Thought I use my old name, so everyone would know who I was.<P>H & I talked Fri. as neither one of us can end it, we decided where OS will go to summer school & then we will return here. H is not very happy but this is his decision. I have told him to go back to OW if that is what he wants. He says he has no choice but to stay. So we agreed. Now this path will be very hard & in some ways we have been down it before, with no success but this time if H does not keep his promises to OW, I believe it will finally be over. H would be here for several wk by himself & then pick up YS to visit H's parents while OS finishes summer school. Then we would return here around Aug 1st.<P>Okay, so here we are. Last time H tried to break off with OW, around Mother's Day, she called constantly, no calls this time. H had house phone last night & I would not had been able to hear it but caller ID showed 7 calls from overseas, could had been her or his H-town office. <P>But something just doesn't feel right. Last summer when the packers where packing our house up, he got cold feet & I wanted us not to come but he couldn't say it. I am afraid to get on that plane Tue, that I will then find an email saying he has changed his mind again, he has quit job & our stuff is being packed & shipped.<P>Most all of my feelings are usually dead on. I knew he was in H-town last week & I was right. I feel like he is trying to pull something on me. According to his emails he is. I can only read what OW writes & what is included from his to her. He is telling her, that he is leaving her next Fri, he is only staying to pack our stuff up, that this is better for them, & even asked her to come over & help him pack.<P>Now there is not enough mileage for boys & I to upgrade to biz class but there is for OW to fly over & pack my things up. I really don't want him to know that I get in to his emails again. But I don't want to leave here & him do this to me.<P>OS has to be back in TX to register for summer school by late next wk. I am going to ask H, if he is sure this is what he wants, us work it out, that if he has doubts that now is the time, not after we leave.<P>From his emails to OW sounds as if he is telling her, that I am coming back to find a place to live etc.<BR> <P>I really don't know what to do, I have a little over 60 hrs before I get on a plane to leave here for good or just for 2 mths, I don't know.<P>Why would H lie to me? I told him I go back to TX for now, why do something that will only make our relationship far worse, does he think I would be cooperative after this, how cruel can you be, our sons would not be able to say good bye their friends. OS is in such a fragile state now, even though he did well on his exams. The school will now reevaluate their decision in Aug regarding his enrollment due to his strong exam finish. But to leave here thinking he is returning, then find out his dad lied, that we will be divorcing, not retuning here, what will it do to him. <P>I am so mad but I am in a state of shock, I know that fog does a lot of things to our WS but why do this to his family. Why make things that much harder. Why make me mad? Why make me an enemy? The man I once knew would never do anything so underhanded as this but the man I once knew is dead I guess.<P>I just have wanted it to be over. I would have left peacefully, I could have tried to be friends but to literally stab me in the back to get what he wants. I put back the money from the sale of the house I had split it between our joint checking & savings, H thought I had put in my personal savings, I had by mistake, I changed it our joint. I have never tried to hurt my H during all this mess, even though he thinks I told people to hurt him. I didn't, I told when I no longer could hide it.<P>I don't know what to do.

Sing,<P>I am fairly new to this forum and I dont know your whole story ( started reading with the post about OS)...<P>I am a true believer in GUT feelings. If he is still communcating to her I doubt it is over. If you do not feel good about leaving DONT... IF IT DONT FEEL RIGHT..IT ISNT RIGHT ..PERIOD. He cant even tell you to trust him, because he violated the trust in you marriage. I think YOU should stay behind and help him pack...can you send your sons ahead?? is there family where ever it is you are going?<BR>that would be the best solution that way they are out of the middle of all this. you stay and be with your H.<P>Now a question...a biggy...( I am only asking cuz this happened to a very good friend). You "gave back" your half of the sale of the house. DO YOU TRUST your husband?..My friends H went through so much of their money while having his affair( wining/dining and gifts)...they sold their home and he took off with OW and the proceeds (to Canada)..she had to move back home to her parents..she had been a stay at home mom. She is on her feet now but that guy left her and the kids, and they were still young ( 7&10). I am sorry but I hope you know this man well enough ( I thought I knew my H of 17 years...and I still look at him and wonder who he is)...<P>Sing, If I were you...I would send the kids ahead or to a family member ( if possible), and stay right beside Hubby in this. Of coursr since he has invite OW..he is not going to be happy. But you not only have your husband at stake here..but funds.. you could always change that bank acct were it requires BOTH signatures to get the money out....he should NOT have a problem with that..if he is being honest.<BR>I always go with my gut instincts..and as you have stated..you have not been wrong yet..GOOD LUCK MC

Wow, sing, I don't know what to tell you. I don't have a lot of confidence in any of my thoughts. But I do validate your feelings and you still sound to me like you're thinking clearly. One idea, if you really think this is the final decision opportunity as you describe, you could spill the beans on what you know from the e-mails. Yep, it'll really piss him off, but it might force out the truth. I know you've already considered this. If your gut is right, you've got nothing to lose doing this. What do you others think?<P>WAT

Magnolia (edited June 02, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Steel Magnolia (edited June 02, 2001).]

