Please read my story elsewhere. My husband started an affair January 12th. I found out March 13th while he was away on a business trip. The project was 8 weeks. During that time he flew her up there. She lives here. Even after he told me it was over, it wasn't. I think it is now. Since that time we have both been in couseling. His immediate reaction was he didn't want to try and felt like he had been too unhappy for too long. We werne't unhappy. He was unhappy with sexual and intimacy. I agree on that but we loved each other and could work on that. We had never worked on it. He finally agreed that he would TRY and see where that took us. Last Thursday he left me a note, left town (supposedly to see his borther) and said he had to have time to sort things through and think about things. He said that he loved me, didn't want a divorce but had to sort some things out in his head. The counslor thinks he is depressed and can't see a way out of anything. He came home late Monday and I was crazy so we agreed to talk last night. Last night he said he has thought about it, doesn't love me like he did, he was so unhappy for a while and his feelings towards me and our marriage have changed. He said he can't TRY because he feels like he will feel the same way 6 months or a year from now. He said he can't drag us through that when he feels like his feelings won't change. He said it doesn't have anything to do with another person and that he just doesn't want to be married anymore, that he thinks we can't get past this and even if we did his feelings have changed. I just got off the phone with my counselor and she said these things.... she said he is a "runner" and doesn't see his way out of this. She said he is also a "dreamer" and he is looking for "perfect" and he will never find it. She said he avoids conflict and he can't see his way out of this. BUT he tells me his feelings have changed for me. I can't do anything about that. She said maybe that is the case but given his space he will figure out that for sure. She said that is the only thing he can say right now. She said for me not to mention divorce or separation to him but to say that I want him to stay in our house and I am going to go to one of my families homes. He doesn't have family here. She said that way it leaves him here alone, here to deal with the house, here to think about me not being here. I can't bear the thought of leaving him. All my dreams have him in them, everything I do and like to do is with him, our friends are mutual friends, our home, EVERYTHING. I can't bear to think of being strong will get me no where but alone without my husband. PLEASE any advice or help!!!!!!!!!!! <BR>Update from last night:<BR>He said he wants a divorce. He says it has nothing to do with anyone else but that he has fallen out of love with me now and doesn't love me like he should to be married. He said he doesn't want to be married now. He said he has made too many mistakes and it is all his fault but he doesn't want to try because he knows he can try and try and won't ever feel the same way about me. He stayed with me all day yesterday while I tried to convince him to give me, our marriage and 10 years another chance. Then, at 9:30 my cousins came over and got me (I didn't know about this plan). They had been talking to my husband (they are all good friends too) and my therapist all day. He said this is what had to be done and that he had to be away from me to think clearly. I had told him I wanted to be the one to go to my family's since he doesn't have that here. The therapist said it was better for him to stay in our house so it will force him to be alone there, without me and think. However, we kept saying we would do this this weekend. They held me back while he left, he was crying, they were crying and I had to get my things. I completely freaked out, crying hitting them and screaming. It was a complete nightmare. Needless to say, I am a complete basket case. They put me on anti-depressants and I have been taking valium so I am pretty much numb. I am at work because I keep missing and my cousin is picking me up in a while to go to my counselor. I can't let him go!<P><BR>

Hi there,<P> I'm so sorry you are going through this, this has happened to alot of people on these boards. First , I would bet the D has EVERTYTHING to do with the other person....it almost always does (they will deny,deny and deny). <P> Secondly, DO NOT leave your house,......this is making it too easy for him. Why should you give up the comfort of your house, etc?....I disagree strongly with your counselor and I think alot of people here would say the same. You also should let him do the D work if that's what he wants. Please go back to your house and have HIM leave if that's what he wants.<P>Third, I would suggest that you call Steve H. and counsel with him....he is wonderful and can help you immensely. You are letting everyone else take charge. Hang in there girl....(((hug)))..... LU

AdvicePlease,<P>(((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))<P>First of all, I do understand your pain. Please take a deep breath and calm down. You have come to the right place. The people here really care.<P>You can let him go. You may feel like you have cut off the right side of your body but the pain will lessen. Your H does need this time to think. It is not the end of your marriage. We have all heard the same speech from our Walk-away-spouses (WS). There are many success stories here.<P>You need to take this time and focus on you. I am glad you are on anti-depressants, this will help tremendously. I too did not think that I could survive the pain but here I am one year later and my H is home again and said he loves me. It was a roller coaster ride from hell-from the depths of despair to the heights of ecstasy. <P>Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Please take care of yourself. <P>NM

