At this moment in time I don’t really know what I am doing. In last 4 months I have felt the most excruciating pain in my life, never felt so desolate or lost before. 2 years ago I took the opportunity to live away from her working abroad. I asked my wife for a divorce in 1/2001 because i) have been in a terribly unhappy marriage for the last 5 years it was inevitable ii) thought it was what she wanted too and iii) met another person while i lived away who is very special to me. Reaction from my wife completely shocked me. All of a sudden she tells me that she loves me deeply and wants to be with me. Why now after all those years? I have tried many times to work things out with her , even went for counselling when she had a short fling with someone she met at the bar. <BR>I have told her that I don’t love her and loved someone else. She begged me to stay and even if it wasn’t for her for our kids. Our relationship was not abusive – in the sense that we don’t scream or fight all the time, it is tolerable but cold and empty as anything. I was never really there in mind and spirit with her for the last few years, I just shut down. I am only happy with the kids. Anyway I feel so guilty I said I would stay. Its been 3 months since and my heart aches everyday.<P>Telling my GF that I had to leave her was the most painful thing I have done in my life. Thinking of life never seeing her again made me ill, as I trully love her. Everyday I wonder what she is doing, if she's happy etc.I am now back home. I don't have direct contact with her at all but have called her friends twice to see how she's doing. Before I left I told her that I knew we will be together and I promised I will be back. I told her to get on with her life but to remember what I said at the back of her mind. Besides my children its probably that’s the only thing that keeps me going. I told her I had to do this, I don’t know why, that the decision was almost unconscious. She tells me that if my love is true and we were meant to be it will happen. <P>I never wanted me and W to end up like this. But deep down i don't think i want to love her now that i am given the chance. I know she loves me but i can't help it. Not after what i felt with my GF. Perhaps staying in this marriage is wrong. I do not know what i am trying to prove. I think it's out of guilt. Has anyone been in this situation or something similar with some advice to spare? Thank you. <BR>

There must have been something to attract you in the first place to your wife. A new lady is always exciting but once married to her responsibilities of life will start to happen with her also. Can she handle the stress of married life? Will it really be any different. The new person always seems more dreamy, they are new, they are fresh, they are nothing but fun. If you really have a zero feeling and cannot grow again to love your wife then that's a problem. Does the other woman want to marry you? Will you have children with her, find a new job. When you pay the wife child support will the financial strain do anything to your new relationship? Will your children be happy with your choice? Lot's top consider. Marriage was supposed to be forever. Adultery was the only excuse for divorce and even then many chose to stay and work it out. I see from your guilt and that you decided to try that you have some good qualities in you. But if there is really zero love and considering your wife had a short fling (which I consider serious) then you have the right to choose any path to make yourself happy. Of course I do not know who is at fault and the reason for the fling. Probably she was also very unhappy at the time.

Welcome Painforever:<P>I know if you've been at MB long enough that you know that what you are feeling about OW is not that unusual....a lot of individuals in affairs feel the way you are describing.<BR>And it's hard to separate what is a real life-long feeling from what could be a short-term infatuation.<P>I do feel though that whatever you feel for OW...you have years with your wife and children involved...and your continuing to be with your wife indicates that you realize that...but at the same time you definitely are not with your wife in mind...your loyalities are with OW....and this makes it hard to do any real work on your marriage....and to recover wiil take work....on both your parts.<P>As long as you retain the feeling that you and OW will be together in the end how can you make an honest attempt to rekindle the feelings between you and your wife. Give the woman a chance....you obviously decided that the marriage is not worth it (re the affair)....but she still has hope.<P>Please give your wife the time and respect she deserves to try and rebuild the marriage. With MB principles together you could work on restoring the love between you if you make an honest effort. Does she know about MB? Is she willing to make the effort to change? Has she made any effort to make things better between you...or have you? You have the tools at hand...use them. What have you got to lost that's worse then losing your wife and children...because make no mistake....divorce does rob you of a lot of your children's lives...time you simply will not be there for them or for yourself. Take your time...as your OW says "if it was meant to be then it will work out someday".<P>Stay awhile, learn what you can, try again with your wife and then decide what you "really" need to do.<P>Faye<BR>

Painforever,<P>You've already made one big step and that is to stay with and honor the vows and commitment that you made to your spouse.<P>For whatever reason it sounds that you and your spouse got passive about your marriage, and took it for granted, without putting much effort into. (happens more times then you think) As many have already told you there is lots of wonderful material here at MB and if you and your spouse are willing to read it and put it into practice you have an awesome chance for re-creating and maintaing a happy and fulfilled marriage with things in place not to let this happen to your marriage again. Good luck to you! You may feel that there is no love left, but you are there and that does mean something!!!!<P>Keep posting and letting us know how things are transpiring!!

Hi PF, <P>Just a short comment (very unusual for me ). Call Steve Harley and discuss your feelings and your options. You have made commitments to 2 different women. One of those commitments are morally and legally binding (also scripturally). You are also obligated to the parental responsibility of your offspring. <P>What is love? Your definition of that will help you see where your mind is and where it should be. Your emotions have been allowed to wander and one WILL always find others that appear to be better than our current families. Of course!!!! Why? Because we usually put our best foot forward. Are you just as lovable in the down times? <P>Our families love us despite how we are or look. Others are not as accmodating. YEt we often treat our family refuse and discard their options. When actually their opinions are the ones that should matter the most. Hm.... How is it possible to put our family interests first when someone is trying to squeeze in? <P>Here is the welcome to MB thread.....<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008792.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008792.html</A> <P>Oops.... gues the post got a bit carried away. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>