This is for all those BS's out there. I would like to<BR>apologize to the woman I hurt. I realize that nothing<BR>I can say or do will ever make up for the hurt she has and <BR>is experiencing. When I finally came out of the fog enough<BR>to see the hurt my family was experiencing and to shake<BR>off the feelings that I had a "right to be happy at any cost" I discovered that I made a terrible mistake in looking<BR>to her husband to meet the needs my husband should have doing. There are many things about my A that I have no guilt over, but hurting her isn't one of them. I would like<BR>to apologize to her, but I doubt it would be received at all. Her whole life fell apart. I now realized that I was<BR>used so he could get out of his marriage. He never really wanted into another relationship, but to have his freedom<BR>without just up and leaving. <BR>Would any of you out there be willing to give me your opinions on this? I don't want to do anything that would<BR>cause her further pain or for the OM to contact me in any way.<BR>Thanks,<BR>dlm (debbie)

I personally would have liked a sincere, short, apology. Nothing you can say will take the pain away but atleast she will know that you are aware of the pain caused by your selfish actions. If you decide to apologize, I would write a letter and post it to the board to get opinions.

I'm not sure even an apology would help me. The OW is four times married. I guess she hasn't had enough husbands. I am also aware of other EA's (and alleged PA's). I think of her as a serial OW, my MIL calls her the 'maneater.'<P>I applaud you for your sincerity. I hope that you come to have a relationship with God, for in Him you find true forgiveness.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

I agree with BrokenDreamsX. If you would like to post a letter here, we will give you suggestions.<P>K

I've been on both sides and let me tell you how I see it... it doesn't HEAL to hear an apology (or to give one) but it HELPS.<P>I met with one of my ex's OW and it was positively creepy. She brought a Bible, said he "loved us both" and hugged me. But, for some reason, it did help me to get through the whole thing. The others: one OW's H met with me, and he got his W outta my H's clutches, and the others I never met. I did meet with "Pool woman" who he didn't have an affair with, but a flirtation with. She came to me, then her H, to tell me to tell my H to stay away.<P>I was also, in the 18th year of our marriage, an OW, and I apologized, over IM to the common-law wife of the OM. I know it helped because she quit harrassing me after that. I had ended the affair months before.<P>So, take that as you will... I think it's ALWAYS a good idea to SINCERELY offer an apology. Just don't expect miracles.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Your post literally brought me to tears.<BR>The OW did apologize to me on the phone one night. I've talked to her several times on the phone.<BR>But what made it hard for me....was that she apologized and then they started back up 2 weeks later. My H being the initiator this time. She said she felt sorry for him.<BR>Funny how each time it started up it was because one felt sorry for the other.<BR>I have talked to her only once since my H broke it off with her by phone. I let her know exactly how I felt and exactly what I expected to happen....no contact.<BR>She didn't have much to say....she's the type that clams up when put on the spot.<BR>I would really love to be able to talk to her face to face one day.

Thank you all for replying. As I was thinking about what to say, I remember that about 4 or so months ago, someone<BR>sent the ex-wife an apology in her email. It wasn't signed and sounded as if it could have come from either me or her ex. We were still seeing each other then. She sent me a<BR>letter in the mail telling me that she would never forgive me, ever. And I still have the letter. I did not write<BR>that apology and the ex (OM) said he didn't either, but he<BR>defended her vigorouly that she wouldn't have done it herself just so she could call him. I think that episode was the beginning of my real wake-up call. And the first <BR>time I really understood how hurt she was. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. When I was lost in the "fog" I didn't give a thought to anyone elses feelings.<BR>But that is off the point. The point being that after reading that letter again. I have decided that I should not<BR>send her an apology at this time, maybe never. I don't want the OM to come find out what is going on by it. And I don't want to make her relive those memories again or<BR>bring them up to the forfront of her mind. She has moved<BR>to the city her daughter's family lives in and I don't have any address except her email address.<P>And I do have a relationship with God, that is why, I know<BR>I am truly forgiven for all this mess, but I have to live with consequences each day and that is very hard. But I am so thankful that when God forgives, He also forgets.<P>Anyways, thanks, all for helping. If you think I should go ahead and send her an aplogy thru her email, let me know.<BR>I just don't want to stir that hornet's nest up.<P>dlm (debbie)