I have been working on Plan A and I don't know if I am getting anywhere. I do sense that if I try to talk about any emotions H clams up and it makes him very unhappy. I am trying really hard not to talk about things. Last night (when he finally came home), I stood in front of him and repeated our marriage vows and told him I was in it for the long haul. He seemed shocked. He said then he better sit down and write down how he feels and give it to me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so scared that means he is going to tell me he wants to leave.<P>I am going away for the weekend with my girlfriend and I am leaving him the emotional needs questionaire. He even sat last night at the marriage builders website for an hour and read. He never does that. He told me last night he could not tell me he loves me anymore because he doesn't. That one really hurt but I said that was fine.<P>Any ideas how I can Plan A this man who won't talk. I mean really won't talk. His mother called me because she was worried he would hurt himself he is so withdrawn. Should I just stay back or should I keep trying. I really appreciated all the feedback over the last couple of days. I think I would have gone mad if it weren't for all of your kind words. <P>

Cleo77 - OK, I recommend you not talk about IT! Don't be melodramatic by reciting your vows, etc. Remember the core of Plan A: seek out your own faults, take steps to correct them, then demonstrate your improvements. The other part of Plan A is NO LOVEBUSTERS!! If it hurts him when you say that, don't say that. You are a step ahead if he is acting down and withdrawn. This possibly means he feels something is wrong with himself. Good. But this means you have to do something counterintuitive: validate his feelings. Further, don't expect him to validate yours. <P>I would give anything for my wife to sit in front of MB for just a few seconds. This is a big step. But it could be an LB if you press it. One last thing - don't be in a hurry.<P>WAT

Listen to WAT! <P>I have been in plan A for about three weeks when I first found MB website. You will not notice a difference at first. <P>Make changes in yourself! Don't talk about A (except if you are in counseling). I don't talk about anything controversial right now. (Get your own EN's met through friends or by posting.) If he won't let you know his EN's, do your best to figure them out on your own. <P>As you read more posts, you will see that rebuilding and recovery takes a very long time. Keep the end in mind. <P>I went on an antidepressant which has helped tremendously. I can focus better on the rest of my life. I am not thinking about my marriage every waking moment.<P>Determine that you will be his wife minus the LB's you were doing and any LB's regarding A.<P>Have faith.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Thank you both very much. I find it so hard not to ask questions. I want so badly to hear from him that he is going to stay and try and that he loves me. He knows I am waiting for that and I think that gives him power. I have to find a way just to believe that that will happen.<P>OK, for the weekend this will be easy because I won't be there. After that I guess I will just keep this up and wait. Should I wait for him to make the first move or should I try again later? Him right?<P>Thanks again. I will keep you posted.<P>

I know it is hard not to talk and to wait for him. My H had some kind of breakthrough during his individual counseling Wednesday (as crying as we left and went for a very long drive later that night) and has still not talked to me about it. But he still calls me and comes home at night. He still sleeps with me and lets me be affectionate with him. Take joy and glory in the small things.<P>We are in a lot of pain, but so are our spouses. Not only pain, but confusion and fantasy and unreality.<P>It is so hard to give them SPACE, but you must. Take the time to work on yourself. Be nice to yourself. <P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Hi Cleo:<P>The no relationship talk rule is a good one...especially when the WS is a male....as women you realize we need to talk about our problems to better deal with them while men are the opposite and usually want to work on their problems by themselves. So relationship talks to them are LB until the time that they are able to deal with them.<P>As far as finding out how they feel...if they are heavily into the fog, you will not learn anything of value because it will always be filtered throught the fog....after you've broken the rule (like I have many times) enough, you will realize the futility of these talks. There will come a time for these talks (hopefully as the result of your wonderful Plan A) and then they will be more fruitful. For now, however, you need to focus on working on yourself and fulfilling his ENs. <P>You can't fix anything right now by talking about it...so step back, work on what you can and wait....time, patience and consistency....NCR(Jim)'s advice is wise, take it from someone who has tried the other and found it doesn't work.<BR>Good luck, I'll be checking on you.<P>Faye<P>PS. I forgot to mention that my WH told me long after D-Day that he did not want to talk to me because it hurt him to see me suffering so much...it was easier to just not talk. He's talking now...so time does make a difference. <p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited June 01, 2001).]

Thank you very much for your response. I will keep my relationship talks here (it will be really hard) and with God.<P>Thanks again.