged forgiveness. He said he felt he had used me and wished we could get together and he could "treat me right". At that time I was so crushed that I said never oculd we ever meet again. He said he felt the same.(!) Then, a few weeks later, we talked again. He said he wanted to see me so I said I could (!) I met him and he immediately went for you know what. He would touch me in places and I asked him to please quit. I looked at him in surprise and said "You want to make love?", and he said yes. I didn't take my clothes off this time either, except my hose and panties. I closed my eyes the whole time. I felt terrible. I cried all the way home, begging the Lord to forgive me. <P>We never met anymore after that, except once when he came to drop a check by my houes. He asked me for a kiss and I kissed him. He told me he missed me, etc...<P>We called each other at different times in between and he would tell me that he wanted to see me again so badly. I wouldn't answer that sometimes and then at times I'd ask him if he wanted to. I made it clear I wouldn't want sex. He seemed not to want to meet then. He said he was afraid he couldn't control himself if he was around me. <P>Keep in mind that all throughout this, I was so terribly depressed, feeling so horrible and undeserving of all the blessings the Lord had bestowed upon me. I saw his family and he at church 3 times a week and it wore me down- I lost 18 lbs, I felt terrible! But, he was so charming, so attractive and I was so lonely that I couldn't hardly control myself. I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.<P>Once we all went to a resturant together. I didn't know his family was going but when I found out, I tried to get out of going. My H wanted to go, though so we did. At the resturant, I wanted the women on one end of the table, the men at the other end and tried to work it out like that, but it didnt', and he sat caddy- cornered to me. He put his foot over on me and I froze. It felt so good! I rubbed his leg in return. I finally moved my legs, but I felt like such a creep for participating in that that I could hardly wait to call him the next morning to ask him to leave me alone. I asked him if he remembered the first time I called , how that I needed him to leave me alone He said he remembered. I said that I was at that point again, that I needed him to leave me alone. <P>He did for a while and I thought that things were going well, when I sent a fax to his office asking for a check early. He called me then , saying his fax machine was torn up and all he could see on my fax was my name, so he thought he'd call and see what I wanted. I told him I'd like to have our check before he went on a trip, if he could give it to his bookkeeper or leave it at the bank I could get it that way. He asked if it would be a bad idea if he came by and I said YES. I felt so glad I did that! <P>Well, that following Sunday I told my H. about the A. We had had an argument and he insulted me terribly and I told him. I was ready for the marriage to end, I thought, because we had become so hopeless-arguing so much. <P>It all hit the fan. When OM found out he declared that I had called him, begged him for his body until he gave in.He said he felt used!!! Puh-leez! Up to this point, I thought that he was in love with me like I was with him , but the more lies he told the more I saw what kind of idiot he was/is. I now have a terrible attitude towards him. H is worried I'll love OM again, to that I say no way! <P>I have found out that OM has confessed that he has said nasty things to women and that he has a bad problem with that sort of thing. He says that needs someone with him at all times. I agree. He is a nasty pervert in my opinion. <P>So I would like to hear what you all have to say, but first I'd like to say that I have never had bad reputation . I am a pretty good 37 yo mom of 3 and have lots of good friends. I am known for being down to earth and easy to talk to, along with a devoted daughter. The news of my mistake blew a lot of people's minds, but most have rushe to my side. For instance, my sister in law was very angry at me for hurting her brother until she heard who it was with. He had actually asked her for sex in years past, so she came to me and we compared notes. He had used some of the same lines on her as he did on me!! He was also beginning to flirt with her and he had been eyeing my 14 year old daughter to boot!! <BR>I am so very glad he is gone from my life. I feel like I can worship again, but before with him there looking at me (sometimes I liked it), I couldn't devote myself to the Lord. Now I enjoy church so much better!<P>I'd like to hear your feedback. Please also understand that I am so terribly sorry for what I did and I have come very close to suicide several times during this, yesterday morning being the most recent. <BR>Thanks,<BR>f.<P><P>------------------<BR>

Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<P>About your post: Is the minister gone from the pulpit? I didn't see that anywhere in your post.<P>I understand what happened to you. I attended a very abusive church and the minister came on to me several times during my marriage - I was the church secretary.<P>He was very charasmatic, charming and good looking. Nothing ever happened between us, but I did tell my then-H and he took care of it. We ended up leaving the church and it was one of the hardest things we'd gone through.<P>You're in the right place, <B>wentcrazy</B>!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Your story with this fake "minister" is so sick that he needs to be exposed!! If not a young girl is going to be raped or has been already. What he did to you sounds similar to rape so imagine a 14 year old girl!!

wentcrazy - you will be welcome here. Your sincerity comes through.<P>Will you PLEASE expose this slimeball? - not for revenge, but to protect others.<P>WAT

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B>wentcrazy - you will be welcome here. Your sincerity comes through.<P>Will you PLEASE expose this slimeball? - not for revenge, but to protect others.<P>WAT</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thak you, Sheryl, Beautiful and WAT for your kind words! They are so much help!!! <BR>My H has come home early so I have to make this very brief. <BR>The OM has quit preaching, has admitted that he has severe problems but his wife thinks I caused it all.<BR>I have so many people looking down on me, yet so many upholding me, but I can't forgive myself. <BR>I hate it that I have to go so soon, but H is here and I have to be good to him and give him lots of attention. I love him so much, he has been so good to me! <BR>I will be back on to see what more is posted ASAP<BR>Thanks,<BR>F<P>

Well, I am back. I wish I could have continued yesterday, because i was really needing to talk.<P>My H is very opposed to this site. <B>He hasn't even seen it</B> but yesterday we almost had an argument because he was saying it wasn't good for me and I was saying he hadn't even seen it. He is afraid that it will make me feel better towards the OM. I told him that the OM is a sick pervert in my opinion and that he used me and now is lying about me. I never want to see him again! <P>I looked up pschopathic personalities and found the description of charismatic pschopaths and it fit the OM almost perfectly. I have done all I can to expose him and he is being watched, but I can't hardly do much more because it would make me look even worse. He is very slick in his workings, and since he has repented of some stuff in addition to what he has done with me, then he will be somewhat protected because he is supposedly trying to do better. I know I have to refrain from judging him but I know he is still maintaining his lies about me so that makes it hard for me to think he is sincere in his repentance.<P>H finally agreed to let me look at the site with a promise that he would too. He hasn't yet but I am going to continue because he said that I could. I think he needs to let me do some things instead of keeping me in a cage.(It's been 3+ months since I told H about the A and almost a year since last sexual contact with OM.) Sometimes I think he would rather I just stay here at the house and not talk to many people (he's always been that way somewhat) but I don't believe that is healthy.(H is very controlling- that was a huge part of our problem throughout our 12 year marriage.)<P>We have used our own methods to get over all this so far and they have been very similar to those I have read about. I really like the Love Bank and Love Busters stuff.I want to bring that up to him soon even if he doesn't get to this site.<BR> <BR>I am still feeling so terribly guilty. I know that when one reads my first post, they may think that I shouldn't because I was used, but I feel I should never have put myself in that position. I shouldn't have loved another in the first place. I have a lot of good friends that have never done such as this and I feel like I am not in the same category as they are anymore. I find it terribly hard to look at them sometimes. Most are very sweet to me, but lately I am afraid that they are drifting away from me. <BR>You see, the OM's family went to a church down the road and so now they go there and naturally the people are getting closer to them. The thing is, all my other friends go there too. I am so worried that I will lose them eventually. I have been told by 2 of them that I have nothing to worry about, but I still do. OM's wife is a very emotional person that has a real way with words. She comes across as syrupy sweet while stabbing you in the back. I don't trust her at all, since I have caught her in many lies in times past. <P>Soon I go to pick up my sister who has lived a very sheltered life. She has been in the community that the OM lives in this week (visiting from another state) and has been going to church at that congregation. I know it must be hard for her to see me, this is the first time we have been together since the stuff came out. <P>I don't know how I'll be able to handle having her here for 2 days. I look at her (I avoid much eye contact) and wonder what she could think of me. I used to think that people that did what I did were nasty and that may be one reason God let me do it. I have more compassion on those who err now. She treats me well, but I have let her down so much. <P>So, anyway, you can see that I have a lot going on . I haven't even mentioned the other factors , but I need to shut up and see if someone can give me some feedback. <P>I hope you all have a great day. <BR>Thanks so much,<BR>F<p>[This message has been edited by wentcrazy (edited May 31, 2001).]

