Hi all. It just helps me to put my feelings into words after something major happens in my life. Thought you guys might be interested in hearing what's going on and may be able to pick out the "good" things that are happening to me. Oh so often I focus on the bad...<P>Alright, so my husband got his place on Friday. Didn't move in until yesterday morning, but slept and stayed home all day yesterday. He is getting the rest of his stuff today and leaving me the keys to the house. <P>We talked last night and again this morning. He actually told me that "I am not well." We talked and I said, let me help you, he said I was helping by letting him go and be by himself for a while, being understanding of his problems and not being real *****y and totally blowing him off. Then he said, of course that will all change if, well you know. (meaning he gets back with OW). And I said yes, I would have to not see you at all. He got real silent and we left it at that.<P>Then this morning he was visibly upset. I thought it was because he was supposed to see OW today and he was nervous (hasn't seen/talked to her since blowup a couple of weeks ago). He gave me this look and I found out he was actually upset about the whole moving out thing (obviously it's not what he REALLY wants). I told him he looked like he needed a hug and when I tried to give him one he said he was not the man he once was and this new man doesn't need hugs. He needs to go be alone and live in misery for the horrible things he's done. I said, you still need a hug sometimes and gave him one anyway. Then I stressed that we would still be here waiting for him to get over his misery, just as long as he did it alone (meaning without OW).<P>The only other thing of interest is that we talk about the stuff he "borrowed" from the house to take to his new place. I mentioned bringing it back (meaning if he stayed gone he would need to return it and get his own stuff), and he says "yeah, well I'm not bringing it back home by myself next time", but he meant when he comes back to live at home. He talks like that alot...<P>Oh yeah!! And, breakthrough, he actually has started talking about IF he goes to counseling, and he says maybe he'll get help, but just not right now. SO, that is definately better than, no way I'm not ever getting help, yada, yada, yada.<P>I am seriously considering writing a letter to OW and letting her know the turmoil my H is in, how much he needs help, and what is really going on in the hopes that she will not get back together with him.<P>So, I suppose this is good, except now he is gone and I am by myself with 3 kids. Sigh. I want to have hope that someday my husband will feel like he loves me again, but it is so hard. Right now I just hope he gets into counseling and gets the help he needs. But, really, I also deep down want to fix the way he feels about me. I just hope counseling will help him realize how special I am to him and that maybe he does really love me. I pray. I realize it may not be, but I still pray.<P>

Your posts take me right back to when my H moved out last August. We had the same type of conversations, my H said the same things. Talk about DeJa Vu.<P>Now that he has moved out you need to be strong. You need to be positive and upbeat when you talk to him. Go on and do things that you would not normally do without him. Let him wonder about you for a while. If it seems that you can actually live without him and be happy, this will be a wake up call. He would realize that you can and will go on with life.<P>This is what worked for me. My H thought I would be calling him, begging him to come home. He thought I would be grateful for whatever crumbs of attention he wanted to dole out. I took control by avoiding his calls, calling him when absolutely necessary, keeping the issues to kids or finances and then ending all conversations. It drove him nuts. You have to be strong and act your heart out. He will notice. <P>Keep on posting and updating us. Do not initiate any more OR talks if you can help it. This is for you benefit. He is confused and he cannot give you what you want right now. He has to figure this out. <P>NM

Hey Hurt, <P>Sounds like your week was rougher than mine. The rollercoaster doesn't get any easier, does it?<P>Just a comment:<BR><B>I am seriously considering writing a letter to OW and letting her know the turmoil my H is in, how much he needs help, and what is really going on in the hopes that she will not get back together with him.</B><P>NO! Write it here. Write it in your journal. But never let her see you sweat. She might take the turmoil as good news for HER!<P>My prayers are with you.<P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7

Thanks for the support NoMoh. That's basically my plan for a while. Give him his space, don't initiate any calls/etc, but if he wants to come over he can, if he calls, I'll answer and tell him things are going fine. If he emails me, I'll email him back. Sort of like a combination Plan A/Plan B. Not quite as drastic as what you did (close but not quite), but I'll try this for a while and if I get nowhere, probably migrate over to a full plan B.<P>If I find out he does get back with OW, then I'll go directly to Plan B. A serious plan B with no contact at all and the letter to him with a copy to OW. I need that for my sanity.<P>It's such a fine line I tread. My husband does have serious issues that have just gotten worse over the past two years and eventually led to the EA with OW (sometimes I feel it was his final cry for help, just the whole situation is too odd). He needs help, counseling, and probably medication. I know the only thing I can do to help both of us is what I am doing, it is just SO damn hard.<P>Thanks again for the advice. I will try my best to avoid the "OR" talks. That is the most difficult part...

