Last night my H said that OW was no more. He works with her. I have an inside connection at his work who says that he has not been talking with her for a couple of weeks. That doesn't mean that he is just not hiding it better than he was. I feel in my heart that it is over. <P>We have had someone snooping around the house and the air was let out of our car tires. I don't know if this is related but I called the police. This made H very upset. I think he knows who is doing it but doesn't want to admit it.<P>I am trying very hard to plan A him. I am getting up really early to make sure I have enough time to wake up and get things done and have coffee so that I don't bite his head off. I spend most of my time when I am not with him crying. I have two step children through him that I am very close to and I am finding it hard to be nice to them. I feel like I am a wreck and I don't know how to bring myself back up again. How can I plan A him when all I want to do is find a nice quiet way to really hurt him? He is doing so much damage to two already damaged children. He is killing my heart. He is incredibly withdrawn and always wants to be away from me.<P>How long do I have to keep this up before I see progress. I think a little progress would give me hope and then I could keep going. <P>Please give me hope.<P>

Cleo,<BR>It sounds like you are doing a good Plan A. Plan A isn't for wimps! (please don't take offense, I am not implying you are a wimp) It is tough stuff to be nice sometimes when you are faced with someone who has hurt you--that someone your own dear spouse.<P>The other good things I see in your post are 1) he is home. He has not left you. Although separation is not necessarily the end either. 2) the affair is drawing to a close. It may be just a lull...and resume. Co-worker affairs are difficult to end because the contact continues, and the weakness and ties are already there. 3)if the OW is doing the creepy stuff, it isn't going to make her any more appealling. It puts a crack in any sort of "perfect woman" facade she may have for your H.<P>Your H could be withdrawn because of withdrawal from the affair. Or it could be guilt. Or more confusion.<P>I don't know how long you have been in Plan A, but give it at least a couple months, I think SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley says as long as 6 months.<P>Affairs take time to get over, for both the betrayed & the wayward spouse. It isn't fair that you have to be patient when you have been hurt, but if you want your marriage you may have to wait through his withdrawal, help him with his guilt.<P>If you aren't in counseling, I highly recommend it. Go by yourself if your H won't go. Dealing with infidelity issues with a good counselor is beneficial. Steve Harley is available for phone counseling through this site.<P>It really is good sign when the affair ends.<P>Take care of yourself.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Cleo77 - I don't think you're going mad, you're doing terrific!! I also agree with everything Lor said. I would add that you should assume that the creepy stuff is somehow related, and don't call the police. Your H needs to see the negatives so let them continue.<P>WAT<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited May 31, 2001).]

Thank you both so much.<P>The affair has been going on since last August as far as I can tell. It seemed to come to a head a couple of months ago and when his friends and family found out he seemed to slow it down. I really confronted him with it two weeks ago. I have been working on Plan A since March 1, 2001.<P>I am having a lot of trouble holding on. There are more days now when I want to throw in the towel but for the kids. What are signs of improvement? What should I look for? I am working so hard and can't seem to see a difference.<P>Thank you again.<BR>

Cleo77 - Are you avoiding lovebusters? If you really want to hurt him, you still have a lot of anger that you need to rechannel somehow. With anger present, it's real difficult not to LB. Don't get me wrong, you've got plenty to be angry about, but your Plan A can't be a good one without control of your anger. Look at it this way: I bet you don't really want to hurt him, you understandably want him to feel some of the pain that you feel. It sounds as if he already is if he's ended the affair. He WILL feel a lot of angst. The best way to get him to continue in the right direction is through a good Plan A, so be satisfied that he's hurting. <BR>If the affair is over, this is the single biggest step in the right direction and represents BIG progress. But you can expect him to avoid you through withdrawal, perhaps. Consider his advoidance as possibly indicative of guilt.<P>Have you worked on yourself in Plan A? This is what it's really about. Given that you believe the affair is over, then it is vital to demonstrate your improvements in order to reinforce his decision to end the affair (assuming HE ended it - if SHE ended it, his withdrawal may be deeper). So, have you seen a difference in yourself? If not, you may not have been working on everything you should.<P>WAT