Hi, <P>You can see my first post, "I am new, I was a betrayer" if you need to understand more about the situation.<P>It's been 3 months since D-Day, I am the WS and the A was trying to be ended for several months before D Day. (As hard as it was for me to have to explain to H, I am so glad I did tell him about the A because it freed me from the OM/A.)It is just wonderful not to have him smiling at me 3 times a week and blowing my mind. I wanted to break away from the feelings I was having and to stay completely away has been the key to that. <P>We have cut off all correspondence, etc from the other family. We were (kinda) close. OM and H had conflict about other things (they are the opposite from each other) and so did OM's wife and myself.(we are also the opposite of each other.)A better way to put it was that we saw each other 3 times a week- at church.<P>Our kids were very close, however, and here's the problem.Some people have tried to get our kids together so that they can be together again. Problem, H and I don't like this idea, especially H. Oh, and OM's wife would be there.<P>From what I have heard, OM's wife is pushing the idea. Sure, since she thinks that I am the pursuer of the A, and that he was "used". Please! She also told her family that I had no remorse for what I have done. I don't know if she ever told them different.<P>Also, I know that H is afraid that I'll hear stuff about OM(through the kids) and vice versa and that what I hear will make me soften towards him. At this point, I see OM as a spinless worm that blamed everything on me when he has been a nasty person for years! (I didn't know that, I thought he was wonderful.)<P>I also don't trust OM's wife one bit- I worry that she would try to turn my kids against me ... they know she is wacky, but I still just don't like the idea. <P><BR> The kids range from 9 to 17 years old- old enough to talk about it. I am not saying they should never be together, but that it is too soon. <P>I want to do the healthy thing, so if you have any input, I'd be glad to hear it. I will honor H's feelings , though, even if others think I should do otherwise, but wanted to see if y'all have any input.<P>Thanks so much for the abundant help I have found on here!<BR>F<P>

What a sticky situation. I have stepchildren, and how my H and I deal is we know how irate my st-son's mom is, so he brings him out of her home for visits.<P>The OW has just given birth to my H child, but we don't know where they are, no contact.<P>The 17 year olds seem to be able to be at the age where they can maintain their social activities apart from your issues. The 9 year olds, though, are much younger. In that case it would cause much friction. Why are these outside people crossing the boundaries of you and your husband's marriage anyway? Were they this involved in helping to stop the A too? In other words, your H is very uncomfortable with your children and the OM's and all four of you having to be together even in that scenario. That would be decision enough for me. Give it some thought....

It sounds as thought your children having contact with the OM's children will simply cause too much trouble in your marriage. There is no need for the contact between the children to be any more then is absolutely necessary - like activities in the church.<P>If it is uncomfortable, then just don't do it. <P>I have a very simple rule about this type of thing. I do not let my children associate with anyone who does not treat me with the utmost respect. If I do, then my children will learn that it is alright to show me disrespect. When I limit my children <P>However I am not going to punish children for their parent's rudeness. If the parents are the disrespectful ones, then the children may come to my house and play but my children. However, my children may not play at their house.<P>Once I put this restriction in place, I find that the "disrespectful" parent then suddenly does not want their children to come to my house... because it is disrespectful to them. Oh how terrible ;-). <P>So they become the bad guy, not me. The only time I have not seen this work is when the "disrespectful parent" really wants free babysitting more then anything else. And that's ok with me as long as their little darlings behave in my home. I would never tell a child that he/she may not play with my child because their parents are jerks. The poor child did not get to pick their parents.<P>My advice to you is that you do what is best for your marriage. Everything else will fall into place.<P><BR>Z<BR><p>[This message has been edited by zorweb (edited June 02, 2001).]

