Hi Lostva - <BR>Jim/NSR suggested I get in touch with you because your story resembles mine - but I can't seem to find your old threads (how far back should I look?) Basically I'm in this alone. D day was Easter Sunday. He has up and left to be with OW - although he keeps in touch through email and provides financially. We have 2 young children(4 and 9). He got transferred to another state in February and at that point he wanted me to stay behind for the kids to finish their school year. When he came over Easter he told me about the A with a coworker, and that he wanted her to go and live with him, not us - didn't love me anymore etc etc - all the speeches we hear from fogland - unfortunately I hadn't heard of MB until recently. He cried a lot and said that this was the hardest decision he had ever had to make but that if he didn't have a real relationship with her (for now it was limited to quickies in the office I suppose) he would never know what he had given up…..OW is married and has a 16 year old. She has quit her job to be with him.<BR>When I found out I wanted to get a divorce right away - but then I was introduced to MB. H is not into counseling and things like that - tried to convince him about a year ago - but no luck. He started to get funny about 2 years ago - ever since he moved for his job and met OW. He says PA started in September 2000. I don't think he acknowledges things like EA but I figure it's been building up for the past 2 years - she called all the time - and he didn't seem to mind - just encouraged it. He made me think I was the one going crazy.<BR>Anyway - now I'm so much wiser thanks to MB. However I am so disappointed and disheartened that I fell like just throwing in the towel and not even trying - essentially because I see absolutely no sign from him that he even wants to consider trying. (still in fogland or am I just carrying false hope?) I need to hear about some success stories to give me some courage. Would love to hear from you.<BR>Thanks Shakti<BR>

I don't know if you've seen this, but on a post yesterday, lostva reponded with one of her usual excellent posts, and you'll see in it a bit of her story.<P>There are plenty of cases on here of people in recovery, despite the WS not wanting them for a long time. Lora is another one, and she's posted on a few the past few days, again with the same kind of story.<P>The post for lostva's was "When the WS only wants to stay "for the kids"... ", posted by spritfilled (close anyway).<P>If you have trouble finding things, make sure when you search, you search using "Subject Line" only, and the name of the person. That should find you some.

