I'm not sure how soon I will need this, but it feels iminent. Please let me know your ideas.<P>Dear <H>,<P>This will be the hardest letter I will have ever written. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for the part I played in the failure of our marriage. I foolishly didn’t acknowledge or fix the problems left over from my childhood, I stopped listening to your dreams and meeting your needs and I inappropriately showed anger and frustration when you weren’t the husband I wanted. I foolishly created a void in our marriage that allowed this affair to happen. You were always available to me when I needed you. You always did what I asked. I wish that you had felt the same about me and had been able to talk to me about what you were feeling and what you needed. My behavior was wrong and I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for any pain I have caused you.<P>I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship or how to meet your needs. I can’t claim to know it all now, but I have recently learned a lot about how to honor, cherish and be a mate, a companion, a best friend to you. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife…about how to be supportive in your quest for finding out about your individuality and who you are. I want to be the type of person you would be proud to have by your side; the same pride I have had to call you my husband.<P>More than anything else in this whole world, I would like to put our mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together as a family. I want us to strive to meet each other’s needs and avoid the mistakes that we made that put us in the place where we find ourselves now. More than anything else, I want you to have the life you deserve. I want us to create the kind of life for our family that it should have been from the beginning.<P>Since April, I have been trying to give you hope for our marriage by being a better wife for you. I have wanted you to see how good our family is together. But I cannot do this in your present state of mind and while you are still in contact with <OW>. This situation has caused me more pain and anguish than I ever thought I could bear. In order to protect the love I have for you, not to punish or harm you, I believe it would be best that during the separation we have no contact. To protect myself from more pain, I cannot continue to see or talk to you except with regards to our sons. Even then contact will be mostly limited to voicemail or email. I have talked to your family and they have agreed to be intermediaries for the children. We can use them for dropping off and picking up the boys.<P>Financially we will have to decide who’s paying for what. The most pressing issues include, car insurance, the ring, daycare, life insurance and the IRS bill. My thought is that you pay for daycare and I will pay for the rest. If you have a different idea, let me know and we will work it out.<P>Please know that I am not doing this to hurt you or to punish you in anyway. I have to protect myself from more hurt and pain in order to be able to keep my love for you intact. I would like to have a chance of reconciliation in the future. I want you to have the time you say you need to become an individual. I want you to have time to think about our family and our relationship. If ever you feel that you are willing to work on our marriage, I want you to know that I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.<P>I love you <H>. Whether you believe it or not, I have been proud of you as my husband. I have been proud of you as a father. I wanted us to grow old together, enjoy retirement together, enjoy grandchildren together. I have tried my best to let you know how much I love you and desire to have you be my husband. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to guilt you or trap you into staying. I just want you to know that I love you and that I am sorry for all the mistakes I made. Until this happened I can truly say I didn’t realize how much you meant to me, how much I valued you and our marriage. If ever you feel the same way and want to work on our relationship, I will be willing to listen and would be dedicated to make our marriage a place that you really want to be.<P>I loved you when I married you. I love you now more than I ever realized.<P>Your Wife<P><BR>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7<p>[This message has been edited by InShockinCali (edited June 01, 2001).]

Excellent letter...it has many things I would like to, and may have to, write to my W (WS) some day.<P>I can't believe your H won't be moved by your compassion, love and pain, but then I've seen and heard a lot over the pas tthree months that I would never have believed.<P>Anyway, best of luck to you...remain strong.

Wow terrific letter! I was a journalism major and couldnt have written a better one myself! I hope it works- just be patient and give it time.Like the Harleys say time is on the betrayed spouses side not the OWs. My H's mind is starting to de-fog more and more each day and that is so exciting- just 3 wks ago he claimed he was out of love with me, had no feelings for me, and sat there like a lump at counseling. Now we've resumed our intimate contact and he's starting to actually LISTEN at counseling. I am hoping the same for you.( Mine was hellbent on divorce just 6 wks ago too!) Good luck keep posting- lifeismessy

Hi Cali - you might want to edit out your names.<P>Having just done this myself, here's my few suggestions. Overall, it seems pretty good:<P>Change the second sentence to, "I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for the part I played to creat the environment that allowed your affair with <OW> to occur." Your marriage has not yet failed, some would say. Don't give it a premature death.<P>Instead of, "when you weren’t the husband I wanted," consider "when my needs weren't being met." Less judgemental.<P>Instead of, "But I cannot do this in your present state of mind and while you are still in contact with <OW>," consider, "But I cannot do this until you end all contact with <OW> and recommit to our marriage." Referring to his "present state of mind" is too judgemental.<P>Instead of, "If ever you feel that you are willing to work on our marriage....," consider, "When you are willing to work on our marriage...." Same thought with, "If ever you feel the same way and want to work on our relationship...."<P>Good luck,<BR>Dave<P>