Zorweb and ymon,<BR>Thanks for the input. I was kinda thinking the same thing- if it isn't what my H thinks is best, then I won't do it. I want to make him happy. Besides, things change in time and this can too, if it's God's will.<BR>Thanks!<BR>F

I agree with everyone else. It has only been 3 months since Dday and I am sure your husband is still in such enormous pain that you will never understand it. The thought that he would have as well as you potential contact with the OM and the OM's wife is simply cruel to even consider this. If the roles were reverse would you like to have your children in contact with the women who had been having sex with your husband. How can you even consider this after 3 months?<BR>Are you seriously aware of the pain and humiliation you gave to your husband? He will perceive this as you rubbing it in his face? You should be happy that your husband is willing to work and stay in your marriage without being forced to even have you ask him what is opinion is concerning this.

Hi, Bryan,<BR>I am not wanting this to happen. If you'll see my first post, you'll see :<BR>"Some people have tried to get our kids together so that they can be together again. Problem, H and I don't like this idea, especially H."<P>Believe it or not, the OM's wife is wanting the kids to get together. It makes no sense to me, unless she has ulterior motives-seems it would hurt her too...<P>The only reason I have sought the feedback of others is because I want to hear other opinions . There maybe something that we're not thinking of. I feel terrible about my kids having to suffer for what I did. <P>I haven't even asked H if he wants to do this. He said in the beginning that he wanted all contact cut off, and I have never tried to change his mind. <P>Thanks,<BR>F

To Wentcrazy:<P>I am sorry but you cleared it up some misunderstanding on my part. I agree with you that you should watch out for the OM's wife. It really sounds like she is up to something and you know it will not be good for you. It does not seem logical for her to do this unless she has something up her sleeve.<BR>I wish you good luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bryanp:<BR><B>To Wentcrazy:<P>I wish you good luck.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Thanks- We're working hard on our marriage and I only want what is best for it. <BR>F<P>

dear went crazy,<BR>i usually don't post on this board...mostly i come here to achieve a kind of attitudinal ballance. i lurk, read, learn, agree but mostly disgree with the approach taken by many here...however, i infrequently post.<P>after reading a couple of your posts, however, i feel a kind of need in me to say a few things.<P>1. from what i understand, your ex lover's wife has never done a thing to you, yet, you snydely "bad mouth" her as if it were you that was victimized! let's understand something here...YOU were the one who wronged her! you were sleeping with her husband, she was not sleeping with yours. if any body is due an apology, it's her! if anybody has a right tobe angry, it's her.<P>2. next you claim the OM that led you into this life of sin...as if you had nothing to do with it!! so, he tied you up and raped you did he? you never decided to sneak around behind your husbands back on your own? you never took your cloths off of your own volition and laid down and had sex with thim? he forces all this on you, you poor innocent? PLEASE!! your sanctimonious tone is not just disgusting...it's insulting! <P>3. you ended the affair? or did the OM? if he still had wanted you what then? if he had not blaimed the whole thing on you but took total responsibilty for everthing on his own...what then? would you still be in love with him? would you then still chose your husband and family?..or would you be back out there sneaking around behind your husband's back?<P>i'm sorry but your whole act strikes me as being a little tired. you cheat, on your husband, your family, on fellow members of your religious community, (and yes i believe a case can be made for the last statement); accept nothing but token responsability for your own acts and come here seeking validation for yourself. please! you're disgusting! <P>poodlepapa

first, poodlepapa/barry, I think you're being too judgemental without giving someone the benefit of the doubt. This is a healing ground.<P>Wentcrazy, I am the BS, my husband and I are in the same boat as you only it's been 22 months since DDay. I have a 10 year old daughter that played DAILY with the OW's son. We moved about 1 mile away and we no longer let them play together. (no contact is no contact) It's been hard though. She STILL asks why. (I just said we had a "grown up problem" and felt this was best ) She STILL wants to play with him and it tears at my heart that she too has to suffer for this. I thought at her young age she'd move on to another friend, she hasn't. <P><BR>

wentcrazy - my wife's affair is with her (former) best friend's husband - the OF (other family) lives within shouting distance. Both infidels now live away from the families. We were very close families and our kids were very close (the OM and son were pallbearers in my deceased son's funeral). The only answer is complete severance of all the friendships, regardless of who was at fault. NOTHING, NADA, ZIP, ZERO. There can be no other way. No contact with anyone from the other family will be my solution, even if my wife and I don't reconcile. I won't be able to move far enough away, but at least I'll move out of sight.<P>WAT