ditto Cali - don't even think about it!!<P>WAT

Thanks Cali! Yeah, I know you're right about not writing the letter. I decided not to, but it gives me peace of mind to know if I do go into Plan B that she is getting a copy, so...<P>In my case, the OW is actually very nice. She is not that attached to my H (he is addicted to her, however), has agreed to give him his space and let him decide what he wants. She will respect his decision not to be with her and has. The problem is my H, he won't let HER go. He is obsessed with her, it is not healthy. He needs help, his way of thinking is not right. My letter to her would have been dual-purpose, get her to stay away, both for her and us. I am actually scared for her. If my H stays the way he is, getting worse day by day, and doesn't get the help he needs... I don't know this man or what he is capable of, he just needs help - period.<P>So, I guess she is on her own for now, I'll just deal with me and the kids. Godspeed.<P>Oh, BTW, thanks for the comments on the Plan B letter! I know the stuff shouldn't be in there, but it is so hard to omit them!! I will though.

I'm not sure if I can help but I can at least ry to give you an OW point of view, the only thing is, I don't WANT to be the OW anymore. I haven't read any earlier posts by you so I don't know exactly what type of blow up your hubby and his OW had, but I know for me, if I had recieved a letter from the MM's W in a nonconfrontational way, I would definately have backed off even sooner. That's how I am though and I am sure I am not the only OW that would do that. HOWEVER, I can tell you that if she had written me calling me all kinds of names and blaming ME for the whole thing (whether that is your case or not, I don't know) and the letter was written in nasty undertones, I honestly think I might have stayed just to spite her. Sorry, I know that sounds mean, but I don't respond very well when people are mean to me. But anyway, if you address her woman to woman--- you don't have to show any weakness or insecurities, then she will probably respect you and your wishes and back off. If she thinks you are just "letting him go" and she really does want to be with him, she might see that as her opportunity to be around him 24/7 and she may even try to MAKE him forget about you completely. Please don't let THAT happen.

You know what? tooweak is right. I've been on both sides of this "thing" called infidelity, so I know of what I speak. <P>Nothing stopped my "whatever lingering feelings were left" faster than a little chat with the common-law wife of the OM.<P>Now, since I've been on the other side too (five times!) I know that it can be a double-edged sword for your emotional state. I guess the question is: does the OW care about what you think, and would she see the apparent weakness in your H as a good thing (for her), and would it help or hurt you to do it?<P>Weigh those questions before you do anything, okay? No need to make your life harder than it already is, right?<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Thanks Tooweak.<P>Actually my husband called her up when he was having one of his "voids" (depressions) and really hurt her. Not sure what he said but I can guess. He said he doubted she'd ever want to talk to him again he hurt her so bad. This is what he does though, I'm used to it - she is not. That was the "blowup".<P>I have talked to her at length about my H, while the EA was going on. She was not happy with what she was doing, but she could not help the way she felt and figured if she let my H make all the decisions and deal with his family, in the end if he wanted her - fine. Otherwise - fine. Either way, she was okay with it. She backed off, and kept off, and still is to this day. She is coming back today, however and it's the first chance my H has of contacting HER (she could have for 3 weeks and hasn't). He plans to reconcile and make sure she is not mad at him for what he did.<P>Now, he is out of the house and "seperated", which means it would be "okay" in her mind to date him (depending on what he tells her). BUT, she doesn't know what's going on cuz' I haven't talked to her either in 3 weeks. <P>If she knew about the way he really feels about her (that he only wants her temporary to fill his needs, then will move on, about his verbal abuse and how it is getting worse - almost physical, and just how he's agreed he needs help but won't while she's in the picture), I am almost positive she would backoff completely and not even give him a CHANCE to reconcile. I don't know if she even will now given what he did to her a couple of weeks ago, but it still haunts me. Especially because she doesn't know what she is getting herself into.<P>So, I have decided to wait to see what my H decides to do (he is still confused and doesn't know FOR SURE). Maybe I'll talk to her, maybe not. I guess it will depend what he does. <P>My H just needs help. I make him out to be such a horrible person, but he really is not. He was wonderful, just a short time ago, but he has changed drastically and needs help. He has never, ever, been this way before - I would not have put up with it, and I'm not now.<P>