My H called me at work on Friday to talk to me of how rumor mill works at his school. (yeah, right) I had heard of a rumor about OW and H from my daycare provider that students at his school were circulating. He wanted to 'prove' to me how quickly rumors start and how little they could be based on. (Oh, we soooo don't want to feel guilty.)<P>Then, he makes a comment about our counseling. He wouldn't talk to me about it before, but he left counseling very upset and tearing up. He says that he has some stuff to share about it. He'll tell me later. (it's 930 am and I won't see him until 9pm.) I said "great I get to wait all day." I think he really didn't want to tell me in person. He said counselor and he went in circles, that she didn't give him tools to 'fix' what was wrong...that he made decisions out of guilt or the way he was taught.<P>He again asserted that he didn't want to be married and the counselor was concerned "I would unravel." (Yeah, right. If I haven't unravelled yet, I'm not gonna.) He continued to say how his commitment to marriage was what he was taught, what he was given and he needed to do his own thing, he needed to be himself and find out who he was. How I was a person and people knew my abilities and persona, but he was a nobody.<P>So I started crying and got someone to cover my class. I wrote the plan b letter and figured it was pretty close. I didn't even have the urge to call him all day. He called me when schoolday ended 'to make sure kids were taken care of.' (I had an evening class and he had an evening event at his school--sponsored by OW's club...grrr.) I had told him several times that one of our close friends was getting children.<P>He called me at the end of the event to let me know he was coming home. I was nonchalant. When he got home, I slept on couch until wee hours of night. When I got up to go to bed, he followed. <P>We spent Saturday shopping for stereo (I kept wondering who was gonna get custody of it later ) and clothes as we both have lost a few sizes due to diet and exercise. Came home, kids when to auntie's for the night and I attended a school event with him for a club he sponsors. Meanwhile, before we left we had a phonecall from his sister and mom. He talks about "us" and "future" and buying house. His mother is all excited, but I tell her to not be. That he is still in contact with OW. Sister (who has experienced an A with her H) says 'boy, he is in fantasyland."<P>We went out afterwards to movie and for drinks. (He calls OW from restaurant, I find out later.) We go home and are intimate. It is a mutual decision. Not one that is talked about, but the signals of a couple who have been together a long time. His signals begin and are very clear.<P>We get up and go to church. After church we go looking at houses for 'us' to move into. (his words to realtor.)<P>I'm trying to determine if I am strong enough to live through this waffling. He doesn't talk to her all weekend. Leaves his phone off (which by her voicemails, is getting on her nerves). Then he leaves some kinda message which excites her.<P>Our weekends are fine, so so normal. It is just by the end of the week, after her influence that he's so **** funky. Or, after too much normality (if he thinks I feel too comfortable.)<P>I have stopped saying 'I love you.' Know it is a big LB to him. I don't talk about A or OW. (thank God for you guys)<P>The point of this? to hear your wonderful support and thoughts and to help me clarify my thinking. (I know I should start a journal...) You all just give me such wonderful insight.<P>So now I'm ready for another twirl on the merry-go-round...<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Hi Cali,<P>Long time no talk!!! You sound stronger. I am glad. Your H is still waffling??? Sounds like he is making some progress but OW still has a strong hold on him. Hm....<P>Keep up the good work and not LB. He needs to see the OW at her worst. Sometimes that 'green pasture' is actually green due to the weeds and there is 'poop' hidden in dem dar fields. Your H needs to see that all is not good in OW land. <P>Take Care and continue 2 b good. <P>L.<BR>

Cali - you are a rational thinker during this time of irrationality. I get the sense that you have a lot of fortitude left and it's too soon for Plan B. Forgive me for not knowing, but are you still in the same house? How will you implement Plan B if that is the case?<P>Waffling is good. Torture, but good. After many months of resolute direction, my wife is starting to waffle again, maybe, and this makes it harder for me to implement Plan B because I don't want to squander a chance to cultivate her indeciciveness. But I am more weary than you, I think. We have been separated for almost 10 months. I need Plan B to medicate myself - whether she's waffling or not. If the timing is such that the presence of waffling is perfect for an effective Plan B on the WS, maybe my Plan A investment payoff is coming. My point is that in contrast to me, I think you have a chance to cultivate the indeciciveness in your H and it sounds like you're doing an excellent job.<P>WAT

Thanks Orchid & WAT for your comments.<P>Yes, Orchid I feel stronger. Each dip in the rollercoaster is getting less scary. I am working real hard to give him the reaction opposite what I know he expects. <P>WAT:<BR><B>Cali - you are a rational thinker during this time of irrationality. I get the sense that you have a lot of fortitude left and it's too soon for Plan B. Forgive me for not knowing, but are you still in the same house? How will you implement Plan B if that is the case? </B><P>Yes, he keeps coming 'home' . I am waiting for the right time to plan B. I'm guessing it will be at the beginning of the new school year unless something 'explosive' happens before then. We are going to counseling as well. (though he hates it)<P>Thanks for all your words of wisdom. I appreciate your all of your experience.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7