I thought things were going OK. He is not seeing OW anymore now for 2 weeks. He was OK for a few days and now he is so angry. He won't talk at all. I have been in Plan A for some time (3 months). Again tonight he says he wants to go. <BR>I don't think that I can hold on much longer. I am on a string all the time. My job is suffering, I can't eat or sleep. I have started smoking again. All of my energy is going into this man who doesn't seem to want anything but away from me. It is a terrible way to live. <P>I think that I have been following Plan A properly. I thought it was going to be OK. Please someone give me some hope that he is going to come around. I sent him out for a walk tonight (he wanted to go) because my heart is breaking.<P>Someone give me some hope.

First of all - {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} !!!!!<P>What all of us BS's have is hope - that one day the fog will lift, that they will make us feel loved again, that all the pain and hurt will go away, and that the sacrifices are worth it. You are in the right place - there IS alot of hope for you from the members here, and although noone will guarantee to you that everything will work out fine, there are enough success stories on this board to give even a disheartened soul like myself new strength and belief.<P>Being about 7 mos from Dday myself, I've come to accept these emotional swings in my WS as part of her own process of dealing with her pain - particularly giving up the affaiir, something I don't think I'll ever be able to know how difficult it must be for her.<P>But first and foremost, you have to take care of yourself! Get rest, eat properly, don't turn to addictions to releive the stress. Since it's affecting the energy you have for life and work, you probably want to consider some meds. I started off using St. John's wart and Kava Kava, but when things turned ugly and we moved towards divorce, I started Zoloft and it has been a life-saver for me.<P>Realise that your happiness does not depend on him - but on you and you alone. You must be in love with yourself and find strength in all the good that is inside you and accept that fact that you can do nothing to make him change - only provide the right conditions to stop them from wanting to leave and hope that the fog will be lifted soon. If you have faith, put your trust in God and pray, pray , pray. Counselling helps for some, but hasn't been a boon for me as of yet.<P>There are many more experienced members here who will help with more advice and hope. I feel your pain and I understand and wish I could help further.<P>You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Cleo- my H did the same thing after finally breaking contact with OW he was moody and mentioned divorce several times for abou 6 weeks. They are in withdrawal for the emotional high they felt from being with OW. Think of it as their drug addiction withdrawal- thats what I did. There are actually chemicals released in their brains that are getting affected because of their breaking it off. Hang in there- my H is finally coming around after about 2 mo after ending contact- and he was so hardcore for divorce he even filed on me but later cancelled it. Just focus on your own thing dont take what he says too seriously. Leave and do small things for yourself. Refuse to talk about divorce with him if you dont want one. But make sure he knows you will make it hard if he divorces you against your will. I told my H that if he divorced me against my will he would be a lousy example for the kids and I would take our kids and move to another state and start my life all over. Now THAT made him reconsider. lifeismessy

Hi cleo,<P>Sounds like your H is not ready to come back. Mine did the same thing. I finally had to tell him not to try and come back until he had something of value to add to our family. His anger was not adding value to the quality of our family life. <P>So he stayed out for another couple of months. Went broke, I went to plan B, it scared him and he came home. This time I said it was the last chance I could afford to give him. Going on the 4th week. Even now there are times when it seemed that he came home a bit premature, but he is stronger than the other 2 times. By the way, he asked to come home at least 8 times in 3 months. This last time was conditional. H had told OW that as long as he knew I was waiting for him he could continue with OW. YUCK. I put an end to that option when I went to plan B. <P>You should not be the but of his anger. I told H about 2 months before he came home that I would no longer take his angry outbursts at me if it was because of the anger he had at himself. I was only going to accept his 'anger' if I truly did something wrong or offensive. Then in that case, I would appreciate civilly talking about it instead of yelling. H immediately stopped yelling at me. It made a difference. When he got angry, I would just look at him without cowering. He would get the message and calm down. <P>Hope this helps. <P>L.<BR>

I agree with spiritfilled that there is always hope. I think that is what the enemy is after in most dire circumstances. If "faith is the substance of things hoped for," then can you see how important it is for us to have hope?<P>You are not on the spot, neither is your faith. GOD is on the spot. This is why we can trust Him to carry us through. No, we can never guarantee what another person will choose, and even God won't violate our ability to make choices. We have to decide that with or without our mates, we will be the men/women that God has called us to be--whole and complete IN HIM. HE is our Provider, not our spouses nor our jobs. With or without a mate, He will provide. With or without a job, He will provide. It doesn't mean we should lie down and just give up, but in a way, we do have to give up on all the mental gymnastics of trying to figure everything out. Faith is trusting God. Trusting God means we don't have all the answers. We go from one moment to the next, just trusting God to get us through the NOW. ("NOW faith is the substance of things hoped for..."<P>It sounds like your H is angry because of some hurt in his life that he has not dealt with. Anger is a byproduct of undealt with hurt. But like spiritfilled said, his hurt is part of his own process of dealing with the pain of giving up the A--and how SELFISH is THAT?????? GOSH!<P>In the meantime, what YOU can do is decide that YOU will change what needs to be changed about you--with God's help--with or without your spouse. Suppose he never changes? Do you wish to remain miserable? NOT. Suppose he never changes and YOU change, then he won't have any more power to make you miserable! <P>I know it's hard to think of exercising when you feel so depressed and awful, but there are natural chemicals that are released in the brain (endorphins) that will make you feel real good about yourself, trust me! <P>Whatever you decide to do, don't be afraid because fear will work against your faith and ability to trust and hope in God. Fear just destroys everything. God didn't say that fear would not be there, but we can trust Him anyway, in the midst of fearful circumstances. <3<3<3<3<3