Hi, Honey. Count yourself among the blessed if you can't pull up my threads....there are over 3000 of them (can you tell I used to spend a lot of time here? ) I'm not around every day anymore, just pop in to check on old friends and hit a post or two.<P>We had a number of difficult years. In just 3 years, we lost his natural father, grandmother, BOTH my grandmothers, my mom had cancer and my father was killed. We both had a difficult time coping with it all. My story in a nutshell...after a long EA and PA, Robert came to me on 6/27/99 and told me he didn't love me anymore. A few days later he told me about PT. 8/5/99, the day after my b-day, less than 6 months after my dad's death, he left me to live with her. Though he has always been a dedicated, responsible and wonderful man, he did not provide for us financially, he discontinued contact (pretty much) with me and completely ignored our daughter. PT had a 3 year old and had never been married. She is also 20 years younger than me. He rarely called or spoke with us and maintained he had found the love of his life and wanted a divorce. They drew up the plans for their new home, opened joint bank and charge accounts and met with and began paying a lawyer about his adopting her wee one. In Jan, 2000, he came over to work on the dryer (the second thing he had done for us in all those months) and instead asked me to go for a drive. We drove 3 hours away and during that day he asked about coming home. At that point, I believed he realized he was in love with me, but that really wasn't true I found out later. He heard a song twice that week and decided if he didn't at least try and do the right thing he could never live with himself (yup, the fog was beginning to lift). The last year or so has pretty much been a combo of wonderful and horrible, with it mostly terrific now. We are BOTH in love.<P>My husband IS a wonderful man and I love him, trust him and respect him very much. He will not consider counselling, thinks a lot of Harley stuff is contrived (although he will agree with tiny bits and pieces I tell him about - and I gotta admit, it doesn't ALL work for me either, though most of it does), up until recently would never read any kind of relationship book (He's taken a liking to Dr. Phil's no-nonsense style, even though he's tougher on folks - go figure!). But any attempt to learn about this stuff is Very very recent.<P>Honey, during Robert's stay with PT, he rarely called (I called him 4 times in all those months). We didn't discuss marriage, or them or us or nothing. I wrote him weekly and sent them to his mom's. Funny letters, stories about Kristin adn her new school and friends, learning to drive, nothing serious and ended each one with "I love you and believe in you". That's it. The first real relationship talk we had after he moved out was when he asked to come home. Before that, I'd have been beating a dead horse...he simply wasn't ready. I remember tearing up when he stopped by for his stuff once or twice and had a royal LB letter writing weekend, but that's pretty much it. He maintained constantly that we never should have married, he'd never ever loved me, even that I would be surprised how many times he wished I had been in an accident and died so that he could be released from these "pits of Hell". He remembers very little of this. All this from a man who I trusted with my soul and wuold never DREAM I'd hear him say them to anyone. (and that's some of the mild stuff.)<P>For me, it actually was a wonderful opportunity. I truly believed ni Robert and believed he loved me, but I did NOT believe he'd ever come home. I started procedures to get our home ready for sale, changed Kristin's school to one that I didn't have to pay for (in hs, no less) and took the opportunity to really learn about myself and grow. That was Plan A for me, permanent work on ME, not a plot to get him back. Heck, yeah, I wanted him back! But, I had to find a place for me either way. Dr. Phil's Life STrategies got me through it....that's MY Plan A. Lifetime, sustainable behavior that's right for ME!<P>Know what, stuff got easier. I started enjoying his seldom visits 'cause I enjoyed his company. I didn't cry, but flirted and giggled and laughed and it wasn't fake! I'd cry when he left and it hit me, but I also laughed and went out with friends and my daughter (no dating). I didn't even realize what a difference it was making until Robert's mom told me he told her "I really like Lori, Mom. She's still herself, just MORE somehow. I enjoy being with her." That's what I wanted, me but more of me. And I'm STILL growing to get there! <P>By the time I "got it", I wasn't "tired of trying" 'cause I wasn't trying. I was becoming my husband's friend, seeing his as he really was instead of what I had always believed and I liked him more! There's a lot of Plan A to Plan B stuff here, I didn't need Plan B. I loved him, I liked him, it was easy to be nice to him and whether or not her returned, I wanted him in my life. I got frustrated for a while, I cried, I lost tons of weight, I threw up and I was almost incapacitated. But I had a daughter and that was not the mom I wanted her to have. She was the catalyst and liking what was happening kept me going.<P>I almost fainted when he asked to come home. I never expected it in a million years. And I'll tell you, d-day, the separation and all that was peanuts emotionally compared to some of the pain of early recovery. But boy, oh boy, was it worth it!<P>Ok, there's my long-winded history. I check in every couple of days or so and if I can be of help, please let me know. My friends on this board saved my life and I'd like to help a little if I can.<P>Advice? This is a yucky, nasty, painful, horrible situation. There you go. There's no way you can paint it any other way. It's not "for the best", it's lousy. But it's what you're stuck with. And it's up to you to decide if you're gonna bring anything positive out of it at all and if you decide to, there's a lot of positve you can make. That can only help - your marriage, your relationship with your husband, but mostly yourself. Sounds dumb, huh, a "success story" that advises to focus on you and not getting him back. But that's the lesson I learned, I think. And it made recovery so much easier. I didn't have a lot of the panics that I read about around here. I didn't have the questions. They lived together, they planned a future, and I took the worst and dealt with it long before he asked to come home. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out all that comes that scenario, right? I don't need details.<P>I don't need restitution. I need a committed partner who loves me and will help me build a wonderful marriage and future. He was a bit slow at first, but we're both doing that now. What more could anyone ever want? Like he said to me just recently as we were laughing just before bedtime "do you realize how lucky we are???? We laugh a little bit every single day." I'd never though of that. It was a nice way to sum it up, I think. Who'd have ever thought I'd say that in August of '99???<P>Hang in there. There's lots you can do. <P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori<P>

Hi Lori - thanks for your message. What an incredible story -even though I only got the nutshell version - I'm sure the fine details must be truly amazing. You sound like such a strong person with the patience of a saint - qualities that I unfortunately do not possess - not at this point in time anyway. I am all for the working on myself bit - and I am really focussing on my boys as well - I can't let them down and they certainly didn't ask for any of this mess. I am still very confused as far as the relationship goes with H. He has me completely convinced that he doesn't love me or feel anything for me anymore. The only thing that puts some doubt into my mind is the indifference to the kids - that's when I realize and I guess understand about this fog business - because he used to be such a loving, responsible and concerned father. How did your daughter cope while your H was away? At the moment mine (4 and 9 years) still assume that it is work related that their father isn't living with us - and like I said he keeps in touch via email mostly. And I guess a bit like you I keep him informed about what is happening in our lives, especially as far as the kids are concerned, in a light humorous way - nothing further. Knowing him, anything more will probably be perceived as me trying to emotionally blackmail him back into our lives. <BR>As for me, I seem to be coping relatively well, I have my moments when I really break down and have a good cry, and I try not to do it too often in front of the kids. I have lost about 23 lbs and I just started taking St. John's wort - hopefully it will help. <BR>Thanks again for your help.<BR>Shakti<BR>

lostva/lori, thank you from another struggling BS. You helped me before, reading your "nutshell" story just screwed my head back on straight and gave me hope again. You are great and deserve all the happiness you now have. Best wishes, octavia99

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Hi, Honey!<P>Kristin didn't do very well at all. She became rebellious (I have a beautiful, wonderful, well-mannerd, Honor student, pretty close to perfect little girl - prejudiced - ABSOLUTELY!! ) She withdrew. She'd talk a little, but not much and more with her best friend than me. She was difficult for a while. She said she hated him, but was friendly when he showed up. It took a lot of adjustment when he came home.<P>I told her no details. Once she heard he was with someone and I told her I expected him to date while we were separated. <P>Now, they're joined at the hip again. Whew! Oops, gotta run, got company.<P>I'll check back later.<P>Lori