InShockinCali...<P>Listen to the changes Dave suggested...<BR>...he's learned alot... <P>Otherwise...<BR>...it is a <B>good</B> letter... <P>Jim

Thanks WAT. I have made the changes you indicated.<P><I>Dear <H>,<P>This will be the hardest letter I will have ever written. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for the part I played in creating the environment that allowed your affair with <OW> to occur.. I foolishly didn’t acknowledge or fix the problems left over from my childhood, I stopped listening to your dreams and meeting your needs and I inappropriately showed anger and frustration when my needs weren’t being met.. I recklessly created a void in our marriage that allowed this affair to happen. You were always available to me when I needed you. You always did what I asked. I wish that you had felt the same about me and had been able to talk to me about what you were feeling and what you needed. My behavior was wrong and I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for any pain I have caused you.<P>I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship or how to meet your needs. I can’t claim to know it all now, but I have recently learned a lot about how to honor, cherish and be a mate, a companion, a best friend to you. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife…about how to be supportive in your quest for finding out about your individuality and who you are. I want to be the type of person you would be proud to have by your side; the same pride I have had to call you my husband.<P>More than anything else in this whole world, I would like to put our mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together as a family. I want us to strive to meet each other’s needs and avoid the mistakes that we made that put us in the place where we find ourselves now. I also want you to have the life you deserve. I want us to create the kind of life for our family that it should have been from the beginning.<P>Since April, I have been trying to give you hope for our marriage by being a better wife for you. I have wanted you to see how good our family is together. But I cannot do this until you end all contact with <OW> and desire to recommit to our marriage. This situation has caused me more pain and anguish than I ever thought I could bear. In order to protect the love I have for you, not to punish or harm you, I believe it would be best that during the separation we have no contact. To protect myself from more pain, I cannot continue to see or talk to you except with regards to our sons. Even then contact will be mostly limited to voicemail or email. I have talked to your family and they have agreed to be intermediaries for the children. We can use them for dropping off and picking up the boys.<P>Financially we will have to decide who’s paying for what. The most pressing issues include, car insurance, the ring, daycare, life insurance and the IRS bill. My thought is that you pay for daycare and I will pay for the rest. If you have a different idea, let me know and we will work it out.<P>Please know that I am not doing this to hurt you or to punish you in anyway. I have to protect myself from more hurt and pain in order to be able to keep my love for you intact. I would like to have a chance of reconciliation in the future. I want you to have the time you say you need to become an individual. I want you to have time to think about our family and our relationship. When you are willing to work on our marriage, I want you to know that I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.<P>I love you <H>. Whether you believe it or not, I have been proud of you as my husband. I have been proud of you as a father. I wanted us to grow old together, enjoy retirement together, enjoy grandchildren together. I have tried my best to let you know how much I love you and desire to have you be my husband. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to guilt you or trap you into staying. I just want you to know that I love you and that I am sorry for all the mistakes I made. Until this happened I can truly say I didn’t realize how much you meant to me, how much I valued you and our marriage. When you feel the same way and want to work on our relationship, I will be willing to listen and would be dedicated to make our marriage a place that you really want to be.<P>I loved you when I married you. I love you now more than I ever realized.<P>Your Wife </I><BR><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Dave makes excellent points...<P>I missed what he perseived as disrespectful judgements...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I wish that you had felt the same about me and had been able to talk to me about what you were feeling and what you needed<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This also may be construed as a disrespectful judgement...<P>One last thing...Steve told me that ZERO contact means ZERO contact...In his estimation everything regarding children can be worked out through a third party...Aside from callamity...<P>Bill

Hi InShockInCal:<P>All and all I think this is a good letter and the suggested changes would make it even better. The only thing I perhaps would leave out is the paragraph about finanacial arrangements (who pays what bill). I just don't think it belongs in this letter...it's something that needs to be worked later...but it's out of place with the tone of this letter.<P>I've read very few Plan B letters that needed as little changing as this one. Parts of it almost made me cry. Hope you never have to use it. Love and Hugs.<P><BR>Faye

