my husband and I have been married for 17 years. Last year he had an affair with one of our office staff. Broke my heart, lost all trust for anyone. We did get back together and went to christian counseling. Things get better, then go back to the hum drum. I couldn't imagine how he could do me that way. We weren't getting along, but to have an affair! Now I understand. Obviously things were awful between us then and someone came along that made him feel good, someone to talk to. That's how I see it now because I have met someone that has stolen my heart. We've only met and talked a couple of times, but I can see how it could excalate very quickly and easily. I don't want to hurt my husband by doing the same thing to him. My heart says RUN, my mind says WHAT ARE YOU DOING?. I feel like my husband has become my brother - have felt that way for sometime - no intimacy, only small talk or talk of business. He still lies to me to stay out of trouble. For example there is this young girl we both know, he would call her to go have a drink or she would call him. I don't THINK they would do anything, but who knows, I didn't think the other one would either. I asked him to stop doing that because it was inapropriate. Then last week I find out that she had called him to meet for a drink and he did. He told her not to tell me because I would just get mad and that I thought they were seeing each other intimatly. He told her he "Had it covered" with me. I do take my marriage vows seriously and had just decided to stay in it and see if it got better. I do not trust him, I don't feel sexual about him. It feels like a brother/sister relationship or a business relationship. The man I met is turning my head and making me question all the things that I thought were right. What to do? I am a mess emotionally.<p>[This message has been edited by CAGNEY (edited June 03, 2001).]

RUN!!!<P>Please RUN!!!<P>Get away from this man....<BR>Talk to your H about it...<BR>Ask your H to help you keep away from this potential OM...<P>If you don't escape this...<BR>...you will spiral down to the worse possible existance.<P>See a counselor immediately!<BR>See a minister/priest/whatever!<P>Learn all you can here starting at the...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>!!!<P>Ask... and then listen...<BR>...all the responses here will follow what I suggest...<BR>...there is a reason for that!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

NSR thanks for your reply. Why should I trust my H anymore. I edited my original message with issues on lying. H's lies to me. It just goes on and on. How do you keep someone who supposedly loves you from lying. How can I ever trust what he says to me.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>RUN!!!<P>Please RUN!!!<P>Get away from this man....<BR>Talk to your H about it...<BR>Ask your H to help you keep away from this potential OM...<P>If you don't escape this...<BR>...you will spiral down to the worse possible existance.<P>See a counselor immediately!<BR>See a minister/priest/whatever!<P>Learn all you can here starting at the...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>!!!<P>Ask... and then listen...<BR>...all the responses here will follow what I suggest...<BR>...there is a reason for that!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

PS: my heart says run from my marriage not the OM.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>RUN!!!<P>Please RUN!!!<P>Get away from this man....<BR>Talk to your H about it...<BR>Ask your H to help you keep away from this potential OM...<P>If you don't escape this...<BR>...you will spiral down to the worse possible existance.<P>See a counselor immediately!<BR>See a minister/priest/whatever!<P>Learn all you can here starting at the...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A>!!!<P>Ask... and then listen...<BR>...all the responses here will follow what I suggest...<BR>...there is a reason for that!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Your ability to offer even the slightest effort of reconciliation with your H is greatly impaired by the OM.<P>If you can't make a commitment to separate from the OM...<BR>...tell you H of it... and then both start counseling...<BR>...right now...<P>...you will just spiral away from the marriage...<BR>...and your life... will never be the same.<P>I understand your H is lying...<BR>...and yes this has to be addressed...<BR>...but by keeping the relationship up with the OM...<BR>...you are lying too!<BR>...and that needs to be addressed as well.<P> <P>Jim

Thanks. I know this is a lie. I don't want to be a lier. I hate it. I know I must make the right decision. I don't want to hurt me or him (my H). I feel that if I were hapy in my marriage I wouldn't have looked twice. Never have before. We went through almost a year of counseling and towards the end we decided to stop going because it seemed fruitless - nothing to talk about. Guess there are some more things that need to be addressed Huh? While it is true I am married and I don't want to do the affair thing, I really like this guy. My thoughts at this point becuase of the past are to divorce my husband then pursue a relationship with the OM. Crazy huh. I don't feel like trying with my H anymore. It's soooo hard. I feel like I do all the giving and changing and he just takes. I feel like our relationship is just a convenience to my H. He doesn't make me feel special or respected or any of those things that I think I should feel from him. I know I need to get away from the OM, but he makes me feel alive, special, pretty. At this point I crazily would chunk the 17 years to see what else is out there. Just being honest. I am going to make an appointment with my counselor.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>Your ability to offer even the slightest effort of reconciliation with your H is greatly impaired by the OM.<P>If you can't make a commitment to separate from the OM...<BR>...tell you H of it... and then both start counseling...<BR>...right now...<P>...you will just spiral away from the marriage...<BR>...and your life... will never be the same.<P>I understand your H is lying...<BR>...and yes this has to be addressed...<BR>...but by keeping the relationship up with the OM...<BR>...you are lying too!<BR>...and that needs to be addressed as well.<P> :)<P>Jim</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

CAGNEY,<P>Ever try jointly filling out and discussing the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>???<P>How about filling out what ENs are met by your OM...<BR>...and then discuss that with your H (maybe your counselor first.)<P>Most people think of me as a success story...<BR>...<B>and I am</B>...<BR>...but it was through the Plan A -> Plan B -> divorce... route!<P>I'll tell you honestly...<BR>...divorcing is the worse experience of my life...<BR>...and I would recommend to anyone... to try and reconciliation... until the door is completely shut!!<P>You have my thoughts and prayers.<P> <P>Jim