PoodlePapa,BrighterDays,Worthatry,<BR>I am unable to respond today but I hope to tomorrow morning. <BR>F

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by poodlepapa/barry:<BR><B>dear went crazy,<BR>i usually don't post on this board...mostly i come here to achieve a kind of attitudinal ballance. i lurk, read, learn, agree but mostly disgree with the approach taken by many here...however, i infrequently post.<P>after reading a couple of your posts, however, i feel a kind of need in me to say a few things.<P>1. from what i understand, your ex lover's wife has never done a thing to you, yet, you snydely "bad mouth" her as if it were you that was victimized! let's understand something here...YOU were the one who wronged her! you were sleeping with her husband, she was not sleeping with yours. if any body is due an apology, it's her! if anybody has a right tobe angry, it's her.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>First of all, PP/B, I want to say that it appears you haven't read my posts all the way. Perhaps you were in a hurry or angry at what you thought I was saying , but after reading what I am posting, I'd reccommend your looking over my posts (I am new, I was a Betrayer was the first one, where I introduced myself). <BR>What I have a problem with OM's wife about is at least 2 things. After I exposed the A and apologised profusely in several emails, insulting myself in the process, she told her family I had no remorse at all. I later made sure that most of them know. About 2 weeks ago, she expressed to a friend of ours that she didn't think I was sorry about what happened,which is totally unreal, because I have bent over backwards to show her I am, and she has heard through others that I have been in terrible emotional shape due to guilt. <BR>You say she has never done anything to me, but you don't know all the details. It would be better to ask if she had done anything to me in that case, wouldn't it? She has talked me down to her family for years because I was looked up to as being someone that took care of herself and her home while she was just the opposite. It was because of her slovenly ways that I felt sorry for her family over the years because of the horrible mess that the family has to live in. <B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><P>2. next you claim the OM that led you into this life of sin...as if you had nothing to do with it!! so, he tied you up and raped you did he? you never decided to sneak around behind your husbands back on your own? you never took your cloths off of your own volition and laid down and had sex with thim? he forces all this on you, you poor innocent? PLEASE!! your sanctimonious tone is not just disgusting...it's insulting! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>PP/B, where do you get the idea that I said I had nothing to do with it? Why do I feel tremendous guilt if I had nothing to do with it? I didn't say he tied me up and raped me (whew) and I even said that I didn't take all my clothes off! <B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><P>3. you ended the affair? or did the OM? if he still had wanted you what then? if he had not blaimed the whole thing on you but took total responsibilty for everthing on his own...what then? would you still be in love with him? would you then still chose your husband and family?..or would you be back out there sneaking around behind your husband's back?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Let me see if I can make this make sense. After the sexual part (8 months before the A was exposed) both of us backed off. We both called each other at times because we missed each other, but never met again. We were both willing to meet at times but didn't because circumstances were'nt right , or one wanted to more than the other. He did come by at one time and ask for a kiss- I gave it to him. He suggested coming by another time and I said it was a bad idea. So, the answer to your question was that we both ended it, but both wanted to meet at times afterwards but didn't. <BR>What you don't understand and maybe I wasn't clear enough in my other posts is that I really loved him and wanted to be around him. He gave me what I needed emotionally and I was thrilled to have someone love me like he seemed to. BUT I didn't want to "go all the way", and he was supposed to have felt the same way. <BR><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><P>i'm sorry but your whole act strikes me as being a little tired. you cheat, on your husband, your family, on fellow members of your religious community, (and yes i believe a case can be made for the last statement); accept nothing but token responsability for your own acts and come here seeking validation for yourself. please! you're disgusting! <P>poodlepapa</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Well, PP/B, I don't know exactly what you are meaning when you say<B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR> you cheat, on your husband, your family, on fellow members of your religious community, (and yes i believe a case can be made for the last statement);</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I do think I take a lot of responsibility for all this. I made a confession in front of my entire church (got up and read it myself) saying what I had done and asking for prayers on my behalf, my husbands, my family's and the OM's wife. <BR>This was after I knew that she had spread all his lies around, telling that I had chased him , begging him for his body and he finally gave in. She also told her family that I was not even sorry. Now she is trying to hurt my friendships, at least it really looks that way.<P>In fact, I thought that he and I were equal in the relationship till he started lying about me. Then I sat down and took stock of everything that had happened during the A and talked to others about some things that he had done, (asking for a pair of panties was one thing that I'll never understand). <BR>Later I learned that he has admitted to making nasty advances towards women, says he has a terrible problem with women and needs to have someone with him at all times.(I agree) I have also found out that in years past, he has approached women for sex and has been threatened by other men for flirting with their wives. <P>I don't know why I have taken so much time to answer you, I may never convince you that I am sorry for my part in this, etc. <P>When I first read your post yesterday, it hurt me terribly. I thought all day of how I'd answer you. I am sure I haven't covered all the bases I meant to, but this is for sure. I have evaluated all that happened. I have had to face up to the fact that I loved someone else besides my husband and that I wanted to be with him all I could, and it led to adultery, which I didn't want, but I was very wrong for putting myself in the situation to begin with. <P>I will not reply to anymore of your posts if they are abusive. I have expressed remorse , I believe, and every morning I wake up with the knowledge of what I have done and every night I go to bed with it. All points in between I am haunted with it, so I don't need to have to answer someone that doesnt' know what good person I was before I did this awful thing and how hard I am trying to regain everyone's trust in me again. You can't know the pain I endure as a result of what I have done. It is tremendous, and I hope that others I helped to hurt can heal too. <P>Have a nice day.<BR>wentcrazy

