My husband has been involved in an affair for almost 10 months now. I found out about it in March when all the facts came into place and he acknowledged it. He has not let her go and I have kicked him out of our house saying he cannot have it both ways. We have been seperated for almost 2 months now. I do see him as he wants to see our 7 month old son. He states he wants so much for our marriage to be wonderful and that he wants what he has with this woman for us, but he is unable and perhaps unwilling to let her go. They spend weekends away and I believe he may even be living with her. It is very painful and my whole life has turned a 180. Now the thought of being a single mom is lonely. My desire was to stay at home and raise my son. Its hard to let go of those desires.<BR> My last thread of hope is that he is willing to go to a marriage reconciliation class, but I wonder if it is even worth it if he hasnt given her up. And I am even wondering if I will ever get past all what he has done. The images I have of seeing her and him together and all the emails I have come across and the bold faced lies and deceipt that occured. How do you ever get past any of that? Why would I want to even continue my life with someone with that lack of integrity? I just think of my son growing up without his daddy. Or if he sees his daddy, I shutter at the thought my son will have to spend time with her as well. I am a christian and I believe God will take care of my son and I. My husband also claims to be a christian, but I can't understand how a man can do such a cruel thing to his family and call himself a christian. Is it really worth the effort to hold out any hope?

I am sorry to hear all you are going through. There are many people on this site who are living through situations similar to yours.<P>My suggestion is that you start out by reading the book "Surviving an Affair", read all of the material on this web site. The post here for support. <P>Before you can answer your question as to whether or not it is worth your while to try to make your marriage work you need information. This web site will give you that. There is hope but it is not an easy road. Nor is it an easy road to be a single mom. Guess what I'm saying is that either path you take, there will be hardships. <P>When you read the material, you might want to pay close attention to the plan B stuff. The first step to reconciliation and recovery is that your husband has to stop all contact with the OW (other woman). The material i've mentioned will explain this and a lot more.<P>Good Luck,<BR>Z

tornasunder,<P>I am very sorry for your pain. As confusing and insane as things seem, I have learned from some of the senior members here that even a situation such as yours can offer recovery. It seems to me that it is important to find a very good counsellor, and it is a great sign that 1) your H. actually admitted is A and 2) he is willing to do the work to evaluate and maybe repair your marriage.<P>It must be hard to give up the dreams of the life pattern you wanted, and I can't imagine going through the pain with a 7-month-old along for the ride. <P>Read all you can on this site - you might want to consider arranging an appointment with one of the Harleys. People here will tell you that the pain does become manageable, and it is possible to feel joy again.<P>Good luck with your baby, try to get rest and don't be afraid to ask for help.<P>God bless,<P>Robyn

Welcome <B>tornasunder</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I'm not sure how much of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... you did?<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You may be in need of a Plan B...<BR>Check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000413.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 201</A>...<BR><B>after you've understood the MB concepts</B>!<P><B>This</B> is the place for support!<P>You too are not alone!!!<P>Take a breath....<BR>...recoupe your composure...<BR>...learn all you can!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hi Tornasunder:<P>Welcome to MB...God had blessed you by allowing you to find this site in your hour of need. <P>The others have given you some good information about starting to deal with this matter but I wanted to address one issue in your post.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> ...but I wonder if it is even worth it if he hasnt given her up. And I am even wondering if I will ever get past all what he has done. The images I have of seeing her and him together and all the emails I have come across and the bold faced lies and deceipt that occured. How do you ever get past any of that? Why would I want to even continue my life with someone with that lack of integrity? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know your husband but I have met some other WS online and have come to realize that affairs are not about integrity or lust or even lack of love for the BS....they are about the parties in a marriage not meeting each other's emotional needs and one or both parties turning to others to get that need met...that doesn't mean they are bad people...just people who are hurting and who found a way to make that pain go away. And it's that realization that makes it possible to forgive and try to move forward in the marriage with a new commitment to meet each other needs. <P>We stumble into marriage with very few instruction about how to make it work and sometimes we make mistakes...because we're ignorant of what the other needs...and poor communications between the partners does nothing to rememdy that...and the end result can be an affair if the right conditions come together (for either partner). But an affair is not the end of the marriage....it can be just a difficult time in the marriage that can result in valuable lessons learned....or it can end in the divorce court. The choice is up to you.<P>Stay awhile and see what you can learn from others who have been there.<P>Faye<P>

Welcome,<P>Sorry you have to be here, but the support and advice are invaluable, so glad you found the site.<P>Your H has no idea what he wants or what to do with is life. Read as much as you can from NSRs links. That is the starting point for anyone coming to MB.<P>In answer to your question, yes it is worth the effort to hold out hope. Your H is in an affair, which is an addiction. Most never last. Something like 97%. You can't really educate him that the grass isn't greener on the other side, he has to find out for himself, and he will. Educating is like trying to reason with an alcoholic.<P>Plan A is important up until you decide to Plan B, which is ending all contact with him. Read about both of these.<P>I would recommend you talk to Steve Harley, the marriage counsellor that runs MarriageBuilders. Many of us have spoken to him, and it is invaluable. He'll put things into perspective, and help you better understand affairs, and how the wayward spouse (WS) is feeling.<P>The good thing is that he could also talk to your H, given that your H is willing to attend classes. If you could get him to this site to read postings and learn, that would also help. It is a good sign that he will attend some kind of counselling.<P>Post and ask questions, because you aren't alone, and we all help each other.<P>