OMG, <P>What a terrible sceen they put you through. Your husband is the one who should leave, not you. It almost sounds like you were foribly removed from your home. Lu is right. By your leaving, you are actually making it easier for your husband. He does not have to face the discomfort of having to find a new place to live. Of having to live in unfamiliar surroundings.<P>Are you really saying there that your therapist talked to your husband and his cousins to plan this? If that is the case then you have an unethical therapist. Please get a new one today. You might want to see a lawyer too. <P>You need time to deal with this. Since it is your husband who wants the divorce, he should be decent about this and cause you as little pain as possible.<P>My heart goes out to you<P>Z

Hey,<BR>I have to agree with your doctor on this one. The story is all too much familiar with mine. In February my wife told me she loved me more like a brother than a husband. Turns out she is depressed and has been on medication now for 6 weeks. In the las week or so, she has gained back many of the feelings she once had for me. The problem is that most depressed people long to be alone. This is the absolute worst thing for them but nonetheless that is what his brain is telling him. I would bet that he would say that he doesn't even love himself either. I know it's a tough road and the pills and counseling are not the whole answer but they atleast clear it up a bit for the person so that they know their true feelings. I can't tell you it will get better, he has to realize what you mean to him. Please get him into the doctor to see about depression. I'm here for you if you need me.<P>Feeling your pain,<BR>Jab<BR>

Dear adviceplease, I have to run now and will write more later, but I just had to respond, because so much of what your H told you is what my H (WS) told me, word for word!! I actually let myself be forced into filing for a D (no-fault) that I didn't want--I was able to talk H into changing it to a Legal Separation, and now it is in "Reconciliation." H has bounced back and forth in his feelings a lot, and just the other day, said again we're going to have to get divorced--then swung way back to the other side of the pendulum and is saying quite the opposite now. What I know now is that I should not have been so quick to agree to everything he thought he needed then--he didn't really know what he wanted or needed (and still doesn't). I would say to you, don't let yourself be kicked out of your own house, but do let him leave if he insists he needs time alone. This is probably the worst of it---we BS's all know how you're feeling and it is HORRIBLE--like your guts are being ripped out of your body and shredded to bits, right? Like you're watching some psycho movie playing itself out, beyond your control--it will get better, as a friend told me when I was feeling like you are, no matter what happens, I promise you, you WILL be happy again one day. The advice you've received here and will get is great--I wish I had seen the MB when I was where you're at now. You're going to survive (and you're going to be stronger at the end of this all). Take good care, octavia99

thank you for your response. I feel like I am dying. Last night was horrible. My cousins had to hold me while he left until I left. I WANTED to leave the house because I can't bear to be there without him. I want him in the house so he will miss me there. People on other boards say this is most likely about the OW. In my heart of hearts I don't think that. I am believing him when he says he just doesn't love me that way anymore. We have agreed not to talk for a week or so and he is going to think about all our options. I am going to stay with my cousins and try to be strong. People tell me to be strong. For what? My whole life and dreams were with him in them. I am only 30 and we were suppose to start a family this summer. I have been with him since I was 20..... I don't feel like I can get through this......<P>He just sent me this and then we agreed not to talk for a week:<BR>"Once again i'm so sorry about last night, i can't tell you how much it hurt me to see you laying on the floor when i left, it ripped my heart out. No matter what happens between us I will always love and care for you very much, you've been my best friend for so long. Please take this time to get strong and work on yourself. I know it will be hard, but let's try and not contact each other over the next few days. if you need anything though i'm here for you, just as i always have been."

Maybe it sounded wrong. It was my choice to leave the house. He was going to leave. I want him there to love our house, see what he will be giving up and live there without me loving him, cooking dinner together, etc. My counselor agreed. She was helping. I called her. My counsin called her and my husband called her. He was going to leave but since I wanted him to stay at home they tried to figure out how to do this. The scene snowballed because I freaked out so bad. He was crying and he just sent me this message<P>"Once again i'm so sorry about last night, i can't tell you how much it hurt me to see you laying on the floor when i left, it ripped my heart out. No matter what happens between us I will always love and care for you very much, you've been my best friend for so long. Please take this time to get strong and work on yourself. I know it will be hard, but let's try and not contact each other over the next few days. if you need anything though i'm here for you, just as i always have been."<P>I don't think anyone was trying to be unfair. Everyone was doing what they thought was best but now they all know it was handled wrong.<P>Thank you so much for your response.

