W, say's that if have changed I need to prove it in my actions. We are seperated, I see her duing family time and we speak every other day, mostly about the kids. Any ideas on how I convert Plan A reailzations into actions? I asked her what I need to prove it and she dos'nt have an answer. <P>Any ideas on how I can put my words to actions??<P>JK<BR>

JK,<P>First I want to address the images thing from your other post. It is a weird thing, because I went through it. Last Aug was when I confirmed PA, although suspected before that. From Aug till Jan I had the luxury of reading her emails and letters she typed. These were full of all kinds of sickening stuff, and it was not easy to read, but somehow I had to know what I was dealing with.<P>I think knowing that these people are in a total fantasyland and like alcoholics or drug addicts helps a bit. Your wife is addicted to the feeling she gets from this. I'm sure Steve has told you this kind of stuff.<P>You wonder (and I still do) how they can be so bizarre. Just look at what they are willing to give up to be with these losers. Family, children, spouse, houses, you name it, they don't care. Tells you how deep the fantasy goes.<P>Time is probably the thing that is going to help the most. Somehow, you have to determine what your goal is. If it is saving your marriage, then you have to dig really deep to find the strength to Plan A despite the awful feelings you get from this. It is not easy at all. You come here and post/read when the going gets rough. But it will get better in time.<P>As far as Plan A goes, it isn't so easy to say what actions should you do. That is unique for each of us. You need to know the things that were wrong in your marriage. What did you do when you were first dating and married? What was missing lately? What are your W ENs? Figure all that out. It is important to not be a sad puppy dog around your wife. You can tell her you are hurt, but any action on your part that isn't attractive to any woman won't help you win your wife back. So be strong and look after yourself.<P>We all tend to want to have this magic list of concrete actions that our spouses will notice immediately and say "hey, he changed". It doesn't work like that. You have to demonstrate change over a long time, in the face of the affair, and be there when your wife comes out of the fog. That is when all the effort in Plan A will pay off.<P>Are there things that you wanted to do but never did? Things you gave up because you were married or too busy? Have tons of fun with the kids. Play games, bake together, just be the best Dad you can be, make your place fun, buy some new clothes, go out a bit with friends. All these things are not necessarily pure ENs, but it is all about you being a better you. That becomes attractive.<P>I know this sound like a bunch of fluff, but after a while, you'll get it. This phase will be one of the hardest for you. Alot of people lose weight at first, and I did. But you recover.<P>One more thing. It is very common for the WS to say things like "you'll have to prove it". In their fog, they think that this isn't possible. It is somewhat of an excuse to say that it won't work, because regardless of what you do, she'll stick with the "prove it" concept. You can't just tell her you've changed. And you can't prove it in a week. You've got to just sit back and be the best you every day, and then through time you won't have to say you've changed. She'll see it.<P>Hang in there. You'll make it.

Thanks, Rick37, very helpful insight. I realize all of this, I'm eager to get started proving myself, the difficult part is that when we are together it's family time. She knows and admits I'm a great dad. But how and when do I get to show the changes in me as a H and a man. Also converstaion is strained beause I don't want to seem like I'm prying. She really dos'nt ask me anything.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rick37:<BR><B>JK,<P>First I want to address the images thing from your other post. It is a weird thing, because I went through it. Last Aug was when I confirmed PA, although suspected before that. From Aug till Jan I had the luxury of reading her emails and letters she typed. These were full of all kinds of sickening stuff, and it was not easy to read, but somehow I had to know what I was dealing with.<P>I think knowing that these people are in a total fantasyland and like alcoholics or drug addicts helps a bit. Your wife is addicted to the feeling she gets from this. I'm sure Steve has told you this kind of stuff.<P>You wonder (and I still do) how they can be so bizarre. Just look at what they are willing to give up to be with these losers. Family, children, spouse, houses, you name it, they don't care. Tells you how deep the fantasy goes.<P>Time is probably the thing that is going to help the most. Somehow, you have to determine what your goal is. If it is saving your marriage, then you have to dig really deep to find the strength to Plan A despite the awful feelings you get from this. It is not easy at all. You come here and post/read when the going gets rough. But it will get better in time.<P>As far as Plan A goes, it isn't so easy to say what actions should you do. That is unique for each of us. You need to know the things that were wrong in your marriage. What did you do when you were first dating and married? What was missing lately? What are your W ENs? Figure all that out. It is important to not be a sad puppy dog around your wife. You can tell her you are hurt, but any action on your part that isn't attractive to any woman won't help you win your wife back. So be strong and look after yourself.<P>We all tend to want to have this magic list of concrete actions that our spouses will notice immediately and say "hey, he changed". It doesn't work like that. You have to demonstrate change over a long time, in the face of the affair, and be there when your wife comes out of the fog. That is when all the effort in Plan A will pay off.<P>Are there things that you wanted to do but never did? Things you gave up because you were married or too busy? Have tons of fun with the kids. Play games, bake together, just be the best Dad you can be, make your place fun, buy some new clothes, go out a bit with friends. All these things are not necessarily pure ENs, but it is all about you being a better you. That becomes attractive.<P>I know this sound like a bunch of fluff, but after a while, you'll get it. This phase will be one of the hardest for you. Alot of people lose weight at first, and I did. But you recover.<P>One more thing. It is very common for the WS to say things like "you'll have to prove it". In their fog, they think that this isn't possible. It is somewhat of an excuse to say that it won't work, because regardless of what you do, she'll stick with the "prove it" concept. You can't just tell her you've changed. And you can't prove it in a week. You've got to just sit back and be the best you every day, and then through time you won't have to say you've changed. She'll see it.<P>Hang in there. You'll make it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>