Good morning. I was checking back in HumbleFish's post, and I saw your comment welcoming questions about your experience as the OW.<P>I still don't understand how my H could spend four months "talking" with this female, deny her attraction (and his), then out of the blue, have sex with her. I suppose being a woman, I simply see sex as very special. No, I don't want him having sex with anyone else. But it is an obvious general consensus that men and women who make this choice just do not value sex the way that many men and women like me do. If he gets an erection, he has to go for it. So my question is how does it get there, the attraction? Even when you know or you discover this guy is with another woman, has children, etc., do you just keep going just because... and then instantly, you are in too deep? <P>Also, anyone who has feedback can answer. <p>[This message has been edited by ymon (edited June 01, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ymon:<BR><B> But it is an obvious general consensus that men and women who make this choice just do not value sex the way that many men and women like me do. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think Scuba is on holiday, but I wanted to respond to this thought.<P>The word "value" bothers me, for some reason. I was faithful to my WS H for 18 years. I certainly didn't feel valued, that is true. But I did value him, and the sexual part of our marriage. Then, I did the *unthinkable* and had an affair. I slept with the OM once. I was "out of my mind" but still had a grasp of the danger I was in... both physically and emotionally, but I did it anyway. Did I not value sex? Yes, I did. I was just stupid and selfish. That doesn't mean I didn't value what my then-H and I had shared over our marriage (which, although it is no excuse, is more than I can say for him).<P>Does this shed some light on what you're wondering about?<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

My wife said the same thing. She loved me. She knew she was doing wrong, risked pregnancy, disease and divorce but did it anyway. Felt bad about it afterwards and could not quite understand why she did it. But it was the heat of the moment combined with anger and depression, non rational thinking the time and place and circumstances were just right (a set up by the guy), a moment of weakness, a moment of not thinking about your spouse and there you go. Five minutes of pleasure in exchange for many months of misery for the spouse(s) involved. People get tempted, they go for it and are sorry afterwards. It's a weakness. It's circumstances. It's not being careful with feelings and situations.

ymon,<P>I too have been an WS. I spent many months talking to the OM that I became extremely emotionally attached to him without even realizing where it was all headed. When my EA turned into a PA, it wasn't because I didn't "value" sex with my H. In fact, in the physical intimacy department, my H and I have never been lacking. But when the emtional needs are not being met, it becomes very easy to find yourself involved in something you never dreamed would happen. Never in your wildest imagination. Those basic needs in my life so overwhelmed me that I allowed them to rule my life. And I value sex very much. I would never just run out and give myself to anyone. No matter how it appears to others. <BR>You asked even when we know the guy has another woman and kids do we just keep going. I can only speak for myself.<BR>And I kept going back because he met the EN's in my life that were being neglected at home and I did the same for him. I am not trying to justify my behavior. I am taking full responsiblity for my actions. <BR>Does any of this answer any of your questions? If not, just let me know and I'll do the best I can to answer honestly.<P>dlm (debbie)

Ymon..<BR>Hello <BR>I am just back from vacation and was reading to catch up...wanted to put this back on top and I will have time in the morning to respond more in depth if I dont get it all typed now.<P>My other man is/was a complete ditto of my first love, and upon my first meeting him I almost mistook him for the same fellow; the attraction for me to him was "first sight" and I knew the resemblence the first day that I came to work at my company. Our affair didnt began until four years later, but he felt the same thing. After lunching together in small groups we learned to know one another very well - even finished sentences for one another - was very erie. He seemed to possess all the feelings and attention to me that my husband was too busy to notice that I needed. He has four children and his wife was very busy too - timing was everything. <P>As I look back now, I know what finally broke the conversation barrier between us was an in-house chat that our company uses. We could chat to one another, not mail - but inhouse confidential chat and it seemed to be a joke a first, but then snowballed. He actually used this as foreplay I think because I bit - hook, line and sinker. It was like I took one tiny step and realized I was in quicksand and there wasnt anything that I wanted to pull me out - and no stopping us. You cannt think straight - knowing that it is wrong! So wrong. Instantly - INSTANTLY - I was in too deep. I knew that we (me andOM) had great conversation and sex between husband and I has always been a struggle...and still is. I am my husband's first and we (neither of us) are skilled in that area...my other-man doesnt lack in that area and after feeling things with him I had never experienced before I became addicted. IN OVER MY HEAD...instantly. <P>As I write this...I still so regret it all; I just returned from vacation with my husband and he is so very sweet. I do hope one day that he will tell me he loves me, and think my conversation is important, but he is managing to be much more affectionate. I have not told him of my affair and frankly still cannot decide that it is the best thing to do. It will be one year ago in Sept.<P>Hope this helps.. other man and I still work together and have this warped kind of friendship...so sad - we really were just good friends at one time and things got out of hand. I would give anything if I could reverse time and un-do it all. <P>Scuba... <P>

ymon,<P>I'm thinking back to my single days as I reply to you. I know that every woman has different experiences in life - some make better choices than others. When I was single, I didn't always make the right "choices." Yes, I slept with someone who I did not value, and I did not value the sex either (needless to say, it was really bad sex!). No, I never had an EMR with a married man, they were all single. <P>It had everything to do with me not valuing *me.* That was the genesis of my problems back then. I'd just divorced my first H, who cheated on me for the duration of my marriage. By the time I got out of it, I felt like a big fat ZERO. Nothing mattered for a very long time.<P>And no, I was not in love with the men, either. <P>I know this prolly doesn't help - it's just another angle, I suppose. I think that perhaps when one doesn't care about oneself, it's pretty impossible to care about anyone else, much less their families and children?<P>belldandy

I'm back!<BR>My life has been full of challenges this week, but I finally read these posts.<P>bd: I do feel sort of like not valuing myself, a slight on my self-esteem and approval. My H is constantly telling me his choice wasn't because of anything I was not doing or didn't know how to do. His choice had nothing to do with me. I do believe that, plus we were separated for a while. I just don't want to stop caring. I get very self destructive when I don't care anymore. I just got over wanting to abort my pregnancy just because OW was pregnant. <P>Scuba: I see where you are coming from. There are no guarantees about many things. Yes, your experience has given me some insight in not being hard on myself. You know, my H comes from a pattern: His father cheated twice on the wife he is with now. And HIS father was regularly out with other women when he was alive, fathered other children and everything. I believe that is where my mentality is: I gave him all this, and he still "wanted something different"