Went Crazy;<BR>so sorry - this is a horrible story. My OM was never abusive to me and for a while was a true friend. Still - although I avoid him we have remained somewhat friends and I would never fear him, or fear that he would ever harm me in a terrible way or be dangerous.<P>I think your husband is correct - I get the impression that your husband is fearful of this man's influence on you and he is correct so no-contact is certainly the best thing to do.<P>I sent you my e-mail address and will be happy to chat with you...my husband isnt really interested in this site but he knows I read here and doesnt discourage it.<P>many hugs,<BR>Scuba<P>

Hi, Scuba,<BR>I emailed you earlier- let me know if you didn't get the post. <BR>Looking very forward to talking to you!<BR>F

WELCOME!<P>I can relate to the non support for the hubby regarding this site. Ask anyone on here, my husband is anti-MB. Nonetheless, I am here and it helps.<BR>I too am the betraying wife (it's not getting any easier to type that either.) I too cant stand the site, thought etc of the OM. Though my details are not as horrifying as yours they are similar. The OM told his wife it was all my fault which she believes. Very stange considering he has been unfaithful before. Thankfully my husband understands their familiy dynamics and knows I am telling the truth that he and I were equal in persuing the A. For a long time it bugged me that the OM wife and some of their friends and familiy thought it was my fault. After awhile i though "who cares what they think. The time i spend perseverating over blame can time i am not spending working on my marriage and my relationship with Christ. Which i might add is essential.<P>Anyway my new friend, you got a friend in me.<BR>I do not have my email address listed because my husband reads my email occasionaly and it would be a trigger for him. If you would like to direct a question or comment to a specific person i would encourage you to put their name in the Topic line.<BR>Keep in touch. <p>[This message has been edited by Heart's Cry (edited May 31, 2001).]

Hi, Heart's Cry,(new friend!- thanks so much!)<BR>Thanks for responding! I was typing a response last night and H came in so I had to quit. I sure wish he'd look at the site, but as long as he lets me do it I'll be here. <P>It is so hard for me to deal with people thinking I am some kind of hussy, but I guess that is what I get for slipping up the way I did.They will see in time that I am the same person I used to be.<P><BR>I have had company- my sister and family- it's hard, but has been getting better. <P><BR>I used to wonder if the OM really cared for me and somewhere in his twisted persona I think he did, but I don't care any more.Some people really think he did because all the things he liked so much about me were things that his W lacked. I know he sure seemed like he thought just like I did, he told me I was his best friend and that he wished this and that- but I think that as the A wore on and got closer to being sexual, his nasty pervertedness took over. <P>I didn't mean to say that he abused me as in he hurt me, but it was a degrading sort of thing that he did. I don't mean to sound like I am taking up for him because he disgusts me, it's just that I feel I have to be fair. <P>He was very manipulative, though, and when I think of all the things he did that prompted me to respond certain ways (for instance, I believe that in the beginning he was trying to make me not have sex with my H.)makes me think that I was used not only because he likes to conquer women , but he also had a bad attitude towards my husband. He constantly told me that H didn't deserve me and that he would treat me much better than H did if he could have me. <P>It doesn't really matter, since my H is my best friend , and I am so thankful to have him. It's just that I really thought it , thought OM loved me so much, and then when everything exploded he lied on me so badly it blew my mind. His wife told me he had laughed when he told her about flaws in my body, and if she is telling me the truth, that should tell me, right? I can't imagine laughing about someone's flaws in their body... (Besides, she is very overweight and I have a pretty good figure...)<P><BR>One thing is for sure. You can't keep a good woman down and I am a good woman. I just did a stupid thing and now, I am going to be the best I can be. (I feel good tonight!)<P>I'd better get offa here so I can finish supper. I may not be on much since I have company but next week (well, have visitors coming then too, but they're fishing buddies of H) I hope to be on here more. It has helped talking to those that were betrayers and are deeply sorry, 'cause that's how I feel. <P>Y'all have a great weekend!<BR>F<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by wentcrazy (edited June 01, 2001).]