With some additions from Rick37's letter.<P>I thank all of you for your comments.<P>-------------------------------------------------------<BR><I>Dear <H>,<P>This will be the hardest letter I will have ever written. I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for the part I played in creating the environment that allowed your affair with <OW> to occur. I foolishly didn’t acknowledge or fix the problems left over from my childhood, I stopped listening to your dreams and meeting your needs and I inappropriately showed anger and frustration when my needs weren’t being met. I recklessly created a void in our marriage that allowed this affair to happen. You were always available to me when I needed you. You always did what I asked. I wish that you had felt the same about me and had been able to talk to me about what you were feeling and what you needed. My behavior was wrong and I would like to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart for any pain I have caused you.<P>I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship or how to meet your needs. I can’t claim to know it all now, but I have recently learned a lot about how to honor, cherish and be a mate, a companion, a best friend to you. I know that we allowed our relationship to be un-nutured for too long. It is easy to see now the mistakes we made, but it was too easy to ignore them in the past. This does not mean it is too late to rebuild our marriage and renew the love we have for each other. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving wife…about how to be supportive in your quest for finding out about your individuality and who you are. I want to be the type of person you would be proud to have by your side; the same pride I have had to call you my husband. <P>More than anything else in this whole world, I would like to put our mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together as a family. I want us to strive to meet each other’s needs and avoid the mistakes that we made that put us in the place where we find ourselves now. I also want you to have the life you deserve. I want us to create the kind of life for our family that it should have been from the beginning. It won’t happen overnight and it will take a lot of work, but we owe it to our children to try hard to make our marriage work. Choosing not to try will leave our problems unresolved and create other more difficult problems.<P>Since April, I have been trying to give you hope for our marriage by being a better wife for you. I have wanted you to see how good our family is together. I have appreciated your willingness to stay and make sure your family is financially stable. I have appreciated your willingness to sleep with me and comfort me. But we cannot recover as a family until you end all contact with <OW> and desire to recommit to our marriage. This situation has caused me more pain and anguish than I ever thought I could bear. In order to protect the love I have for you, not to punish or harm you, I believe it would be best that during the separation we have no contact. To protect myself from more pain, I cannot continue to see or talk to you except with regards to our sons. Even then contact will be mostly limited to voicemail or email. I have talked to your family and they have agreed to be intermediaries for the children. We can use them for dropping off and picking up the boys.<P>Please know that I am not doing this to hurt you or to punish you in anyway. I have to protect myself from more hurt and pain in order to be able to keep my love for you intact. I have to have a chance to heal emotionally from this experience and the fact that you have had this relationship in front of our children. They cannot yet understand the role <OW> has played in the destruction of the family life they deserve, but it has hurt me beyond words. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. I would like to have a chance of reconciliation in the future. I want you to have the time you say you need to become an individual. I want you to have time to think about our family and our relationship. When you are willing to work on our marriage, I want you to know that I will be ready and willing to discuss our future together.<P>I love you <H>. Whether you believe it or not, I have been proud of you as my husband. I have been proud of you as a father. I wanted us to grow old together, enjoy retirement together, enjoy grandchildren together. I have tried my best to let you know how much I love you and desire to have you be my husband. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to guilt you or trap you into staying. I just want you to know that I love you and that I am sorry for all the mistakes I made. Until this happened I can truly say I didn’t realize how much you meant to me, how much I valued you and our marriage. When you feel the same way and want to work on our relationship, I will be willing to listen and would be dedicated to make our marriage a place that you really want to be.<P>I loved you when I married you. I love you now more than I ever realized.<P>Your Wife </I><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Cali - one more thought. Steve suggested for my letter (it's on the Plan A/B board) to use "relationship" instead of "affair." This was primarily because my wife has adamantly denied an "affair." Don't know if this applies to you.<P>WAT

In actuality, the 'relationship' he has with OW that he tells me he would have died without, he's never called it anything except "this heinous thing." <P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

I think it is a great letter. Here are a couple of comments, but definitely not real important.<P>In first paragraph, "I wish that you had felt the same about me and had been able to talk to me about what you were feeling and what you needed"....I'm wondering if this belongs in the second paragraph, and instead of concluding that he did not feel the same about you, say something like "I wish that there had been more open communication between us concerning each other's needs."<P>4th paragraph, I would remove the "not to punish or harm you", since you say that in the next paragraph as well.<P>Instead of "Even then contact will be mostly limited ", how about something like "Even then I request that contact be via voice mail or email. (just to remove the mostly).<P>These are real nitpicks....I think it is so well crafted. I plan on borrowing some thoughts from it.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 01, 2001).]

Thanks Rick37!<BR><B>These are real nitpicks....I think it is so well crafted. I plan on borrowing some thoughts from it.<BR></B><P><BR>I 'borrowed' from you ; it is only fair to return the favor.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Cali, I thought it was great. I am going to steal some ideas from it as well. I'm starting to draft my Plan B on the assumption that H gets back with OW on Monday. If he doesn't, then I won't need it right away, but if he does, then at least I'll have it...