wentcr <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by brighterdays:<BR><B>first, poodlepapa/barry, I think you're being too judgemental without giving someone the benefit of the doubt. This is a healing ground.<P><BR>Wentcrazy, I am the BS, my husband and I are in the same boat as you only it's been 22 months since DDay. I have a 10 year old daughter that played DAILY with the OW's son. We moved about 1 mile away and we no longer let them play together. (no contact is no contact) It's been hard though. She STILL asks why. (I just said we had a "grown up problem" and felt this was best ) She STILL wants to play with him and it tears at my heart that she too has to suffer for this. I thought at her young age she'd move on to another friend, she hasn't. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Brighterdays, I am soooo sorry for all you have gone through.(Doesn't BS mean Betrayed Spouse? I wish I could find a legend to acronyms used on this site- I think I have them right but could use some help on them.)<BR>My kids know what happened, I told them and my parents the day after I told H. It was so hard, but they seem to have forgiven me.<P> The only one that admits he wants to be in contact with the kid his age is the oldest- 16.They were close. <P>Thanks for your input. It seems that others around me don't understand how important it is for there not to be any contact, even OM's wife, and from what I hear she has read Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair. In light of that, her desire to get them together puzzles me.<BR> I hope your daughter will get to feeling better soon. Poor baby.<BR>Thanks again. <BR>wentcrazy<P>

Hi, Worth A Try,<BR>I am sorry your family and the OF are so close geographically. That must be very hard. We are about 25 miles away at this point and our paths cross very seldom. <BR>I am glad to hear your input on this, since you are a man and the betrayed spouse. It helps me understand my husband's feelings, even though, like I say, I am not wanting them to be together and I am very glad to do what he wants. His happiness is my main concern now.<BR>Thanks for your input, and I appreciate your kind attitude towards me, since I was a betrayer. Oh, I hate to say that, but it is true. I am very glad I can say it in the past tense, though.<BR>wentcrazy