Short Past History:<BR>Out of the blue, H came home from work, said he got an apt.,<BR>needed to be alone, was confused and needed time to think. I let him take anything & everything he wanted, came back several times and got things. Came over and called me until I found out about OW. H living with OW going on past 10 months now. Things have progressively gotten worse. H became extremely hateful towards me and OW is a horrible vicious person threatening me. In Sept. H brought OW to my door twice, she left threatening note. Judge found OW guilty and issued Order of Protection. H appears to be controlled by OW. No contact with H since Feb.- last phone call H asked do me a favor, please don't call me anymore, OW apparently on phone and screamed don't call here again or I'll take you OUT for harassment (she owns him). H is a totally different person than I knew, is losing everything, OW is dragging him down to her level (low). <P>I found MB, figured it's addiction/fog, thinking H doesn't know what he's doing, waiting for fog to lift. H doesn't make any sense nor do his actions which are irresponsible, self-destructive. When does he have to become accountable? Am I crazy for still caring and loving H? Am I blind? Am I addicted and in a fog? Why am I feeling sorry for him?<P>Now the big problem:<BR>H had me served summons for court, wants stuff now, he wants to come through my house because he can't remember what he wants? I DO NOT want him in my house, I can't trust him now, after what has happened. H hates that I won't let him in. Is this wrong under the circumstances? <P>BIGGER PROBLEM.....what should I do?<BR>I've been patient, caring, sympathetic and WAITING. <BR>Now do I start standing up and protecting MYSELF.<BR>My common sense says YES......my feelings and heart say NO.<P>This is the dilemma, H had done something he had no right to, this involved property of mine. I REALLY HATE that it has come to this. Believe me, I don't want to have to do this. I had tried discussing this previously with H, to NO avail. I gave him ample opportunity to rectify the situation. H just yelled, cussed and ranted at me saying what are you going to do lock me up? This entails pressing criminal charges, fraud, forgery, theft, grand larceny and maybe more. I know this would be a BIG LOVE BUSTER. MIL previously told me to lock him up, she said he deserves it. She told me H did this because he knows I'm too nice and he thinks I won't do anything. I'm sorry, I'm having a REAL hard time with this. I guess I have too much compassion obviously more than his own mother. This is tearing me up. <BR> <BR>Thanks....ANY advice, help, support, etc. appreciated!!!

If it has come to that, you must protect yourself. If he is violation of the law, bust him. He thought little enough of you to commit the crime.<P>Godspeed and good luck,<BR>STL

Dear HW,<P>You are feeling threatened and should rightly feel that way. Your H is all talk right now and now is the time for him to put his money where his mouth is. In between all his words and attitude is him saying he wants his stuff. <P>Plan B. Ok, tell him since you feel threatened by his presence, he can pick up his things via a neutral 3rd party. Just make a list of what he wants and you will work with the 3rd party person (MIL or whoever). The object is to let him do the work that his mouth is saying you should do for him. <P>Let him babble, kick and scream. Then say ok. Go about your business until he talks nicer to you. Don't confront or harrass him. Use that 3rd party but don't let him make you do his dirty work. He wants stuff then he can have it, he needs to make a list so there is no confrontation. <P>Just a suggestion. Hope it helps. Read up on plan b and see if you can schedule a session with Steve. <P>L.<BR>

SeenTheLight:<P>I know your right, I'm just having a hard time. It's difficult to press criminal charges and possibly see him go to jail. Although I feel I have to do this, it hurts me terribly. What choice do I have?<P>You right H had NO thought for me at all. I've said I could be on the street, homeless and he could care. It's sad but true from his actions.<P>Thanks<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hurtwife (edited June 01, 2001).]

Orchid:<P>I do feel threatened, used, abused, hurt and stomped on. <BR>It's not all talk, it's turned to a nasty court battle. It's also obvious H even wants my things for OW!! How sick is this???<P>I did say make a list, H said he couldn't remember...DUH! He wants to come through the house, my house, my name only.<BR>I don't feel he should invade my privacy. Also I do feel threatened and it would be extremely upsetting at this point. Seeing him is mental and emotional torment. <P>Been Plan B by his choice. MIL out of state. I thought I'd see if I can leave anything at the police station for pickup. <P>Now, I'm debating on the criminal charges. If he thinks he hates me now....this is really going to get horrendous.<BR>I hate to see H maybe incarcerated!?!? H major screwed up, fraud, forgery, grand larceny, etc. This will probably snowball into an avalanche. Once it starts...no stopping.<BR> <BR>Wish I could schedule a session, but BIG financial problems H put me in prevents that. <P>Thanks for your input....any further...greatly appreciated.<BR>