<<< His immediate reaction was he didn't want to try and felt like he had been too unhappy for too long. We werne't unhappy. He said that he loved me, didn't want a divorce but had to sort some things out in his head.>>><P>My H said these things to me too when he suddenly, out of the blue started his bizarre behavior (which turned out to be when the A started).<P><<< He said he can't TRY because he feels like he will feel the same way 6 months or a year from now. He said he can't drag us through that when he feels like his feelings won't change.>>><P>Ditto. Heard this too.<P>>>He said it doesn't have anything to do with another person and that he just doesn't want to be married anymore>>><P>Ditto again. Liar liar pants on fire. He denied a relationship wiht OW the entire time we were separated. It was all a paranoid delusion on my part.<P><< She said for me not to mention divorce or separation to him but to say that I want him to stay in our house and I am going to go to one of my families homes.>>><P>I agree about not mentining separation or divorce but I wouldn't leave the house. i spoke to an attorny when H made his announcement about wanting a divorce and he told me under NO circumstances to leave the house. Besides, your H (in his current state) will be less likely to miss you if he is in comfortable surroundings. My H didn't start to miss me until he moved out.<P> <BR><<<He said he wants a divorce. He says it has nothing to do with anyone else but that he has fallen out of love with me now and doesn't love me like he should to be married. He said he doesn't want to be married now. He said he has made too many mistakes and it is all his fault but he doesn't want to try because he knows he can try and try and won't ever feel the same way about me.>>><P>My heart is breaking for you because I heard ALL of these things in addition to "We will NEVER get back together so don't even think about it, you just need to move on." And of course the part about there being no OW was a total lie. Men rarely leave a marriage without a backup woman (even though she usually gets dumped too). Throw yourself into Plan A. It will be REALLY hard and first and be prepared for rejection. But yourself as much time as possible, time is your greatest ally. I sat my H down and told him this - I know how you feel right now and we don't have to rehash that. You don't have to say anything, I just hope you will hear me out. I want you to know how I feel. I still love you and want us to be together, this will always be your home. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work and I know that it can. I will not sign divorce papers and I will contest a divorce because I feel like you never gave me a chance. If a divorce is what you really want you will have to fight for it. If we do get divorced we will not be friends, ever. I just hope you will think carefully about your choice and realize how much I love you." The next 6 weeks were hell and then things started to change. Within 4 months he was back home, pledging his love for me, thanking me for all of my love and support and begging for my forgiveness. 2 years later things are better than ever! I do think your H is depressed and it is VERY hard to get a depressed person to admit that. I would h articles about depression, lists of the symptoms etc. Finally towards the end of all this he admitted he had realized there was something wrong with him. He had been concealing the symptoms for 2 months prior to the start of the A. He asked me for help, to find a Dr. etc. I just want to say, don't despair. My situation seemed totally hopeless and it worked out better than either of us ever expected. You are in for a rough road but there are lots of us here to help!<p>[This message has been edited by fairydust (edited May 31, 2001).]

Fairydust- just like your H mine said those exact same things TOO- that our marriage was HOPELESS, counseling COULDNT help, that he was out of love with me, couldnt get his feelings back for me, only here for the kids, had been unhappy for years- all of it! I was sobbing my guts out believing it. But I didnt think it was true in my heart and deep down in his it wasnt either. I told my H the same things about D that you told yours- mine filed anyway but cancelled it the next day. OW 's scheming and H's feelings for HER was behind it all even though I didnt realize it at the time and thought they were THRU.Now thats he's gone thru withdrawal from OW for a month he is finally STARTING to turn human again.lifeismessy

Hang in there! You've come to the right place. The details may vary but the lines you are hearing are Oh so familiar - and although initially I too felt sorry for my husband, and how depressed he seemed, and I felt guilty for not being able to pull him out of it - the end result was the same. I finally found out that it was all related to the A - even though he denied it a million times over. I wish I had known about MB back then. You still have a chance at working things out - so don't lose hope. You are still young, and maybe it's a blessing this happened before you actually had kids. Try and calm down and BE STRONG.