I'm new here, sorry if I don't have the acronyms down. I did read the Surviving an Affair book. My dday was 3+ mos. ago. We saw a counselor for awhile, but about a month ago she (WS) said she needed to only work on herself, to make herself happy, that she can't be happy in a marriage if she isn't happy and loving herself. "How can I love you if I don’t love myself?" She said me trying to work on the marriage while her trying to work on herself were conflicting goals and she can't have that pressure. She can’t make any promise she will ever want to work on the marriage. That broke my heart more than the A. We have two kids (3,5), live under same roof (different rooms) and share a lot of time together (family, gardening, etc.). I'm trying hard to give her the space she wants, let go, give her what she's asking for, for awhile. But everyday is difficult, some more than others. It's hard to be positive when the resentment keeps building within me, and she walks around as if everything is fine. I don’t know how long I can do this. How do I keep my head up w/o showing resentment or hurt or expectation or hope? It's so hard. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. She asked we don’t talk about it at all, let her figure herself out on her own. So I stopped asking to talk. How long will I have to wait? How do I keep my mind off it? How do I get through the day, the week, the months? How do I get her and it out of my mind when we’re living together still? Sitting here in limbo, waiting for the dice to roll…

Well, as the song goes, "welcome to my nightmare"...<P>You are exactly where I was six months ago, right down to the identical ages of my kids.<P>Every day was a struggle, and in the end, my W (WS), decided to move out.<P>I went into Plan B, and have never looked back. I now feel great about myself, about my choices and decisions, and about life. My W, OTOH, is a complete mess... She has realized how badly she screwed up, and is trying to find ways to fix the mess. I am not making any efforts to "help" her, since this is her show. Who would have thought a year ago, when I got the "not in love with you" speech, that things would work out this way.<P>Anyway, back to you... My first and most important question is: has her affair ended, or is it still underway?<P>Have you performed a self assessment, to evaluate your behaviors from the past that contributed to the problems in the marriage? Have you taken steps to improve in those areas (Plan A)?<P>Harley's methodology does work, but it takes great courage and strength to follow through the plans, while your spouse typically craps all over you. Not pretty, but worth it in the end...<P>AGG

lig,<BR>I feel for ya,it ain't easy being us. <BR>You have taken the first step by coming here. I suggest getting His Need/Her needs by Dr. Harley, Also love busters. Try the tele-counseling,its well worth it. I'm 2 months into the seperation and found out about the OM 10 days ago, I now feel in control. 2 kids 4.5 and 1 year. She is still seeing him and it hurts like hell, but I know I will win, either way I will win. Take control, get an antidepressant.Study this site, read every article that applys. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lig:<BR><B>I'm new here, sorry if I don't have the acronyms down. I did read the Surviving an Affair book. My dday was 3+ mos. ago. We saw a counselor for awhile, but about a month ago she (WS) said she needed to only work on herself, to make herself happy, that she can't be happy in a marriage if she isn't happy and loving herself. "How can I love you if I don’t love myself?" She said me trying to work on the marriage while her trying to work on herself were conflicting goals and she can't have that pressure. She can’t make any promise she will ever want to work on the marriage. That broke my heart more than the A. We have two kids (3,5), live under same roof (different rooms) and share a lot of time together (family, gardening, etc.). I'm trying hard to give her the space she wants, let go, give her what she's asking for, for awhile. But everyday is difficult, some more than others. It's hard to be positive when the resentment keeps building within me, and she walks around as if everything is fine. I don’t know how long I can do this. How do I keep my head up w/o showing resentment or hurt or expectation or hope? It's so hard. I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. She asked we don’t talk about it at all, let her figure herself out on her own. So I stopped asking to talk. How long will I have to wait? How do I keep my mind off it? How do I get through the day, the week, the months? How do I get her and it out of my mind when we’re living together still? Sitting here in limbo, waiting for the dice to roll…</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

AGoodGuy, Thanks for the reply. The OM moved across country three days after dday. The last time my wife & I talked regarding the affair was mid-April, two months into it. The feedback I got was that she had talked to him a couple times since he moved, but they were ending it. She "wanted to let him go since he was young and single and should find somebody else w/o the troubles she has." I think they have talked a few times since, but I don't ask. Part of the position I'm in is letting her decide it all on her own. I figure what matters is what she does in the end, because she decided to do it, rather than me pressuring her to do it. So, I think the affair is ended, but I don't know. A common friend assures me it has, but she lied to me so why would she tell them the truth? <P>I have performed some self-assessments with my personal counselor, but not the Harley one, I will. I am improving myself all the time. I can see some of the problems that we had in our communication especially, and am working on change. I'm more motivated to change these things for my relationship w/ my kids than her. Though I love her and hope we make it through this, I can't get motivated from that.<P>When you say Harley’s methodology works, my concern comes from the Plan A. I am mostly Plan A'ing now, although there are elements of Plan B since we don't discuss the issue at all. I have not seen many posts with Plan A success. So I wonder how long to Plan A before Plan B? Can plan A work? I would rather not get to Plan B. I am learning so much about myself by having the interaction w/ her. And I feel for the kids. Also we would be in dire financial straits with two residences. So, how long to be in Limbo before Plan B? Can A work? Thanks LIG<BR>