A brief history - H has been in on-again/off-again A for over 5 years - mostly off during that time, but his weakness (or OW's) always seem to get it going again. We have tried to work through this, but since the A started, H has never really given himself back to this marriage. He does seem to get over the withdrawal from the A - but does not get to the point that he wants to work on the problems in the marriage - when he gets unhappy, he withdraws and usually starts the A again.<P>The A ended (hopefully for good) this past November. Since that time, he has been very withdrawn and keeps saying that he feels trapped, is about to explode and just needs to get out. Based on his behavior, I know there is no lingering A going on, but he just seems so miserable and unwilling to even consider counseling.<P>He is planning to move out in the next couple of weeks. Due to financial considerations, he will not be signing a lease on an apartment, but will be temporarily moving into an extended stay hotel. We can afford this for about a month, but no more. He says that he will evaluate during this time, but it is his plan to stay out. He has 'dreamed' of having his own place and freedom for so long, that he must make it happen. <P>We have two children, 12 and 10, and he says that he will be around for them every day. He will still come to the house to help the morning routine, will pick them up often at school/camp and will be around every weekend. Because of the type of housing that he will have, we have agreed that they will not be visiting him. I fail to understand how this will give him more freedom, sounds like an exhausting schedule to me. <P>Over the history of our marriage, (17 years) he has been an absolute conflit avoider and never wanted to discuss 'issues' or problems to work on possible solutions. He has preferred to suffer in silence when his EN were not being met, but now is offering me no chance to do that. He feels pressured by my attempts to work on the marriage and feels my love for him is a burden. I have been in a self developed plan A for about a year, but have recently refined it to a pure plan A based on the MB information.<P>H now says that he realizes that it is not me, but him that is the issue. He has noticed the changes in me and applauds them, but takes no personal interest in them. He says that he has felt trapped for so long that he just needs to be free - so that he can come and go as he pleases, does not have to consult with anyone when he wants to go out, etc. I have told him that I do not like the idea of him leaving, but will support his decision as long as I can and will make every attempt to be a good friend/wife to him in the hopes that we can work out our problems and that we can both have our EN met within our marriage. <P>I had my first consult with Steve H last week, he asked if H would call him to give his side of the story. H said that he would do this. Is this a good sign? <P>Does this sound like a MLC and if so.......HOW LONG DO THEY GO ON?

What is a "MLC"?

MID LIFE CRISIS

Is this a MLC? Do we even know what a MLC is? Seems I've read so much about if it is a real event or not.<P>From what you say here your husband sounds very depressed. And perhaps much of what we write off ad MLC is really a depression.<P>In "Surviving An Affair" Dr. Harley says that many WS fall into a depression when they break off contact with the OP. He often prescribes antidepressents to help the WS through that time. The problem with a true depression is that it is caused by a chemical imballance in the brain. It needs to be attacked on two levels, antidepressants and counseling. If this is not done a person may never get out of the depression.<P>Would your H be open to seeing a doctor about help for depression.<P>MHO<BR>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Oh yes, it IS real, and it can go on for a day, a week, or years. I had one, I know.<P>I was just about to turn 40, had a family picture taken for Christmas that year, saw my blobby body (I weighed nearly 300 pounds) and realized that 20 years of marriage to a man who cheated, *slightly* abused me (it was worse, but I won't go into that... only through therapy and time have I realized how bad it was), and ignored my feelings was NOT A GOOD THING... and that all would have been fine had I tried to take care of myself in a healthy way... but suddenly I wondered, "is this all there is?" and the more I questioned, the more upset I got, and I began to read books and talk to people... and I got sadder, and sadder, and then one day something snapped... I became very sad, broke down and cried at the doctor's office, told him the things my then-H had done (like the infidelity, the abuse, the pain) and from that point forward went into a deep depression... and right smack in the middle of it, after I'd lost about 40 pounds, this man came to work in my office, we became "friends" and one day, he told me how he felt about me. Coulda knocked me over with a feather, for real. I cried, lost about 15 pounds over that weekend... and I had been talking to my then-H for weeks, crying, pleading with him to come to therapy with me... he said no... and then this man, this man I wouldn't have given a second look to in the past... reached inside of me and touched something that was hidden for so long... and I had an affair, which resulted in one hop in the sack (I don't call it making love). That was the beginning of the end of the marriage. I won't go into any more detail than that... it's all over these boards (my name, at the time, was new_beginning). <P>I'm here to tell you that MLC is REAL, and DANGEROUS.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Thanks for your replys<P>Zorweb - I agree that he seems depressed. He actually did see our doctor last July and was put on Effexor - took it for a couple of months - said he noticed no difference and then stopped. (This was during the time that he could not make up his mind whether or not to end the A)<P>Then, in December, he was diagnosed with ADD - Inattentive variety - he has been on medication for that for the last 5 months and seemed to be doing fairly well, but has now stopped taking that. He says that makes him to jittery.<P>I do believe that he has serious emotional problems, but he does not seem to open up very well with counselors. He has been to a couple for only one or two sessions, but when he does not like their answers, he quits going. I haven't given up hope yet....he has agreed to speak with Steve on Wednesday. (Say a little prayer for that session)<P>Nyneve......<P>Thanks for being so open about your MLC. It sound very much like his actions with letting the OW in, to touch a part of him that had been closed off for a long time. I too want to get to touch that part of his soul, but he seems to resist even the thought of us working on our marriage. For now I am deep in Plan A, trying desperately not to LB and to be a better person for me. He is such a good, kind, funny, sensitive man under this wall that he has built. I just want to interact with that person again. He was and always will be the person that helped me to find the deepest part of my soul and work on building the best person that I can be.