Hurt wife,<P>I asked myself here what do I think Dr. Harley would say about your bringing criminal charges against your H. The one thing in his books that comes to mind is that he says that if a spouse is being physically or badly emotionally abused, that they must get away from their spouse for their own safety.<P>So based on this, I bet Dr. Harley would say that you need to press charges. My thinking on this is that to perpetrate a crime against you is a very serious abuse. If you do not prosecute and the two of you get back together there will be problems because you have not set down firm boundaries. He will feel that it is OK to do these things to you because you let it slide before.<P>In your case I would be very careful about taking him back at this point. He seems to be a very calculating person who uses people easily. Since he seems to have such a strong desire to strip you of all your worldly possessions. If he returns before all legal and material matters are settled. He may be doing it to get back into a position where he can complete the con job. Be careful.<P>How long have you known your husband? How long have you been married? What assets did he bring into the marriage?<P>Even though you cannot afford the counseling right now. You still may want to call the MB office. Dr. Harley has a radio show. I think it's on daily at noon. Anyway they suggested to me at one time that I call the radio show to get some advice. This sounds like the type of "short topic" that might work well on a radio show. It's not a national show so it probably does not air in your area.... so no one you know would hear your voice... just that thought.<P><BR>Z

zorweb:<P>If you want to read my previous posts, they will explain more. <BR> <BR>H wasn't physically abusive with me, although he had that problem in 1st marriage. I don't believe in fighting, yelling or violence, so H didn't have me to fight with. I didn't fuel the fire. After he moved out he has become horrible, I'd say inflicting emotional and mental abuse. I don't have any contact now. H hasn't been over since Sept., I haven't talked to him since FEB. It's OW that is vicious and vindictive. <BR> <BR> RE: My thinking on this is that to perpetrate a crime against you is a very serious abuse. If you do not prosecute and the two of you get back together there will be problems because you have not set down firm boundaries. He will feel that it is OK to do these things to you because you let it slide before.<P>I feel I have to prosecute, H has sunk me into financial disaster and it's getting worse. H is also sinking lower into financial and legal catastrophe. All for OW..losing everything? H has acted like he hates me. The further this goes the more I don't think getting back together is an option. I didn't think he was this kind of person when he was with me. A friend told me I just didn't see it? I'm so confused I don't even know anymore. <P> RE: In your case I would be very careful about taking him back at this point. He seems to be a very calculating person who uses people easily. Since he seems to have such a strong desire to strip you of all your worldly possessions.<P>I don't think he'll come back. Don't know why I still love or care for him. I've had to think of the thoughts you mentioned, H as calculating and using. H certainly has done a job on me. I've been in shock, or maybe it's denial???<P>If I press charges I think it's going to go past the point of NO RETURN. H has already pushed past the limits, indicating to me he doesn't even care in the least. Self-serving to himself and OW. Prosecuting H will probably provoke OW towards threatening me again. All of this has made me NOT trust H in the least and created vast suspicions of his future actions.<P>H & I together 6 yrs., knew him almost a yr. before. Didn't bring much assets, said he lost about everything in 1st marriage and had to file banckruptcy. H moved into my home, when he couldn't pay his rent. Maybe I am just stupid and blind. I didn't see it, or maybe love is blind?<P>Thank you much for your input, any is greatly appreciated. <BR> <BR>

It sounds like H has done something that has hurt you financially and he knows you won't do anything about it because you still care for him. If you believe anything BELIEVE THIS....H WILL DO IT AGAIN IF YOU DON'T ACT NOW. He has threatened your emotionaly state by the affair, now he is stripping you financially. If you can't take care of yourself financially then you will end up losing far more in the future, and where will H be. Living off of your money w/OW, while you are left penniless. It is one thing to hurt emotionally, but the basic things that people need to survive in this world are shelter and food. This is your life that you HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL OF, by doing nothing you are letting H control your future. Please think realistically. And the reality is, your H is no one that you know right now, a stranger and if a stranger does this to you what would anyone do. They would fight back and take control of their life.

See an attorney. Right away. The laws in your state may vary from those of the people here who wish to help. You need legal advice before you do anything. Protect yourself and your assets. Do not allow H to drag you down.<P>Here's a <<<HUG>>>. Sounds like you need one.

BaseballHat is right about your seeing a lawyer. In the state I live in, any bill one spouse makes legally obligates the other spouse. Even if they did not sign any paper work. So unless you file the correct papers, you could end up paying for your H's and the OW's life style.<P>You know what you need to do. Is there anyone around you who you can call on for support. Like someone to hold your hand through all of this?<P>Z

Baseballhat:<P>With the financial burden H has bestowed upon me it's difficult to obtain an attorney. I'm working on it.<P>Thank you for reply and the hug.....I sure needed that.

zorweb:<P>An attorney I talked to previously said I won't be responsible for any debts he may be running up.<P>I don't have any support, nobody wants to hear it. No hands to hold, this is sad and hurtful to me. They don't understand and just get on with your life. God maybe I'm too sympathetic, but I try to be a shoulder to cry on. You would think I have a big black cloud hanging over my head, and people think they might get rained on. <P>Thank you and I'm glad for all of you here....it's my support.