This is the first draft of my Plan B letter. Not sure on the timing, but I have thrown some things in the letter which I'm sure you'll tell me to take out. Nevertheless, I'll start with this, and see what you all think. I'm probably combining too much of a message to OM in it, so be as critical as possible. I looked at alot of Plan B letters, and mixed my own thoughts with some borrowed text, as you might see.<P>I've slid in some stuff that I just want OM to know...I suspect it doesn't belong.<P>Dear <Wife>,<P>The letter I wrote to you last summer to convey my love for you came from the bottom of my heart. Much has happened since then, but even today I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing about your relationship with <OM>. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting all your needs as a husband, and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with <OM> possible.<P>During the past year, I have been reading and learning about relationships and marriages. I know that we allowed our relationship to be un-nurtured for too long. We did not spend enough time to work on us as a loving couple. It is easy to see now, but it was too easy to ignore in the past. This does not mean it is too late to begin rebuilding our marriage and deepening the love that we have for each other. I know that by focusing on meeting each other’s needs in the future, we can have a much healthier and more satisfying relationship than we have ever had. I have learned from the mistakes we made in the past, and have worked on making changes in myself over the past year. I am enjoying my new job and the flexibility that it offers, and I am excited about my future.<P>More than anything else in this world, I want you to be a part of my future as my loving wife. I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I want us to learn to meet each other’s needs and avoid making the same mistakes that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I want to help create the kind of life for us that is better than we ever dreamed. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of work, but we owe it to the children to try hard to make our marriage work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.<P>This past 11+ months was the most emotionally traumatic period of my life. Despite the constant pain that I felt, I continued to maintain hope that we would reconcile, in part because of the numerous conversations where you stated that you might be back. Your concerns about what we would do with your house and furniture in the event of reconciliation also gave me hope. However, the pain and shock that started last June when you suddenly stated your intention of leaving our marriage have not gone away. I waited each night for you to come home until you left in November, yet as painful as it was to know where you had been, I am thankful that you continued to sleep beside me until you moved. I endured this emotional distress because I had one goal in mind, and that was to restore our marriage and our family back to the way it should be.<P>But we cannot recover as a family until you end your relationship with <OM> once and for all - and maintain no contact.<P>Until then, I will minimize all contact with you. Please initiate communication with me only via e-mail or voice mail. I will aim to have the children answer the phone when you call, and I ask the same of you when I call your house to say goodnight to the children. Of course, in case of an emergency, I will suspend this request. I realize the children’s needs may require direct contact from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same. When you come to pick up <Son> and <Daughter>, please remain outside when you arrive, and I will do the same at your house. I will assume that you will continue to work Sunday, and drop the children off one day early, for the weekends that you have the children. Please leave an email or voice mail should this ever change.<P>I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you. I am doing it to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I am also doing it to allow myself to emotionally heal from the pain I have experienced since last June. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM>, and the fact that you have also involved him in the lives of our children. They cannot yet understand the role he has played in the destruction of the family life that they so rightly deserve, but it has hurt me beyond words. I simply cannot associate with you any longer until you end this permanently. I am weary and I cannot fight for our marriage alone anymore. I am also unable to continue being involved in a relationship that is not based on honesty. I still love you, but I cannot see or talk to you under these conditions any longer.<P>I want you as my wife, and I want us to be the united parents for <Son> and <Daughter> that we always wanted to be, together, in a happy marriage and as a happy family. <Son>, <Daughter>, and myself can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, committed to you forever, for better or for worse. Similarly, you can make the three of us very, very happy. We want you and need you to be home with us. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our marriage. You can come to me knowing I will embrace you. Even if you are not sure, I will understand and provide empathy. Forgiveness is not an issue, for I have already forgiven you for your affair with <OM>.<P>As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OM> and acknowledge what happened, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family that we built with our love. I believe we can rebuild our marriage, and meet each other's emotional needs. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life being your loving husband, and provide you with the love and affection that you deserve.<P>I feel like I have spent my whole life loving you. It took me 30 years to find you, and the next 7 I spent with you. As I reflect on the past and the future, I know that I made the right choice. I found the woman that I want to spend my life with, and that woman is you. I fell madly in love with you when we were brought together, and I love you right up to this day. I just cannot be around you or pretend to be friends as long as you are involved with <OM> and you continue to deny what has occurred.<P>I hope you understand my decision. I am doing it to protect the love that I have left for you, and it is the only way that I can preserve this love for some additional period of time.<P>I Love You,<P><Me><P><OM>: I love <Wife> with all my heart, and have never given up on our marriage. I miss my wife and am willing to wait for her to give me the chance to make her happy. I understand that you are not comfortable with your parents knowing about your relationship with a married woman. If this is indeed true, then I ask you to do the right thing, and end your inappropriate relationship with my wife.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited June 01, 2001).]