Hi bmw,<P>My ex-H could say the same about me, about the part of me that he missed. I don't think my situation was like yours exactly, because I have come to realize that the abusive aspects of my situation led my then-H to rob me of that kind, funny, carefree, and wonderous self. Yes, underneath it all it still resided, but not for him. He wasn't safe. But I did love him very, very much ~ too much, I am told.<P>I think if you really can stick to your Plan A and show your H that you (and your marriage) are a safe solice for him, that miracles can happen. In my case, I honestly and truly believe that it can NEVER EVER happen. <P>I am now engaged to be married to someone else, and all I can tell you is that THIS is what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. Yes, we use the concepts, and yes, we work hard at our relationship (though, truth be told, it isn't that hard right now, honeymoon period, I suspect) but I now know what it feels like to be in a relationship where I am handled with great care. Could my then-H have done that? Yes, I believe he *could have* for a short time (and did, at times, throughout the marriage) but that because of the abuse aspect (and, as I've said, I am just now realizing that it was abuse ~ I swear, I thought it was okay to be pulled by my hair, have my hand slapped when I held it out to him, or to be called names) it could not last.<P>If you do not have this within your relationship, then you have a VERY GOOD CHANCE of winning his heart and soul back into your marriage. Just be careful with him, he is very vulnerable right now.<P>Best wishes...

bmw;<P>Your husbands willingness to speak with Steve is a VERY good sign! I was the WS not too long ago. I had an EA and had an incredibly difficult time with withdrawl. <P>I was upfront with my husband about my attachment to the OM and he did EXACTLY the right thing. My husband enacted plan A until I was ready to open the door and embrace his love once again. The first few months after my EA ended if my husband had given me one moment of grief, I would have used it as an excuse to flee. <P>I too thought I wanted my own space.....an apartment where I would not have to answer to anyone. [I looked at several.] I now realize that I was straddling a valley... One foot in my marriage, one foot in 'never never land'. I knew I my EA wasn't real, but I no longer felt like I deserved the love of my husband.<P>I was drawn to your post because I am also a conflict avoider. There was a great deal of conflict in my home while I was a teenager. The easiest way to avoid getting caught up in the trouble was to simply stay out of the way. <P>To this day, I cannot stand conflict! My husband realized this [we have been married 20 years] and he intuitively knew not to push me while I was withdrawn.<P>You should be encouraged by your husbands agreement to go to counseling. I was absolutely SURE I was through with my marriage. [I had even read all of Dr. Harley's books and was STILL through]....however I agreed to seek counseling. I feel that the counseling was not the resurrection of my relationship....it simply bought my husband more time to show me that he was still my best friend.<P>Bmw, my best advice is that if your husband is truly a conflict avoider, do your very best to tread lightly. The only way my husband won me back was to take ALL of the pressure off. <P>I thank God daily for this program. I am once again happily married.<P>Less Confused and More Secure<P>

Nyneve,<P>I am very lucky, there is absolutely no abuse in our relationship. My H has always been very respectful of me in that way. Even when I was at my worst with LB's and I'm certain that there were times that he wanted to raise his hand to me, he never even seemed to give it a thought. We just had a great talk about where we are any how I understand his need to get out to release some of the tension that he has felt for so long. I just keep making sure that he knows that his happiness is my greatest concern at this point. He is being very kind about all of the arrangements for the children, financial, etc. , and has even said that he will get a second job if needed to make sure that we do not have to leave our house. I think he is still in a bit of the 'fog' concerning what WE are capable of. He believes that he has done so much of the compromising in our relationship - he never stated his needs because he is such a conflict avoider, that he just gave up what he wanted. (I have been reading your posts on many of the threads and your input is always invaluable)<P>Confused & Insecure<P>Thanks so much for your insight. I'll be honest. I am very direct and to the point, so it is VERY difficult for me not to push. That is why I am trying so hard to let him understand that I support his need to move out for a while. You say that you never left, and that the time allowed your H to be able to convince you of his sincere desires with plan A. How long was this, and how long were you in counseling before you felt yourself making a big turn toward the marriage?