What about confronting him and saying "I have a bad feeling about me leaving at a time like this. What exactly are your intentions? Will the OW be here while I am gone? Should we rework the logistics of this to minimize time apart?"<P>Do your children have grandparents or aunts and uncles in TX? What if they could stay with them for a while? It would be like a vacation (of sorts)from everything. Possibly it would do OS good to be around a stable male family figure. At the same time, you and H could resolve some things with out the distractions of children.<P>just a few thoughts.<BR>cleo

Dear Sing,<P>You are definitely in a predicament that is made more difficult by your time crunch. I am not sure abut telling about the e-mails but I definitely would tell H that if he is setting up his family for failure by lying to all of you, that you can not guarantee that you will be there for him. This sounds harsh but is he really leaving you an viable alternatives? <P>Is your YS staying with him and OS going with you? If yes, then would your H really bring OW to be around your YS? I can see how confused this is making you, it would me also. <P>I guess what I do is not to try to make him mad but be firm about the truth. Tell him there is very little time left before you leave, the truth is vital to your future. If he tells you the truth, you can work with it but anything less will destroy the entire family. The boys will know when the father is not speaking the truth and regardless of how much he 'says' he loves them, what do you expect the children to think of their dad who has lied to them and their mother?<P>That would be how I would attack this situation. <P>Take Care. Sending BIG <<<<HUGS>>>> your way.<BR>L.<P>

Well I tipped toed aroung the subject. 1st I asked if OW knew he wasn't coming back, what does it matter to you, then I said guess you think it is none of my buisness, got a mumbled reply<P>a little later I ask okay just to make sure we are on the right page, I am taking OS to summer school, & then later this summer we are returning, he answers I guess<P>me: Mon I need to see about school for OS,<P>him: I guess<P>me: you are not going to change your mind are you?<P>him: no answer<P>me: you wouldn't change it after we get to the states would you<P>him: just a digusted shurg<P>me: this is going to be very hard for you, you will have doubts, you will want to change your mind<P>him: no answer, still not looking at me<P>me: if you do change please do it before we leave<P>him; still no answer<P>me; guess i am bothering you<P>him: no answer<P>me; who is staying up to wait for OS<P>So okay, I sort of wimped out<P>Thanks Dave, Cleo, & Orchid & my Cross too.<P>This is what blows my mind, if he is planning this he has stated repeatly that he wants us to be amicalbe if we split, how could we if he does something like this<P>And what does he think OS will do.....we are talking about kid that every professional who hears what he has been doing describes his behavior as acting out.......I thought we were going to be united in our effort to help him, how would thinking you are returning then finding out you are not help him.<P>Maybe H is just waiting to closer to time for us to leave to tell me, so I will have no choice but to leave to get OS in summer school, <P>I hope I will not leave here without confronting the issue

Hi Sing,<P>My dear, hold onto to your instincts. The fact that your H could not or would not answer your questions (which are legit) is an answer. You may need to let him know that non-verbal communication as he gave you will be taken as an affirmation. I had to do that with H. The fogheads like to hide behind a non verbal response, in their fogheads they think they are getting away with murder. Expose that trick!!!! Then let him know yu based on his words and actions you will be making some decisions but don't spill the beans. Let him wonder for a change (kind of tough love/plan b stuff without the letter - like a trial run) But do it with love. <P>Hope I don't get slammed for that suggestion but that is what I did. <P>Keeping you in my thoughts today.<P>L.<BR>

Sing, <P>I agree with Orchid! When my H doesn't give a verbal answer it is equal to affirmation. He has told me this himself. Some people lie by omission. Maybe he feels that if he doesn't say anything that you will assume that it is not so. <P>Sounds like your instincts are right on. You have some tough decisions that appear to have a deadline now. If there is anyway for your kids to stay with family and you to stay with H for a month or so, I would do it.<BR>my thoughts are with you.<BR>cleo

Well, nothing has happened so far today.<P>everytime I ask him something about what to do this summer, all I get is I don't know.<P>For someone who says he loves his boys more than anything, he doesn't seem to care what happens once they get on that airplane. <P>What time do we get to H-town,<P>I don't know<P>Do you think we should stay at the airport, when we get in<P>I don't know<P>The car (it never sold, long story)should I email .... & get him to leave the car<P>I don't know<P>Or should I just rent a car<P>I don't know<P>Think I found a hotel out where we need to be, what do you think<P>I don't know<P>IT IS SO MADDENING, I can face the fact that he could care less if I drop off the face of the planet, but all of this involes the boys.<P>Looks as if I am going to have to force the issue again. Think I am going to apporach it from, you don't seem to be very intrested in the logisicts of this summer, why. HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND? Tell me now.<P>However I think I will pack my suitcase as if I am not coming back. I don't know if the container would come to me. <P>

No slamming Orchid here. You must take control because he doesn't want to make a decision or he isn't man enough to speak it. Maybe this is his subconscious way of letting you make the right decision for you and your boys - he's too much of a coward to do it himself. Sorry, sing, I'm geting really pissed off at him. <P>dave

Also, aske him "yes or no" questions. Nothing open ended that requires too much brain power. <BR>You are right, he may be waiting on you to do all the work. You should plan for your life as if he is not going to participate. That way you are prepared. If he does decide to start being a father and husnband again, you will have lost nothing.<P>take care sing!<BR>cleo

Dear sing,<P>I'm also a true believer in gut feelings!<P>Plus, he's just not helping you, so you do have to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.<P>What, truly, do you want to do???<P>(((((sing)))))

Sing, you need to protect you and your children financially. I would put my half of the house sale $$ in my own name. The fact he keeps saying I don't know or no answer would put me in self-preservation mode fast!! Take care and I hope things work out.