Rick - terrific. I may steal a few things for mine.<P>Dave

Me too. You gave me ideas on some things I would like to add.<P>A wonderful letter.<P>Good luck,<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Last June was D-Day over here. I was the WS and I choose my marriage and my husband in every way possible. I did a complete 180 and have tried all year to express this to him. He has not once expressed one feeling that you have written above. In fact he is punishing and tormenting me one moment and kind and nice the next. His resentment to the whole thing is so huge a year later that I am giving up hope slowly. Not once did he ever acknowledge any problems in our marriage prior to the affair. If he is not cursing me for not meeting his sexual needs he is cursing the OM who I have not heard from in over 10 months. The reason I heard from him 10 months ago is because my husband scared him. I am in good spirits despite this and if I had not changed my wicked ways I am sure I would still be depressed.<P>Hell, your on your plan b letter and I am still praying for a plan a letter that doesnt involve SEX!!!<P>Your letter is incredible. I hope your wife in time appreciates your sacrifices.

Hi <B>Rick</B> - one thing I would change ...<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>give me the chance to make her happy<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Just that one can never MAKE another happy...Maybe say "give me the chance to help her find happiness"...Don't know, just a thought...<P>Brilliant letter, BTW. Good luck...<P>--DeWayne--

Just about the best letter I've ever seen. All the best to you Rick!

Hey Rick!<P>Okay.. I've re-read your letter a few times, and IMO the only things I can see are these:<P>(2nd paragraph): "I have learned from the mistakes 'WE' made in the past...".<P>Should you use "I" instead of "we"? My mode of thinking is this; if she is still in the fog, and hasn't accepted any responsibility in what's happened, then she might take that comment as a blaming statement.<P>(last paragraph for OM only): Hmm... toughie there. You're threatening to tell his parents (what are we in grade school? LOL), but you haven't actually said that. I like it, don't get me wrong. I'm just worried that OM would show your W his copy, and that could turn into a really big LB.<P>It's an awesome letter. Great job!<P>Karen<BR>

Rick,<P>Great letter! You're the master! One comment,3rd paragraph:<P>"but we owe it to the children...."<P>How 'bout we owe it to OURSELVES and the children.<P>When are you thinking of sending this?<P>All my prayers, you've given this 100% and deserve a happy life.<P>Jay B.

Rick,<P>I like the letter quite a bit. It's on the long side, and you might want to see if you can shorten it a bit.<P>Also, as someone pointed out, I would change the few references to "WE made mistakes" to "I made mistakes".<P>Towards the end you specifically mention your W's "affair" with OM. I believe she never acknowledged it as an affair, so I would replace that with the term you use everywhere else, i.e. her "relationship" with OM. <P>Good Luck,<P>AGG

Rick,<P>I am not good at reading the Plan B letter as all I do is cry through them.<P>After Tue my time, my access to computers maybe very limited, I just wanted to wish you all the best whenever you send your letter. I hope & pray it has the desired results. Your W is crazy to lose a good man like you; your children are richly blessed in their father.<P>Thanks for all the encouragement you have given me over the past months.<P>Sing

Rick -<P>I am so sorry that you even have to write this letter, but from my perspective, I wouldn't change a thing. I'm just glad I never had to get one of these letters myself - they just break my heart. Take Care.

Thanks you for all the comments thus far. I agree with all the changes suggested, and have updated it accordingly. I've also made a few other minor changes, so I'll probably repost within the next week. I don't know the exact date yet, but probably won't post it, because these things are just too unpredictable. Like anyone (I assume), this is a bit scary, and some moments I'm not as committed to it as others, but for the most part, I feel it just has to be done.<P>I expect my wife to go ballistic, and likely make every effort to call me and give me an angry outburst. I think at first the no contact thing won't get to her as much as the identical letter going to OM. I'd like to be a fly on the wall when they next get together after both reading it.<P>I have to talk to Steve, because I want to know if I should respond in the event OM writes me back and claims they had no relationship. I'd be tempted to send one evidence email a day (or every hour) till he gets the point. But I'm sure it is recommended to just ignore it all.<P>Any more comments appreciated. Thanks again.<BR>

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Rick:<P>About the only thing I can see is that you seem to have multiple instances where you say that a) “I can’t talk to you any more until you break off all contact with OM” and b) how much you’ve learned about restoring and repairing your marriage. While b) is important to point out, I think she’ll get it without saying it more than twice.<P>It just seems to me that if you start repeating yourself like that, her eyes may glaze over and she might miss the point of the letter. Perhaps a way to incorporate the instances together? That would shorten it up a bit as well. Great letter overall, though. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

WhoDat - Thanks!

Rick - please post your final plan B letter, even if you're not sure about sending it yet. It's a brilliant letter and I'd love to see the final version,<BR>Thanks, Paint

Paint - Thanks. And I can thank lots of people on here who I patterned my letter after, and "borrowed" portions from.<P>I'll post it sometime after my talk with Steve Friday. I would like a final review anyway